Why people don't what's on their minds?

maestrowork · Aug 31, 2007

Recently I reconnected with someone I knew in college. She was fun, cool, and a darn nice person. I had a big crush on her but I was very shy back then. I actually thought she didn't like me -- I wasn't particularly handsome, articulate, or outgoing. She would look at me, avert her eyes and "ignore" me. Because of that, I never thought I should get to know her better.

Well, now we've reconnected, and she is married and just became a mom and I don't really have the same feelings for her anymore, so we're just becoming friends, and she told me that she had a big crush on me back then and she was so afraid I would know. That was why she "ignored" me. I was fascinated by the revelation, and I realized I did the same thing. And she confirmed it -- she thought I was stuck up and not interested in her at all and she sure wasn't going to be the one who "came on" to me.

I realized what a waste of time and opportunities.

We are both different people now, and we joked that if we had met now instead of back then we would so totally get together. I guess it reminds me that one of the growing pains is how our confidence and uncertainty about life and love and relationships and everything else color our perceptions and judgment, and how life might have been different if we had said what we thought and believed and just waited for the other shoe to drop without worrying about the end of the world.

Maryn · Aug 31, 2007

Isn't that the case so often, Ray? (Psst--give that puppy a missing-words proofread, will ya?) I was very shy in high school, less so in college, and now only kind of. But my experience attending a reunion was not at all unusual, learning that someone had a crush on me who I certainly would have gone out with. He was scared to ask, I was scared to let him know he should...

Not that I'm not a perfect fit for Mr. Maryn, but it's interesting to imagine the directions life might've gone if only I'd been able to make eye contact all those years ago.

Maryn, who no longer calls herself "shy," preferring "recluse"

scarletpeaches · Aug 31, 2007

Fear of rejection. *sigh*

Sounds like a sob story I know but I'm always amazed when someone 'likes' me that way; I assume they don't so I rarely say anything myself. I assume they're out of my league.

It wastes a lot of time and opportunities, but can't see a way of building my confidence where I can tell someone I like them without having a nervous breakdown over it.

JoNightshade · Aug 31, 2007

I know for me, being married, I am much less patient with this sort of behavior when I see it in others. People "hiding" for fear of rejection and what not. I encourage people wherever I can to RISK IT! Most of the time it's totally obvious that two people are interested in each other, but both are to self-conscious and afraid to do anything about it. A few weeks ago my husband actually had to restrain me from simply walking up to two of our friends and saying, "You guys like each other, ok? Go for it."

dclary · Aug 31, 2007

Why people don't what?

JoNightshade · Aug 31, 2007

PS I guess at some point in my life I realized, what is the big deal? What if they DO reject me? What if this relationship DOESN'T work out? I can't live in fear of all of the "ifs" out there, or I will never live. Dating my husband was a huge risk for me. It was risky socially and it was a HUGE risk emotionally because I knew the odds were it wouldn't work out and I was a perfectionist when it came to my personal life.

But it did work out. So you never know. GO FOR IT!

cray · Aug 31, 2007

"the snow turned into rain"

Roger J Carlson · Aug 31, 2007

Not too long ago, I was talking to my best friend from high school. We were reminiscing, and I said something about how none of the girls in high school were ever interested in me. He looked at me and said, "Yes they were. A lot of them."

Apparently, I was supposed to notice them or something. Who knew? :Shrug:

Siddow · Aug 31, 2007

It's been my experience that people don't what's on their minds because they can't find the right verb.

Azraelsbane · Aug 31, 2007

JoNightshade said:
PS I guess at some point in my life I realized, what is the big deal? What if they DO reject me? What if this relationship DOESN'T work out? I can't live in fear of all of the "ifs" out there, or I will never live.

I figured this out a little too early. Like, back in 6th grade, when I had no problem asking out the guy I was interested in. Most of my girlfriends were whispering and giggling on the playground about their crushes, with constant slappings of one another to make sure no one would tell. I was just really confused about how they expected the guy to know they liked them...if they didn't tell the guy! Guys are so oblivious. You have to smack them upside the head with a tire iron to get them to notice stuff like that.

Also, just fyi for guys: If you catch a girl staring at you, and she quickly looks away. Unless you have a huge wart on your face, or some other oddity, chances are she was checking you out.

melaniehoo · Aug 31, 2007

Don't we all wish we could go back and rewrite a few episodes from our past. I was just telling my husband about a girl from my high school who made my life a living hell. As I told him things she'd say, he kept interrupting, wondering why I didn't put her in her place. Today, I wouldn't have hesitated, but back then, I'd sulk away. The benefit from that experience is I learned to stand up for myself. It took a couple years to realize she shouldn't mean anything to me. If only I could see her now!

maestrowork · Aug 31, 2007

Roger J Carlson said:
Not too long ago, I was talking to my best friend from high school. We were reminising, and I said something about how none of the girls in highschool were never interested in me. He looked at me and said, "Yes they were. A lot of them."

Apparently, I was supposed to notice them or something. Who knew?

I was a frigging idiot back then. I guess I still am. My then-girlfriend said I had tunnel vision -- she was amazed by how people would check me out but I wouldn't notice. At all. And there were things that happened (like a girl invited me to her dorm room to read a poem she wrote)... that I took as a completely innocent thing (I read the poem, said I liked it, and when she didn't say much else, I left... ARGH!) and only later realized it wasn't that innocent.

Roger J Carlson · Aug 31, 2007

Azraelsbane said:
Also, just fyi for guys: If you catch a girl staring at you, and she quickly looks away. Unless you have a huge wart on your face, or some other oddity, chances are she was checking you out.

Now you tell me. :e2smack:

sunna · Aug 31, 2007

That's weird...I just had a similar conversation with one of my best friends from college last night. We used to go for midnight walks and talk about everything: I was a tomboy type who figured I'd end up having one-night stands with whoever caught my eye, and he had this incredible list for what he was looking for in a girl.....we argued about it all the time. We were so close we'd take naps together. I never really had a crush on him, but it crossed my mind more than once that we'd be pretty great togehter - but his list made it very clear he was looking for a girl far more feminine than I have ever been. He wrote this love song and I made up a harmony; we both played guitar and we recorded it at the end of our sophmore year. He would never tell me who it was about.

Aaaaaannnd....apparently it was me. I almost fell over when he told me that last night. (my husband "I-told-you-so'd" me all over the apartment for the rest of the night, though he never did tell me so.) Am I a huge idiot or what?

Now I'm married (very happily), and he's got a new girlfriend every month or so. They are all very feminine.

People are funny.

CaroGirl · Aug 31, 2007

As a young person, I was full of hormones, yo-yo-ing self-esteem, fear of the future, fear of the present, fear of other people. I didn't know what I wanted or what other people wanted and was too afraid to speak my mind because of the possibility of rejection.

The key is to drink a lot. Lower those inhibitions.

cray · Aug 31, 2007

wait, is this a "trying to figure out what chicks are thinking" thread?

:roll:

MidnightMuse · Aug 31, 2007

For me, those years were too full of crap at home (with mom and dad divorcing and the violence) I didn't give anyone a second glance. My friends informed me, years afterward, that some real nice guys had been interested, but I was giving off that "stay away" vibe :Shrug:

.

I dunno if I screwed up back then and ruined my chances, but to this day I'm single (and pretty sure that was the best choice, overall)

TrainofThought · Aug 31, 2007

MidnightMuse said:
I dunno if I screwed up back then and ruined my chances, but to this day I'm single (and pretty sure that was the best choice, overall)

True. What one doesn’t know, and NOT taking risks doesn’t necessarily lead to unhappiness.

JoNightshade · Aug 31, 2007

maestrowork said:
I was a frigging idiot back then. I guess I still am. My then-girlfriend said I had tunnel vision -- she was amazed by how people would check me out but I wouldn't notice. At all. And there were things that happened (like a girl invited me to her dorm room to read a poem she wrote)... that I took as a completely innocent thing (I read the poem, said I liked it, and when she didn't say much else, I left... ARGH!) and only later realized it wasn't that innocent.

Oh, I was totally the girl version of you. I was pretty awkward and not very attractive throughout my childhood, and then when I got to high school it was all the same people I'd always been in school with. None of them wanted me and I had no desire for them. I was used to thinking of myself as unattractive and undesirable.

Then I went to college. Suddenly I had all these guys doing weird things like striking up conversations in the laundry room, suddenly ringing me because they "wanted to go see the monarch butterflies that only migrate through here once a year," and would I like to go with them... etc. etc. This went on for a while until one day I ended up at the beach, shoes off, climbing up into a tree. I'm sitting there and this dude I'm with is standing there in the sand taking photos of me.

And I realize: THIS IS A DATE. All of these weird guys are INTERESTED IN ME. WTF?!?!?!

Somehow, in my limited experience, I had always expected guys to come up to me and say, "Hey, do you want to go on a date with me?" You know, like, make it obvious.

I discovered that in real life, apparently this doesn't happen. They con you into doing something that turns INTO a date. After that I was very careful.

NeuroFizz · Aug 31, 2007

Buck it up with a chest-puffing smile, Ray. The scenery is almost always better through the windshield than through the rear-view mirror, mostly because you've already seen the latter.

And, Davids, no "rear-view" remarks here--that's in another thread.

MidnightMuse · Aug 31, 2007

NeuroFizz said:
The scenery is almost always better through the windshield than through the rear-view mirror

'cept for all that bug-guts stuff.

Just sayin'.

maestrowork · Aug 31, 2007

Oh but sometimes the rearview is much prettier (especially if there's a big storm looming where you came from... the view could be spectacular)

NeuroFizz · Aug 31, 2007

MidnightMuse said:
'cept for all that bug-guts stuff.

Just sayin'.

Just make sure the protection, I mean windshield, doesn't leak.

Ray, there is a reason they put the male genitals on the front of the body.

kristie911 · Aug 31, 2007

I used to be like that, I didn't approach guys because I have a bit of a self-esteem issue (yeah, I know, who woulda thought?

) But then a very close friend from college, who I had a huge crush on, (okay, actually I was completely in love with him...seriously) was killed in a car crash (his fault, he was drunk). I was devastated, especially because he died without ever knowing how I'd felt about him.

I will never let that happen again. I'm far more upfront now...without being stalker-creepy.

akiwiguy · Aug 31, 2007

This kind of thing can actually be a painful revelation years later, I mean if it is part of an ongoing life story. I've uncovered quite a few such missed opportunities, and to be honest it all forms a pattern that can make one quite sad if you really think about it.

I remember meeting a woman once who suiddenly said part way through the evening "Hey, I've clicked who you are. You were in my sister's class, and are the guy every chick in school wanted to score!" What? No, I was the dumb-nuts who felt like a bag of shit who was the only one missing out. Doh!

If that was a temporary teenage thing then fine, but sometimes this shit pervades one's whole life, and everything in it (writing...?..) and then makes for blackness indeed. One would think that by the age of 50 one would have sorted some things, but it ain't necessarily the case. Is there a either a shrink in the house, or an exorcist, 'cause I currently fuckin' need one. Smile.

Why people don't what's on their minds?

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