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BradyH1861
02-17-2005, 08:31 PM
Heard a joke that just makes you groan? Let's share them! I shall go first.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?"

Do you know why the 15 year old pirate couldn't get into the movie theater?

The movie he wanted to see was rated ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

:Clap:

Dont worry folks, I have no plans to quit my day job just yet.

Brady H.

Poppy
02-18-2005, 02:54 AM
My dad used to tell me these all the time...


Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?

A: Unique up on it.



Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?

A: Tame way, unique up on it.

rtilryarms
02-19-2005, 04:21 AM
Q. how do you make a car top?

A. You tep on the brake tupid!

three seven
02-19-2005, 04:22 AM
What do you call a man with a spade in his head?


Doug

maestrowork
02-19-2005, 06:15 AM
What do you call a man with no arms and legs lying on the floor?

Matt.

What do you call a man with no arms and legs hanging on the war?

Art.

What do you call a man with no arms and legs under a tree?

Russell.

What do you call a man with no arms and legs in water?

Bob.

maestrowork
02-19-2005, 06:16 AM
How many writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100. One to screw in the bulb, and 99 to say, "I could have done that if I were given a break..."

KellyS.
02-19-2005, 06:16 AM
Where do bumblebees go to the restroom?




At the BP station. hyuck hyuck!

Trapped in amber
02-19-2005, 06:20 AM
When we were about 17 my friends and I decided that the following was the funniest joke ever told in human history:

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

It must be association or something, because I still giggle at it.

rtilryarms
02-19-2005, 06:24 AM
OK, when my little brother was like 5 he told this one over and over:

Knock knock

Who's there?

Popeye

Popeye who?

I'm Popeye the sailor man!


Now he is a Musician. The other one became a Comedian.

three seven
02-19-2005, 06:30 AM
When we were about 17 my friends and I decided that the following was the funniest joke ever told in human history:

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

It must be association or something, because I still giggle at it.

You're half right, that is the funniest joke ever told that isn't about blondes.

http://www.geocities.com/thingumybobwotsit/caprianim.gif

BradyH1861
02-19-2005, 06:36 AM
Okay.

What is long, hard, and full of seamen?




A submarine!


Brady H.

three seven
02-19-2005, 06:39 AM
Not sure whether this one travels, but...


Have you ever watched Come Dancing?


-No, but I've seen seamen do a jig.

BradyH1861
02-19-2005, 06:40 AM
Not sure whether this one travels, but...


Have you ever watched Come Dancing?


-No, but I've seen seamen do a jig.



Now that is good! I will have to tell that one...with your permission, of course.

Brady H.

three seven
02-19-2005, 06:41 AM
Take it (and my mother-in-law, obviously)

maestrowork
02-19-2005, 06:47 AM
Q: Why is April so great?
A: Tulips on an organ.



(no offense to April... :tongue)

rhymegirl
02-19-2005, 06:48 AM
This isn't really a BAD joke, but something I wrote for a greeting card/slogan company:

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, but it takes a woman to get him to do it.

three seven
02-19-2005, 06:49 AM
Q: Why is April so great?
A: Tulips on an organ.
Excellent work Maestro, I think you've found the bottom of the barrel! http://www.geocities.com/thingumybobwotsit/thumbsup.gif

pianoman5
02-19-2005, 10:28 AM
What do you call a woman with one leg?


Eileen.

arrowqueen
02-20-2005, 02:30 AM
What does a woman put behind her ears to attract men?


Her ankles.
(Sorry, that was very vulgar.)

Trapped in amber
02-20-2005, 02:39 AM
Yep! :ROFL:But very funny!

And I feel the tone had already been lowered...

(coughBradycough)

Betty W01
02-20-2005, 02:44 AM
I seem to have stumbled into the wrong thread by accident - I thought this was a bad joke area, not a nasty joke area. I'll be moving along now, before I give in to the temptation of giving all of you negative rep points! <grin>

P.S. I think some of you have slipped past the slope to garbage and don't need to go any further. But that's just me...

ChunkyC
02-20-2005, 02:49 AM
You knew there were more coming....

What do you call a guy in your mailbox? Bill

What do you call a guy holding up a bank? Rob

What do you call a guy in a hole? Phil

What do you call a guy in a long bun? Frank

What do you call a guy floating in your toilet? Ralph

What do you call Ralph after you push the handle? Dwayne

ChunkyC
02-20-2005, 02:53 AM
In a century not long past, in a land known as Newfoundland, there lived a young man by the name of Terence O'Toole of Fogo Island. Early on in his life, he displayed an uncanny talent for the sport of wrestling. His parents immediately saw greatness in their son, and did all they could to further his fledgling skills. With the strength (and brains) of an ox, by the time Terence reached his senior year, he had won the Newfoundland Men's Wrestling Championship.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the globe, a young man of similar age had achieved the lofty status of Sumo Champion of Japan. His country decided to send this young man, dubbed 'Sumo Sam', on a good-will wrestling tour of the world. Sumo Sam travelled far and wide, and no one could best him.

Finally, Sumo Sam came to the final stop on his tour, the land known as Newfoundland. Well, the Newfoundlanders were well aware of Sumo Sam's skill in the wrestling ring, and were understandably nervous about the upcoming match with their own champion, Terence of Fogo Island.

Aware that all eyes were upon him, Terence had been practicing harder than ever before. His coach had studied Sumo Sam's technique, and warned Terence to be wary of Sumo Sam's infamous 'Pretzel Hold'. In every previous match on the tour, Sumo Sam had employed the Pretzel Hold and emerged victorious.

The day of the match was fast approaching. It was decided that in order to promote the match properly, Terence needed an intimidating name. And so he was dubbed: Terrible Teddy O'Toole.

The day came and the world watched as Terrible Teddy and Sumo Sam faced off in the wrestling ring. The bell sounded, and in a flash, Sumo Sam leapt upon Terrible Teddy and placed the Pretzel Hold upon him. A great groan arose from the crowd. It appeared that this final match would be the shortest one of all.

But...before the referee could administer the final count, a blood-curdling scream erupted from within the entwined bodies at the centre of the ring, and Sumo Sam was hurled bodily against the turnbuckle. Momentarily knocked sensless, Sumo Sam crumpled to the mat. Terrible Teddy staggered across the ring and fell across the prostrate Sumo Sam, and the count began...one...two...three...the match was over! Miraculously, Terrible Teddy O'Toole had defeated Sumo Sam!

A short time after, a somewhat bewildered Terrible Teddy O'Toole was interviewed by the media:

"Terrible, could you tell us what happened after Sumo Sam put the Pretzel Hold on you?"

"Well, by Jeez, that Sumo Sam came at me so fast, I had no time to move. Then he puts that Pretzel Hold on me and everything starts to go black. Just before I faints, I sees these great hairy testicles hanging in front of my face. So I bit 'em, hard as I could.

"Lord Thunderin' Jeesus, you don't know the strength you get when you bite your own bag."

Kida Adelyne
02-20-2005, 03:53 AM
owwwww... CC that joak was bad!


Q: Who weighs 6000 pounds and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant


Q: Wha't big and grey and can fly straight up?
A: An elecopter.



Q: What do elephants do for entertainment?
A: Watch elevision.


Q: How do elephants communicate?
A: They talk on the elephone.



Q: How do you tell if there is an elephant in your refrigerator?
A: Look for his footprints in the cheesecake.

Q: How do you tell if there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
A: Look for two sets of footprints side by side.

Q: How do you tell if there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
A: The door won't close.


Q: How many giraffes will fit in the refrigerator?
A: None: there are already too many elephants in there.


Q: How do you get an elephant into a Volkswagon Beetle?
A: Open the door, insert elephant, close door.


Q: How do you get 4 elephants in a Volkswagon?
A: Two in the front and two in the back

Q: How do you know if an elephant is visiting your house?
A: There is a Volkswagon parked outside with 3 elephants in it.

Q: How do you get 8 elephants in a refrigerator?
A: Put 4 elephants in one Volkswagon, put four elephants in another Volkswagon, and put the two Volkswagons in the refrigerator.


Q: But two Volkswagons won't fit in a refrigerator.
A: There were two elephants in there, and a Volkswagon isn't as big as an elephant!


Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the refrigerator?
A: You can't. There is only one Tarzan!


Q: How do you make an elephant float?
A: With two scoops of ice-cream, a bottle of cream soda, and an elephant.


Q: Why are elephants large, grey, and wrinkled?
A: Because if they were small, white, and smooth they would be aspirins.


Q: Why did the elephant wear dark sunglasses?
A: So he wouldn't be recognized.


Q: What did Tarzan say when the elephant came up over the hill?
A: Nothing. He didn't recognize the elephant because he was wearing dark sunglasses.


Q: What did the cat say to the elephant?
A: Meow.


Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A: So they can hide in the strawberry patch.


Q: But there aren't any elephants in the strawberry patch!
A: See, their camoflauge is working.


Q: How do you get an elephant to the top of an oak tree?
A: Plant an acorn under him and wait 50 years.


Q: What if I don't want to wait 50 years?
A: Put a parachute on the elephant and drop him from an elecopter.


Q: How do you get an elephant down from an oak tree?
A: Tell him to sit on a leaf and wait until autumn.


Q: Why are alligators long and flat?
A: They must have gotten too close to the oak tree.


Q: What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
A: About 3000 miles.


Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a flea?
A: An elephant can have fleas, but a flea can't have elephants.


Q: What's the difference between an elephant and an egg?
A: If you don't know, I hope you don't do the grocery shopping!

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: It was the chicken's day off.

Q: Why did the Frenchman sprinkle salt on the road?
A: To keep elephants away.


Q: But there are no elephants in France.
A: See, it's working!


Q: What do you do with a blue elephant?
A: Cheer him up.


Q: Where is the best place to see a herd of charging elephants?
A: On elevision.


Q: How do you keep an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.

ChunkyC
02-20-2005, 04:30 AM
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny?"

maestrowork
02-20-2005, 04:41 AM
BREAKING NEWS. Secret ingredients of Viagra found. Now you can make your own:


2% aspirin
98% fix-a-flat

Kida Adelyne
02-20-2005, 04:52 AM
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny?"
*groan* Someone lock him up before he posts another one.

Bad Quotes:
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Above all else: Sky.
The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL?
I can't dial 911.. There's no 11 on my phone.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?
What you can't see can't hurt you........unless you're blind.
"So tell me, are those cookies made with real Girl Scouts?"
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Can I yell MOVIE in a crowded firehouse?
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
How come they call them Tuna fish but not beef mammal or chicken bird?
How come the bullets that work are fired, and the ones that don't work are not?
When in doubt.........uh.....HEY! LOOK OVER THERE! *runs in opposite direction*
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.
Sorry I'm late, I'll leave early to make up for it.
The only problem with mornings is that they happen too early in the day.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Anyone who is capable of being elected president should on no account be allowed to do the job - The hitchhikers guide to the galaxy


(not going to post anymore because I have a collection of 18 pages)

Alphabeter
02-20-2005, 06:27 AM
This was the most hilarious joke in sophomore geometry. Keep in mind it was full of football/basketball/baseball player/wrestlers (small school so boys could play all four).

Ask me if I'm a truck.

Go on, ask me.

Alright I'll do it. Your mouse is sticky. I understand.

"Are you a truck?"

.
.
.
.
I'm pausing for dramatic reading.
.
.
.
.
No.


Isn't that just hilarious?

You asked me if I'm a truck and I said No. :roll:

I mentioned the ball handlers right?

It was a long year.


Andrea :Sun:

Shiny_Penguin
02-20-2005, 07:03 AM
knock knock
who's there?
interrupting cow
interrupting c--
MOOOOOO!

Why were the other numbers afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine

Betty W01
02-20-2005, 07:48 AM
:ROFL: And the award for the best joke poster for the month of February goes to....

<drum roll> http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/1095.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZS)...............


Kida Adelyne! :Trophy:

Kida, come on down here and take a bow! I hope you prepared an acceptance speech. (Your mom will be so proud...) :thankyou:


(OK, so the month isn't over yet. So sue me. I happen to be very fond of elephant jokes and Stephen Wrightish quotes.)

ChunkyC
02-20-2005, 06:39 PM
Congrats, Kida! *grumble grumble, rotten kid wants to see me locked up, darn jokes are supposed to be bad*

Okay, if you strap a piece of buttered toast to a cat's back with the butter facing up, then drop the cat from a height of about six feet, what happens?

awatkins
02-20-2005, 06:52 PM
I give. What happens?

ChunkyC
02-20-2005, 07:00 PM
Anne -- remember the old cliches about a cat always landing on its feet and toast always falling buttered-side-down.... http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

Kida Adelyne
02-20-2005, 08:21 PM
Awwwww... CC. We still love you. If it makes you feel any better you can still shout out bad jokes while your locked up.:LilLove:


Anyway...




:thankyou:Thank You! Thank You!:thankyou:





:hi:I'll be here all night.:hi:

rich
02-20-2005, 11:06 PM
Knock knock

Who's there?

Boo.

Boo who?

If you're gonna cry about I won't tell ya.

maestrowork
02-20-2005, 11:12 PM
Knock knock
Who's there?
Wu
Wu who?
Now calm down, don't be so excited.

peer54
02-21-2005, 01:35 AM
Classics that had me giggling when I was a wee lass:

Why do witches ride broomsticks?
Vacuum cleaners are too expensive.

What kind of beer does a tree drink?
Rootbeer.

awatkins
02-21-2005, 01:41 AM
You caught me at a weak moment, Chunky. I hadda ask. :Smack: :roll:

ChunkyC
02-21-2005, 08:31 PM
You caught me at a weak moment, Chunky. I hadda ask. :Smack: :roll:
I had to think about it for a minute when I first heard that one, too. I originally saw it with a list of possible answers, one of which was: the cat & toast will get to within a fraction of an inch of the floor, then it and the toast will spin forever in an endless struggle over which one gets to hit the floor, therefore forming the basic structure of an antigravity device. :D

awatkins
02-21-2005, 08:52 PM
Ummm, okay. hehehehehehhhhhh

:ROFL:

Kida Adelyne
02-22-2005, 02:03 AM
therefore forming the basic structure of an antigravity device.

so that's how they do it!

katiemac
02-22-2005, 02:43 AM
I've got a couple, both provided by my soche prof. so I can't take any of the credit.
____

So this panda bear walks into the bar. He sits down, orders a nice lunch, and takes the time to enjoy his meal. After he finishes eating, he takes out a pistol and shoots the woman next to him rather nonchalantley, and then leaves. The bar errupts in chaos, and the bartender chases the panda bear down the street and confronts him.

The bartender says, "What the heck are you doing?"
The panda bear says, "I'm a panda bear."
The bartender says, "What does that have anything to do with it?"
The panda bear says, "Look it up."

So the bartender's really perplexed, heads back to the bar, and takes out his dictionary. Underneath the definition of the panda bear is says, "Eats shoots and leaves."

_____

There's these twin boys put up for adoption at birth. One of them is adopted in a couple of weeks by this nice Egyptian couple, and they name him Ahmal or something like that, and he's brought up just fine. He may not have all the luxuries in the world, but he's a fanastic, morally-wrought young man.

So a couple of weeks have the first baby is adopted, a couple from Spain comes and adopts the second baby and take him back to raise him in Spain. They name him Juan, and he's got all the finest luxuries anyone could imagine, Ivy school education and all that wonderful stuff.

For the boys' eighteen birthday, both adoptive parents got together and arranged a meeting with the boys to meet each other and their birth mother in the states. Juan's plane arrives right on time, and there's a big to-do, everyone's very excited. But the plane from Egypt is rather late and the airlines, knowing this is such a big deal, make a couple of phone calls and determine that Ahmal simply missed the flight, no worries, and he'll be on another one the next morning.

Even thought Ahmal was okay, everyone is pretty disappointed. Everyone except for the birth mother. They ask her why she isn't more upset, and she just kind of shrugs and says, "They're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."