Bring on the wine and valium

The kids are out of school today.

Stay tuned for who gets eaten and who survives the summer at the pool. It'll save me money on a water bill in the long run though. Bathing children sucks. All that screaming and soap in the eyes. (mom's little get back)


Anna's on a junk food binge. She wont eat anything that doesn't have a layer of frosting on it.

Faith's having a break down because of her body image. She's 7.

Asher's mouth is now in boot camp. He's on restriction and work detail till Friday. He's having a melt down because today's a half day and all his friends will be out celebrating the first day of freedom while he's scrubbing floors and putting away dishes. Poor baby. He said that he'd make me a deal. "I'll come home from school and change my mouth if you let me outside?"

Deal or no deal?


No Bingo!

I'm the worst mom on earth. And according to my kids "our summer is going to suck!" (my car doesn't run in hot weather) I told them we'll have to spend the summer at the pool. They blasted me. My kids never had it so good. I didn't have a pool growing up! Too bad.

Otter pops, Cheeto's and the pool . Sounds like a good summer to me. Maybe if they're good I'll throw in a movie here and there.



List of things to get at WalMart

rope
big, giant cooking pot (like the one on Bugs Bunny)
Otter Pops
Cheeto's
sun screen (2 factor) for bad children
(45 factor) for good children.
Lima beans (the big ones)
Mirrored sun glasses for me
Arbor Mist and Coors light
water
bread

dirty look repellent:

poster board (just be happy you don't have to take them home with you)
poster board (at least they make good birth control for your teens)


I'll keep you posted.

MidnightMuse said:

Martini Fridays at the end of every week: $50.00 after tipping

Vacationing to places other than Disneyland: $2000.00 annually

Sleeping in every weekend because you have no children: Priceless

Click to expand...

Oh, man. You suck. Dork.

Mysti said:

Honey, all I can say is Valerian Root! It's an herbal Valium!

Also, I would suggest pliers and duct tape to add to your list of "to gets" from walmart. Use the duct tape to tape them to the ceiling, which they are already bouncing off, and the pliers to pull out their toe nails slowly, very very slowly!

Click to expand...

Okay. I thought about the duct tape but I forgot about pliers.

Adding to list

Valerian Root 2 bottles. One for me, one for them. (I'll have to get floaties for the pool now, don't want anyone to drown on my shift).
Arm floaties
Duct tape
Pliers.

MidnightMuse said:

Can't you just go in to Wallyworld with the kids, and come out alone?

Click to expand...

That's what church is for.

cray said:

otter poops

Click to expand...

Mysti said:

Arm floaties only do so much good - their heads and faces still manage to fling forward, especially in a relaxed state. Perhaps a neck floatie would be better - and if they continue to run a muck, you can inflate them; slowly cutting off their air supply until they opt to behave, at which pint one could release a bit of the pressure.

**Looks around, thinking... I'm pretty sadistic today**

Click to expand...

Are you available for baby sitting?

mscelina said:

hmmm.....fortunately for me, my youngest just graduated high school. I gave her a week off (for indifferent behavior) and awakened her on Monday morning with the command, "No freeloading allowed. Go get a job, bum."

Just think. You have that left to look forward to.

Click to expand...

Niiiice. I've decided that when they turn 16 they have to get a job and contribute to the cost of living even if I do become a rich b-word. I had to!


I just did my last trip to kindergarten for the fourth year in a row. For those of you who are trying to do the math, my son did grade K twice. It's a short boring story, not because he was as dumb as a box of rocks.

I'm going to celebrate with a bottle of hair color (burgundy) and a buffet. Pictures will cost ya.

Mysti said:

Sure - would you like them to go through my torture camp or the naughty nanny camp? The choice is yours. The torture camp includes sleeping on sharp rocks, moving stones one at a time over a distance of ten miles in the scorching heat; allowing only one pint of water per ten mile distance. The Naughty Nanny camp will allow for good free time when their behavior allows, but upon naughty behavior, all privileges will be instantly revoked, throwing them into the torture camp.

Click to expand...

Naughty Nanny!

I'll visit them in T. Camp soon. I can feel it.

It's stinkin snowing here, in Reno. Strange weather. Yesterday it was hot then it rained all night and now I can see snowing a couple of miles from where I am.

davids said:

You might wanna sub this to reader's digest or some such mag-you do not realize that even as a dorkstress you have considerable talent in an area that is extremely hard to write about-at least in an amusing talented form such as this!!!!

Yah alright you might have to make it a tad longer-but if you can manage this in the style you have written-which is YOURS therefore honestly interestingly amusing-you might be surprised-I think I will have to open an agency-wonder if I could get any takers-I sure as hell could get some stuff sold-piss on it-nobody cares-why should I-but this is something-even as I said it may need length-not too much-that would definately find a home in one of those mag things!!!!

Click to expand...

I think someone would call Child Protective Serves on me thinking I was for real. But thanks for the suggestion, dork.

*kiss*

aspiringwriter said:

Valium and Oxycodone are your friends.. mix it with alcohol---MAN!!!

Click to expand...

Yea, then we'll put on Anna Nicole reruns.

czjaba said:

You mean, when they say 'Summer Vacation,' it actually means we have to bring them home? Why can't we just leave them at school? How much fun can my vacation be if I'm wiping snot every 30 minutes?

I have an idea for a real fun game. My daughters are young enough to still like to play hide and seek. Only this time I'll hide.

(psst...you think she'll notice the car missing, too?)

Click to expand...

~giggle~


I could never get away with that. I have to run to the bathroom and kick the cat in the face and lock the door and put the bathroom fan on to keep them out and drown out the noise from all the crying just to go to the bathroom.

We just came home from the buffet. We had a lovely toast with her chocolate milk and my ice tea. "To the last day of kindergarten".

Now let me tell you how to eat at a buffet. Skip all the girly salads and the baby food mashed potatoes, the noodles and the bread and butter, they're space fillers. Go for the gusto! Ribs soaked in your choice of B-B-Q sauce, 2 egg rolls, pork smothered in guacamole and sour cream, a juicy pot sticker, some fried shrimp and a tender piece of Braised Beef bone in and a couple of mushrooms on top. Then once you gobble that down go for another rib in pineapple sauce and a tasty chicken toqueteo topped with cheese, tomatoes and guacamole.

Before you roll yourself out of the joint, top it off with some of your child's ice cream, a key lime tart and a wedding cookie (yucky wedding cookie).

My girl had 2 sausage coins, a bite of chicken after she gobbled down the "squish" (skin, her favorite part). She ordered a chocolate milk but decided my iced tea tasted better especially when I'm drinking it. She then needed to trade with me because mine was better. She also had a fried shrimp out of a pile of 5 she grabbed and a mushroom soaked in beef sauce and topped it off with 6 olives. While on the hunt for something else she found a fortune cookie and 2 pieces of ham. She only ate one piece of ham and a half of fortune cookie.

For desert she had a cup of mini M&M's mixed with Reeses Pieces, ice cream and a chocolate chip cookie.

Her fortune, to start off summer vacation, read: Pain is not a bad thing; it is simply something one attempts to avoid.

An accident?

I think not.

Okay, loud and louder just walked through the door. Time for me to make my their chore list.

davids said:

I may suggest to fallen ears
those lobes deny their fancy flight
in perfect solded liteerayture
and pass the buck to other's dare


You know I am right-so hold yourself back-see who cares-rats and kerfuffles!

Reader's Digest is waiting-waiting-hoping-hoping-alright dorkstress-the crabapplester will shut-up-know when to take a dork hit-er hint!

Click to expand...

Okay, dork. Give me some suggestions. You're the second one.