How do you get a gossip to quit it?

I'd say, "Hey Miss Snark, drink another pail of gin and chill out on the gossip."

I'd perhaps try just not responding to the gossip, and either say nothing or change the subject: sure there'd be a clunky silence once or twice, but the message would get through eventually, I'd have thought.

If it didn't, I'd wonder just how much I needed the jobs that she steered my way, and if the money adequately compensated for the bad feeling the gossip caused.

Just your needing to ask the question tells us that the Gossip is tetchy, in which case humor probably won't fly any better than honesty. So, if two options have an equal chance of failing, go with the one that makes you feel better; be honest.

I had a friend once, a good and brilliant man with a kind heart. He was our familiy's landlord, and as such in a position of power over me.

I was appalled one day to hear him use a racist expression. He was from a much older generation, and I was aware that his speech patterns were set in his youth. Nevertheless I informed him calmly that such language was unacceptable in my presence.

He was taken aback and my mother, who was present at the time, said Michael in that Mother voice, the frightening air sucking kind. I stood steadfast.

He apologised and never used that expression around me ever again (it is possible he stopped using it entirely). He seemed to respect me for my honesty and we became as good friends as our difference in age and status allowed.

So what would I say? "You're my friend, and valuable to me for your experience and your company. But when you say such things, you demean yourself and the language which is our life and livelihood."

Yes, occassionaly I speak like a Victorian schoolmarm.

JennaGlatzer said:

What would you say?

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Change the conversation--they get the hint pretty fast.

Or you could be like the rest of us evil sorts and tell her to scoot closer and speak a little louder

JennaGlatzer said:

Let's just say you have a friend who's a serious gossip, always wanting to dish about other people's impending failure. Let's just say that under normal circumstances, you'd not be friends with this friend anymore... however, this friend is huge in the publishing industry and has helped you land several jobs. So you normally just kind of laugh when she says nasty things about other people, then you hate yourself for not telling her to knock it off.

Let's just say you can't say something all Miss Manners-like, like, "I'm not comfortable with this conversation," and your approach will need to be humorous/light-hearted.

What would you say?

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I've been dishonest with myself and with you. If it weren't for your contacts and what you can do for me I'd have nothing to do with you. Rather than continue to use you and further my quest for the title of superficial person of the year I've decided to end our nonexistent relationship. If you would like to continue helping me knowing that I can't stand you, have used you, and even sought on a message board ways to continue using you then I'd like for our working relationship to continue.

Option 2............

Be honest and take whatever comes.

I used to volunteer/work in a church thrift store and I often felt uncomfortable when the manager of the store dropped tidbits of information about other volunteers. For instance, she'd tell me that whenever Hazel worked the cash register, the balances didn't add up at the end of the day. Not sure if that would be considered gossiping, but I hated having to listen to it. I didn't respond to any of these confidences, but that never stopped her. If I hadn't needed the tiny salary the thrift store paid me, I would have taken a lot of pleasure in walking away.

Later on, I got a much better job, and then the manager was surprised and annoyed that I would not confide any details about my new job to her. Go figure.

Humorous and light-hearted?

Next time she starts up, stick your fingers in your ears and say, "La la la la la not listening!"

Or just look at her like this:

Oh, I have another idea. You could gossip to her, talking about another person who is a big old gossip, and how it turned around and bit her on the rear.

Make sure you laugh really loud.

I'm in the middle of a mess with an office gossip right now!

Mom always told me that a gossip is a gossip, and if they talk about others they'll talk about you. It seems like a compulsion with some people. I like to believe that it's got something to do with serious inferiority issues.

My office gossip gets on my nerves often, but, like you, I usually try to just go along and not say anything. I do have to work with her and her office is across the hall from mine. I run into her all day long. unfortunately for me, I'm her latest target.

Our boss hauled me into her office a couple of weeks ago asking me all sorts of questions like, "Are you happy here?" and "What are you working on?". Those questions led into her saying, "Well, I've been told that you are on the phone about your house a lot, to the point where you are neglecting your obligation to help others in the office."

That was it. I immediately knew who the culprit was and how this all evolved. I was furious, but like an idiot I cry when I am angry. That's another mess in itself.

It took about an hour right then and about a week afterward to show my boss that not only was this all a crock of poo, but the person responsible was dropping her own ball, all by herself.

Point being, watch your back, Jenna. If someone spreads hurtful, damaging gossip about one, they'll do it to you without thinking twice whether or not it's true.

Sorry to ramble. She almost cost me my job and it's still a very fresh wound.

But you asked how to get her to stop...ignore her. She won't stop. It's probably her nature. But if you ignore her, at least you won't be in the middle of whatever she stirs up. Guilt by association is never a pretty thing.

aadams73 said:

Change the conversation--they get the hint pretty fast.

Or you could be like the rest of us evil sorts and tell her to scoot closer and speak a little louder

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Unique said:

"I wish you wouldn't tell me these things. It makes me uncomfortable."

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If neither of the above work:

Bring Sarina w/ you, the next time, and say, "Do you think Sarina's old enough to either understand or absorb what you're saying? God forbid she repeats what you've told me, in confidence, when she starts talking!"

Put whichever hand is natural, to your heart, in extreme dramatic fashion, Jenna and exclaim, "I'd be mortified!"

I don't think there's anything you can do under your specific circumstances. People don't change their behaviors until something drastic happens to them. It's like an alcoholic needing to hit bottom - a habitual gossip won't stop until there's nobody left at all to listen.

Despite the circumstances, you have several choices you could make however, I recommend the Unique choice -

"I wish you wouldn't tell me these things. It makes me uncomfortable."

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Gehanna

This isn't humorous, but lead off with a question: "Did you observe this, or is this hearsay?" If that doesn't shut her up, then ask for the original source of the information. If she doesn't reply, just say, "Then when I pass it along I can identify you as the source, right?"

Miss Jenna,
You already know the answer to this one stinks on ice.

It's up to you. Is the monetary value of this contact worth the stickiness on your soul? Maybe yes, maybe no.

If yes, just make sure you manage your end of the conversations in such a way that, when the gossip does talk about you to others (and they will) they are spreading things you want spread.

"I heard Jenna has this exciting new project she's wrapped up in...."

Here's the Gehanna choice:

"You're an a** hole. I can tell by the smell of your breath each time you open your mouth to speak."

I Do Not recommend the Gehanna choice. I've come a long, long way in developing my communication skills...believe me.


Sincerely,
Gehanna

JennaGlatzer said:

Let's just say you have a friend who's a serious gossip, always wanting to dish about other people's impending failure. Let's just say that under normal circumstances, you'd not be friends with this friend anymore... however, this friend is huge in the publishing industry and has helped you land several jobs. So you normally just kind of laugh when she says nasty things about other people, then you hate yourself for not telling her to knock it off.

Let's just say you can't say something all Miss Manners-like, like, "I'm not comfortable with this conversation," and your approach will need to be humorous/light-hearted.

What would you say?

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depends on the type of gossip she is? does she think she is being funny? is she a nasty broom rider? if she thinks she is being funny--don't laugh. if she is a nasty broom rider and if you confront her---you'll become her next target---but the chances are, she is already using you for sport. Limit your contact with her as much as you can and restrict the conversation to professional matters only. if she goes off target simply say ---We were talking about the new book deal you promised me! Control the conversation!!! the less you deal with her, the happier you will be---you have my sympathies---i hate those kind of harpies they have no soul!!

dlhegel

Laugh loudly and with a big smile say: "Oh God, you remind me so much of my Aunt So-and-so. She's such a gossip." Pause while still chuckling and continue, "Nobody in the family likes her."

Continue smiling.

JennaGlatzer said:

How do you get a gossip to quit it?

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Get them at a party...a big one...and tell the room you have an announcement to make. Then...tell the room the gossip's dirtiest secret.

Let's just say you can't say something all Miss Manners-like, like, "I'm not comfortable with this conversation,"

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Why would you not be able to do that?


Sincerely,
Gehanna

Unfortunately, we all have to deal with that kind of person in our places of work, and we can't avoid them. We can't ignore them when they come to our desk and spout off about somebody else in the office.

I have a lady in my office that doesn't get along with anyone. They all dislike her because she has a nasty temper and always thinks she's right. She won't listen to any advice. For some reason, she wants to be my best friend, and I'm okay with that. I won't go to her house on weekends, but I'll be pleasant to her face.

When she goes off like a bubbling cauldron of spite, I listen quietly and then turn the subject around. There's no point trying to defend the target of her spite because she won't listen. I just don't want to be involved. If she wants to justify her mistakes by diverting the blame, that's her problem.

I don't know if this will help you, Jenna, except you shouldn't feel responsible for her behaviour. You can easily keep your relationship on a professional level and ignore the nonsense without feeling any guilt.

JennaGlatzer said:

Let's just say you have a friend who's a serious gossip, always wanting to dish about other people's impending failure.

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I'm guessing this person has a bit of trouble with other people's success? That's usually the motivation behind these types of things.

Of course others usually like to instigate this type of thing and/or desire to be the center of attention. My mother-in-law is in this group, and it sickens me. I've yet to figure out how to handle this, but my gut says that there's no stopping her, and I'll have to go for the blunt approach. Last time I did that, for our winter wedding, which she wanted to wear a bright red dress to, I caused a big tiff. But I don't want my little girl to hear those kind of things. Just as I feel uncomfortable when her boyfriend is over because her boyfriend is a married man.

The only thing I can be comfortable with is the fact that in this house we subscribe to the philosphy that each person can live their life how they want and it's not for any of us to make decisions for others. To each his own. Maybe you can make a funny about that.

I think being honest is the best way. It sometimes hurts in other ways, but it shows that you are who you are.

Gehanna said:

Let's just say you can't say something all Miss Manners-like, like, "I'm not comfortable with this conversation,"

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Why would you not be able to do that?


Sincerely,
Gehanna

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Depending on the person and the circumstance, sometimes extreme tact is required. Some people can become quite antagonistic in the face of brutal honesty.