Please help with dumb vocab question

SecretScribe said:

I have a paragraph (from a proposed query letter) in which the word "appeal" appears three times. I have been scouring the thesaurus and cannot find a suitable alternative. Any ideas? Perhaps there is a way to restructure the sentences??

Buried Secrets is a police procedural who-dunnit that will appeal to readers of commercial fiction, set against the unusual backdrop of contemporary Johannesburg. Although the novel is set in South Africa, it will appeal to lovers of mysteries from anywhere... ​

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Try starting from there. I'm half dead from lack of sleep at the moment and I'm not sure You need the Donna Leon reference. Maybe tell us why lovers of mysteries from anywhere will like it.

Buried Secrets is a police procedural whodunit that will also appeal to readers of commercial fiction. Set against the unusual backdrop of contemporary Johannesburg, South Africa, it will appeal to lovers of mysteries everywhere-- much the same way that Donna Leon’s novels have a broad following in the mystery genre.

Maybe just change it up a bit.

Buried Secrets is a police procedural who-dunnit set against the unusual backdrop of contemporary Johannesburg, South Africa. The novel's broad appeal will entice readers who enjoy commercial fiction and love a great mystery.

I don't know if that sounds exactly right, but hopefully that gives you an idea of what I was trying to do.

Buried Secrets is a police procedural who-dunnit that will appeal to readers of commercial fiction, set against the unusual backdrop of contemporary Johannesburg. Although the novel is set in South Africa, it will appeal to also interest lovers of mysteries from anywhere mystery lovers in much the same way that Donna Leon’s novels have a broad appeal following amongst followers of the genre.

That said, by starting the second sentence with "Although the novel is set in South Africa", you make it sound like having it set there is a bad thing. You may want to reconsider where you put the main focus. If your novel is really similar to Donna Leon's you can mention it, but I would definitely cut the first bit of that sentence. It's too wordy and doesn't really make a point.

SecretScribe said:

Buried Secrets is a police procedural who-dunnit that will appeal to readers of commercial fiction, set against the unusual backdrop of contemporary Johannesburg. Although the novel is set in South Africa, it will appeal to lovers of mysteries from anywhere in much the same way that Donna Leon’s novels have a broad appeal amongst followers of the genre.​

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Probably better just to cut the verbiage:


Buried Secrets is a police procedural who-dunnit set against the unusual backdrop of contemporary Johannesburg, South Africa, and will appeal to lovers of mysteries worldwide much as Donna Leon's novels would.

maestrowork said:

Probably better just to cut the verbiage:


Buried Secrets is a police procedural who-dunnit set against the unusual backdrop of contemporary Johannesburg, South Africa, and will appeal to lovers of mysteries worldwide much as Donna Leon's novels would.

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You have had some excellent responses here Miss Scarlet-Me? I would have to go with Ray's here-short-sweet-to the point-problem solved-unless of course you want to be verbose and have your bum laughed at-luv Dave

When you find that you just can't solve the problem no matter how hard you try, find a way to avoid the issue entirely. In other words, great suggestions here.