Here's Your Sign

JeanneTGC · Jun 10, 2007

In light of an incident today (that I'll get to in a moment), I wondered how many other people had "Bill Engvall" moments...those moments where you just WISH you had the "Stupid" sign with you so you could hand it out.

My example from today:

We are going to the movies, and have preordered our tickets. I go to the counter inside the theater and one of the 5 people behind the counter trots over. The other 4 look and clearly see that she is helping me. I pull out my wallet, she gives me my tickets, she is telling me to enjoy the show.

As I am putting my wallet AWAY and zipping up my purse, a younger gal, one of the 4 who had ALREADY looked over when I first arrived at the desk, came up and said, seriously and with a straight face, "Can I help you?"

The first gal and I just looked at each other. She turned to gal #2 and said, with evident disgust and confusion, "I just did."

I wanted to say, "Well, thank GOD you've come! Saying, 'thanks so much' to this other gal and her saying 'enjoy the show' was a clear indication that I needed instant help. Here's your sign."

Now, who else has one?

Cassiopeia · Jun 11, 2007

To help my cohort in crime here, let me explain for those of you who are unfamiliar with Bill, he has this theory, that all stupid people should be given signs to wear, then you wouldn't be asking them no questions, you'd just say, oh okay I see your sign.

So, I was on a trip to South Africa (one of my many) and I landed at the Johannesburg Airport. I was busy collecting my luggage to go to the domestic wing to catch my connecting flight and I phoned my (then fiance`)and said,

"Hi, just on my way to my next gate"

"Oh did you land? "

"No sweetheart, I am still on the plane and we are going to crash land at the gate!"

Here's your sign.

JeanneTGC · Jun 11, 2007

In ANY furniture store, at ANY time I've gone in, someone in sales always comes up and says, "Looking for furniture?"

I always want to say, "Nope. We're from out of town, trying to save money on hotels, and just figured we'd camp out here. Go fetch our bags, will you? Oh, and here's your sign."

Cassiopeia · Jun 11, 2007

Okay, here's one for me. *shows her sign*

I said to a friend about a month ago after we had just finished the Flash Fiction Challenge:

"So did you get any writing done today?"

"Uh der, did you read my FF?"

Here's your sign, Kim

dclary · Jun 11, 2007

I can't remember the one I wanted to use, but I get this one a lot...

Someone calls me on the HOUSE phone (as opposed to the cell)...

"Hey, are you home?"

"Um... yeah."

:|

dclary · Jun 11, 2007

My grandmother's birthday was May 5th.

My mother: "Oh, that's Cinco de Mayo. Does her birthday fall on Cinco de Mayo every year?"

Um... Yes, mother. It does.

Robert L.B. · Jun 11, 2007

"What are you doing"

"Writing."

"Are you busy?"

"......"

Bmwhtly · Jun 11, 2007

Arriving for work this morning, I walk into the building (On the ground floor - Naturally). I'm waiting for the lift, it arrives and the door opens. There's a guy inside who looks at me as I step in and says "Going up?"
"No, the centre of the earth and step on it."

Idiot.

Jaycinth · Jun 11, 2007

Islaitha Frost said:
"What are you doing"

"Writing."

"Are you busy?"

"......"

This is one of my favorites....then you substitute 'Reading' for writing...and you get a whole new crop of brainless wads....

MidnightMuse · Jun 11, 2007

My stepfather: Has your sister published her book yet?

Me: She's not publishing it, she's paying some service to print copies for her.

My stepfather: What's the difference?

You sign, sir.

Haggis · Jun 11, 2007

Jaycinth said:
This is one of my favorites....then you substitute 'Reading' for writing...and you get a whole new crop of brainless wads....

It seems as though every single time people see me reading a book, they feel compelled to talk to me.

Them: So. Reading a book?

Me: No. I'm shingling a freakin' row boat.

Them: Is it any good?

Me: Perhaps I'd be able to answer that if you'd stop interrupting me long enough for me to get into the story.

Them: I don't have time to read.

Me: I don't either, as long as PEOPLE KEEP INTERRUPTING ME.

Damn freaks!

Calla Lily · Jun 11, 2007

This happened to my dad. He owns a gas station.

He's leaning on A PUMP, nice day, enjoying the weather.

A blonde (sorry, but she was) pulls up to THE PUMP, rolls down the window, and asks:

"Is this a gas station?"

Dad said no. :roll:

She said, "Oh, dear. I really need to find a gas station. Do you know if there's one around here?"

Dad directed her down the street. Told me later that it wasn't worth the 15 bucks to explain. He's been dealing with people for 40 years and has less than no patience left...

Bmwhtly · Jun 11, 2007

This seems to happen quite a lot when you walk through Electrical Stores. There'll be someone standing admiring, say, a ludicrously big TV. A sales monkey'll walk past, the customer stops them "Excuse me, is this for sale?"

No, this is a house, they're just really Proud of their TV!

Here's your sign. Idiot!

Ol' Fashioned Girl · Jun 11, 2007

JeanneTGC said:
In ANY furniture store, at ANY time I've gone in, someone in sales always comes up and says, "Looking for furniture?"

I always want to say, "Nope. We're from out of town, trying to save money on hotels, and just figured we'd camp out here. Go fetch our bags, will you? Oh, and here's your sign."

You've been to Mathis Brothers, haven't you?

JeanneTGC · Jun 11, 2007

Ol' Fashioned Girl said:
You've been to Mathis Brothers, haven't you?

LOL! No, but it's any and every furniture store, any and every time I walk in. I should just carry signs with me and hand them out freely.

C.bronco · Jun 11, 2007

My sign is Slow Children At Play
but for me slow is an adjective, not a command.

Jaycinth · Jun 11, 2007

We should all get ourselves together and go into a store and find stupid clerks and ask them stupid questions to see if stupid increases exponentially.

Like I could go into the China Department at Nordstroms and ask about the China Department, and then when they try to tell me, I'll say:

"But don't you have a department for everything MADE in China? I don't want any of that cheap Norwegian stuff..."

Or find the only plate made in...uh...India and complain that they are trying to sell me unauthentic China...

I can think of a thousand stupid customer things to do....
If it is done on a Saturday, I could tie custoemr service up for hours...

Heeee heeee....Muaheeee Bwahee hee..
(hey...is that my EVIL coming back?????....here evie...here evie...come to momma....)

JeanneTGC · Jun 11, 2007

Jaycinth said:
Heeee heeee....Muaheeee Bwahee hee..
(hey...is that my EVIL coming back?????....here evie...here evie...come to momma....)

A Jay without evil is like a day without sunshine.

Or as we call it here -- night.

Ol' Fashioned Girl · Jun 11, 2007

I love the customers who call to say, "Why has my insurance been cancelled!?"

"Well... let's see here... yes. It's as I suspected! You haven't made a payment since July, 2005."

"That's no reason to cancel me! I got stopped and I got a ticket for not having any current verifications in my car! Do you have any idea what it's going to cost me!?! I'm going to Geico!"

Here's your sign, sir. Thanks for leaving.

JeanneTGC · Jun 11, 2007

This one is more along the lines of a "they are required to ask", but it still gets me, every time.

I am in line at either the supermarket or the big-red-bullseye store, and I have either one cartful, brimming over, or two cartfulls, brimming over.

The cleark looks at me and says in all seriousness, "Did you find everything you were looking for?"

I always want to say, "Nope, couldn't find a THING I wanted. I just dumped all this stuff into my cart so I'd look natural in the store. Here's your sign."

Cassiopeia · Jun 11, 2007

I love going to the doctor's office, well, not really but it always amuses me when I get the:

"Hmm, let's see here, your running a fever of 102 and the nurse says you have chills and you are nauseas. Any idea what might be wrong with you?"

"Why of course Doctor, you see I don't need that fancy medical degree of yours, I can tell you because last week when I was in, you wrote on my chart that this may or may not be viral and if I wasn't better in a week it would be bacterial and I was to come back. I'm not better so you were right, I really can have my antibiotics now."

Here's your sign

Ol' Fashioned Girl · Jun 11, 2007

Oh! Oh! Another grocery store one!

If you look up 'frumpy middle-aged woman with graying hair and sagging facial muscles', you'll see my picture.

Why, oh, Lord, why do they ask me for ID at WalMart when I pick up a six-pack of Heineken for Ol' Boy?

dobiwon · Jun 11, 2007

There's a pizza place (Little Caesar's, a chain) here that advertises "Hot and Ready--Large Pepperoni Pizza--$5". I was picking one up the other day when a customer came up and asked "How much is your $5 pizza?" Without a blink, the clerk answered "Two for $10".

Joe270 · Jun 11, 2007

I got one, from the drive to Texas. New Mexico, whew, the DOT there has some winners.

They have these signs, all through the state: "Do Not Drive on Shoulder".

Below them, they have these little arrow signs pointing to the shoulder. "Uh, the shoulder, this doo-hicky thingy right 'cheer."

New Mexico DOT, here's your sign.

Joe270 · Jun 11, 2007

I have one that has bothered me for years: why are there braille touch plates on drive-thru ATMs?

Here's Your Sign

I *am* Catwoman...and Gini Koch

Otherwise Occupied

I *am* Catwoman...and Gini Koch

Otherwise Occupied

Unabashed Mercenary

Unabashed Mercenary

Tao of Wonka

Yes, I'm back.

Your Cuddly Sociopathic

Midnight Reading

Evil, undead Chihuahua

On hiatus

Yes, I'm back.

Hand? What hand?

I *am* Catwoman...and Gini Koch

I have plans...

Your Cuddly Sociopathic

I *am* Catwoman...and Gini Koch

Hand? What hand?

I *am* Catwoman...and Gini Koch

Otherwise Occupied

Hand? What hand?

Planning to retire for the 5th time

I am Catwoman...and Gini Koch

I am Catwoman...and Gini Koch

I am Catwoman...and Gini Koch

I am Catwoman...and Gini Koch

I am Catwoman...and Gini Koch