How Does a Foster Child Feel?

You might find some useful information here:

Foster Club: the national network for youth in foster care

I suspect it differs from case to case tho.

This is not exactly the same, but I've worked with kids in orphanages. They are kind of like foster kids because they have a couple of workers who are paid to care for them. The main thing is attachment/trust issues, and this is at any age. Babies freak out when you hold them, toddlers won't look you in the eye, little kids ignore you, and the teens will only answer with one or two words. They can seem pretty unfriendly at first. It takes them a long time to get over this, but after a while if you're consistent they will decide to trust you. Even after that it is still difficult to touch them physically; that seems to be the big thing. With the toddlers and young kids, I could play with them and pick them up now and then, but they would go all stiff if you tried to hug them. And they would trust you in a particular environment, but if anything changed, like going downstairs or outside, they would get all scared and close up again. Very insecure.

Star said:

You're a genius Jo. You emphasized the "touch" issue and this can work in a pre-existing scene. You're da best.

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I always knew I was smart, but gosh...

No problem! PM me if you have any other questions I can help with.

You can check out some info at childrensaidsociety.org. You can get alot from the site. I am interning there as a therapist. The organization is great because it helps kids have a good home while providing all of their services.

Anything you want to know about the foster care system (especially in NJ) just ask.

My wife and I are Foster/Adopt parents of two brothers (now ages 5 and 4), who after a three and a half year trial, the judge finally released the biological parents of their rights last April and we are now free to adopt.

With our daughter, we can now start saying officialy that we are a family of five.

Safe to say that we have years of first hand experience of dealing with everything from the system, the courts, the stares, to the heartaches of taking the kids you love to bed every night for years wondering if it would be the last time you tucked them in..

We're foster parents also. We've had three kids, all babies. The one we have now is 18 months (we've had him since he was 3 months). Like Jo said, trust issues are big. In our training classes we heard a lot about abused kids who would go into foster homes, and not feel loved if they weren't being abused. They think it's a normal way to show love. It's so sad.

Another thing that might be there is REJECTION. This can be at different levels depends on each child. This goes hand in hand with the trust issue.

There are 3 main reactions to rejection.

1) Soak it up like a sponge- this leads to depression, and worst case wanting to kill them selves.
2) The "OK" mask. Every thing is OK. No problem but inside they are usually far from being anywhere near OK.
3) Fight the rejection. This leads to anger, violence and even murder.

A foster kids MAY feel some deep rejection but not know why - Depending on the age of foster/adoption. Even though they may not know what happened with their real parents, rejection often enters into a childs life.

Many kids ajust to be normal kids if the foster carers or adoptees are loving and supportive. This varies depending on the kid and situation. Some still battle with the feeling of not quite fitting in or they can't quite put their finger on it, for many years.

If you want to know more about rejection and how it affects people let me know. Here or PM me.

Kev.

My oldest boy would have some jealousy/attention issues whenever there was a direct conflict of attention between him and our daughter.

A for instance.

One night, our daughter picked the bedtime book to be read (and our foster boy knew that his turn would be the next night, but he wanted to pick that night anyway) and he would not pay attention to the book read and had a sulking look most of the time it was read.

But the worst was yet to come when a few days later, I found that book that my daughter picked with a page ripped out. This was his way of dealing with the lack (in his mind) of attention.

Also, there are plenty of times that when scolded or given a time out, he would wait until others were around and say "Are you angry at me? Are you going to hit me?" I have never laid a hand on him but he knows that that will get attention, especially if other people are within earshot.

Another example of this was food. He could eat a banquet and ten minutes later (when other people are around) he would yell out "I'm hungry!!!" This would happen if (I think) he was not getting much attention or wanted more.

Also, when he first got him, all he could say was no to every question asked.

Thankfully he is much better at these issues, but another thing I want to bring up is sibling order.

I can sense that there is something about an eldest child entering a home where he/she is now the middle child. It's tough enough to be the middle child, but worst when the child was a higher rank before being brought into this new home.

Terrifying.
I was a foster kid for all of a week. Not long enough for any experience?
Pffff. Here's how that week went:

I'm initiated by my foster 'sisters' by way of:

1) I'm to have the top bunk, but am not to go to top bunk if foster sister already in her bed; she feared I'd step on her. I spent 3 nights on the floor.

2) Shown secret stash of pot, bongs, and pipes. Warned that 1) if I tell, I'll be killed while I sleep, or poisoned, and (2) They'll say it's mine. I'm the newbie. I won't be believed. I was dumbfounded that people smoked plants. (I was soooo innocent back then)

3) Have to register in new school. City school. Downtown Los Angeles. This is NOT the preppy school I'm used to. I.AM.GOING.TO.DIE. I'm stared at. Shoulder-shoved. Spit on. Pushed down. Slapped. And all this before I even made it to the office.

4) My new chores consist of picking up dog poop throughout backyard....while attempting to not be mauled by said dog--he doesn't know me; hence, I'm a threat. They lock the door, point, and watch the show, laughing. Pitbulls are all teeth.

5) These are my foster sister's friends. I'm not to look at them. Speak to them. Be in the same room when they arrive to visit. I am the mud on the bottom of her shoe. Remain there, and I can keep breathing. She's here for attempting to smother her sister with a pillow while her sister slept.

6) No food is to be eaten without explicit premission from foster mother. If you eat ANYTHING without permission, you forfeit your right to eat the next meal. And you have kitchen/bathroom duty.


7) I am forbidden to have a ket to the house. Only when having been in residence for 6 months may I sign out a key. It's to be turned in each evening. A missing key means I sleep in the garage for 1 week.

8) I have the bathroom last in the morning. Translation: no bathroom time before school begins.

Monday morning, I went to court. I sat in a room with girls that looked at me like vampires leering at fresh blood. I was handed a pink box. It contained food. Best damned sandwich/apple/juice/cookie I've ever had in my life.
During court hearing, I was told to shut the hell up by my lawyer. I hadn't said a word. I was called several names by him while shuffling behind him down the loooooong corridor.
The judge, disgusted with my parents & seeing right through their scam, gave me the last laugh: I was emancipated (sp?).

Oh, sure, there are those that have had horrific nightmarish experiences in foster homes; but for this stupid white girl (at the time), that was one terrifying experience to be thrown in with strangers, cut throats (literally), druggies....and then court. I'd only ever seen court on television. And it was nowhere near the t.v. type court stuff of today. This was over 20 years ago. You know, when television was timid.

k

I am sorry inked of your experience and pray that no child ever has to go through that.

Star, I would like to mention something that may or may not be the case with your story, but bear with me anyway.

Although the general misconception is that foster parents are only doing it for the money and the money they get goes to buy a new Lexus and the kids suffer for it by sleeping in dirty clothes, eating scraps off the table and exposed to drugs, is just that-- a misconception tainted by the actions of the minority.

Yes. there are foster parents like that. But there are so many more that do it our of love and respect.

I hope that you do not put the foster care system in a bad light because it will only hurt the kids that need good homes, because people will not want to become foster parents if the misconceptions continue.

The top two problems with recruitment is that people do not want their neighbors thinking they are leeches and people think that the kids that come into thier homes will be trouble makers.

I for one would like to see it put in a positive light or at least show good ones and bad to put it in perspective.

foster care

i worked for 6 years in social welfare. did not work directly w/ foster care kids but have observed many. several of my friends do that kind of work. 3 huge mistakes that writers make when portraying social workers-

-1# they show them as uncaring. not the case. think about it--why would anyone go through the required 4 years of college to work a job with that much stress for no pay? social workers care--the system doesn't care.

#2-- (tv movie scene) loving family, a little poverty stricken but carrying on. mom is making up fried oats and lard sandwiches when bad old social workers invade the happy home and drag off the the appealingly ragmuffin children : not going to happen. regardless of what the movies tell you, kids don't get kidnapped by social workers. there are bulging case files on these parents before there is even primary contact. often the agency cannot defend itself in the media because of confidentiality.
always remember, kids love their parents. there is a bond there that is almost impossible to sever. the most abused kid will swear he had a great childhood. when a kid finally breaks with his parents and wants to be taken away--or runs away, something really terrible has happened. saying he is selfish, rebellious, or spoiled does not touch the problem.

#3 :natural parents who love their children are always better parents than foster parents. a real klinker as arguments go. some of the most abusive parents i have ever encountered loved their children . not a doubt of it. just not sanely. as we all know there is healthy romantic love and unhealthy romantic love i.e.- stalking as opposed to a forty year marriage. the same rule applies to parental love.
anyone who has ever had children with playmates has observed some unhealthy parenting on the parts of the playmates' parents. what is borderline and what is unhealthy is a hard call for anyone to make.

God help the person who has to make that call. He/ she needs your support, not your stereotyping--s6

Star said:

Wow, Inked.

I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. I hesitate to say, but you're kinda funny...and I guess you taught me something. My character can actually have a sense of humor when describing horror.

I really appreciate you sharing this.

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I've always had a warped sense of humor; life is what you make of it.
Drop the protective bar over your lap, put your hands in the air, and scream like mad....it's a rollercoaster ride!

Why do you think I became a writer? Me. In a cubicle. Corporate America.
Yeah. In the words of SpongeBob: Nevahh!

I have a friend that has 3 wonderful kids. They adopted 2 others saying she wanted to "improve" the life of 2 needy kids. She has since quit her job and moved to a lake home. (They were always complaing about money problems before which is why everyone was surprised they were adopting...)

Apparently, these kids have ADD or ADHD and are considered "special needs". I thought when you adopted - you didn't get money monthly like foster care - except for medical insurance. I was since informed otherwise. She now lives on the lake & puts the 2 kids in daycare from "8 a.m. - 6 p.m. 'cause thats as long as daycare is open" while her kids enjoy their summer on the lake. I moved a way a few months before this happened & I'm glad. I don't think I can look at her. Its not what I would have expected from her at all. We don't speak anymore - other issues. I really felt she was a wonderful person - I guess money can do strange things.

Anyway - sorry if its off topic - I've always wondered how the kids feel being added to a family only to be made outcasts again. Mindless venting again. Sorry.

Different states vary slightly, but there is a general guideline across the board regarding rates before and after adopting a special needs foster child.

My youngest of two foster brothers is special needs and severely handicapped. I mean very severe and will be for the rest of his life.

While we are foster parents, we get a higher rate than a non-special needs child, but less than double of a "non handicapped" child. So in essence I am getting less than the rate for three children although the work involved is much more than raising three healthy children. Much more. regular doctor visits, special equipment, not to mention the time involved in the day to day care (bathing and feeding takes four times longer than normal).

When our adoption is finalized, the non-special needs child loses everything except his medicaid and it will only be a supplement to whatever insurance we have, not in place of..

The special needs child will continue to have his medicaid (same rules as the other boy) and we will still receive a certain amount. This will be around 75% of his before adoption rate and that is only because he is severe-- you get less depending on the handicap. I know that here in NJ ADD types would get around %25.

When he turns 18, that is cut off and then Social Security Disability will pick up from there. Let me remind you that if you have a child by birth with special needs, Social Security would be covering it from day one-- so it's a wash.

I'll be up front. The money we get to raise two children (although paid at a rate of almost three) is not a lot. It is more than half less than I would make working full time at McDonalds. Much less... After we adopt, it will be a fraction of that.

When you take into account the cost of food, diapers, clothes (the clothing allowance DYFS gives is a joke and doesn't cover a pair of jeans per month), the wheel chair ramp we had to put in, the costs of extras you just don't think about, we end up putting money in ourselves and then some... And that is now while they are foster kids. If we do not plan accordingly now for the future, we will eat up our retirement savings and they will be for the worst as well as us.

I'm sorry you and your friend are no longer on terms, but you may not know all the facts. I certainly couldn't move to a lake house with what the state gives me. I could rent one for a week perhaps.

Your friend may have another reason for the move. Then again, she could be a leech and has found a way to make the state pay much more than needed. There is a red flag for the state. A person who wants five or more foster kids, is usually looking for a free ride. It takes that many before you start really seeing a profit, in most cases. Those people get scrutinized more frequently for any violations.

I am just going by my knowledge and understanding of NJ's rules. I could be wrong, but I do suspect the picture is not as black and white as you think.

PS. NJ is one of the higher rate states, next to California and Florida.

You sound awesome. Hats off to you. It takes special people to take on special needs children.

I have met a lot of kids that parents say they have ADD & so on. My brother was a roudy one growing up. Seems to me in this day & age he would have been put on meds and taken away everything that to me, gave him color. I don't know that - that is really special needs but I know there are different levels to everything and maybe it is serious..... I have asked people not to gossip about her to me - I just get sad for kids I don't know.

I hesitated even posting that message because I didn't want to come off like every foster parent is out for money. That is not the case. I know they are deep in debt - she carried on often. The turn around is incredible. My ventinting was for the disappointment in her lack of making them family. If she is doing well now, great, but she seems to have "taken the money and ran" so to speak.

I have often thought of fostering myself and wonder if I am that strong.

Hats off to anyone reading this that does - you have huge hearts!!

vent away.

I just want to make sure that anyone who stumbles upon this thread has all the different info-- good and bad.

Sure. There are people who take the money and buy stuff for themselves while the kids wear soiled diapers for days at a time, and that's all people think when they think of foster parents.

I just want to remind everyone there are people like me and my wife, who couldn't have kids of our own and are happy to take these kids in-- not to be like our children, but to BE our children.