Things to add to my "Probably Never Should Do That Again" list:

What about, if you're using a new soap and it really smells very nice, sniff the bar all you want, don't sniff the suds in your hands.

Soap stings very, very badly when it gets sucked up your snoot. A painful blonde moment on my part.

Kneeling on a biro is surprisingly shrieksome.

If, while you are slicing lemons, you inadvertantly slice a section out of your index finger, you shouldn't continue to slice.

dclary said:

Rubbing your eye with the same fingers that just shoveled a handful of Spicy Habernero Doritos into my piehole.

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One of my friends did this with an ACTUAL habenero. Except that he ate the pepper (he eats them whole, the freak) and it was DAYS later that he rubbed his eye and it burned so badly he had to wash out his eye and go to the doctor.

If the wine doesn't smell quite right, you probably shouldn't try drinking it. This happened to my husband, who is the official you in "I can't tell if this is bad, you try it". The wine was bad. He almost yakked.

He is no longer the taste tester.

Also, if you find something in the back of the fridge that's been there so long you don't remember what it is - don't open the container, just throw the whole thing out. Unless, of course, you want your house to stink for days.

(I know a guy who wiped with poison ivy once)

Never again shall I ride to school on a dog sled pulled by rabid giraffes.

I should probably let go of the leash when the dog (that outweighs me by several pounds) I'm walking decides to take off running.

(When I was six I was dragged along the sidewalk for about three houses by our giant labrador. I hung on to the leash because I was afraid I'd never catch him again.)

My teenage daughter borrowed my stick of Icy Hot, which looks like deoderant stick. Works great on sore muscles.

At 530 the next morning, in the dark, she discovered how it feels on the ol' armpits.

Never again will I rollerblade in the dark after two beers.

No, the human tongue can NOT reverse a closing elevator door.

JoeEkaitis said:

No, the human tongue can NOT reverse a closing elevator door.

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Do we even want to know?

Probably shouldn't visit in-laws again. Ever.

Should never again take a drink when someone is building up to a punchline.

Make sure Dad ISN'T in the room next time I say I'm going to tattoo "southbound traffic only" above my ass. That certainly was an awkward wedding rehearsal dinner after that...

Never EVER eat airline food again.

Never again give a cat pills, eye drops, or flea drops while wearing shorts, no matter how tightly said cat is wrapped in a towel.

I know one that Nichola should post: Never, ever give Lori any information about myself that could be used for blackmail purposes. EVER.

Oh, and since the "burning body parts with food" theme is going strong, here's one I'm posting on behalf of a sophomore in my 2nd year Spanish class several years ago:

1. I should not put an entire fresh Jalapeno in my mouth just because one of the girls did it without even breaking a sweat.

2. If I ignore #1, I should not take the advice of the senior next to me and drink milk, as it only makes it worse.

3. Likewise, I should also ignore the other student's advice to suck on a lemon even though he has me convinced that the acid in the lemon will counteract the "burning alkaline-ness" of the jalapeno.

4. In case I was retarded enough to fall for #3, I SHOULD take high school chemistry one more time.

5. No matter how hard 1-4 make me cry, DO NOT RUB MY EYES WITH MY FINGERS.

dclary said:

Pack down the cold sore with table salt. When that side of your face has gone numb with pain, rinse the salt with fresh-squeezed lemon juice.

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You are freaking crazy, man. Did you used to work for the VC? Next time try an Altoid and just keep it on your cold sore - it gets rid of 'em fast and doesn't hurt nearly as bad.

And in the spirit of the thread, if you need to sneeze while on the can, make sure you do it into a fresh square of t.p.

dclary said:

My back-tatt reads "No Entry: Severe Tire Damage"

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Niiiiiice. Hmmm...now I have to decide between the two. Thanks a LOT.

Or, I could put one on each cheek...

After downing most of a 26er of Southern Comfort, it is not advisable to use the palm of your left hand to see if the hot-plate is indeed hot.

Even if he's never done something similar, I'm sure III can attest to how un-fun it would be to spend the next evening sliding a seared palm up and down the back of a neck of a guitar.

dclary said:

My back-tatt reads "No Entry: Severe Tire Damage"

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Mine says "Exit Only".

Siddow said:

Mine says "Exit Only".

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I saw one that said "No deposit, no return."

Here add these to your list as well.


Always check for tp before you go to the bathroom.

Never put your finger in a baby's mouth who's teething and already has some teeth. *ouch*

Don't kiss a bird at the pet shop unless you really know them.

Don't spit gum out of your mouth on a windy day unless it's with the wind.

Don't wear shorts in the hot tub and sit right in front of a jet. No one really believes it was the jet that caused the extra bubbles.