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NiennaC
08-04-2007, 08:04 AM
You read it folks. Get the kinks out, time to get all those mistakes and bad sentences out in one, horrible, query letter.

Disclaimer: I got this idea from another website I'd been browsing, and thought it might be fun to do here, too. (I checked around, and I don't think there's already a thread on this, if there is, I beg pardon. I didn't think there was.)

Basically, :Trophy:to whoever can write the worst one. I thought it might be nice also, to highlight why you wouldn't do some of the things you put in your query (for some of the less outrageous things, so that if someone realizes they have that exact thing in their query, they can figure out why we're saying it belongs in the "worst-query" pile.)

K, I'm a little tired tonight, so mine's not super, but here it is:

To Whom it May Concern,

My name is Jilly Betts, and I'm writing 'cause I want you to be my agent. I'm a totally good writer (I've got loads of recommendations from family members and teachers...I even won a contest once in fifth grade).

So, my story is about this girl whose ten and she goes to live with her father after a really bad divorce and realizes that she's a fairy princess and there's this horrible betrayal thing that happens, and she learns this secret, and then the story ends with this marriage. (but it's totally not what you're thinking!)

You've got to read this, because I know someone will eventually pick it up and you'll regret not being this person. So go on, request it!

Love ya,
Jilly

WordGypsy
08-04-2007, 09:17 AM
MR AGENT:

Hey there secret agent :) I just thought you'd wanna read my book. It's almost done! I spent twelve years writing it (mostly after schole, but sometimes while I was babysitting for my paren'ts friends the Dobersons who live down the street from us. There kids are SOOOOO cute!) and my mom and the Dobersons both think it's better than Steven King and you know he sells alot of books. It's basicaly a story about Dave, who decides at forty that he's sick of his life and wants to change, so he divorces his wife and leaves that whore and his fucking brats to go drive cross country. Mayham insues!!! It's a really funny book set in 1988 from fall to slightly after fall. You will love it cuz you're forty too! I read your blog. That joke you posted on last friday was funny! My mom thought so too! I've put the book on here as an attachment cuz I know you are already wanting to read it so I saved you the trouble :D
Looking forward to working with you for the next 8 books in this series and not working at McDonalds anymore,
Lila Davis (age 20)

Sohia Rose
08-04-2007, 09:47 AM
Dear Miss Query Agent:

I came across your email on some website. I hope I got the right address because I stopped paying my subscription, so I no longer have access to it. Anywho, back to this here thing. Shit. Where was i? Oh, ugh, yeh. You see. I got this memoirs in the works. I hate writin’ letters. do you want to represent me or not?

Yours Truly,
Ms. Fabulous Writer

blacbird
08-04-2007, 10:05 AM
Dear (agent's name)

Kick me.

An SASE is enclosed.

Thank your for your consideration.

Sincerely,

caw

aruna
08-04-2007, 02:05 PM
There's a Bad Query Thread somewhere on AW....

aadams73
08-04-2007, 02:10 PM
Right here (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=38545)

aruna
08-04-2007, 02:12 PM
And here's my contribution frm that thread (Can't be bothered to write a new one)

Dear Miss Agent,
Please present the enclosed manuscript to publishers. I am looking for a major publisher such as Tandem House. My book has 300000 words and it is an supernatural erotic thriller set in outerspace containing a conspiracy secret so great that will destroy the very basis of Western Civilisation, but highly literary in style, something like Ulysses meets Star Wars meets the Da Vinci Code.

The Vampire Princess Hoh-inarrah's whole world spirals out of control when she meets Pierre Beaulieu de Richelieu, a French Barron desceded from Louis XIV, whose inner demons have revealed to him the Secret of the Fourth Reich, by which the tiny city-state of Appenzell-von-Kleinmuendingen has catapulted Hitler's Third Molar in a golden casket, into space. The secret of this Casket can only be revealed, by desciphering a Code which can only be found by placing the King James Bible in an online translation service by which every fifth letter is elimenated and words are formed by placing the remaining letters in the cage of a Gorilla captured in the dungeons of Furzwangen-von-Zappelweiler. Through telepathy, Hitler's ghost then reveals the secret formula what will lead to the Molar and drag it down from the capsule that is circling in space. But first, Nasa headquarters must be overthrown and in a breakneck car-chase through the streets of pre-war war-devastated Warsaw, the President of the United States is assasinated by a villain worse, than your worst nightmare. As I mentioned above the style is highly literary. I have decided to write this book without the letter I, so as make it an enticing read for aficionados of literary puzzles.

As this book wil be in higfh demand from publishers and Movie studios I would prefer you to proceed with secret negotiations immediately, through a Literary Auction. I have chosen you because I see you represent Authors such as Phillip Roth and Ernest Hemingway.

My pen name is Princess Doctor Claudia Von Pieksieben-Hotzenpotz, my legal name is Mabel Dong. Checks should be made out to the latter.

Please only call me during regular office hours.

Mabel Dong

Bufty
08-04-2007, 02:27 PM
This dings my bell, Dong. Soon as you reads this remove thse posts on AW instantly to keep the compositon out - screw Tandem - I is what you need. Offer on the way. PS what's your address?

Legionsynch
08-04-2007, 04:28 PM
Dear Steve,


I remember when you said you were a agent while we were at the gym. It's possible you weren't talking to me, since I was just getting changed behind you, and you were on your cell phone. (Your abs are looking great, by the way).

Since you're an agent, and we know each other, I'm submitting the first chapter of my unwritten novel, Bad Cliche to you. I started writing this two years ago, and never got past the first chapter because I didn't have it sold. I need it sold to motivate me to finish writing it. My mom told me that I was always a slacker when I was growing up, but if I'm signing with you, then that's not really slacking, is it?

Azure Skye
08-04-2007, 05:40 PM
Dear Future Agent,

My books RAWKS!!! LOL Buy it, or else.

BenPanced
08-05-2007, 10:19 AM
Dear Mr. or Mrs. or Whatever Agent:

IVE WRTTN A RLLY KEWL BOOK. ITS ABOUT SM ELVES & GNOMES & SHT & THEY RESQ A PRNCSS & THEY SAVE TEH WRLD & SHT. I RLLY THINK U WILL LIEK IT SO PUBLISH IT & SEND ME MY MONEY.

Novelust
08-05-2007, 09:56 PM
TO WHO IT MIGHT CONCERN:

My name is Grate Author, and I have just finished writing the first chapter of what will, ultimately, prove to the greatest book in the known universe; and in some other universes as well that have recently discovered (LOL :P).

The book is for now titled 'F*** You and F*** Your Mother,' but as long as the profanity remains the title, I am open to many suggestion. (The contents of the book is so shocking, and I want the title to provoke a big reaction when the reader sees it so they will look; "once they look; they will be hooked!" my mother liked to say - she died last year it prompted me to finish the chapter - the book is dedicaed to her memory and my cat Samson. "Say hi, Samson!" "Mrrow!" LOL)

Several friends and professionals and engligh teachers read the book and had this to say:

"This book will change the life of anyone who reads it!"

"The government doesn't want you to know things; you should buy this!" (This was my mailman - he is a decorated war veteran of five wars.)

"I thought it would be offensive and I was right!" (LOL - this was my best friend being sarcastic - I was all WTF, but she said, 'explain it its funny' - so yeah, it is, now that I think about it LOL.)

"It's so serious it shoudln't be so funny!"

See enclosed the original copy of the first chapter. When you finish please mail it back not to the address on the envelope but the secondary address on the back of the thrid page (I am living with my sister but I am moving in with my other fiernd in two weeks - so much going oon LOL!). I am poor so I don't have the money for copies so please send this back ASAP if you don't want it (But of course you will :P). There is also a link to my site below and to my Paypal (I am asking anyone who reads the book and likes it donate five dollars - its cheaper than it would be to buy it in a store; so if you enjoy it, pls donate - like I said I AM POOR LOL.) When I have enough donators,, I will write the second chapter (or if it sells and I get a BIG PAYCHECK - *hint where you come in hint*).

Thx!

-G.

Celia Cyanide
08-06-2007, 01:34 AM
Right here (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=38545)

Soccer Mom started this thread. I would encourage everyone to go check it out, and contribute to it, if they can.

NiennaC
08-06-2007, 06:39 AM
Whoops, didn't mean to step on that other thread. Maybe I'll head on over and write another bad query for Soccer Mom's thread.

Soccer Mom
08-06-2007, 06:48 AM
There are some dandy's in that old thread. It brings a nostalgic tear to my eye.

Celia Cyanide
08-06-2007, 05:52 PM
Whoops, didn't mean to step on that other thread. Maybe I'll head on over and write another bad query for Soccer Mom's thread.

No, it's okay! I just wanted more people posting in this to see that one. Feel free to post over there, and take a look at it, because it's hilarious! If you like this stuff, you'll love that thread!

Birol
08-06-2007, 07:21 PM
You guys are very good at being bad, you know that?

MidnightMuse
08-06-2007, 08:26 PM
Some of us are even worse at being good :D

moth
08-06-2007, 09:14 PM
There are some dandy's in that old thread. It brings a nostalgic tear to my eye.
lol, me too. Writing bad queries is a very addicting exercise! :D

Izunya
08-07-2007, 03:03 AM
<Desperately fights the urge to timewaste . . .>

<Sighs and admits to self that she wasn't fighting all that hard.>

Deer Ms. Transparently Male Name,
Oh hai I upgraded yur bizness! LOL See I wroted a book that will make you lotz of $$$ it iz called MAGIC PONY PRINCESS DOES EVERYTHING RIGHT!!! My sister sayz it reminds her of an author called MARY SUE, so I use teh Goggle and iz MILLYUNZ of hitz! ROFL Mary Sue must be rilly famous only I don't know 'cause I don't read enny books Xept my own ROFL You website sayz you do not take kidz bookz but that iz where the reel $$$ iz I see that on TV with the j/k Rollings and she iz richer than THE QUEEN lmao so I knows you want my book. Well, u can reprezent it ROFLMAO but so noOone will steel it iz in my SEKRET SAFE DEPOZIT BOX and you have to com to my house to reed. Call me and we set up time, 'k?

kthxbai
Clueless Writer

Plot Device
08-07-2007, 03:10 AM
Yo.

Let's just get down to business.

YOU -- in need of a killer screenplay.

ME -- in need of a sale.

US -- perfect match!

Comprende?? GOOD!!!



I went ahead and just sent you the whole script (as you can obviously tell) with this letter. I expect you to read it no later than the fifteenth. So call me by the sixteenth. And we'll talk.

Toodles!

-Me

shakeysix
08-07-2007, 03:18 AM
Let me preface this by telling you that I am a genious. --and on and on--s6

jurched
08-23-2007, 01:47 AM
The Vampire Princess Hoh-inarrah's whole world spirals out of control when she meets Pierre Beaulieu de Richelieu, a French Barron desceded from Louis XIV, whose inner demons have revealed to him the Secret of the Fourth Reich, by which the tiny city-state of Appenzell-von-Kleinmuendingen has catapulted Hitler's Third Molar in a golden casket, into space. The secret of this Casket can only be revealed, by desciphering a Code which can only be found by placing the King James Bible in an online translation service by which every fifth letter is elimenated and words are formed by placing the remaining letters in the cage of a Gorilla captured in the dungeons of Furzwangen-von-Zappelweiler. Through telepathy, Hitler's ghost then reveals the secret formula what will lead to the Molar and drag it down from the capsule that is circling in space. But first, Nasa headquarters must be overthrown and in a breakneck car-chase through the streets of pre-war war-devastated Warsaw, the President of the United States is assasinated by a villain worse, than your worst nightmare.

Mabel Dong

How on earth did this mabel dong "person" get a hold of my plot?!

No really. How?

I mean, apart from Hitler's molar (didn't thinka that one), its like, word for word!

J

maestrowork
08-23-2007, 05:08 AM
Dear to whom it may consern:

I wrote a book. I know you want to publish it. don't you?

Write me a check and we'll talk business,

yours

Argoff Z.

jordijoy
08-23-2007, 05:30 AM
Dear agent,

i've got a book just like so-and-so that you've just gotta read. It's a cross 'tween star trek (the won with Picard) and star wars. I've been rightin' far many years know and i'm reel good ate it. So hit me back and we'll discuse it farther. know stamped envelope, so hit me up on my email-piece out!

sighed/Me

Monkey
08-23-2007, 06:42 AM
Dear Agent,

I have just finished writning the first book of a 12 book series that I will be writing. I wrote it over the summer break, so it really didn't take me that long, and if you like it, I can have the next one written by about two months from now, and that's even though each book will probably be around 100,000 words.

Anway, the first book is about a little dog named Arax'n. He has a weird name because his owner is a space alien who lives in the US but is trying desperately to fit in with the other suburbanites. Arax'n has a crush on the cat down the street (he's a very little dog), but alas, the love is forbidden by the Dog Code of Conduct, which Arax'n has only recently found out about from the neighbor's poodle but which he believes in wholeheartedly. Abrax'n likes the cat mostly because the cat is white with black spots, and Abrax'n is balck with white spots, and he figures it's sort of like a symbolic yin-yang thing, which it is, but that part comes later, in book 2.

Anyway, Abrax'n ends up going on a journey of discovery in his own back yard when he digs up what appears to be a mystical, fossilized dog treat that supposedlly has the power to morph whomever eats it into a dog. He finally sees a way to make his love life work out happily ever after. When his alien masters get ahold of the dogtreat, they begin using it to take over the human population of Abrax'n's town, and even get the cute cat's owners! After that, all hell breaks loose, with UFO's, Werewolves, angry Dingos from Down Under, and fairies that are after something...but no one knows what! It gets very exciting! But you'll just have to read it to find out what happens! The best part is that some of the plots in this first book won't get resolved till the end of book 12, so people will have to keep reading.

I don't have an E-mail address, and I always forget my zipcode, so just call me, OK?

Thanks,
Monkey

Sage
08-23-2007, 07:16 AM
To Whom It May Concern:

I would like you to agent/publish my fiction novel. All my friends, & my parents, & my English teacher say it's the best thing they've ever read. The book is 500,000 words, but I'm okay at adding more if you think it needs it. It is YA fantasy/sci-fi/romance/adventure/mystery/western/thriller-ish. I am targeting YA because that is my age group, so of course, I know what they would like to read, & it is this.

The story is about a Jesus clone who goes searching for lost Nazi treasure, but instead is sucked into a mid evil world through a portal & has to fight an ancient evil with the help of a talking cat, who he hates, but let's come along anyway. He falls in love with a firey red-headed farm-girl/thief, who turns out to secretly be the daughter of the evil guy, & also a princess. The Jesus guy, who is always good & sweet & cool & perfect, dies to save her, but is, of course, resurrected. While in the afterlife, though, he finds the magic sword, which is the very thing prophesized about in the prophecy he hears the moment he arrived in the other world. He beats the bad guy, & celebrates by having lots & lots & lots of sex with the princess, & also having a big feast at they're new castle. Then he woke up & found out it was all a dream. He's not even a clone of Jesus. He's a dog.

I have been published three times before. Once was through PublishAmerica, where I sold a whole 100 books around town here. I was also published in my middle school newspaper once & in a big book of poems (I'd be happy to send you the copy I paid for of the poem book, if you would like a sample. Hey do you publish poem books?). After you get this book published, I look forward to writing many, many more books. Please write me back & let me know ASAP.

Lots of love,
Sage

Koobie
08-23-2007, 08:23 AM
Heck, I seriously wouldn't mind reading a book about a Jesus clone searching for Nazi treasure with a talking dog by his side. :)

ccarver30
08-23-2007, 04:30 PM
I could probably put my real one up here and no one would know the difference. http://i166.photobucket.com/albums/u117/moontower07/hahano.gif

Monkey
08-23-2007, 11:27 PM
I like Sage's story. Can I buy it on Amazon?

Birol
08-23-2007, 11:29 PM
Don't you just hate it when you're trying to write something that is deliberately bad and people say they love it?

wayndom
08-24-2007, 09:41 AM
I'm with Monkey (so to speak). I like Sage's fiction novel. But it needs a title.

Canine Christ?

God Spelled Backward is Dog?

The End...of the Beginning?

or

The Beginning...of the End?

They're all so good...

aruna
08-24-2007, 09:43 AM
God Spelled Backward is Dog?



Yes! yes! YES!!!!!!

DeadlyAccurate
08-24-2007, 11:26 AM
Dear Agent:

I want you to represent my fiction novel, "Time For The End", which is 278 pages long. This book has bestseller written all over it. It's like a cross between Harry Potter and Stephen King's "The Stand", but it's alot better than both of those lousy books. Everyone that's read the book has said it's great and I'll be a bestseller.

Since this book is going to sell so many copies, you should only get 10% of my book sells. Your website said to send just this query letter and five pages, but I decided to save you some time and I sent you the whole manuscript. Please find the enclosed CD with the whole book on it. My address is at the bottom of this email so you can send the contract.

I'm looking forward to working with you. Please contact me as son as possible because I have ten other agents excited to work with me.

Sincerely,

Noah Klew

Sage
08-24-2007, 06:00 PM
Clearly, I'm a failure at being a failure... :roll:

Now I'm tempted to waste NaNo writing the novel

BenPanced
08-24-2007, 09:37 PM
To Whom It May Concern:

I would like you to agent/publish my fiction novel. All my friends, & my parents, & my English teacher say it's the best thing they've ever read. The book is 500,000 words, but I'm okay at adding more if you think it needs it. It is YA fantasy/sci-fi/romance/adventure/mystery/western/thriller-ish. I am targeting YA because that is my age group, so of course, I know what they would like to read, & it is this.

The story is about a Jesus clone who goes searching for lost Nazi treasure, but instead is sucked into a mid evil world through a portal & has to fight an ancient evil with the help of a talking cat, who he hates, but let's come along anyway. He falls in love with a firey red-headed farm-girl/thief, who turns out to secretly be the daughter of the evil guy, & also a princess. The Jesus guy, who is always good & sweet & cool & perfect, dies to save her, but is, of course, resurrected. While in the afterlife, though, he finds the magic sword, which is the very thing prophesized about in the prophecy he hears the moment he arrived in the other world. He beats the bad guy, & celebrates by having lots & lots & lots of sex with the princess, & also having a big feast at they're new castle. Then he woke up & found out it was all a dream. He's not even a clone of Jesus. He's a dog.

I have been published three times before. Once was through PublishAmerica, where I sold a whole 100 books around town here. I was also published in my middle school newspaper once & in a big book of poems (I'd be happy to send you the copy I paid for of the poem book, if you would like a sample. Hey do you publish poem books?). After you get this book published, I look forward to writing many, many more books. Please write me back & let me know ASAP.

Lots of love,
Sage

Dear Mr./Mrs./Miss/Ms. Sage:

WHAT?! NO ZOMBIES?! Automatic fail!

But please don't hesitate to consider sending us your work in the future!

"Sincerely,"

Ima Nagent

Monkey
08-24-2007, 09:58 PM
Clearly, I'm a failure at being a failure... :roll:

Now I'm tempted to waste NaNo writing the novel


If you do, be sure to post the first few chapters in SYW. :D

a_sharp
08-27-2007, 04:43 AM
Dear Ms. Agent,

I met you in the bar of the Westin Hotel on June 26, 1999 at the Maui Writers Conference where I'd had a few but you were kind enough to talk awhile. I wasn't actually a conference attender, I was in hotel security at the time. We had a scintilating conservation regarding my mystery thriller witch you suggested I finish before bothering you again. Well, I know you will be thrilled to learn that it's done, all except the last four chapters witch I am sure you can help with.

CATCHER IN THE WHEAT is a comming of age thriller about a 11-year-old boy who takes on al Quaidia and the Mafia after a titanic explosion rips the roof off the MGM Grand and FBI goofoffs bungle the case. His name is Seth MacBeth and his sidekick is a really funny guy name of Shawn Dawn who just cracks you up when things get really bad for Sethie.

I spent twenty years as a security officer at Bank of Larksville in Larksville, Tennessee, famous for Lark Burgers (no, not the bank, the town, ha-ha.) Anyways, I applied my experience and expertice to get some pretty accurate police detail about how people get jailed and stuff. My fellow officer, Randy Dunkin, has read the manuscript witch I have enclosed in the accompanying suitcase. Please ignore Randy's coffee spots on the tittle sheet witch I didn't have time to replace because I know you're a busy lady with lots of books to check out.

You can just send back the suitcase and keep the manuscript. I didn't have enough stamps for it.

Lovingly yours,
Submitting Writter