Input on Query letter requested

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jpstewar

Greetings. I saw some interesting comments on query letters and so I thought I would ask if I could also get some feedback. At one point, this letter was longer with more detail about the story. But I started to get the idea that perhaps a pithier summary was what was called for. Maybe I've cut out too much, don't know. Anyway, comments welcome: (no publishing credentials to speak of, alas)


Dear {agent},

I am seeking representation for my novel, Parties of One, a first person coming-of-age story. The novel is 77,000 words and fully complete.

The year is 1974, the last gasp of what’s left of the ‘60’s. Joe Burton, a naïve and somewhat depressed 19 year old college dropout, relocates to his hometown of Philadelphia to live with his best friend, Chris Spencer. Anxious to create a new life for himself, he instead falls under the sway of pool halls, drugs and the notorious “reformed armed bank robber,” Jackie Todd. Torn by his desire to be his own man – and despite his father’s pleas to return to school - he drifts from job to job and flirts with the outside edge of the law. When Jackie’s old girlfriend Liz shows up, she sets off a chain reaction of events that will cause Joe to make the most important decision of his life.

What’s different about this story’s presentation is the alternation between younger Joe’s voice, which provides the narrative, and grown-up Joe’s voice, which comments on the story from an older perspective. As mature Joe says, “Someone once told me that nineteen years old is a dangerous age for a man. Dangerous because we haven’t yet figured out what it means to be adults and we’re trying on those ill-fitting suits for the first time. Dangerous because the only thing keeping us from pillaging the town is a thin veneer of civilization.”

I believe that this tale would appeal to those who might gain from reading about the struggles, the trials and tribulations of overcoming drug abuse and a bad environment. Given the time period, it might especially appeal to baby boomers. It’s also for anyone who enjoys what I hope is – despite its subject matter – a fun and sometimes exciting read.

I have been writing for almost ten years and have taken the equivalent of a 1st year MFA course under K. Davis in Cambridge, MA. During that time, I gave a reading of one chapter of this novel for a teacher/student group. I’ve also been involved in and run writers’ groups and recently completed a Writer’s Digest online course with Barbara Rogan.

I have included a synopsis and the first three chapters. A SASE is enclosed for your reply. Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to your response.
Sincerely,

JP Stewart
 

katdad

Okay, a few comments...

1- "fully complete" is tautology. just say "complete".

2- The first 2 paras are okay. They describe the basis of the book and why it's different. I would however delete the 3rd para, beginning "I believe...". This speculation isn't necessary and is too blue-sky.

3- The para describing your credits should be deleted. No agent cares if you've taken a writing class or if you've got up and read during show & tell. This looks amateurish. Sorry. Only list your actual publishing credits, outside of school. Real short stories or whatever that were in a real magazine. If you don't have them, just don't mention anything.

4- If you don't have the actual name of the agent, and only the agency, do NOT say "Dear sir/madam" or similar. Just put the address, omit the salutation line totally, and begin the letter body.

5- When you say you're including 3 chapters, I assume that you already know that the agency info is asking for the material. Check the agency listing carefully and only send the chapters if they ask for them up front.

A very brief synopsis (1-2 pages) is okay to include at any time, but don't overburden the agency with stuff they didn't ask for.

In summary, the book you describe isn't my cup of tea, but I'm not criticizing the book itself. The query is what you want to tweak. I think it's generally okay.

Good luck! And don't get discouraged. I set out with a New Years resolution last January to get an agent, and last month (November) I signed a representation contract. So it takes time -- keep trying.
 

maestrowork

I agree. Keep it simple and to the point. Cut out the extra verbiage (such as "fully completed"). Simply say, "XXX is a completed 72000-word contemporary novel."

Do NOT pigeonhole yourself. Don't say it's a "coming-of-age" story. Besides, there are tons of "coming-of-age" stories out there... it may give the agent a bad taste in his mouth.

Also agree that the "I believe" paragraph should go. The agent is not interested in hearing what you, the author, has to say how your ms. is different and better than others. They want to know if your story and characters are interesting and have market potentials.

I am not sure about the second paragraph. Again, it's only the author's opinion why this novel is different and better... I would rather use the second paragraph to expand on the story/plot/characters.

Expand your synopsis to include more specifics. Right now, it's so generic that I really don't see any "must-read" quality. I also don't know what "events" you are talking about. Every story has unique events... tell me what they are (but brief so that you can cover them in 2 paragraphs).

Cut your educational background. The one class you mentioned only makes you look amateur. Do you have any publications? Even local newspapers? If not, focus on the writer's group, etc. But cut out the sentence about "reading your chapter" at a group -- that's just so "amateur."

Or simply cut out the entire credential paragraph. If it's nothing remarkable or relevant, skip it.
 

Gala

title

There's a book by a known writer on the market,
Party of One. If you care about such things.

Good luck with the query; brevity is your best tool because the intern or whomever sees your letter has hundreds to scan. As with your novel, you want to hook them with the first sentence, and leave them hungry for more with the last.
 

reph

Re: title

"The last gasp of what's left of" is redundant, too. Such phrases may make the agent suspect that your novel will need considerable editing.

Does your novel need considerable editing?
 

jpstewar

Re: title

Does your novel need considerable editing?

That's a good question but I don't think so. I think I've polished my prose quite a bit more than the letter though I can see how one represents the other.

BTW, while doing some research, I came across Nicholas Sparks' home page and he posted his successful cover letter for The Notebook. He also has some notes about how he found an agent. I've not read any of his books but thought that some might find this of interest. If the URL comes out truncated, just to go Nicholassparks.com.

www.nicholassparks.com/Wr...Index.html
 

pianoman5

Caveat scriptor

brevity is your best tool because the intern or whomever sees your letter has hundreds to scan.

Gala has, rather depressingly, encapsulated the problem in a nutshell. Your magnum opus, over which you have slaved for countless nights/months/years and in which you have invested a significant proportion of your soul, may stand or fall according to the judgement of a 22-year-old erstwhile English-Lit major and James Joyce fanatic. Your dreams, hopes and aspirations depend on a person who is processing query letters and slush piles at the required productivity rate of a call-centre, but with inferior pay.

You get one shot at an agent, and (according to 'Query Writing for Dummies 101') three paragraphs with which to do it. Was there ever such a buyer's market?

The scriptwriter William Goldman has observed, "In Hollywood, nobody knows anything", a comment on the difficulty of knowing what will work, even among highly experienced operators. Which is why agents and producers are very keen these days on the 'high concept' script - a story that can be dramatically summarised and easily understood as a marketable proposition in a brief sentence - or even a fragment.

What luxury then, that as novelists we're entitled to a whole paragraph for our jacket blurb/logline equivalent with which to impress our putative, harassed 22-year-old reader who has as much as 6 months experience in the publishing industry.

Given this situation, I'm more inclined to bend the rules like Nicholas Sparks' example and 'sell' myself and my story unashamedly. It could be perceived as impudent by those youthful doyens of the publishing world, but it's more likely to get you noticed before you're rejected.
 

maestrowork

Re: Caveat scriptor

Don't forget though: luck plays a part here. Perhaps it won't be an erstwhile Englit major who screens your letter first.

Remember, too, that Nicholas Sparks landed in the slush pile until a green, totally inexperienced agent named Theresa Park saw it. She probably didn't know what the heck a query letter should like either, but the promise of a sweeping romantic story about undying love involving an Alzheimer patient got her attention.
 

pianoman5

Re: Caveat scriptor

Sure, he got lucky, the vital ingredient for success - but his query letter generated manuscript requests from 12 out of 25 agents, and a 48% hit rate ain't bad.
 

novelator

Re: Caveat scriptor

My two cents--

I don't want anyone to fall in love with my query and then have my novel fall short of expectations. I want them to read my work.

Were it me with the query in question here, I'd leave the opener--I'm seeking representation, then keep the next paragraph that describes the book, then dump the rest of it. Might mention I have a few credits, something along the line of my credits include (whatever they are), but nothing specific, then the close: thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you. Below your printed signature I'd put encl: and whatever you've included--synopsis, chapters, SASE, whatever the guidelines call for.

I believe my work should stand on its own. If it's good, it'll catch whoever reads it, be they a 22 year old intern or the agent themselves. Some agents still read for themselves and some don't. Either way, these people are busy. And where would you like them to spend the one minute they get to look at your presentation (if it's even a whole minute), on the query or the work itself? I know my answer.

Mari
 

Writing Again

One of the problems with a novel like this, and with the query as well, is that so much depends on how it is written.

By this I mean the story is not clear cut in the way a story with a visible opponent is. It sounds as though the immature protagonist is more or less drifting. Strongly plotted novels may not always be the best novels but I think they are an easier sell.

The mature protagonist comes very close to author intrusion. It may not in the actual writing, but it would appear a distinct possibility. Let us say it would be a trap that would be easy to fall into.

Remember that this is just speculation on may part as to how an agent or editor might think. Writing query letters for fiction is new to me.
 

maestrowork

I don't want anyone to fall in love with my query and then have my novel fall short of expectations. I want them to read my work.

Then I think you've written the wrong novel.

It's like saying, "I don't want people to fall in love with me and then have me fall short at the job interviews" or "I don't want people to fall in love with me with the personal ad, and then have me fall short of expectations on the first date."

Well, in a normal case, you still have to apply for the job first, then if they like your cover/resume, they'll call you in for an interview. You still have to entice the person enough that he/she will reply to your personal ad. It's called marketing.

You don't and shouldn't lie in your query; but by golly, do make it sound and look GOOD.

Seriously, the query is your marketing tool. You have, like you said, maybe one minute to hook the intern/agent/editor. Out of the hundreds of queries they receive each day, perhaps, how would yours stand out? Is the premise intriguing? Do the characters seem out of the ordinary? Is the writing style worth the pursuit? Is the writer professional sounding? You have to convey all that in your 1-page letter.

It's your business letter to invite an interview. You should dress it to the T. If they never ask for your ms, you will never get in the door, no matter how wonderful your novel is.

But no, your query should never be better than your novel. If that's the case, like I said, you've written the wrong novel.

As a writer who wants to get published, you need to learn the business. Publishing is a business, and you need to treat the whole process as business. I think many writers fail to realize that.

My first query letter (before I knew what I was doing) was pretty bad. Out of the 15 I sent out, I only got 1 (one!) bite. After I revised it (12 drafts later) and sent those out, my hit rate was SO MUCH better, averaging about 40-50%. Granted, I only targeted the agents who are looking for the genre I write.
 

jpstewar

One of the problems with a novel like this, and with the query as well, is that so much depends on how it is written.

You have hit the nail on the head. I have workshopped this novel and invariably people react to the query or plot outline with an "Eh, so what? It's been done." Then they read the chapters and react positively to the first person voice. So whatever "charm" or flavor the book has gets lost in the query or plot outline description. I'm thinking maybe I should start the query off with the first line and then go into a mini-synopsis from there. The first line is:

"My buddy Chris Spencer - longish, dirty-blond hair spilling over the collar of his gray work shirt - hunches over a mirror perched on his lap, pours white powder onto it from a small silver wrapper, grabs a razor and divvies it up into neat little lines."

I don't know if that's the done thing but the way I look at it, if I've got 10 seconds to grab some intern or editor's attention, maybe I can do that with the way the character speaks rather than some bloodless recitation.
 

maestrowork

Quoting your work might be a good idea, if you think it will draw attention to your ms. However, many agents are still looking for stories -- meaning, they want a unique take on a specific type of stories. OK, so they might look at a coming of age story, but it has to have an angle (think "Almost Famous" with the rock band, etc.) Writing styles may mean nothing to them unless they're convinced that your story and your characters have marketability. Again, agents are part of a business, they're looking for products that sell.

So vague descriptions such as "he must finds his way" or something like that means nothing to the agent. But specifics such as "he must finds his way after he kills his sexually abusive father" might mean something...

And not to be critical here, I think your opening line can be tightened a bit with a little more details. It's too run-on -- for example, the description of Chris Spencer sounds tagged on... I would suggest:

"My good buddy Chris! He hunches over a mirror perched on his lap, his long dirty-blond hair spilling over the collar of his gray janitor uniform. From a small silver wrapper, he pours the coke onto the mirror, grabs a razor and divvies the white stuff up into neat little lines."

I'd say "janitor" or whatever job he actually has, instead of just "work shirt." I'd say "coke" as the narrator probably already knows what it is... also it helps clarify what "it" is in the last sentence since you have four things there: the white powder, the silver wrapper, the mirror, and the razor.

Just a suggestion. :)
 

Gala

your query

Please, nobody take offense.

1. Don't EVER let other people tell you how to write your book. Never never never let them say, "you should write it like this." Especially strangers on the Internet. By how I mean what's been done above, where someone actually re-wrote your words.

2. And this is important: DO NOT put an exclamation point in your query!!! No no no. They will toss you immediately if they have a clue.

I'm not going to argue these two points with anyone but the original poster. Anyone else start another thread. She deserves all our attention to her query.

Good luck. I like the voice of your novel opening. I didn't study it beyond knowing it hooked me and I kept reading. Capture that in you query.

You're a good writer, and I have the feeling your already know my two points. Keep it up.

(I could indeed write a better query than a novel. Queris are non fiction business writing. Not the same animal at all.)
 

maestrowork

Re: your query

2. And this is important: DO NOT put an exclamation point in your query!!! No no no. They will toss you immediately if they have a clue.

I'm not trying to be argumentative here. But I think this advice is not accurate. If you write a fantastic query with a great story to sell, no sane agent is going to toss it out because it has an exclamation point.
 

Writing Again

Re: your query

Patience is also part of the game. Once known, once you have sold, once you have a good agent, etc., it will be easier to get your work read. The novel you write first does not have to be the novel you sell first.

You might consider writing the next novel as one easier to present therefore easier to sell.
 

jpstewar

Re: your query

She deserves all our attention to her query.

Actually, it's "he." :) Anyway, thanks for the input, all. No harm, no foul on any suggestions. I welcome it. I'll keep plugging away trying to improve the query letter, tighten up the writing, etc. I'll post if some miracle occurs and I get the attention of an agent, intern or whomever.
 

novelator

Maestrowork,

It's like saying, "I don't want people to fall in love with me and then have me fall short at the job interviews" or "I don't want people to fall in love with me with the personal ad, and then have me fall short of expectations on the first date."

Hey, this happens all the time, doesn't it? Someone turns in a great resume and then falls short at the interview. And personal ads? Come on now. They are forever selling something that isn't quite on par with reality.

I did have a lot more to say, but I have changed my mind about saying it. I apologize for any inconvenience.

Mari
 

maestrowork

I guess my point is not about reality. :) Sure, I have interviewed many people who looked great on paper but not up to snuff in person... or worse, people who interviewed well but not that great after they got the job. And don't even start with the personal ads. :lol And certainly there are great queries that lead to poor ms.

What I am saying though, is the mindset. You need to be confident about your own work to be able to sell it. And to sell it you need a good query. Like I said, I think, if you lie in your personal ads just to get dates, then you're bound to be disappointed (as will your date). If you make your query more exciting and riveting than your novel, then everyone will be disappointed. But if your novel IS exciting and riveting, you should make the query every bit as exciting and riveting. Don't hold back.

A poor query won't get your great ms anywhere. A great query would at least get your ms read -- the rest is up to your ms.
 
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