do you find people don't get it?

Honalo · Aug 8, 2007

Does anyone find that people who aren't writers, who don't need to devote time and intense self-discipline to get something written and pitched, who don't need to research piles of agents - that these people don't understand when you need to be a little selfish with your time?

I'm embroiled in such controversy right now. I've been to the girl's engagement party and I'm going to her wedding but her showers (yeah, she's got two wedding showers coming up) are at the worst time for me. I'm just finishing the book i've worked on for 2 years and have to gear up to research agents and I work full time and only have Saturdays and Sundays to do all of this (and, oh yeah, clean the house, do the gardening, etc.) - and people are mad at me because I'm not attending either shower (both are out of state). Of course, I bought her a gift and a card. Her intended is the son of my husband's best friend so I guess that means I should have, what, given up my life's dream with so little time left?? (I really need to catch the fall market in terms of pitching this book - I don't want to wait until January).

Has anyone had anything similar happen?

Jabs · Aug 8, 2007

Tell her to suck it up and drive on, you concentrate on your thing.
Friggin' showers...

scarletpeaches · Aug 8, 2007

I've had to learn to be selfish with my time lately. Some friends are supportive and the ones who aren't...aren't my friends any more. I don't care who you are; if you deny my right - yes, my right - to have time on my own, then don't let the door hit your arse on the way out.

JoNightshade · Aug 8, 2007

Personally, I'd have given up the writing/research time to go to the shower... except for the fact that it is out of state. I'm not sure why anyone would expect you to do that anyway, writing aside. And... dude, engagement party, two showers, and a wedding?

I got married, and I had a wedding. No showers, no engagement parties, no nothing. That sounds kinda like she just wants lots of presents, to me.

Honalo · Aug 8, 2007

Failed to mention: not just one engagement party - but 2! TWO!!
For the folks in both states!

PrettySpecialGal · Aug 8, 2007

Jabs said:
Tell her to suck it up and drive on, you concentrate on your thing.
Friggin' showers...

word.

sassandgroove · Aug 8, 2007

Of course, I bought her a gift and a card. Her intended is the son of my husband's best friend so I guess that means I should have, what, given up my life's dream with so little time left??

But but but, she's not even family. And you're on the Groom's side anyway. How can they expect you to sacrifice so much time, regardless of how you spend it. I mean it's not like the shower is up the street. No. Sending a gift and a card is fine. Trust me, I read a lot of etiquette stuff and Emily would agree with me. Have you seen the thread, Stupid things Non Writers say. I think you'd like it. Heck you don't even have to go to the wedding if it is out of state.

III · Aug 8, 2007

I've given up on showering alltogether to devote more time to writing. Now people don't mind not having me around. Problems solved.

BenPanced · Aug 8, 2007

Mela said:
Does anyone find that people who aren't writers, who don't need to devote time and intense self-discipline to get something written and pitched, who don't need to research piles of agents - that these people don't understand when you need to be a little selfish with your time?

I'm embroiled in such controversy right now. I've been to the girl's engagement party and I'm going to her wedding but her showers (yeah, she's got two wedding showers coming up) are at the worst time for me. I'm just finishing the book i've worked on for 2 years and have to gear up to research agents and I work full time and only have Saturdays and Sundays to do all of this (and, oh yeah, clean the house, do the gardening, etc.) - and people are mad at me because I'm not attending either shower (both are out of state). Of course, I bought her a gift and a card. Her intended is the son of my husband's best friend so I guess that means I should have, what, given up my life's dream with so little time left?? (I really need to catch the fall market in terms of pitching this book - I don't want to wait until January).

Has anyone had anything similar happen?

Dear Gentle Reader:
Both are out of state. Time and expense are major factors in your consideration to not go. You've properly sent your regrets; not doing so would have been even more rude than this perceived slight. You've acknowledged the event with a card and a gift. What more do they want? Egg in their beer?

Excuse me. Miss Manners has come down with a slight case of the vapors and must take a moment to collect ~~him~~herself.

JAG4584 · Aug 8, 2007

different lifestyle

I guess the best way to put all of this is as people we are a reflection of our surroundings so if we are surrounded by positive people who are supportive I think it will reflect in our work as writers.

I keep it simple and when my priorities are not acknowledged or supported I don't have these folks in my life its not that difficult as many will be supportive....

Gehanna · Aug 8, 2007

I agree with JAG4584.

akiwiguy · Aug 8, 2007

IMHO these people sound a bit "precious" to me. You've attended the engagement, are going to the wedding... but there's two showers in other states and they're pissed off that you're not attending? I understand the significance to them of the occasion, but that doesn't mean the rest of the world can stop for a year to celebrate.

Friends that I value just don't place conditions on our friendship... if we don't see each other for years we understand and really enjoy the time we do have together.

Just my own thing, but all of the best weddings I 've attended have been casual affairs, with real friends enjoying each others company and celebrating honestly. Why the hell would you want it marked as a time of guilt trips and ill feeling? Bizarre concept to me. Is it a numbers game or something?

thethinker42 · Aug 8, 2007

2 showers, 2 engagement parties, a wedding...AND they have the audacity to be upset that you can't -- OH THE HORRORS -- make it when it's also out of state?

Sounds more like a wedding gift shakedown to me. What I would have done is bought a set of steak knives (which are invariably on many gift registries) and given them one for each shakedown. Er, party.

scarletpeaches · Aug 8, 2007

I've always thought it's not the wedding that matters anyway, but the marriage.

But - if I ever get hitched, I'm placing bouncers on all doors to keep thethinker42 out, although knowing her dark powers she'll probably materialise in the middle of the reception and do her Dance of the Seven Parakeets...

Shadow_Ferret · Aug 8, 2007

Mela said:
Does anyone find that people who aren't writers, who don't need to devote time and intense self-discipline to get something written and pitched, who don't need to research piles of agents - that these people don't understand when you need to be a little selfish with your time?

Hell, I'm a writer and I don't get it. Intense self-discipline? When did that become a requirement? I thought I could just sit around, drink beer, and become famous that way.

By the way, seems to me you're the one being selfish. A couple showers won't kill you. You don't sound like much of a friend.

thethinker42 · Aug 8, 2007

scarletpeaches said:
I've always thought it's not the wedding that matters anyway, but the marriage.

Yeah, but the wedding can be fun too. LOL I just always thought the wedding and the marriage were more important than the GIFTS. I swear, some people approach their wedding like they're winning the freaking lottery. Ugh.

But - if I ever get hitched, I'm placing bouncers on all doors to keep thethinker42 out, although knowing her dark powers she'll probably materialise in the middle of the reception and do her Dance of the Seven Parakeets...

Well, shit. There goes the surprise...

thethinker42 · Aug 8, 2007

Shadow_Ferret said:
By the way, seems to me you're the one being selfish. A couple showers won't kill you. You don't sound like much of a friend.

But two showers out-of-state?? Writing self-discipline aside, that is asking a bit much. I could see expecting (in the gracious "I hope you can come but no worries if you can't" kind of way) someone to show for ONE, but both?

Then again, I suppose it also depends on if we're talking out-of-state as in New Jersey to Delaware vs. Southern California to Oregon. "Out-of-state" can mean an hour drive or a 10 hour drive depending upon which state one lives in.

William Haskins · Aug 8, 2007

i find that one must close off all logistical and emotional engagement to be a writer.

only when we shut the people out who are most important to us do our words truly flow.

they need to understand that we're different, special even. no entrepreneur or doctor or teacher or anyone with any self-respect would take time off from their profession for such inconvenient, if rare, moments.

now is the time to get out in the open that if you have a project that's really flowing, there's a good chance you might not even make the wedding.

you really have to put your foot down with these situations. after all, you're an artist.

davids · Aug 8, 2007

Yah and I can fart really loudly and on command

William Haskins · Aug 8, 2007

which is perfect entertainment for a wedding reception.

we're really starting to tie this thing together...

davids · Aug 8, 2007

poetinahat · Aug 8, 2007

"I'm sorry, but I can't attend."

There's no reason to go into why. It would be rude to ask why.

All the best both with the pitch and with the extended family relations.

P.S. Dave, I thought I recognised you! You were in the band at our wedding, weren't you? The music was hard to waltz to.

Honalo · Aug 9, 2007

You guys were great; thanks for your replies. I have found more and more that the "other people" and I live in 2 different worlds - they are non-writers and rarely step into my world because when we get together inevitably I must hear about their world and that's really ALL we talk about. Now all of a sudden I have something important going on and I have a feeling there's an unwillingness on their part to budge.

Yes, I have blinders on where this book is concerned - it's the most important thing in my life, barring grave illness or tragedy (knock on wood). Working full time only gives me the weekends to work on this book.

I guess just once I wish the people fron the other side would at least try to connect outside of themselves. Sigh.

William Haskins · Aug 9, 2007

Mela said:
I guess just once I wish the people fron the other side would at least try to connect outside of themselves. Sigh.

they're likely thinking the same thing about you.

Honalo · Aug 9, 2007

Maybe William, except that for the last decade since first being introduced to these people, my world has been continually overshadowed by theirs and I've kept a low profile as far as my job or anything that I pursue. I've always been different - I'm not a mommy, I don't stay at home. I have a career - it's just a diffrent world from theirs.

Do you have non-writer friends/family/acquaintenances who just either ignore what you do or when you start talking they give you polite nods and then change the subject back to them?

That's what I'm talking about. And I can't shake them because they're lifelong friends of my husband's - they're the same as having inlaws.

do you find people don't get it?

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