Older YA First few pages. Feelings?

I thought this was a really big improvement. I like that you got Peter in then and also the mom. I definitely felt more sympathy towards Cassandra and I was a lot more connected to her and pulled into the story more quickly. Will the chapter continue with meeting River and Tate?

Everyone knew it would be only a matter of time before the place got busted, and as a result, it was always packed.

It was none of her business how I spent my inheritance and if I wanted to waste it on beer, drugs or prostitutes, MALE EXOTIC DANCERS? Prostitutes are women. Pimps or Gigolos are men. (pimps are usually in charge of prostitutes.)

“I have no idea what normal is. But, just in case Connie’s right, maybe you should quit after this beer.” Not sure if he should even buy her a beer if he feels this way after the phone conversation. You may want to cut out buying her a beer.

Just little things. But overall I enjoyed reading it. I felt like she was edgy and troubled. I am interested if she relaxes during the rest of the story. Or finding out if she finds happiness.
Hope this helps.
- TL

My phone began to vibrate in my pocket and I took a quick sip of beer as I wiggled it out. What does she want now? The present tense bothers me since the rest has been in the past.


She sat silent for a minute and I waited for her lecture, but instead her tone was calm as she spoke. How did she know her mother sat silent for a minute? She can't see her.


“You do?” she asked honestly surprised. We sat uncomfortably on the line for a minute and then she cleared her throat. “Why haven’t you called back?” Sitting on a line seems weird to me for some reason...



Bitch. I clicked the phone shut and tossed it onto the bar. One of these days I was going to change my number and not tell her. This tense change bothers me as well, but that's just my opinion. I tipped my beer upward and gulped at it until it was emptied. I tried to flag down the bartender, but he was mixing a margarita for a couple of sorority girls on the other end.

Figures.

My phone vibrated on the bar top and I checked the number, grimacing when I recognized it as my mother’s. I was done with her tonight. 'was' and 'tonight' don't work well in the same sentence. I knew that she was only calling about the money. My money. It was none of her business how I spent my inheritance and if I wanted to waste it on beer, drugs or prostitutes, it was of no consequence to her. Just because she blew through the money my father left her in less than two years, did not mean that I had to bail her out. In fact, I wasn’t going to.

The rattling of my phone started again and I watched it curiously, waiting for it to vibrate itself on the floor and smash into a million pieces. When did the rattling stop?

“I agree,” he said nodding at me. “She has been very destructive lately. Oh, I know. I’ve told her too.” He was chatting with her like he was one the ladies from her book club, and yet he said everything directly to me. I was slightly warming to blondes. I think this is obvious without the explanation and probably funnier too.


“Connie thinks that you’ve been drinking too much. She’s worried about you and she wants me to convince you to start therapy. Is this the usual kind of conversation you have with your mother? In a bar?” I think this should be one question.


No. For now I was content with pointless hookups with hot guys that looked like pricks. Hey every girl goes through her bad boy phase; I just knowingly choose to go through mine now. This "now" is particularly bothersome for me.


“Basketball?” I asked surprised. It was pretty obvious as I looked at the group, that they were all freakishly tall, way too tall to be anything other than a group of basketball players.

“Oh,” he said and seemed to think. “Well, uh, I gotta go. I have a curfew at the dorms, you know, there’s a game tomorrow and everything.” He seemed to think what?


Turning away, I put my elbows up on the bar and rested my face on my palms. That was interesting, I thought with a grin. But then I pushed back the warm feeling and reminded myself that I was not into relationships. Not anymore. I’d been there and done that, and if there was anything that was for certain, it was that they don’t last. Why hurt myself on purpose?


Not sure if you were looking for a line critique or not, but I'm kind of procrastinating....my novel is calling me as I sit here...

I liked this. I would definitely read more. The only issue I have is the mixing of past and present tense, but I know that it doesn't bother everyone.

Good luck with it!