I'm feeling smarter and smarter!
Back when I used to accept jokes via email, someone shared this:
These are purportedly real phone calls received by technical support staff...
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me onto this diskette?"
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"I work for a local ISP [Internet Service Provider]. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this. Customer: Hi... Is this the Internet?' Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to The Internet.'"
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Customer: "So that will get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh... uh... uh... yeah."
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A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."
The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point... The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working just fine."
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Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
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Overheard in a computer shop--
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly, sir. We've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
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"I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it."
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Tech Support: "All right... now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows--because of the icons. I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to..."
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms.' I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well... why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet... is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [click]
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Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game..."
Tech Support: "All right then, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot it."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed!"
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before! I crashed the spaceship, and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
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Tech Support: "OK, Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P.'"
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
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After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial
number, he scanned a database of registered users and
responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before
he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said
she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the
technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded:
"Had I realized you could see me, I never would have
telephoned in my bathrobe."
A customer who had just received a laptop computer
asked about the power-saving feature known as "hibernate."
Would this hibernate device work in the spring and summer,
the caller asked.
Another caller explained she had received a gift of
software on 5.25-inch diskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch
disk drive on her computer. The technician said she had two
options: Get a second disk drive, or use 3.5-inch diskettes.
The customer called back later, now complaining that her
disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the
fact that she was using a 3.5-inch diskette, she said. After
a bunch of questions, the
technician determined the caller had used a pair of scissors
to trim the 5.25-inch diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive.
A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer -
the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing
on world peace - was doing nothing, cried out for help. No
problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a "window" to
launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and
the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all
right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked.
Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.
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Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does
it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
...."Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
into the wall."
...."Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were
two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
the other cable."
..."Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because
it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming
in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Maryn, who needs to add "write click" to this
