I have written a "questions for the author" section for my Web site and am asking for some feedback. If anyone's game could you please read over this and give me some feedback -- grammar, sentence structure, overall feel, too long, etc. My book's to be released in a little over a month. Thanks a ton!
-Paul
First of all, how did you come up with the idea of writing these crazy and inane questions to eBay vendors?
Four score and seven years ago. No, wait. It was a dark and stormy night. That's not right either. Oh yeah, one hot August night in Fresno, California I was sitting at my computer, navigating my way around the internet. I had heard through the family grapevine that my brother-in-law had put up a few things to sell on eBay and so I decided to check them out. He had some pretty funny and interesting items up for auction, including a lovely plastic sculpture of Jesus and his disciples sitting at the last supper. I pretended to be a potential customer and asked him some over-the-top questions about his Jesus sculpture and his other items. He finally discovered it was me and then replied to say that I should send some other wacky questions to other eBay sellers. The next day I found a Copper Wire Metal Flower Arranging Bird Cage that stated it was “Worry Free!”. My creative juices started flowing and I took on the persona of someone who was a compulsive worrier and sent him a message, asking if his item could really help cure my condition of worrying like his description promised. He quickly responded to assure me that the “Worry Free!” description refers to the ready-to-use nature of the cage and that it, sadly, would not cure my condition. Cha-ching! It worked. My obsessive-compulsive tendencies were now channeled in a new direction – firing off crazy questions and seemingly far-fetched scenarios to eBay vendors concerning their items. Thus, Letters to eBay was born.
What was your method of operation in choosing which auctions to exploit?
Sometimes the auctions would come to me in a vision. Other times, like Yoda, I channeled the force. But seriously, there were basically two ways I would find the auctions and come up with questions. When I first started writing these letters I would type in key words in the eBay search engine and see what would come up. Then I would click on an item, read over the description, and let my imagination flow like the grand Missouri River. Other times I would think of a crazy back story and then find an auction that fit my idea. Both ways were equally effective. And remember kids, don't try this at home – someone could lose an eye.
O.k., seriously, how did you come up with these crazy questions and insane backstories?
They say authors write what they know. Well, many of these letters were inspired by real events in my life. In the Cat in the Hat Stuffed Animal letter I asked if it could easily light on fire after being doused with gasoline. In the years of our Lord 1987-1995 there was a New Years tradition where my friends and I would lather up a stuffed animal with gas, light it on fire, and pull it behind a sport utility vehicle. Video evidence does exist. I currently play catcher in a men's baseball league which inspired me to ask if the Vintage Bill Dicky glove was big enough to catch my son, Little Willy, as he's birthed into the world. My five-year-old nephew has a t-shirt from a sports camp he attended that listed ten “politically correct” camp rules. So, I asked the seller of a box of tennis balls how high they would bounce off a small child, since I had started my own youth sport camp in which we play a game called “Death Ball”. And finally, as a fifth-grade teacher (believe it or not I even have a real credential!) I query an eBay vendor who's selling a set of rubber stamps if she had a stamp with the word “loser” on it. I told her I was inspired by the book THE SCARLET LETTER and was to brand poorly behaved children with a mark upon their forehead. Who says life doesn't imitate art?
Did you encounter any obstacles along the way?
Even before I landed an agent I knew there would have to be some legal hoops to jump through if my book was to be legitimately published. After we sold the book I was hoping for an easy way to garner permissions from eBay sellers to reprint their auction listings and e-mails. But, much to my dismay, Warner informed me that I would need a legal form signed by each and every eBay member if I wanted to include their auction and response in the book. So basically the entire summer of 2006 was spent sending out address requests via eBay's message system (I didn't have any of their e-mail addresses), sending out the release forms, and then agonizingly wait by the mail box for the signed forms to return to me. All in all, 115 eBay vendors returned forms which included my favorite ones. I did have one lady accuse me of being a stalker though. I'm not kidding.
Which letters and responses are your favorite?
There are two that stand out to me because the responses are better than anything I could have dreamed up myself. I wrote this whole back story of how I was a professional bull rider and caught my girlfriend, Shelby-Rae, cheating on me with a carrot-topped rodeo clown named Sprinkles. The eBayer was selling an I Love You Locket and I wanted to know if a sledgehammer, crowbar, or a pick-ax would do the trick when I present it to Shelby-Rae and promptly smash it to smithereens. To begin her reply she stated that it would smash very well with a small sledgehammer and proceeded to tell me about her retired rodeo cowboy husband and her desire to run away with me “where rodeos and clowns don't exist.” How's that for irony? Another eBay listing sported some beautiful Purple Satin Appliqués. I stated that my wife and I were creating our daughter's prom dress from scratch and would love to purchase her Satin Appliqués but had a concern. I told her that as strict Presbyterians we were against Satin and his powers of evil didn't want anything having to do with Satin. A little play-on-words fun. A sweet reply came my way as she clearly stated that she would never have evil in her auction and growing up was told that Satan was not the one to put her trust in. I'm glad we cleared up that misunderstanding.
Are you planning on writing any more LETTERS TO EBAY?
-Paul
First of all, how did you come up with the idea of writing these crazy and inane questions to eBay vendors?
Four score and seven years ago. No, wait. It was a dark and stormy night. That's not right either. Oh yeah, one hot August night in Fresno, California I was sitting at my computer, navigating my way around the internet. I had heard through the family grapevine that my brother-in-law had put up a few things to sell on eBay and so I decided to check them out. He had some pretty funny and interesting items up for auction, including a lovely plastic sculpture of Jesus and his disciples sitting at the last supper. I pretended to be a potential customer and asked him some over-the-top questions about his Jesus sculpture and his other items. He finally discovered it was me and then replied to say that I should send some other wacky questions to other eBay sellers. The next day I found a Copper Wire Metal Flower Arranging Bird Cage that stated it was “Worry Free!”. My creative juices started flowing and I took on the persona of someone who was a compulsive worrier and sent him a message, asking if his item could really help cure my condition of worrying like his description promised. He quickly responded to assure me that the “Worry Free!” description refers to the ready-to-use nature of the cage and that it, sadly, would not cure my condition. Cha-ching! It worked. My obsessive-compulsive tendencies were now channeled in a new direction – firing off crazy questions and seemingly far-fetched scenarios to eBay vendors concerning their items. Thus, Letters to eBay was born.
What was your method of operation in choosing which auctions to exploit?
Sometimes the auctions would come to me in a vision. Other times, like Yoda, I channeled the force. But seriously, there were basically two ways I would find the auctions and come up with questions. When I first started writing these letters I would type in key words in the eBay search engine and see what would come up. Then I would click on an item, read over the description, and let my imagination flow like the grand Missouri River. Other times I would think of a crazy back story and then find an auction that fit my idea. Both ways were equally effective. And remember kids, don't try this at home – someone could lose an eye.
O.k., seriously, how did you come up with these crazy questions and insane backstories?
They say authors write what they know. Well, many of these letters were inspired by real events in my life. In the Cat in the Hat Stuffed Animal letter I asked if it could easily light on fire after being doused with gasoline. In the years of our Lord 1987-1995 there was a New Years tradition where my friends and I would lather up a stuffed animal with gas, light it on fire, and pull it behind a sport utility vehicle. Video evidence does exist. I currently play catcher in a men's baseball league which inspired me to ask if the Vintage Bill Dicky glove was big enough to catch my son, Little Willy, as he's birthed into the world. My five-year-old nephew has a t-shirt from a sports camp he attended that listed ten “politically correct” camp rules. So, I asked the seller of a box of tennis balls how high they would bounce off a small child, since I had started my own youth sport camp in which we play a game called “Death Ball”. And finally, as a fifth-grade teacher (believe it or not I even have a real credential!) I query an eBay vendor who's selling a set of rubber stamps if she had a stamp with the word “loser” on it. I told her I was inspired by the book THE SCARLET LETTER and was to brand poorly behaved children with a mark upon their forehead. Who says life doesn't imitate art?
Did you encounter any obstacles along the way?
Even before I landed an agent I knew there would have to be some legal hoops to jump through if my book was to be legitimately published. After we sold the book I was hoping for an easy way to garner permissions from eBay sellers to reprint their auction listings and e-mails. But, much to my dismay, Warner informed me that I would need a legal form signed by each and every eBay member if I wanted to include their auction and response in the book. So basically the entire summer of 2006 was spent sending out address requests via eBay's message system (I didn't have any of their e-mail addresses), sending out the release forms, and then agonizingly wait by the mail box for the signed forms to return to me. All in all, 115 eBay vendors returned forms which included my favorite ones. I did have one lady accuse me of being a stalker though. I'm not kidding.
Which letters and responses are your favorite?
There are two that stand out to me because the responses are better than anything I could have dreamed up myself. I wrote this whole back story of how I was a professional bull rider and caught my girlfriend, Shelby-Rae, cheating on me with a carrot-topped rodeo clown named Sprinkles. The eBayer was selling an I Love You Locket and I wanted to know if a sledgehammer, crowbar, or a pick-ax would do the trick when I present it to Shelby-Rae and promptly smash it to smithereens. To begin her reply she stated that it would smash very well with a small sledgehammer and proceeded to tell me about her retired rodeo cowboy husband and her desire to run away with me “where rodeos and clowns don't exist.” How's that for irony? Another eBay listing sported some beautiful Purple Satin Appliqués. I stated that my wife and I were creating our daughter's prom dress from scratch and would love to purchase her Satin Appliqués but had a concern. I told her that as strict Presbyterians we were against Satin and his powers of evil didn't want anything having to do with Satin. A little play-on-words fun. A sweet reply came my way as she clearly stated that she would never have evil in her auction and growing up was told that Satan was not the one to put her trust in. I'm glad we cleared up that misunderstanding.
Are you planning on writing any more LETTERS TO EBAY?
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