Please give me feedback

I've posted a short, one-page section of my book over in the Share YOur Work forum. I'm really struggling with this particular bit and am in desperate need of help. If you wouldn't mind giving a read and letting me know how I can fix it, I would really appreciate it!

Thanks!

http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=75099

Thanks Kimmi! I do think it will be a wonderful book if I can pull it off. It's the pulling it off that's the hard part!