What Would A Normal Person Do?

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C.bronco

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In the story there's a couple who have been together for many years. The husband still keeps in touch, mostly by phone, with a female childhood friend who he dated at one time prior to meeting the wife. How much time would he spend on the phone with her or visiting her before it becomes inappropriate?
 

sassandgroove

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erm - um- sort of spoiler alert---



? Have you read Wifey by Judy Blume? That happens. She finds out becuase she finds a letter, but she jumps to conclusions rather than talking to him about it. Is that a spoiler? Oh dear better put a warning...

Anyway, I am not sure how normal her reaction is. What is the wife like in your story? If it were me, I think I would not like it and would ask my husband to keep contact to a minimum. At the same time, it might be apparent that neither are interested in each other in "that way" and it would be okay. I guess it depends on what else is going on and the kind of contact.
 

JoNightshade

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Um... I'm not an especially overprotective wife, but if my husband were spending ANY time alone with a woman he dated previously, I would find that objectionable.

If it's a childhood friend who happens to be there when the old gang gets back together, fine. If there's an occasional email or a phone call that's based on needing some information (maybe trying to track down another friend, looking for a number or address, etc.), and they chat for a while, that's fine. But I would not be okay with them just chatting on the phone because they're "friends."
 

Roger J Carlson

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For me, the "having dated" thing would put the skids on it right there. A childhood friend whom he had always treated as a sister might be appropriate to have over for dinner with the family, but long, intimate conversations? I don't think so.

ETA: This all presupposes that I'm "normal", of course.
 

C.bronco

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I never read Wifey.
Okay, the wife knows the friend, who has been to her house for dinner parties, usually bringing a date. An occasional call to or from the friend never bothered the wife before, but becuase of the plot, the calls become lengthier and more frequent. How much would it take, or how little would it take for the wife to lose her temper? I don't want her character to be psychotic, but I don't want her to be a pushover either.
 

sassandgroove

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One lengthy phone call wouldn't be noticed, would it? But two or three or four, in a small amount of time, I'd notice. I'd probably seethe and hold it in and then snap and something unrelated, leaving my hubby wondering what the hell just happened. Are his calls getting longer becuase of other problems in the marriage? That would shorten the time it takes the wife to lose patience, I think.
 

JoNightshade

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If I was the wife in your story, one lengthy call would be enough to have me asking questions. I mean, I do this anyway after my husband gets off the phone... I'm not naggy, I'm just curious. "Who was that? Oh, what did they say?" etc. If I asked any of these normal questions and my husband was reticent or avoided answering directly... then I would be like, "Okay, I need to know why you were talking to her."

Incidentally, all my hubby would have to say to get me to lay off is imply (or state) that it was a "surprise" and that I should be patient. I'm so curious that I have ruined several surprises, so if he says that I back off. :)
 

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There could be other things too, that the husband thinks would be less "risky" like text messaging the other woman, and maybe the wife could discover the text messages.
 

jennifer75

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In the story there's a couple who have been together for many years. The husband still keeps in touch, mostly by phone, with a female childhood friend who he dated at one time prior to meeting the wife. How much time would he spend on the phone with her or visiting her before it becomes inappropriate?

It became appropriate the moment you/him entered into the relationship with you/him.

On another note: This varies on the couple. ALOT of women and men would not, and will not have this sort of thing.

I wouldn't. My SO wouldn't have it. A lot of women I know wont stand for it. And a lot of men I know wont have for it.

Nobody want's an X in the picture. Regardless of the reason for seperation.

I don't.
 

jennifer75

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I never read Wifey.
Okay, the wife knows the friend, who has been to her house for dinner parties, usually bringing a date. An occasional call to or from the friend never bothered the wife before, but becuase of the plot, the calls become lengthier and more frequent. How much would it take, or how little would it take for the wife to lose her temper? I don't want her character to be psychotic, but I don't want her to be a pushover either.

A normal woman would lose her temper after the first time, I think. Again, I may be the minority here. Grrrrrr.
 
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I wouldn't stand for it, right from the off. I believe in emotional, as well as physical, fidelity and wouldn't put up with any deviation.
 

MonaLeigh

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For me it would depend on if he told me about the calls. If I found out he was talking to her for an hour while I went grocery shopping, I wouldn't like that. I'd think he might have waited for me to leave.

An example, I am very close with my ex-husband and his wife. His wife and I are actually best friends. Once in while I call my ex-husband or email him about a computer problem or something. I always tell my husband that I talked to him, and usually tell his wife in passing conversation.

That probably didn't help you. Sorry.
 

Del

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Isn't it a matter of trust? Isn't trust the entire foundation to a relationship?

There is no way I would tolerate my wife getting bent out of shape because I was innocently talking to a woman...and if it wasn't innocent then the marriage was already in jeopardy and the woman was only a reaction to some other problem.

But I am neither possessive or jealous. My wife can talk to whom ever she wants. If there was anything to worry about it would simply be done behind my back anyway. If she strays then I don't mean all that much to her and maybe she would be happier with someone else. If she doesn't stray then there was no need to worry.

I don't much believe in forcing a strained relationship. If I knew I made her miserable then I would vacate no matter how much I loved her. How can I be happy if she isn't?
 

JoNightshade

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Isn't it a matter of trust? Isn't trust the entire foundation to a relationship?

I'm not suspicious of my spouse, but I know he's human. He knows I'm human as well. And human beings make stupid, idiotic mistakes like thinking it's okay to chat with an ex for an hour. We consider it a mutual responsibility to watch out for one another-- not with distrust and paranoia, but with concern and love. My boss, a man, took me out to lunch. My husband asked questions about that, as I would expect. Not because he thinks I'm bad or doesn't trust me, but because he wants to make sure I'm not doing anything that would lead anywhere stupid and hurtful. And because I know he's doing it in love, I didn't get all defensive or hurt.

Generally I think that people who say "If you love me, you have to trust me 100%, no matter what it looks like I'm hiding from you!" are probably hiding something. Relationships should be open and honest, not blind.

Sorry, that was totally off topic. Please ignore me. :)
 
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Isn't it a matter of trust? Isn't trust the entire foundation to a relationship?

Yes. And it, like respect and love, must be earned. If a spouse acts in a suspicious manner, that destroys trust.

There is no way I would tolerate my wife getting bent out of shape because I was innocently talking to a woman...

And there's no way I would tolerate my spouse (if I had one) 'innocently' talking to another woman and keeping it secret.

I don't much believe in forcing a strained relationship. If I knew I made her miserable then I would vacate no matter how much I loved her. How can I be happy if she isn't?

It's not about forcing anything. It's about respecting your partner enough to not even put those thoughts in their head, the suspicion that something might be going on.

Of course, some people are naturally jealous, but if it's in your power to put your spouse's mind at rest by ceasing secretive behaviour, why on Earth wouldn't you? I certainly would and I wouldn't take it as them being jealous, just deserving of respect and of me putting their peace of mind before my 'right' to opposite-sex friendships.
 

Del

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Sorry, that was totally off topic. Please ignore me. :)

Ok, your ignored.




:D


Relationships should be open and honest, not blind.

What could be more open and honest then trust? If it isn't two way then it isn't trust. If it is blind it isn't trust.

Just to work this back on track, for the purpose of the book, NORMAL people are emotional and react, usually over react. If your story wife had reason to feel threatened then she would react on a fairly short visit/call. If she didn't feel threatened she wouldn't react at all -- but a Looong call might arouse suspicion, although then you would have to write it into multiple long calls I would think, increasing her suspicion accordingly.
 
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To me, trust means you believe the other person wouldn't deliberately hurt you. And to get to that stage, they must have given you proof of this. Long phone calls to an ex wouldn't constitute proof.
 

Del

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I'm sorry Peaches. It's over between us. I can't go on like this.

Of course, some people are naturally jealous, but if it's in your power to put your spouse's mind at rest by ceasing secretive behaviour, why on Earth wouldn't you? I certainly would and I wouldn't take it as them being jealous, just deserving of respect and of me putting their peace of mind before my 'right' to opposite-sex friendships.

But Bronco didn't say anything about secrets or suspicious activity. I took it to mean he was having an obvious phone call. Does she know he is on the phone? What he is saying? Or does she happen upon the the call in the bill?

There is a matter of method that needs disclosing to aptly contrive the situation.
 

dahmnait

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I am not sure if my relationships are normal, but one of my best friends is someone I dated years ago. We went so far as to have *gasp* sexual relations before deciding that it wasn't there. That was actually the deciding factor. We had everything except the physical intimacy.

My boyfriend knows about the prior relationship. He has no problems if I have long conversations with my friend. It doesn't bother him that I tell my friend, "I love you." A few factors have made this a comfortable situation.

1.) I was completely honest about the relationship from the start. I made very sure that my bf was comfortable with the situation.

2.) I tell my boyfriend when I talk to my friend.

3.) I don’t make my conversations private when my boyfriend is around. I don’t take my calls to another room, and my bf can hear the entire conversation if he so desired.

Now, in this situation, if I was to start hiding the conversations, or if I was dropping everything to talk to, or be with, my friend, then I am sure my bf would have a problem. And rightly so. I think in the case of your story, any deviations from the norm would start to increase suspicion. How long it would take would depend upon whether or not she was ok with it from the start. Of course, any hint of increased intimacy in the husband's voice shoots her suspicion right up there.

On the other hand, if the wife knew nothing about a continued friendship between her husband and his ex, then it would only take one phone call.

ETA: I just thought of something. A lot of the situation would depend upon how close the husband was with his ex. If the husband and his ex were really close in their relationship, the current wife's suspicions would come on a lot faster. Even if she was previously ok with the friendship.
 
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