- Status
Okay so yeah, that's a good reaction, since the best friend part is clearly the shocker here. I like it.
Sweet, Danger Jane! I think I might have to tone down the language. but I mean, who wouldn't be swearing after that?
No leave it in. Is she an average teenage girl? Not some prissy priss who says "fudgecakes" after dropping a car on her foot?
Then she probably is a bit of a pottymouth.
Then she probably is a bit of a pottymouth.
That happened to me when I was younger and though I didn't outwardly react that way, that's how I felt inside. It is written well and the message was conveyed perfectly.
- Joined
- Aug 24, 2007
- Messages
- 5,730
- Reaction score
- 8,938
- Location
- still in the dungeon
- Website
- www.melaniehoo.com
I think that reaction is perfect. My best friend only kissed my boyfriend, but I wish I could've put together a reaction like that.
I'm really loving this story as you've been putting it up in bits and pieces. I thought her reaction was great. Very well described, too.
Now, go find a reason - doesn't have to make sense, just make up a question or whatever - to post the next scene...
Now, go find a reason - doesn't have to make sense, just make up a question or whatever - to post the next scene...
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2005
- Messages
- 1,347
- Reaction score
- 397
Her reaction was great. I loved the scene.
I do have a problems with him. Sorry.
First a question: Is this their first date? Because it seemed like it. If so, there are three things that bother me about him.
1.He goes into the bathroom with her. Ick. I don’t know any guy who’d willingly do that (of course I may be wrong but…) . It would be much more likely that he stood outside the door waiting.
2.He calls her “honey.” Double-Ick on the first date. Would she really let him do that?
3.He’s trying to get her to talk. It’s one thing if she talks and he listens, but what guy after watching a girl breakdown and then throw up asks her questions?
I do have a problems with him. Sorry.
First a question: Is this their first date? Because it seemed like it. If so, there are three things that bother me about him.
1.He goes into the bathroom with her. Ick. I don’t know any guy who’d willingly do that (of course I may be wrong but…) . It would be much more likely that he stood outside the door waiting.
2.He calls her “honey.” Double-Ick on the first date. Would she really let him do that?
3.He’s trying to get her to talk. It’s one thing if she talks and he listens, but what guy after watching a girl breakdown and then throw up asks her questions?
I think on that last point, writermom, it depends on their relationship. Yeah, a little bit of prying if it's the first date...but he might be that type of guy, and it makes sense for later in their relationship. The I Want to Fix It kind. And you have to know stuff to fix it.
- Joined
- Feb 12, 2005
- Messages
- 28,750
- Reaction score
- 2,934
- Location
- right here
- Website
- www.veinglory.com
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2005
- Messages
- 1,347
- Reaction score
- 397
It's a bit dry at the beginning... but I only think it's because (a) it's a first draft so it's rough (b) we don't know how she feels about him - because we're coming in halfway and (c) it's missing the atmosphere and innerdialog that comes with latter drafts.
I do think it's good for a first draft. And I don't think that it will ultamately feel stilted once it's polished and in context.
I do think it's good for a first draft. And I don't think that it will ultamately feel stilted once it's polished and in context.
- Joined
- Feb 12, 2005
- Messages
- 28,750
- Reaction score
- 2,934
- Location
- right here
- Website
- www.veinglory.com
I mean I had trouble buying it as a real conversation, it didn't quite flow as how people really talk. Maybe that's just me but I thought I'd mention it.
I keep wanting to tell her to cheer up! Ginger seems so jaded! I want to see her go through a change and become a lighter person. So this is a great piece since I can't wait to read more. Good character development with Ginger, and her reaction is real. The guy almost seems too perfect in this exchange. Does he have any flaws? If only to give him some dimension.
BTW, we spent a family day in your town on Monday. The kids had fun running around on the trails in the rhododendron garden.
BTW, we spent a family day in your town on Monday. The kids had fun running around on the trails in the rhododendron garden.
- Status