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Penguin Queen
05-14-2007, 02:46 AM
Hot off the press, as it were. Fresh from the page of your notebook, the word processor, just out of the inkwell.

Let's see the the last words of what you've written today. :)


I'm about half-way through a fantasy-ish children's story.


It [the bird] regarded her without moving. It looked as though it hadn't opened its beak in hundreds and hundreds of years. Aysun carefully stroked the feathers on its back with one finger. The bird held perfectly still.
'Perhaps,' she said, 'I should give you something, before asking you to do something for me. What would you like? What would be a good thing for a bird of Rhiannon?'
The bird turned again with one of its abrupt movements, and looked at her out of its other eye.

Shady Lane
05-14-2007, 02:52 AM
This is such a cute idea. I've only written one word today, unfortunately, but I will post it here:


Wingman

Critiques are welcome ;)

Penguin Queen
05-14-2007, 02:52 AM
:D

blacbird
05-14-2007, 02:53 AM
Eggs
Milk
Bread, white
Bread, wheat
Corn Flakes
Rice Chex
dish soap, liquid
Ramen noodles, 10-12
cat litter

caw

scarletpeaches
05-14-2007, 02:55 AM
On your own head be it. Try not to vomit blood, y'all. :D


Age groups and proximity have nothing to do with getting on, Eleanor said to herself. I’m here to work. Not to make friends.

Lyxdeslic
05-14-2007, 03:14 AM
He stood and turned to survey the dying man inside the station-wagon one last time. Lachlan coughed, sending blood to spatter across the inside of the windshield; an indication the red fluid was beginning to seep its way into his lungs. It is done, Randall thought. He determined the man would be dead within five-minutes, and he was content in leaving him there to do just that.

Andre_Laurent
05-14-2007, 03:17 AM
The other one however, Charles would have a warrant issued for him right away. And when they brought him in, a little persuasion might make him spill his guts on his buddy.

scribbler1382
05-14-2007, 03:21 AM
Sucks, but what the hell...

Briggs realized they must have taken some wounded men back when they retreated, who shortly died -- only to return as an unthinkable horror. Being who they were, and trapped aboard the Barque, they tried to fight the monsters face-to-face, blow for blow. The result had been swift and final. Briggs felt his heart skip when he realized that the entire ship had been vanquished of everything living in only a matter of hours. Hundreds of men dead because they had been foolish enough to board his ship.

JoNightshade
05-14-2007, 03:23 AM
Okay now, how many variations on the original thread are we going to have, now? :) Oh heck, I can't resist. This is what I was writing at the moment I opened this thread:

Roger started to turn his chair and then hesitated. “Do you… want to come in?” he asked, almost experimentally. As if he didn’t quite know what etiquette demanded of the situation.

Ellie wrinkled her nose. “I’d better not. Sometimes she has visitors I’m not supposed to see. Actually, I’m not supposed to know there are visitors at all, but—I know.” She glanced at her watch. “Beside that, I’ll miss my bus if I don’t hurry.”

He nodded.

She put out a hand for the second time that afternoon, and he took it without any of his earlier hesitation. “It was nice talking to you,” she said, a little of the flush returning. “Wonderful, actually.”

Devil Ledbetter
05-14-2007, 03:59 AM
“Gonna barf.”

“No you’re not. You’ve got nothing left in there.”

His insides contracted violently and he wretched. She was right; only a demonic belch came forth.

“Why am I here?”

“I couldn’t think of a better spot for you to re-live all those Natties.”

Melanie Lane
05-14-2007, 04:13 AM
This is purty unedited, but bear with me...


A shrill bell rang in the distance. At the same time, all of the teachers rose and began to make their way towards their classrooms. Their break was over. It was time once again to teach and observe.

Puma
05-14-2007, 04:17 AM
My contribution. Puma

The Reverend pulled out of Hillside Manor, glad the ordeal was over. He really hated, no, maybe that was too strong a word, he really disliked (that was better) going out there to visit. It was always the same, The Four Horsemen with Death in the lead. Maybe the primitive cultures who took their old out to the hills to die by themselves had it right.

Jordygirl
05-14-2007, 04:25 AM
She wasn’t sure what to say, but was suddenly very aware of the hair twirling. She dropped her hand to her side and, even though she couldn’t see her face, knew she was blushing.

Yes, that's the entire paragraph. I welcome critiques. (Seriously.)

Shady Lane
05-14-2007, 04:32 AM
She wasn’t sure what to say, but was suddenly very aware of the hair twirling. She dropped her hand to her side and, even though she couldn’t see her face, knew she was blushing.

Yes, that's the entire paragraph. I welcome critiques. (Seriously.)


Well, obviously this a crit from the girl who posted one word, so take it for what it's worth.

Unless you've mentioned very very recently that she twirls her hair, I would replace " of the hair twirling" with "that she was twirling her hair." Otherwise it sounds to me like she's having some phantom hair-spinning problem.

I'd also cut "even though she couldn't see her face." It's over-explaining. Saying "she knew she was blushing" implies that she's able to tell she's blushing without seeing, and we basically assume she can't see her own face anyway.

My cent and a half.

Devil Ledbetter
05-14-2007, 04:34 AM
I'd also cut "even though she couldn't see her face." It's over-explaining. Saying "she knew she was blushing" implies that she's able to tell she's blushing without seeing, and we basically assume she can't see her own face anyway.She would feel the blushing, the heat in her cheeks, maybe her ears burning. Describe that sensation.

Raindrops
05-14-2007, 04:35 AM
Here it tis': ;)

Shelby slid her bloody hands down her pants and got up. It was a blessing that this happened after school. Otherwise, she’d never hear the end of the snickering.

Chumplet
05-14-2007, 04:36 AM
I'm adding a new beginning to my WIP. Here's what I banged out this morning:


"Did you hear about the museum robbery?" Agitation laced the other man's voice.

"Yes, I was on Las Ramblas when I heard the sirens and I'm on the scene right now."

"I suppose you heard they took The Weeping Woman."

"I heard."

"The media already blames us. We have to do something."

Zigor wondered what they could possibly do at this point to repair an already shredded reputation. He tucked the cell against his shoulder and lit another cigarette. "Do you know who did it?"

"I have an idea. Call the others. I think we have a plan."

Zigor disconnected and called another number. "Sendoa. Round up the others and meet me at Sukaldari. We have work to do."

Jordygirl
05-14-2007, 04:36 AM
Here it tis': ;)

Shelby slid her bloody hands down her pants and got up. It was a blessing that this happened after school. Otherwise, she’d never hear the end of the snickering.


Ewww.
But very descriptive sentence. Works well (of course I have no idea what your story is about), but good job.

scarletpeaches
05-14-2007, 04:39 AM
Is it just me or does that make it sound like someone sticks their hands in their own pants and then gets up?

Or is she wiping her hands on her trousers?

Raindrops
05-14-2007, 04:42 AM
Thank you, Jordy! :D This is a new short.

Raindrops
05-14-2007, 04:44 AM
I'm open for suggestions, Scarlet. :)

scarletpeaches
05-14-2007, 04:47 AM
It's just the thought of someone 'sliding their bloody hands down their pants'...;)

Chumplet
05-14-2007, 04:48 AM
...slid her bloodied hands along her pantlegs....?

scarletpeaches
05-14-2007, 04:49 AM
Wiped?

Raindrops
05-14-2007, 04:49 AM
Thank you for the feedback. It does sound much better. :D

swvaughn
05-14-2007, 05:06 AM
This is such a cute idea. I've only written one word today, unfortunately, but I will post it here:

Wingman.

Critiques are welcome ;)

I like it. But, ya know, you might not want to capitalize the W. And the period should definitely go. Maybe a space between the g and the m?

Now, I'm no expert, so take this feedback with a grain of salt. Or maybe a whole bucket...

:D

swvaughn
05-14-2007, 05:07 AM
And this is the last paragraph I wrote so far today. Today's not over yet, though, and I indend to write more paragraphs... :D

--------------

“Damn it, boy, I wouldn’t have killed him. I know the rules. I made the fucking rules.” Wolff’s hands clenched at his sides. “They aren’t my rules any more, though. Everything got away from me—and assholes like you only make it worse.”

Shady Lane
05-14-2007, 05:08 AM
I like it. But, ya know, you might not want to capitalize the W. And the period should definitely go. Maybe a space between the g and the m?

Now, I'm no expert, so take this feedback with a grain of salt. Or maybe a whole bucket...

:D

Crap. Back to the drawing board.

(Will you believe that I actually debated the capital W when I posted? I'm such a freak.)

blacbird
05-14-2007, 05:32 AM
Wiped?

Wope.

caw

OverTheHills&FarAway
05-14-2007, 06:24 AM
Reno swallow, loudly. He’s got the torn envelope in his hands, clutched, like a tissue he’s held for hours waiting for that one sneeze that never comes. I don’t know how much of this he understands. The words sound sinister enough. I’m done with the explanations.


My character is prone to long-winded metaphors and similes. Or maybe that's me?

ChaosTitan
05-14-2007, 06:52 AM
The WIP is now in Edit Mode, so I haven't written much today. I have taken down some notes on a potential new novel, so here is the sum of my writing today:


Joel is a college student, trying to ignore his cousin's ghost and get a degree.

Micah is a drop out who can't keep a job because he can see people "decompose" as they get closer and closer to their deaths.

Uncle Brady is....?

Shady Lane
05-14-2007, 07:00 AM
The WIP is now in Edit Mode, so I haven't written much today. I have taken down some notes on a potential new novel, so here is the sum of my writing today:

That thing with Micah is SUCH a great idea (and an awesome name, too. Unusual, but not like you made it up.)

ChaosTitan
05-14-2007, 07:16 AM
That thing with Micah is SUCH a great idea (and an awesome name, too. Unusual, but not like you made it up.)

Thanks, Shady Lane. I'm not sure where it's going from there, but I love the idea. Gruesome, but fun. :D

AnnieColleen
05-14-2007, 07:52 AM
Okay, here's my snippet.

I couldn't resist editing some, because I didn't like the hot-off-the-press version. But I would've done that anyhow as soon as I looked back at it!

"Not unseen." She stared at empty air, defenses gone. He could barely make out the words until she looked up, composed again. "Best you go before they return."

destinyksofsb
05-14-2007, 07:59 AM
ok newbie here and just so you know I have developed much tougher skin as I have allow people to read and critique my stories. This is part of a complete novel that I was recently told by some in the writing industry that I need to make the opening stronger. So I reworking this I have managed to get two paragraphs done today and this is the last one.

In even in Gavin’s post inebriated state he knew the moment someone was standing over him. Instantly waking and pinning the person to the floor his hand wrapped around her throat until the person under him could no longer breath. “Who are you?” He growled leaning harder as the person struggled kicking and clawing at his hands. Gavin first realized that asking a question was futile because he had cut off and means of communication, he dropped his hand and she started screaming. His next cognizant thought was that she was in a maid’s uniform; uttering an oath he rolled away. He saw Wilkinson throw open the door in time for the girl to run past him. “I was asleep,” was all he murmured, pushing himself to his feet.

Christy

Pike
05-14-2007, 04:51 PM
Man, there's been some wonderfully vile posts to this thread. I don't think I can do it justice but here to adding to the fun:

Carl froze. She couldn’t know, could she? After ten years of affairs did she finally pull her head out of her ass and notice that something was going on?

Pike

Stew21
05-14-2007, 07:24 PM
I'm at work. Interviewing candidates for a SQL DBA position we have available. Sorry this isn't more creative. It's my summary for my write-up on the candidate.


She is personable, seems to have a good work ethic, strong with standards/procedures/best practices, very much a “learner”. I liked Rene. A couple of the pre-qual questions were wrong but I don’t think she’d have any problem learning them. (in fact, she wrote down the things she didn’t know and was going to look them up right away.) Very thorough and clear communications skills.

Sassee
05-14-2007, 08:16 PM
Haven't written anything yet today... but here ya go, from my last creative moment:

(she's in a dorm, out in the stairwell/hallway)

~~ Mild language warning ~~


I jumped when the door opened behind me. Sid stepped out in black capris, black flip flops, and a black tank top that read “Angel of Death.” I thought I smelled soot but couldn’t be sure because it was very faint. She saw the bucket of bloody paper towels and raised an eyebrow.

“This isn’t what it looks like,” I said quickly.

“There are no words to describe what I’m thinking right now.” She saw my arm and frowned. “What the hell happened to your arm?”

“I found the rogue wolf.”

She dropped her bag and knelt down to examine the bite marks. “Kate, these look old. They’re scarred already.”

We looked at each other and shared a moment of understanding. Both of us realized what that meant.

She waved her hand at the floor. “Is that where the blood came from?”

“No. Well yes, it’s my blood, but I don’t remember coming inside and dripping all over the place.” I pushed the hair out of my face and sighed. “I was trying to clean it up before anyone noticed. The attack actually happened out front.”

“And nobody saw anything?”

I shrugged. “Guess not.”

“Fucking idiots.”

scarletpeaches
05-14-2007, 09:02 PM
I hit bang on 4k words with this paragraph - yay! :D


“Liar.” He laughed when she looked over her shoulder at him. “Later, I said.”

Clearly not convinced, she threw another pleasantry at him. “We must do this again sometime.”

“Maybe we will,” he said, and, watching her back as she left, he said to himself less cheerfully and more determined this time, “Maybe we will,” and he decided in that moment there would be no maybe about it.

Lady Esther
05-14-2007, 09:15 PM
I have written nothing today. I am now ashamed.

But on a brighter note: All of my classes ended today, so I can write my WIP again (without worrying about class paper and such). :D

Mr. E
05-14-2007, 11:25 PM
He stood and turned to survey the dying man inside the station-wagon one last time. Lachlan coughed, sending blood to spatter across the inside of the windshield; an indication the red fluid was beginning to seep its way into his lungs. It is done, Randall thought. He determined the man would be dead within five-minutes, and he was content in leaving him there to do just that.

Do you mind a little constructive criticism?

Devil Ledbetter
05-15-2007, 12:06 AM
I'll take the liberty, since taking liberties with Lyxie is what I like best. :D


He stood and turned to survey surveyed the dying man inside the station-wagon one last time. Lachlan coughed sending blood to spatter across the inside of and red spattered the windshield; an indication the red fluid it was beginning to seep its way blood was seeping into his lungs. It is done, Randall thought. He determined the man Lachlan would be dead within five-minutes. Randall and he was content in leaving to leave him there to do just that.

Or something to that effect. If it were me, after It is done I'd leave out "would be dead in five minutes," start a new paragraph and end with "Randall left him to die."

But that'd really be imposing my writing style on you. (As if I haven't enough already.)

Ms.Write
05-15-2007, 02:08 AM
OK, remember this is only first draft:

He gazed out the grime-specked window to the quiet street. A single jogger ambled by, a beach towel draped around his neck. Clay hadn't bothered with curtains or shades. That was a woman's job. Lura would have to make this place livable - after satisfying him, of course.

At the thought he smiled.

Hollan
05-15-2007, 04:37 AM
This is really hot off the press (as you say) and unedited. Gomen.

Then he noticed a flash of red and searched the crowd. A gentlemen in the back sat down. His mask was the face of a man, only it was painted red and had black horns like that of a goat. The chin was pointed into a black beard and the mouth was open as if it were screaming in great pain. But the boy took comfort. For he knew the face behind that mask. And he took a deep breath and watched Praxis watch him.
If the young man was right about him, the boy knew he’d find out soon enough.

Shady Lane
05-15-2007, 04:45 AM
From the brand spankin' new one.


The salesgirl scanned Sash’s spaghetti with an inhuman sloth, as if she hadn’t been listening to his entire conversation. As if she wouldn’t know an emergency if it bit her in the red-aproned ass.

She looked familiar.

Devil Ledbetter
05-15-2007, 04:49 AM
It's about 200 words long and I can still do whatever I want. No connection to any characters or plotlines, no idea where I'm going.
God, it's bliss.Oh, those were the days. I'm 75,000 into my second draft and tied to the tracks.

Lyxdeslic
05-15-2007, 04:51 AM
I'll take the liberty, since taking liberties with Lyxie is what I like best. :D

Or something to that effect. If it were me, after It is done I'd leave out "would be dead in five minutes," start a new paragraph and end with "Randall left him to die."

But that'd really be imposing my writing style on you. (As if I haven't enough already.)
Gheesh, give a guy a chance to edit, why don't ya'! :D

Dev, as per usual, your suggestions are dead-on-correct. I smell an awesome beta-reader to impose upon in the near future. :)

Lyx

Shady Lane
05-15-2007, 04:52 AM
Oh, those were the days. I'm 75,000 into my second draft and tied to the tracks.

Haha, I've been there, too. This is like a freaking game.

Rolling Thunder
05-15-2007, 04:53 AM
Current MG fantasy WIP. I've been struggling with the story a bit. I'm not feeling confident on where I'm going with it (Hey, I'm an outline guy. Sue me.). :D

Snitch seemed a bit nervous now, almost as if he was struggling to decide to answer or not. Finally, he said, “Cory has bright light. Monsters fear that bright light.”
“But you don’t seem to be afraid of me.”
“Snitch knows Cory different, not like others. Cory trap monsters there, monsters not trap Cory.”
The answer was an odd one to Cory. Why would anyone want to trap a monster inside his or her own mind? That didn’t make sense, unless there was some question he had missed.
“Are there Mages who want to trap monsters in their minds?”
“No. Not Mages. Others…”
“What others, Snitch?”
The bunny-cat monster’s eyes began to glisten as if he were about to cry. He wrung all four of his furry paws together and began to bite his lower lip to stop it from trembling so much.
Just as Cory thought Snitch was about to answer, the hinges on the attic door squeaked as it opened.

Lyxdeslic
05-15-2007, 05:01 AM
David understood. He, too, had been cut-off due to his perspective of the world. He pondered the irony: the lonely of the world were always the ones with little or no pretenses; in a world full of falsehoods and denial, there really was no place for realness and sincerity.

Lyx

Devil Ledbetter
05-15-2007, 05:02 AM
Gheesh, give a guy a chance to edit, why don't ya'! :D

Dev, as per usual, your suggestions are dead-on-correct. I smell an awesome beta-reader to impose upon in the near future. :)

LyxWe should swap. And yeah, I knew that was raw prose but I thought it would be fun to crit.

Devil Ledbetter
05-15-2007, 05:10 AM
“I’m being incredibly selfish,” she whispered. “Of course you should hold him.”


She cradled the baby to her chest and stood up, motioning for him to take her chair. The cushions were as warm as the bundle she laid in his arms. She was right; holding his sister’s newborn gave him a sense hope he’d never felt before.


There was one more Rafferty in the world, and maybe he wasn't doomed.


(That's a deliberately ambiguous "he" in the last sentence.)

Shady Lane
05-15-2007, 05:16 AM
(That's a deliberately ambiguous "he" in the last sentence.)


Ni-ice.

That's nice with two syllables. A triumph.

spacejock2
05-15-2007, 06:05 AM
A bit from Hal Spacejock 4. Actually, it's the very last thing I wrote yesterday:


"I know," said Bernie, with a sigh. "I've spent hours studying vids, but it's just not the same. I want to feel sunshine on my back. I want to smell a fresh breeze, feel the wind on my … on my …" The robot held up her hand and flexed her thick metal fingers. "I just want to see what it's like out there. You know, before they --"

"Bernie, you're doing a good job here."

"No I'm not. I can't even make you a proper coffee."

"You are! And I promise, if anything comes up while I'm away, you'll have full authority to investigate."

The robot looked at her, startled. "What, outside?"

"Not exactly. But you can have access to all the cameras, and several look onto some really nice gardens."

Bernie pressed her lips together with a noise like a car crusher doing its thing. "What if there's a real crime? Someone would have to investigate the scene."

"I suppose so," said Walsh unwillingly. "If I wasn't here, and if there was an actual crime."

"Excellent. I will just have to hope for a crime."

Walsh suddenly realised why the BNE models had been withdrawn from service. "You're not to initiate anything. Is that clear?"

Jordygirl
05-15-2007, 06:14 AM
I didn’t actually talk to Ben until the next week. And even then it was only because Mr. Lubzuk was driving us all to insanity making us watch a film on bacteria. So I’d been sitting in my desk, tapping my pencil against the edge of my desk and watching the clock.

Once again, critiques are welcomed. ;) :tongue ;) :)

Shady Lane
05-15-2007, 06:18 AM
I didn’t actually talk to Ben until the next week. And even then it was only because Mr. Lubzuk was driving us all to insanity making us watch a film on bacteria. So I’d been sitting in my desk, tapping my pencil against the edge of my desk and watching the clock.

Once again, critiques are welcomed. ;) :tongue ;) :)


"Driving us all to insanity" doesn't sound drastic enough to me. "Driving us all insane" is always an available, if cliche, option, but I like "driving us to suicide" if it's not too dark for you.

The two gerunds so close to each other ("driving us all to [whatever] making us watch") don't really work for me. I think at the very least you need 'BY making us watch."

I don't understand how this gives your MC an opportunity to talk to Ben, but I assume that's explained.

Keep up the good work. ;)

Jordygirl
05-15-2007, 06:34 AM
I don't understand how this gives your MC an opportunity to talk to Ben, but I assume that's explained.



Yeah, it's explained in the next paragraph. Thanks for the feedback, I'll have to change a few of the words around I see. :)

alaskamatt17
05-15-2007, 08:56 AM
I'm having way too much fun with these. Here's my last paragraph today from The Blight. I'll probably do some work later on tonight.

The grizzled man across from them leaned forward, rocking the chair up on two legs, steadying himself with heavy, boot-clad feet. "It doesn't matter. The Blight's not stupid. It'll take us when we're weak. And don't fool yourselves--there'll be times of weakness ahead. Take Miss Heinrich's display in the dining hall, for instance. It won't take much more than the mention of a dead relative to bring this sanctuary crumbling down. No offense, Kayley, we've all had our moments here. This place'll do it. Too much sorrow and fear out there in the dark barrens. Too much for anyone to stay sane."

Shady Lane
05-15-2007, 09:27 AM
Okay, this is REALLY the last thing I'm writing tonight.

Last paragraph of first chapter.


God. Sash placed an ice bag on his psychoactive thigh. Dima was half-conscious and only two weeks into this team, and here he was with everyone wrapped around his finger.
Sash squeezed his hand.

JoNightshade
05-15-2007, 09:30 AM
Okay, I have been slaving particularly hard today so I am going to indulge a little and post the last bit of the scene I just finished. (If I post any less it's not going to make sense.) So, sorry for the length. Now I am going to go play guitar hero and then go to bed!

Oh, and Shady-- I have been very much enjoying the bits and pieces of your new story.


Timothy’s eyes flickered over the parchment-white skin, noting as always the thin lines of scar tissue crisscrossing his forearms from wrist to elbow. But there was no red. He nodded and Owen rolled his sleeves back down.

“Sorry,” Timothy apologized. “I just had to make sure.”

“Of course, Tim. I understand.”

“Are you feeling better?”

“Yes, I suppose I am. And you?”

“I’ll survive. Actually, I think I’m gonna go check on Roger.”

“Well—good-night.”

“Good night, Owen.” Timothy’s hand was on the doorknob, relief poised to flood his system, when he paused. He didn’t know exactly what made him stop—perhaps it had been Owen’s confidence—but something just didn’t feel right. And as a doctor, he had learned to listen to his instincts. He turned around.

“Show me your legs,” he said.

Owen looked startled. “Tim, I don’t think—”

“Drop your pants, Owen.”

He fumbled with the zipper. The pants fell to his ankles.

Timothy shut his eyes. “Oh, God…”

Shady Lane
05-15-2007, 09:33 AM
Oh, Jo, this is SO good.

I don't really know what to say besides that it's intensely powerful, and you've captured the atmosphere of the scene perfectly in some careful, sparse words.

Nice work.

JoNightshade
05-15-2007, 10:06 AM
Oh, Jo, this is SO good.

I don't really know what to say besides that it's intensely powerful, and you've captured the atmosphere of the scene perfectly in some careful, sparse words.

Nice work.

Really?!?!?! (I need an interrobang...) Thanks so much!!! ::Blush:: I was working up to that scene all day and I was on the last three lines when my husband walked into the bedroom. I actually threw him out (poor guy) and I was all afraid my concentration had been ruined. But I guess it came out all right. :)

Okay, ACTUALLY going to bed now.

Zoombie
05-15-2007, 10:21 AM
Here it is:

As Schuart and Ricardo left...Kirk watched. He stood at his guard post, his face plate up and binoculars pressed to his eyes.

“Doctor Vanya....they're heading out.”

A pause as his radio squeaked in his ear.

“I understand.” Kirk flipped the face plate down and tapped his leg, his gloved fingers clicking against his armored thigh. Kirk turned his radio off and sighed.

“No choice, really.” He grabbed his sniper rifle. “No choice at all.”


Ooooooh, what will he do now?

The answer will SHOCK you!

alaskamatt17
05-16-2007, 07:58 AM
Here's my entry for today:


Scratching sounds echoed down the deep stairwell, given an eerie, hollow quality by the hardness of the stone.

JoNightshade
05-16-2007, 08:03 AM
Okay, I could use some help with this one. It's probably not the last thing I'll write, but it's the last scene I'll finish. I feel like my word choice and phrasing could be better, much tighter, but my brain refuses to see things any other way. Perhaps in the morning this will all come together. Nevertheless, maybe some of you can give me suggestions. Oh, and the "word that had almost been spoken" that Tim refers to is Roger nearly calling him "son."


“I have no evidence. Just a feeling.”

So he was standing guard. Ever vigilant, even when the hunt was long over. With something almost like nostalgia, Timothy cast his memory back to those first nights he had spent at the house, in what soon became “his” bed. He remembered Roger standing just inside the door, fully clothed, gun in hand. Watching. For a time, that presence—alert, all night—had been the only way Timothy felt safe when he closed his eyes.

But now, was Roger standing watch against some outer menace… or the demons within?

Thinking of the word that had almost been spoken, he forced himself to take the risk of putting a hand briefly on Roger’s shoulder.

“Well… good night.” And whispered as he slipped inside the door: “Dad.”

Shady Lane
05-16-2007, 10:20 PM
Haven't started today...here's the last bit I wrote yesterday.


He said, “Dmitri, I have my cell. Call if you need anything.” He closed his phone and shoved it into his pocket. Helmet, clutch out, upshift, signal, and turn onto the road.

God, it was so much better than the car.

Nakhlasmoke
05-16-2007, 10:59 PM
My goodness, there's some fun and nasty reading here. Why are writers sio into blood and pain. *grin*

K, here's mine. First draft, sorry.

Aiken took a deep breath. It was doubtful that Arnold would have been able to pinpoint a doorway with any accuracy, that would take more strength than a crippled fei could possibly have. The blasted fei could have opened one anywhere – could be anywhere – it was hopeless. He pulled his features back into place, and shaped the outline of a door in four quick slashes. Time to go talk to his master then. The Cole would know what to do next.

Scrawler
05-16-2007, 11:31 PM
Last line written: On Thursday night, my world imploded.

Penguin Queen
05-17-2007, 01:12 AM
^ That's a good one!


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


Aysun set her satchel down on her bed, and held her hand beside it. The bird eyed the satchel for a moment, then climbed down from her hand and on to the handle of the satchel, where it perched. It looked around itself: at the other bed with Nawroz on it, the scuffed wardrobe that their Dad had found in the street one day where somebody had chucked it out; the table from a car boot sale that was Nawroz' and Aysun's desk; the grey window. It looked at the window as though it understood about the colourless emptiness outside.
Aysun went into the kitchen.
'Hi Mum,' she said, and her mother looked round from the cooker and smiled at her. She didn't often smile, and to see her like this made Aysun feel happy. She went to hug her.

Tasmin21
05-17-2007, 03:22 AM
“Yanov!” Bellowing for his manservant sent him into another fit of coughing, and he quickly hid the pink stained handkerchief as the man appeared in the doorway. “I need ya ta deliver a few letters ta my cousins, then tell Cook ta plan for a large supper.”

Shady Lane
05-17-2007, 08:07 AM
My last bit before my trip...end of chapter 2, as well.


Sash retreated to his cubicle.

He removed his sport jacket and scrunched his sleeves to his elbows. And he got to filing. Fifteen uncomfortable minutes later, he gave in and undid the tie and finally felt able to breathe. Thirty minute, forty, forty-one, one and half...

Time slowed to an obvious pause, and Sash found this convenient. Now Dmitri could wait in his hospital bed indefinitely, ineffectively, and Sash could pretend that was okay.

A for archives, B for blogs, C for citations, and five hours leaked imperceptibly by...


See you guys when I get home!

alaskamatt17
05-17-2007, 10:09 AM
Nice, Shady. Maybe not easy to understand out of context but I like it.

Here's my last scene for the day, probably longer than the original poster of this thread had in mind, but I don't feel like finding a good place in the middle to cut it up:

Alone, she explained things to him more fully. They were walking down an unoccupied corridor toward the laboratory.
"We've identified four stages of the disease: the first, obviously, is contraction--the patient falls into a coma. They experience some sort of vivid dream or nightmare, and show no other symptoms. In Dale Heinrich, and most of the other patients, the next stage has involved increasing display of emotion, indicated by outbursts like those two men had, and by other things like heart rate, brainwave monitors (XXXX), et cetera. In the third stage, the patient's outbursts become more frequent and more violent--"


"Um, we just passed the lab."


Claire looked at him grimly. "We're not going to the lab. As I was saying, in the third stage, the patients undergo more violent emotional outbursts."


Greg nodded. He understood all this, he'd been aware of the disease's progression since Dale Heinrich's death.


"What are you getting at?" he asked.


Without answering, she swung open the double-hinged doors to the cafeteria. Greg's heart sunk.


On their mats, arrayed throughout the large room, the children writhed and moaned.


"Every child in Spruce Creek's kindergarten class has just entered stage three."


"What's stage four?" asked Greg, gulping because he feared he already knew the answer.


"Stage four? You handed the result of stage four to Aaron in a styrofoam cooler. Stage four is death."


Greg turned around and walked back out of the room. He couldn't be in there with all the dying, with the sick buzz of the fluorescent lights overhead. Denise hadn't progressed past the second stage yet. How long would that statement be true?

justpat
05-18-2007, 09:31 PM
My mother used to beat me and I didn’t know why. It was not your typical beating. Some kids are thrown over a knee and spanked, some are pummeled brutally across the face. I even heard of one kid who was beaten on the bottoms of his feet with a plastic pipe. I would have preferred any of those methods compared to what I got. Her beatings were not designed to be especially painful; they were meant to instill fear. My mother was an expert in terror.

BlueBadger
05-18-2007, 09:58 PM
This is such a cute idea. I've only written one word today, unfortunately, but I will post it here:



Critiques are welcome ;)

Captivating! When's it hitting the shelves? ;)

BlueBadger
05-18-2007, 10:00 PM
It suddenly dawned on Caillou that he wanted an Oreo cookie and a glass of milk more than anything else.

But isn't that what we all want, deep down inside?

Inky
05-18-2007, 10:24 PM
oky doky, but remember..ye' asked:

Broc held up his hand. “Do not begin your Christian diatribe, we’ve a priest you can discuss the issues with.”
King John became animated. “She’s a healer? My God, man, do you realize what she can do for the—“
“Emily won’t play God.”
“You mean, she desires to be selfish—“
Broc lunged, one-handedly squeezing the king’s throat. “I’ll no’ ‘ave ye’ talkin’ ‘bout mi’ wife in such a way, understand?”
John’s brow arched before he yanked out of Broc’s deadly hold. Rubbing his neck, he eyed the Scotsman warily. “How many of you is she married to?”
“She isn’t. Or wasn’t. Hell, mahn, she was mi’ wife thirty-six hundred years ago.”
“Ah. Princess Aurelia.”
“You know more than you ‘ave a right ta’.”
“It distracted me from assassins. You do realize you just attempted to kill the king of England?”
“Aye. Next time I’ll use mi’ sword. Less personal.”

swvaughn
05-18-2007, 10:32 PM
oky doky, but remember..ye' asked:

Broc held up his hand. “Do not begin your Christian diatribe, we’ve a priest you can discuss the issues with.”
King John became animated. “She’s a healer? My God, man, do you realize what she can do for the—“
“Emily won’t play God.”
“You mean, she desires to be selfish—“
Broc lunged, one-handedly squeezing the king’s throat. “I’ll no’ ‘ave ye’ talkin’ ‘bout mi’ wife in such a way, understand?”
John’s brow arched before he yanked out of Broc’s deadly hold. Rubbing his neck, he eyed the Scotsman warily. “How many of you is she married to?”
“She isn’t. Or wasn’t. Hell, mahn, she was mi’ wife thirty-six hundred years ago.”
“Ah. Princess Aurelia.”
“You know more than you ‘ave a right ta’.”
“It distracted me from assassins. You do realize you just attempted to kill the king of England?”
“Aye. Next time I’ll use mi’ sword. Less personal.”

Okay... I love this. :D

Inky
05-18-2007, 10:55 PM
Okay... I love this. :D
Oh mi' gosh. You made my day & gave me back my courage. Sounds lame, I know, but I've been really chewed up and spit out in some of the other 'serious' threads, so I normally only stick to the comedy sections where everyone remembers how to laugh.
I was very worried about posting this here--there's so much talent, I feel like I should hang my head & shut up. But the person who started it, I felt a bit more confident that it was simply what we just finished. No perfection needed.
Thanks, thanks, thanks. Yeah, I'm skipping around like a loon.

k

Jack Nog
05-18-2007, 10:59 PM
Written at 3am...sorry for bad grammar, spellings and all that. I tend to turn that crap off. *Language Below*






Dane moved over to the bin and looked down into it. He’s probably seen worse, thought Garzo. “Near as I can tell…it’s a fuc…damn pencil. Broken off.”
“A what?” said Garzo.
“A pencil. It was stabbed into the side of her neck,” Dane said again.
“What…”
Ceely spoke up then,”What he’s saying Ahmed, is that this isn’t an accident.”
Dane sized up Dr. Ceely before nodding at him and then returning his gaze to Dr. Garzo,”Yeah doc, I’d say you’ve got a murdered nurse on your hands. But like I said, we won’t know more until Forensics gets here.”
“Holy Shit,” said Mary Lou.

BlueBadger
05-18-2007, 11:05 PM
Oh mi' gosh. You made my day & gave me back my courage.

Haha, I know how you feel ... I like getting a nice word about my writing now and then. I haven't gotten any in a while from my beta readers, so I've been kind of listless lately. XD Not that I intend to let it stop me.

Inky
05-18-2007, 11:08 PM
No more worrying now-SW has great taste in writers and if the above is an example then you are off to a fine start-young lady-is young lady correct-well neither here nor there-I hate efforts to write in an accent but this did not bother me a witches tit-it rather put me down in the middle and I quite enjoyed it-congratulations and for Christ sake and yours-keep it up!!!!
You know...they've been trying to introduce you & I over at the Comedy Cabaret (there I go again, pimping Jaycinth's thread)....thanks, thanks...not just here, but for the laugh out loud posts you do throughout. This is from book II, or as my husband says: my 'lover', for I steal out of bed to write all hours of the night when ideas wake me from a dead sleep. ;)

Inky
05-18-2007, 11:11 PM
Haha, I know how you feel ... I like getting a nice word about my writing now and then. I haven't gotten any in a while from my beta readers, so I've been kind of listless lately. XD Not that I intend to let it stop me.

Pfff, I've had some great beta readers, but being military...they forever move away. And then you have to wait, and wait..because we writers are very wary with trust issues...you never know when our work will be stolen, and POOF!! Another J.K. Rowling is born...and there we are..in court...hehehhe...hey! It could happen.
Seriously, one can't just hand their work to anyone, so this thread was/is nice. Perfect.

ccarver30
05-18-2007, 11:16 PM
Here's mine from 18May2007. Not really a paragraph because it is dialogue, obviously.



“If you need anything, please…” Clay said, his face a stoic mask as he stood rigidly next to him.

swvaughn
05-18-2007, 11:50 PM
No more worrying now-SW has great taste in writers and if the above is an example then you are off to a fine start-young lady-is young lady correct-well neither here nor there-I hate efforts to write in an accent but this did not bother me a witches tit-it rather put me down in the middle and I quite enjoyed it-congratulations and for Christ sake and yours-keep it up!!!!

Listen to davids. He is sage and wise. :D (Sage in this case NOT meaning old... because he can't possibly be old! :))

Dave.C.Robinson
05-19-2007, 12:24 AM
Here you go:


I was eighteen when it happened. It sounds so simple put that way, more like a move than an upheaval. One moment I was a college freshman with a bright future in accounting, and the next I wasn't human.

That's the finish of what I wrote today.

alaskamatt17
05-19-2007, 01:11 AM
I like it, Dave.

janetbellinger
05-19-2007, 01:30 AM
I gently rocked the puppy back and forth in my arms, not knowing whether this was a good idea or not. The pup stopped whining and scrambled up from my lap to bury his nose in my neck, under my hair.
“I’m going to call you Jesse,” I said, giving him the name Mac and I had chosen for a son.
Jesse and I stayed snuggled like that on the sofa all night.
In the morning Mac was not a happy camper, but said nothing.
A new pattern had begun.

Gabion
05-19-2007, 01:49 AM
Rensen, his head singing from the kicking they were giving him, was aware when he was pulled upright and bound over the saddle of his horse and led deeper into the woods. His last conscious thought was to hope that Ambro would soon tire of the false trail and turn back.


Yes, so do we all, or our Hero may end up very dead!!!!

aadams73
05-19-2007, 03:02 AM
Again, real first-drafty.



"You want to know if she's dead or alive?"
I swallowed fetid air. "Yes."
Her hand snapped out and ripped a strand of hair from my head. Before I could yelp she shoved the hair into her mouth and chewed.
"So young," she muttered before swallowing. She turned away and went back to her tea. "Your mother lives. If you could call it that."
A light flickered inside me. "Where is she?"
"Where is she?" The goddess cackled. "WHERE is she? Stupid human. Your kind always ask the wrong questions. WHEN is she?"

jedimaster107
05-19-2007, 04:03 AM
i wrote this at work today. I get bored and take the telephone message pads, rip the back off and use the notes side to jot ideas idea. i wrote almost an eniter short story that way :tongue.

This is part of an idea i'm curently trying to develope. so if some of it doesn't make sense, that's why.




Zach and the group received information that the government had their hands on a teenager who’s mother predicted that her child would led a group of Dreamers to the Utopia land. Zach told his superiors this and was ordered to go in and get the teenager. The resistant feared if the government got their hands on the Utopia land, everything the Dreamers have been fighting for so long would be gone and the Utopia land would be destroyed.

Lilybiz
05-19-2007, 08:38 AM
These are fun. I like peeking into what everyone's doing. I had a good writing day (meaning, I got to put in a lot of time on my WIP). My last paragraph for the day is one sentence long:

When I could see again, I noticed I was still there.

Inky
05-19-2007, 09:25 AM
Here I go again and just to be supportive of you nice folks and this neat thread. A paragraph-the last one I wrote in the WIP that is!!

“Where the hell am I going to dump this terrible stinking garbage, where the hell, maybe I can just burn it, yes burn it that’s the way I think?” Tom Jameson walked, the cold that he was not used to was fumbling him, making him unaware of its’ deadly aims, treachery inherent in the soft cool wind that blew against his ever reddening face. The Saskatchewan loomed up alongside him, its’ banks suddenly beckoning, his desire to rid himself of the remnants of Toby Schreiner’s past, the ultimate disregarding of himself for the need to start anew with the child. He forgot the burning, turned to his friend and threw the garbage in its face. Unlike most others it bent to him and judged his actions not, accepting the refuse it flowed on, ignoring and loving it carried away the past.

oooooooh...I like the word-painting you did here! Last two sentences, very visual and made the water almost an entity, not just simply..well...water. I have to ask...and maybe I read this wrong or more into it...Toby and Tom...are they one and the same? Split personality?

Sean D. Schaffer
05-19-2007, 09:26 AM
From my present WIP (First Draft) -- the last three paragraphs because the last two are single sentences:


----



"Jeremy, my friend," he said, "you have already, with those words, taken a major step into understanding all you need to know. You have passed this test with the proverbial 'flying colors'."

Jeremy smiled, and continued to drink the chocolate.

"I'm glad I did something right today," he said.

Inky
05-19-2007, 09:29 AM
Again, real first-drafty.
Um...have you been having tea with Tsuki again? This was very visual, short, sweet, and to the point and enabled the reader to 'see' much without being wordy. I liked this.

Okay...when I check this, it doesn't have the original quote, so please don't think I'm being a wise a$$...there really was a quote in blue...hair being snatched...eaten by the goddess...where'd it go???

SpookyWriter
05-19-2007, 10:22 AM
Hannigan's Meadow:

“Come’on. Let’s go down the other way. I have someone I want you to meet.”

“Who?” Ryan said.

“I’ll tell you when get down the hill. She’s different. I think we can trust her.”

Megan followed them down the narrow trail to the corner of the gas station. She held on to Ryan’s waist part of the way to keep him from falling.

“I think I see her,” Megan said. "Oh my god. What has she got in her hand?"

Inky
05-19-2007, 11:06 AM
Hannigan's Meadow:

“Come’on. Let’s go down the other way. I have someone I want you to meet.”

“Who?” Ryan said.

“I’ll tell you when get down the hill. She’s different. I think we can trust her.”

Megan followed them down the narrow trail to the corner of the gas station. She held on to Ryan’s waist part of the way to keep him from falling.

“I think I see her,” Megan said. "Oh my god. What has she got in her hand?"

You know...you're like that really great guy...and the next day--gone! How can you leave me hanging like this--don't go there--sooooo...what comes next???!!!

Inky
05-19-2007, 11:07 AM
Here you go:



That's the finish of what I wrote today.
Okay...you've got MY attention...

aadams73
05-19-2007, 11:25 AM
Um...have you been having tea with Tsuki again? This was very visual, short, sweet, and to the point and enabled the reader to 'see' much without being wordy. I liked this.

Okay...when I check this, it doesn't have the original quote, so please don't think I'm being a wise a$$...there really was a quote in blue...hair being snatched...eaten by the goddess...where'd it go???

Thank you :)

Actually I put it in quotes myself to set it apart, so you didn't miss anything.

MattDempsey
05-19-2007, 05:13 PM
Tate waited for the rambling from the tug to tail off. “How did he hurt his head?”, Answer carefully now, if you touched that boy you're going down. Thirty four minutes. The time for talking was running out, already Tashi-Maru Station was growing in his forward display.

Sassee
05-19-2007, 05:41 PM
Written yesterday:


“Hey, Cole. What’d you find out?” Sid whispered. I could hear the words as clearly as if she were yelling them.

“They won’t wait much longer. Once the full moon is gone they’ll be here.”

Sid stamped her foot on the pavement. “Why? I told you yesterday, she’s not hurting anyone. Why do they have to stick their noses in everyone’s business?”

“Because she’s a threat, Sid.”

“Does she look like a threat to you?” she demanded, throwing her arm out to point at me.

janetbellinger
05-19-2007, 06:48 PM
It got my attention. Good one


Last line written: On Thursday night, my world imploded.

janetbellinger
05-19-2007, 06:53 PM
This is good but I am not sure whether Shelby slid her hands inside her pants or outside of them.


Here it tis': ;)

Shelby slid her bloody hands down her pants and got up. It was a blessing that this happened after school. Otherwise, she’d never hear the end of the snickering.

janetbellinger
05-19-2007, 08:33 PM
OK, remember this is only first draft:

He gazed out the grime-specked window to the quiet street. A single jogger ambled by, a beach towel draped around his neck. Clay hadn't bothered with curtains or shades. That was a woman's job. Lura would have to make this place livable - after satisfying him, of course.

At the thought he smiled.

This is well done. It clearly describes the setting and shows much of Clay's character.

janetbellinger
05-19-2007, 08:36 PM
I would just clarify the "he" in the first sentence. She could be motioning the baby to take a seat. lol. I like the way it shows tenderness in the male character.


(That's a deliberately ambiguous "he" in the last sentence.)

janetbellinger
05-19-2007, 08:40 PM
The only suggestion I have it to say which one of them dropped his pants. It isn't clear. Otherwise it's a very powerful passage.


Okay, I have been slaving particularly hard today so I am going to indulge a little and post the last bit of the scene I just finished. (If I post any less it's not going to make sense.) So, sorry for the length. Now I am going to go play guitar hero and then go to bed!

Oh, and Shady-- I have been very much enjoying the bits and pieces of your new story.

SpookyWriter
05-19-2007, 08:56 PM
You know...you're like that really great guy...and the next day--gone! How can you leave me hanging like this--don't go there--sooooo...what comes next???!!!I just finished this paragraph. Not edited of course.


-----

Ryan was the first to reach Jenny. He stopped a couple feet from her and held out his hand “Can I touch him?”

“Okay, but promise not to squeeze too hard.” Jenny said.

Ryan took the bullfrog by both hands. The plump green body fit neatly inside his palms. “Wow. He’s so heavy. Where’d you find him?” Ryan said.

“Over by the creek. The really big ones are further upstream.” Jenny said.
Megan stood behind Ryan and dared not touch him for fear the bullfrog would jump out of his hands. She didn’t like frogs or snakes. To her they were creepy and slimy. But Ryan was like a typical boy who couldn’t keep away from them.

The ImagiNation
05-19-2007, 11:05 PM
I haven't started my WIP yet. I'm still at the outline phase. But since I tend to go overboard with my outlines, I'll post a segment I just finished for it. It almost reads like a paragraph:

-----

“If you want to move ahead. Fine. But we are taking this thing by my watch. We talk when I say to talk. We move when I say to move. Got it?” Yes, everything was working out perfectly. These men probably thought of Jess as an item, a means to get what they wanted. They had no idea that Jess was playing them like a fiddle. “Now gentlemen…you may talk.”

Angelinity
05-19-2007, 11:09 PM
...yeah... long sentences... :poke:

'The vineyards would be stoked with tender, pea-sized grapes. Nourished by rain, sunlight and the mystical manna of the soil. She imagined herself a small grape swelling around its seeds, ripen under the prickly August sun, bursting under the skin, impatient to be recognized and savored by connoisseur lips for her unique flavor.'

Angelinity
05-19-2007, 11:12 PM
-----

“If you want to move ahead. Fine. But we are taking this thing by my watch. We talk when I say to talk. We move when I say to move. Got it?” Yes, everything was working out perfectly. These men probably thought of Jess as an item, a means to get what they wanted. They had no idea that Jess was playing them like a fiddle. “Now gentlemen…you may talk.”


methinks you don't need 'to' up there?

BlueBadger
05-19-2007, 11:55 PM
"Gothic Sports" retails for $9.99.

Yeah, today was all about writing reviews and catching up with work. ;)

Inky
05-20-2007, 12:14 AM
I just finished this paragraph. Not edited of course.


-----

Ryan was the first to reach Jenny. He stopped a couple feet from her and held out his hand “Can I touch him?”

“Okay, but promise not to squeeze too hard.” Jenny said.

Ryan took the bullfrog by both hands. The plump green body fit neatly inside his palms. “Wow. He’s so heavy. Where’d you find him?” Ryan said.

“Over by the creek. The really big ones are further upstream.” Jenny said.
Megan stood behind Ryan and dared not touch him for fear the bullfrog would jump out of his hands. She didn’t like frogs or snakes. To her they were creepy and slimy. But Ryan was like a typical boy who couldn’t keep away from them.

I can't help myself, and no, not trying to be funny, but the way you post throughout AW...I keep waiting for the other shoe...and wondering when I should throw my hands over my face...peeking from behind slightly parting fingers....I'm like an addict...I keep reading....and reading....and reading...no, wait..sounds more like that dastardly pink bunny, huh?
Your dialogue is natural, and the reactions flow easily, not jilted.

Sean D. Schaffer
05-21-2007, 10:33 AM
Yet, before pride could take hold of his heart, he looked back and quietly stepped out of the cavern, amidst people still trying to force their way back in.

I can come back at a later time, perhaps, he thought, and retrieve those treasures when the time is right. But for right now, this is not the time.

He walked back toward his dragon friend, and stood ready to close the doors back up.

.

BenPanced
05-21-2007, 11:58 PM
Working title: Say It

"I just haven't been able to get to know Kerry. He doesn't really let anybody in that quickly but I'm sure he's a nice guy. After all, Phillip likes..." Sean paused and corrected himself. "Phillip liked him."
"Yes, that's a ringing endorsement."
"Oh, now don't you start, too, Edward."
"Phillip and I have never really gotten along, Sean. It's always been a begrudging tolerance between us. You know that.

I've left Ed's quote open because he's going to say something else next. What, I'm not sure yet.

Bo Sullivan
05-22-2007, 04:27 AM
Here is the first paragraph of my manuscript set in 1692 London, the book is a true story, about the murder of Dr Andrew Clenche, murdered because he lent the woman, Mrs Vanwicke money:

Mrs Vanwicke who resided at Buckingham Court, near Charing Cross, looked across the Parlour at her two children who were sitting at the table waiting for their meal, and yet all she had to feed them on was bread and water. Her eyes were swollen and red from crying and she paced the room, raising her hand to her face intermittently and then running her fingers through her hair in despair of her situation. She placed the bread before them, giving them a plate each, containing one slice per child, and poured out the water into little cups. All the children could do was stare down at it. Her boy of ten was the first to complain and he cried, “I am so hungry mother and this will not fill me.” Her daughter of 8 was the next to speak and she said, “Why bread and water? Why not slices of delicious meat and some potatoes?” And then they both looked at each other and then back at her in a pitiful manner, after which her son poked at the bread and cried “This bread is stale mother.”

Sassee
05-22-2007, 08:21 PM
Decided to have fun and take one of my characters in a different direction yesterday... might keep it, might not :) Here's what I turned him into:


Nick and I circled each other warily. He was grotesque in his demon form. Long, curled horns protruded from his leathery skin, framing a face that was mostly made up of glowing red eyes and rotting yellow teeth. Ridges of coarse, spiky hair ran down from the back of his knobby head to the small of his back. From there a whip like tail thrashed about, its barbed end seeking flesh to pierce. His hands carried disproportionately large claws and his feet were cloven hooves. Blackened wings spread outwards from his back to maximize his bulk; sections of them looking ripped and burnt. All over his body the scarred, red flesh quivered and tightened as he moved around the imaginary circle. The stink of sulfur and decay was almost overwhelming.

Lots of purple-ness there but oh well. It was fun to write! (especially the fight scene that followed!)

Andre_Laurent
05-22-2007, 09:22 PM
When it was over, Margo, clearly displeased, said, “Clean yourself up, Saranna. It would be in your best interest to try to enjoy it. This is what you’ll be doing, every night, all night, for as long as I keep you. And I expect you to show the customers a good time. Learn to act, girl. You aren’t going to lay there and cry while they’re with you. Not if you want to eat.” She turned on her spiked heel and with Jeff and Bobby on her tail, and locked Saranna in her own little parcel of hell.

dub
05-22-2007, 10:24 PM
From WIP - The Professor's Chronicles


“Hey Shirley, what can I do for you?” Damn, why'd I say that?

ccarver30
05-22-2007, 11:59 PM
I just wanna say that when I see this thread I get sad cuz I haven't written in a few days (well, I wrote my synopsis and my submission letter but not any story junk.).

http://i166.photobucket.com/albums/u117/moontower07/banana.gif

Inky
05-23-2007, 12:15 AM
"Forgive him,” Emily started. “The smithy has yet to fix the espresso pot, and dear one here gets a bit edgy without his morning toxin.” She looked over her shoulder, up at her husband. “I keep telling you that Allen can bring you back a Starbucks. They make a killer iced caramel macchiato—“
Dezenial’s growl silenced her, though her beautiful smile eased John’s fear that this strange dark being with long pointed ears and hair glowing as brightly as a winter's moon would harm the most gorgeous woman he’d ever laid eyes upon.
"I hardly need a spirit to bring me back watered down concoctions when I can simply bite into your--"
“King John,” Broc said, stepping a bit closer to Dezenial, “this is Her Royal Highness, and High Queen, Lady Emily. And this,” Broc motioned with his head, “is The Dark Prince, son of Hades and Shadow.”
“Surely I would have heard of you--” John nodded, suddenly enlightened. “Of course. The hidden kingdom, Quemori.”
“How do you know of such things?” Emily asked, no longer amused.
But John's scrutiny now pierced Dezenial. “The Hades?”
“You’ve garnered enough information for now,” Dezenial growled. “Let us see how long it festers before you can no longer contain yourself, thus spewing our secrets, human.”
“To which you will remove my tongue, or slash my throat?”
Dezenial’s scowl intensified.
“Ah. You will call upon your demons to cart my soul off to the hellish underworld ruled by your father.”
“That would be if I’m feeling charitable.”

Stew21
05-23-2007, 12:57 AM
just a note to explain: Ernest is a ghost talking to my MC in the car:




**my MC can only see the ghost in mirrors: rearview mirror (as in this case), bathroom mirror, vanity, etc. I was unsure why for the longest time, and there is a running occurence of my MC who doesn't smoke suddenly taking up smoking. And the first appearance of the ghost also vanishes in smoke. I didn't know why really, but the ghost seemed to have the answer in this chapter. [grin] **

Death Wizard
05-23-2007, 04:51 AM
The wizard clambered up the wall that surrounded the frozen canyon. From the crest he could see far, despite the intruding darkness. To the east rose the gibbous moon amongst glittering stars; and to the north, multicolored bursts of light danced in the sky. Torg looked to and fro, scanning the canyon for any sign of movement. Then he smiled and let out a shout. Far below and to his right, a patch of ice was aglow.

Laylah!

Andre_Laurent
05-23-2007, 05:50 AM
Fun thread.

Vali tried to move and couldn’t, nor could he cry out for help. The man laughed. “Yes, I know you’re afraid. I can almost smell it on you. You should be afraid. I’m going to carve you up, and when I get tired of playing with you, I’ll cut your heart out.” He yanked Vali’s shirt open and exposed the thin torso. He placed the point of the blade on Vali’s skin and began cutting. Vali’s eyes widened as he lay helplessly while the man carved an elaborate, bloody design on his stomach. Tears leaked from Vali’s eyes. The pain was sharp, horrible. It went on and on.

formlit
05-23-2007, 06:01 AM
i like this thread.


“He did.” His energy had felt unpleasant, remembered Shawn. Not like Cahern’s thunderstorm energy, but like cold, thick mud. He had opened himself to it for only a moment, but it was enough to disgust him. “He was pleasant enough. Polite. But I didn’t like him. I am not sure I can tell you why.” Yes, he could, blood magic. Damian was tainted with blood magic, more so than the average wizard. But he could hardly say that out loud.

blacbird
05-23-2007, 09:06 AM
A little more than a paragraph, it being a stretch largely of dialogue:

“I speak very good the English,” she said. But she didn’t lower that rifle.
Then Dan Jack said something completely unintelligible to me.
She stared at him, and the rifle barrel slowly dropped toward the ground. She said something to him, he said something to her, all of it very singsongy and utterly indecipherable.
At which point she dropped the gun altogether, fell to her knees and began to sob.
Mademoiselle limped to her and knelt, wrapping a great arm around her, nearly enclosing the woman in her vastness.
“What in hell did you say?” I hissed at Dan Jack.
“I told her we would help her,” he replied, “in her language.”
“And that language is?”
“Swedish.”
I paused. Swedish. How in the name of Heaven did a “free Creole man of the fourth generation of Jacques’s to live in the finest city on the North American continent, New Orleans,” know how to speak Swedish? For that matter, as we now knew, Arabic, or Hindi?
“Is there any language you don’t speak?” I said.
He scratched his chin, and broke slowly out The Smile.
“Scottish,” he said. “I have never managed to master it.”

caw

JoNightshade
05-23-2007, 09:12 AM
I keep telling myself I need to post here at the end of the day but then I never get as far as I want to so then I don't. Okay, enough procrastinating! Here is the last thing I've written today:

Owen came out of the closet and closed it behind him. He handed Timothy a rag and a can of polish. “Then my answer is yes. Roger is paranoid. He has always been paranoid, and it has kept him alive. Whether his paranoia is justified in this case is another question altogether, one which I am not qualified to answer.”

alaskamatt17
05-23-2007, 01:50 PM
More writing from The Blight:

He forced down his dreams of Africa and watched the Sahara sand go tumbling away to the starlit horizon.


A gentle hand settled on his shoulder.


He looked over, hoping it was Kayley, but he shook off his smile when he met Jim Keller's gray-sky stare.


"Good job, there, son. But we got a long ways to go. Can you keep it under control?"


Tom nodded.


"Good." Jim Keller patted his shoulder again and pulled away.

Tom sighed.


A light breeze drifted through the company, ripe with the untamed scent of Africa.

allenparker
05-23-2007, 04:43 PM
>>>>>>>
I ambled along the sidewalk, making my way through the collection of surf shops, snack shacks and local teens preparing for a day at the beach. Growls and screams from my stomach erupted as I approached the Egg Shack. The few dollars crammed in the bills section of the wallet surely would be enough to quiet the drums beating in my belly.
A cute little girl of no more than sixteen brought me coffee and pancakes. Syrup dripped from my chin as I stuffed as much in my mouth as could fit. The coffee, black and sweet, warmed my body from the cold night air.

>>>>>

Sassee
05-23-2007, 06:26 PM
Productive day yesterday:


I made my way around the back of the dorm to the nearby street. If I remembered the news broadcast correctly the attack happened near the dilapidated building down by the stop light. It was a cluttered area with overgrown vegetation, a rusted trash bin, and a halfway collapsed wooden fence. The combination of monster bushes and dumpster shielded a lot of the view on one side of the building, making it a prime location to hide something. Like a body, for instance.

Bo Sullivan
05-23-2007, 06:27 PM
Here's mine for today:

Andrew Bowsell, the apprentice to Richard Tims Shoemaker, had risen early and worked in the workshop for his master all that day. Later in the evening he was asked to run an errand to Mr Parker at the Bull head Ale House in Leadenhall Street on fourth January between the hours of ten and eleven o clock in the evening. He had observed a coach standing against Leadenhall Market and heard the person in the coach say “Make haste” and that he had heard him talk of a Poulterers. He then watched the coachman make his way to the market and then saw two men get out of the coach. One man wore a black coat and the other flung a cloak over himself and he then saw the two men make their way through the market on the west side. One of the men had looked into the coach as they left it, and cried out “Damn him” and they then left the scene of murder.

Barbara

ccarver30
05-23-2007, 09:17 PM
More than a paragraph, but needed I think. :) Context!



What would Reece think when he found out she was to be married?
“You don’t know what you are saying, Diana.”
“Yes I do, Reece. I don’t want you to leave. I need you. I…”
“Don’t you dare say it. You are smitten with an older man that you have known your entire life. Don’t be preposterous. I am like a brother to you.” Was he trying to convince her, or himself? “I have to leave now, Diana. Please take care of yourself… and find someone good to take care of you…”
“Admiring your jewels already?” Callen slid his hand in hers, his face turning to worry. “Your hand is like ice! Are you alright, my love?”
Diana’s stomach contracted as she fought the nausea. “Can we please go? I suddenly feel ill.”

JoNightshade
05-23-2007, 10:11 PM
More than a paragraph, but needed I think. :) Context!

I'm suuuuch a sucker for young-woman-falls-in-love-with-older-man. Hooked.

dub
05-23-2007, 11:14 PM
I would have posted more of the conversation but the moderators probably would have bagged me. From the Professor's Chronicles chapter 4, about last third I suspect.


“Helen?” I panicked.

“Dr. Browne. Obviously, you are expecting another call. Please telephone me on the school phone when you get done whatever you have planned.”

Andre_Laurent
05-24-2007, 12:20 AM
One for today.

The ride to the processing center was an exercise in terror for Vali. As soon as they arrived, two men removed his cage from the van and the one called James opened the door and pulled his drugged body out of the enclosure. His eyes darted around the large cold room. The walls were lined with more cages, some empty and others filled with frightened looking creatures like himself. Most of them stared at him, or more accurately, at the blood that still dripped from him, and a few lay curled in their cages like whipped dogs. James stuffed him into an empty cage at the end of the row. He could feel their eyes on him. He was aware that the scent of his blood had their predator instincts screaming. He was down and helpless and they were hungry.

scarletpeaches
05-24-2007, 02:49 AM
“You’re so suspicious. And standoffish, that’s what you are. Jonathan and Craig think you don’t like them, did you know that?”

I'll be writing more later on this evening, though. ;)

Tasmin21
05-24-2007, 03:07 AM
From my newest bit of fiddling around:



I took hold of his wrist so I could get a good look, and ignored his meek attempt at a protest. The mark was there, burned stark and black into the skin. Some of the sigil I recognized, some of it I hadn’t seen before. That’s not to say that I can actually read the demon script, only that I’d encountered similar things before. They brand us, you know. Like cattle. Each one has their own particular sign.

janetbellinger
05-24-2007, 04:21 AM
My only suggestion is in the first sentence I would change either "closet" or "closed," as they sound alike and are very close together. Otherwise, it sounds good.


I keep telling myself I need to post here at the end of the day but then I never get as far as I want to so then I don't. Okay, enough procrastinating! Here is the last thing I've written today:

Owen came out of the closet and closed it behind him. He handed Timothy a rag and a can of polish. “Then my answer is yes. Roger is paranoid. He has always been paranoid, and it has kept him alive. Whether his paranoia is justified in this case is another question altogether, one which I am not qualified to answer.”

scarletpeaches
05-24-2007, 04:23 AM
And this is me done for the day. Less than 2k to do tomorrow, although goodness knows where I'll fit it in...*sigh*


“You’re early,” Fern said, not introducing the young man who stood at her side, the same young man with whom she had gone ‘shopping’ earlier in the week. “I was worried you wouldn’t come.”

sunna
05-24-2007, 05:02 AM
This is probably getting deleted tomorrow when I come to my senses, but for now I'm just glad I got something done today.



Idiot, she thought at herself, and wiped her face with her palms. Annan rolled off from her then and maneuvered until he sat at the edge of the bed, avoiding her eyes. After a moment he took one of her hands in his and pressed it to the point of pain. She glared, suspecting mockery or even cruelty, which she knew he was capable of - but his hand was shaking in hers, and after a moment this fact got though her resentment. Connected only by their tangled fingers they shivered together like two leaves in a storm.
He still wasn’t looking at her. Suddenly she very much hoped he wouldn’t.

job
05-24-2007, 05:06 AM
Leesee ...

She found herself guided into a chair. It was like when the pilot took the wheel in some tricky port – all sudden the ship went smooth and easy past the breakwater and up to the dock. Even a big, wallowing three-master'd go gliding in like a duck, not even a bump on the wharf, and you couldn't see how it happened. It was a magic or something, that pilots had.

Thomas White
05-24-2007, 05:14 AM
Ok, this is technically three paragraphs, but they're short and it's dialogue. Yeah, that's my excuse.


For the first time in about a week, Gishi laughed. “Kyu, meet your new horse – Poolots.”

Kyu eagerly greeted his dark chestnut coloured horse, and leapt up into the saddle. “That's a weird name.” he muttered absent mindedly, stroking his mane. “Why do they call him that?”

Gishi raised an eyebrow and shook his head. “No idea.” he replied, mounting his own horse too. When Kyu didn't respond, he trotted closer, and with a slightest hint of a grin, asked quietly: “Can you smell something?”

janetbellinger
05-24-2007, 07:53 PM
In the first line, I suggest taking out "at herself." I could be wrong but I don't think you can think at yourself. It would just be "she thought."


This is probably getting deleted tomorrow when I come to my senses, but for now I'm just glad I got something done today.

Andre_Laurent
05-24-2007, 09:18 PM
They followed the driveway to a tall fence, a guard’s booth and an impressive set of gates. “Come on,” Luc said, “we can climb it. It isn’t too tall for us.” He started forward and Julian grabbed his arm, bringing him up short. “What the hell?” Luc said.
“You don’t really believe it could be that easy, do you?” He picked up a stick and threw it at the fence. The electric snap at the contact told him all he needed to know. “It’s hot,” Julian said. “Probably enough juice on that to cook us.”
“Fuck,” Luc hissed.”
“Come on, just act like we have every right to be here.” Julian walked boldly up to the guard house and an older man poked his head out the window. “Can you tell me where the stable is located?” Julian said. “They told us we can take horses on the hunt, and I’d like to see the available animals.”
“Oh sure,” the guard said and stepped out of his shelter to give them directions. It was the last thing he ever did.

JoNightshade
05-24-2007, 10:27 PM
Here's my entry for yesterday/today. You know, this is actually very motivating. It makes me want to reach a "good stopping point" so I can post something cool. :)


Timothy watched his companion wet the cloth with grey polish and spread it over a spoon. Inside, he was screaming and shouting. But on the outside, he was just numb. “You’re not ghosts,” he managed finally.

Owen didn’t even pause. He finished coating the first utensil and started on the second, his fingers working in short, precise motions. “Aren’t we? Certainly we are dead to the world.” A third spoon found its way into his hands.

“Not to me,” Timothy said. Not to me!

The pale man glanced up, giving Timothy an affectionate smile. “Of course not, dear boy. Why do you think we are still here?”

Timothy couldn’t swallow that sentence whole. It just wouldn’t go down.

Inky
05-24-2007, 11:11 PM
Dezenial pushed from the wall he lazed against. “If you are to take my daughter as your life-mate, we have much to discuss. . .Elf.” In another life, Aunsgar would have found himself writhing from torture for daring touch his daughter. Dezenial reminded himself they were allies now; remembered, for Emily’s sake, not to decapitate the Elf Prince.
“You will discuss it with me as well.”
Dezenial's expression flatlined. “Never demand of me. Daughter you may be, but a stranger just the same. Until you understand who I am, do not speak unless you are positive consequences are to your ability.”
Aunsgar stepped in front of her. “She is as Emily once was.”
“And as Emily, she will learn to respect my authority.”
“I am sorry she took your children when she vanished,” Kit said. “I didn’t ask to be brought here. I especially didn’t ask to be born into whatever nightmare you and some woman created. Don’t take secrets existing beyond my control out on me.” Ignoring deadly gaze of her newly found sire, she moved past Aunsgar, patting his arm like an afterthought. “Nice kiss. We’ll have to do it again sometime.”
“I wouldn’t suggest it.”
Kit halted. “Or what? I get a spanking, daddy? You haven’t been my father for twenty-three years, don’t start now.”
Dezenial’s eyes erupted to glowing red orbs. “You will find, daughter, drinking of his blood and not understanding what you are doing will put you in possession of his soul. It is not a gift to be entrusted with if you have no regard for anything beyond your own emotional indulgence.”
“What?” Kit and Aunsgar chorused.
“Have your attention now, do I?”

AJ Clare
05-25-2007, 04:33 AM
Yvonne frowned.

“The Virgin Mary,” Camilla explained. “The original Teen Mother with the wrong guy’s name on the birth certificate.”

“They never mentioned that in Sunday School,” said Yvonne. “Still, Caynyn, Cannon, Cayenne…isn’t that a kind of pepper? What a name for a child. He’s going to have to live with that for the rest of his life, poor little bugger.”

“A rose by any other name,” said Camilla, as a curtain twitched back and offered a glimpse of Caynyn suckling greedily at his mother’s breast. She no longer looked terrified. She looked as beatific as any brand new mother. “I think he’ll be alright. He can always change his name if he hates it that much. Right, that’s me done for tonight.”

Danger Jane
05-25-2007, 05:28 AM
Danny takes a piece of my orange.

Yes of course it's a sexual innuendo.

To be more complete:

My fingers work the orange to separate the peel from the fruit. Today I will peel it off in one piece. I did last week too. I turn the orange and the peel almost rips in two and now it's off and I push it into a sphere of its own. Mandy claps. Danny comes up behind me as I section the orange in two and then in four and into al the sections and I press them to check for seeds. When I find a seed in my mouth I gag.

Danny takes a piece of my orange.

alaskamatt17
05-25-2007, 10:34 AM
From The Blight:



They started out in the mist, dark and silent and not noticeable to anyone but him. Oh yes, this was good. He focused his energy on imagining the smooth chrome detailing, the slick black bodies unblemished by weather, but perhaps touched up in places where lead had altered the paint jobs. Out of the sides, polished metal horns flared open and flourished to the back, pouring out gouts of wicked blue flame. It was so bizarre, seeing them coming from miles off, knowing those engines were roaring but that he wouldn't hear them until five seconds after the cars arrived. About the same time the suicide doors swung open.

glassquill
05-25-2007, 12:59 PM
Taken from the rough draft of my current WIP, Skin and Bones.


Sprawled in a large chair, Aleanna looked more relaxed than he had ever seen her. Both legs were draped over one arm; one leg beating time to the song she was humming. A pale arm lounged on the carved back of the chair and she tapped a bleached fingerbone against the corner of her mouth as she stared at the neat pyramid of bones on the table in front of her.

Inky
05-25-2007, 01:05 PM
Taken from the rough draft of my current WIP, Skin and Bones.


Sprawled in a large chair, Aleanna looked more relaxed than he had ever seen her. Both legs were draped over one arm; one leg beating time to the song she was humming. A pale arm lounged on the carved back of the chair and she tapped a bleached fingerbone against the corner of her mouth as she stared at the neat pyramid of bones on the table in front of her.

Alright....you have my attention.

glassquill
05-25-2007, 01:25 PM
Thanks for the comment, inked. :) I enjoy reading the snippets that you've posted.

I do worry about this WIP because this character doesn't come across as being particularly likeable. Definately not someone you'd want for a friend. :D So, I'm trying to compensate by making her interesting instead.

JJ Cooper
05-25-2007, 01:49 PM
Had a bit of fun with this one today from my WIP.

It took him just over six minutes to make it back to his room. He never locked his door – he was on a secure Army base. Jay figured that if you can’t trust fellow soldiers, who can you trust. With a flick of a light switch, the trust vanished. Laptop gone. Television and stereo wrestled for space on the floor with his collection of Robert Ludlum novels. The Lee Child novels remained on the bookshelf. He guessed that whoever trashed his room wasn’t a fan; or maybe they were. He moved to the fridge beside his bed and withdrew a can of scotch and dry, gulping half with one swig.

JJ

Varthikes
05-26-2007, 01:51 AM
From a short story called, "Two Worlds":


After an hour, Audwin was still on the stone wall, waiting for his family to arrive. He was not actually fully aware of the passage of an hour. Ten minutes into the hour, Audwin lied down on the wall and stretched out his back and looked up at the clear blue sky. Every now and then, a bird would fly overhead. Audwin, for entertainment, imagined seeing, instead of a bird, a dragon—or a fire-lizard. Audwin smiled at the thought. Then, his mind became occupied by the fictional world he had recently discovered where Humans and dragons lived in a symbiotic relationship. He thought about the main character of the story—Menolly. What an amazing character she was! Her attitude upon seeing those fire-lizards for the first time nicely mirrored how his would have been had he been in that situation. He thought about the struggle she had to go through with her father—what an easy person to hate.

His mind went on like that for sometime. Then, his thoughts became blurred as he drifted toward sleep. When he drifted back into consciousness, he looked at his chronometer and discovered then that an hour had passed. He sat up and looked around the area, but did not find his family on any of the benches.

Okay. That's actually two paragraphs. But, to understand the second, one must read the first.

scribbler1382
05-26-2007, 03:19 AM
It's actually two paragraphs, but since the very last one is only a couple words, indulge me. :D


"Yes!" Briggs said. The light revealed what he'd been praying for -- two giant waterspouts dancing on the edge of the storm, like guards protecting the devastating storm that had spawned them. But the light wasn't from lightning and it seemed to come from behind him. Briggs looked back and saw the pirate ship fully engulfed in flames in the distance, explosions shooting up into the night. Boukman had beat his demons.

Now it was his turn.

Andre_Laurent
05-26-2007, 06:26 AM
Tommy sprang up in bed, a look of surprise plastered on his face. Then he grinned. It wasn’t what Julian expected. He hissed in rage and flung himself at Tommy, snatching the front of his t-shirt and hauling him up until they were eye to eye. “Where is she?” Julian growled. “You’re going to tell me where she is or so help me God, I’m going to dismember you an inch at a time.”

Tommy laughed. “Go to hell, Julian. You’re not going to do a damn thing to me.”

sunna
05-26-2007, 07:21 AM
more like 3 paragraphs, but it's just not as funny (I hope, anyway) without the last part.



"What? Why, when it turns out I was right? My only mistake was that I didn't include myself in this estimation - or father, or any of the rest of our kith and kin. We're all changelings. Admit it," he demanded, grinning when she glanced away in tacit admission of a point. "I was more right than even I suspected. But, alas, no one listened. All those long years, I was the lone voice of reason…"
"A tragedy," she said flatly. "And here all this time we had assumed that your unfathomable love for the sound of your lone voice was the reason. How ever will I live with myself?"
"The same way the rest of us do, sister, one wretched day at a time."

DamaNegra
05-26-2007, 07:24 AM
The visits to the prisoners always left her depressed. She wished her fellow dreamweavers would hurry and find a more effective way of communicating, because every time they wanted to send a message to her someone had to learn the message and then get captured by the soldiers. That meant that the messenger was killed, because there was no hope of escaping the high-security military complex. Getting the messages out was even harder, but Zelda always managed it.

This is a depressingly rough first draft. I'm just interested in getting the story into the page, so it sucks big time.

Inky
05-26-2007, 11:49 AM
Thanks for the comment, inked. :) I enjoy reading the snippets that you've posted.

I do worry about this WIP because this character doesn't come across as being particularly likeable. Definately not someone you'd want for a friend. :D So, I'm trying to compensate by making her interesting instead.

Is she to be likeable? You can have an intense female that most would be put off from because she's very smart, educated, good in her field--possibly even the head honcho, non-frivolous....read a Kathy Reichs book, and you'll see what I'm talking about regarding lead female that breaks the stereotypical hot babe waiting for corset to be ripped away.

But I've only read a snippet, so what do I know, right? And, just so ye' ken, writing/creating a female outside the box is refreshing and will grab a reader. So I like what you've done.

k

Inky
05-26-2007, 03:25 PM
I cannot compete against the college girls I've discovered you enjoy.
I can, however, sharpen a stainless steel knife. And cut your heart out in a much more precise pattern than the way you've shredded mine.
Pat it, roll it, mark it with a B, put it in the oven, and from you, bastard, be free.

glassquill
05-26-2007, 07:05 PM
Is she to be likeable? You can have an intense female that most would be put off from because she's very smart, educated, good in her field--possibly even the head honcho, non-frivolous....read a Kathy Reichs book, and you'll see what I'm talking about regarding lead female that breaks the stereotypical hot babe waiting for corset to be ripped away.

But I've only read a snippet, so what do I know, right? And, just so ye' ken, writing/creating a female outside the box is refreshing and will grab a reader. So I like what you've done.

k


Now that you mention it, I don't think she's meant to be likeable. Let me see, hot babe? Not her. A corset. Nope, doesn't wear one. :D

Out of the box? More than likely. She has a mind of her own and she speaks it too. Gives me a headache trying to write her sometimes. Don't you just love characters like that? ;) I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for the complement.

I DO like this thread. It's so motivating. :D Now for a snippet of what I've written so far today.



She stared down at the face of the woman sprawled at her feet. Aleanna bent down and stroked the black braid that was lying in a fresh pool of blood. She whispered into the woman's ear. "I am capable of denying you your eternal rest." Her fingers continued caressing the braid. "Just as you've denied the life that's rightfully mine." Wrapping the braid around her hand, Aleanna stood up in one fluid motion and dragged the body by the hair towards the cart. "Maybe I will give you the opportunity to find out what feels like." She heaved it into the already overflowing cart. "Mother."

Inky
05-26-2007, 07:27 PM
Now that you mention it, I don't think she's meant to be likeable. Let me see, hot babe? Not her. A corset. Nope, doesn't wear one. :D

Out of the box? More than likely. She has a mind of her own and she speaks it too. Gives me a headache trying to write her sometimes. Don't you just love characters like that? ;) I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for the complement.

I DO like this thread. It's so motivating. :D Now for a snippet of what I've written so far today.



She stared down at the face of the woman sprawled at her feet. Aleanna bent down and stroked the black braid that was lying in a fresh pool of blood. She whispered into the woman's ear. "I am capable of denying you your eternal rest." Her fingers continued caressing the braid. "Just as you've denied the life that's rightfully mine." Wrapping the braid around her hand, Aleanna stood up in one fluid motion and dragged the body by the hair towards the cart. "Maybe I will give you the opportunity to find out what feels like." She heaved it into the already overflowing cart. "Mother."

Holy Shitska!!! I demand/beg/will suffer blackmail to have an autographed copy of this when complete.
'Mother'. Hmmm. Could you be telling the story of my step-mother? I'm STILL trying to find a voodoo priestess...you know...have a lil' fun before making her contort her body and shove her head right up...er....nevermind.

Goooooood stuff, Quill...good stuff. Addicting. Page turner possabilities.

alaskamatt17
05-27-2007, 05:33 AM
Started a new story yesterday. This is from about six pages in.




Man's come a long way since the Neolithic Age. Not counting ourselves, only twelve species remain on Earth that will willingly consume human flesh, and ten of those are man-made. As Tanner watches the jungle canopy go rushing by beneath the open helicopter door, he can't helping counting off-hand how many of those species call the Amazon home.

glassquill
05-27-2007, 05:48 AM
Holy Shitska!!! I demand/beg/will suffer blackmail to have an autographed copy of this when complete.
'Mother'. Hmmm. Could you be telling the story of my step-mother? I'm STILL trying to find a voodoo priestess...you know...have a lil' fun before making her contort her body and shove her head right up...er....nevermind.

Goooooood stuff, Quill...good stuff. Addicting. Page turner possabilities.

:D I'm afraid I have never met the lady you've mentioned.

Thank you for the compliments, Inked. You're making me blush. :o This still needs to have its rough edges smoothed. Possibly a few bridges to build and a number of them to burn as well. I shall unearth those expensive Belgian chocolates once I put 'The End' on this piece of work.

And now, onwards with the writing. The muse calls. All the best with your writing too, Inked.

Turtle07
05-27-2007, 06:26 AM
And that was how I ended up here, standing at the register, my palms sweaty and my throat dry. I was going to talk to her today, or else I’d be facing ten years at least.

Reading it alone, it sounds weird. This is part of a new idea I'm playing with. Something I'm doing for fun. :D But hopefully, I'll get something out of it. ;)

Stuart Clark
05-27-2007, 07:49 AM
This is from my current WIP:

Her face brightened. “Okay. I’ll do that. I think Alex will be pleased to see Grandma and Grandpa. It’ll be good for him to get a change of scenery.”
“I think so too.”
“I think I’ll take Furball too. He likes the wide open spaces out there. It’s really the only chance he gets to climb.”
“Sounds good.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
There was an awkward silence and then Kate spoke again. “Can we expect to see you out there any time soon?”
“I’ll try, it’s just…”
“I know. You’ve got to take care of that stuff. Any idea when you’ll be done?”
“It’s impossible to say Kate. It could be a couple of days, it could be a week, but I’ll come and get you guys as soon as I can.”
“All right,” she sighed. She sounded resigned to the fact that she was going to be without her husband for quite some time. Alex wailed in the background as if he, too, was dismayed at his father’s news. “I gotta go. Okay? I love you.”
“I love y…”
But Kate had already terminated the link.
Wyatt sat forward on the sofa and held his forehead in his hands, giving his eyes one last rub with the heels of his hands. He sighed, deeply, psyching himself up to go and face another day of Chicago’s problems. He never expected Chicago’s problems to come to him.

glassquill
05-27-2007, 07:56 AM
This is from my current WIP:

Her face brightened. “Okay. I’ll do that. I think Alex will be pleased to see Grandma and Grandpa. It’ll be good for him to get a change of scenery.”
“I think so too.”
“I think I’ll take Furball too. He likes the wide open spaces out there. It’s really the only chance he gets to climb.”
“Sounds good.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
There was an awkward silence and then Kate spoke again. “Can we expect to see you out there any time soon?”
“I’ll try, it’s just…”
“I know. You’ve got to take care of that stuff. Any idea when you’ll be done?”
“It’s impossible to say Kate. It could be a couple of days, it could be a week, but I’ll come and get you guys as soon as I can.”
“All right,” she sighed. She sounded resigned to the fact that she was going to be without her husband for quite some time. Alex wailed in the background as if he, too, was dismayed at his father’s news. “I gotta go. Okay? I love you.”
“I love y…”
But Kate had already terminated the link.
Wyatt sat forward on the sofa and held his forehead in his hands, giving his eyes one last rub with the heels of his hands. He sighed, deeply, psyching himself up to go and face another day of Chicago’s problems. He never expected Chicago’s problems to come to him.

Just thought I'd let you know that I especially like the last sentence. It raises all sorts of intriguing questions. :D

glassquill
05-27-2007, 08:01 AM
And that was how I ended up here, standing at the register, my palms sweaty and my throat dry. I was going to talk to her today, or else I’d be facing ten years at least.

Reading it alone, it sounds weird. This is part of a new idea I'm playing with. Something I'm doing for fun. :D But hopefully, I'll get something out of it. ;)

In my personal opinion, I don't think it sounds weird.

Is this the beginning? If so, I think you've got a pretty good start. I'd be interested in finding out who is the 'she' this individual wants to talk to and why it's important. Ten years of what and why? :D

Inky
05-27-2007, 12:49 PM
“I tried to make you feed. Their screaming was the result of blood coming from my neck.” He shrugged. “You refused what I offered. As for your state of undress, I have seen you naked, my Queen; therefore, what is the night slip you slept in—“
Her mood veered sharply. “When, Vaide, have you seen me naked?”
Dezenial frowned. “You two can battle later. You should have been able to remain lucid, not comatose. . .” His gaze plunged. Emily gasped, she too looking down at her abdomen.
“No way.” Her voice escalated with each word. “Wipe that grin off your face right now!”
Collective groans hummed loudly.
Colin smacked his forehead. “She’s pregnant.”
“Aye. At least this time, the Demon god will be around to keep his Lady Nightmare tame—ooof!”
“I’ll not be ‘avin’ ye’ spear the precious moment wi’ yer’ sass!” Maeve snapped at Reignsfeugh.
“An’ when she sets fire to yer’ hall again? Or plunges her blade into one o’ us again?”
“Ye’ would do well ta’ keep her humored and then ye’ not be ‘avin ta’ worry about yer’ hide,” Maeve said, sauntering off with her head held high. “Cianna, we’ll ‘ave need of your skills. Preparations will need ta’ be made. Certain foods, and those teas ta’ ease her Highness’ morning miseries.”
“Aye, we could all do wi’ some o’ that tea for miseries we’re about ta’ suffer,” Reignsfeugh whispered to Broc.
“I hear yer’ cheek, Celt!”
“Aye, old woman. Ye’ were meant ta’ hear it! Ye’ haven’t much cared fer my miseries in a long—beggin’ yer pardon Highness—“

glassquill
05-27-2007, 02:00 PM
Nice snippet, Inked. It seems to me like it's a humorous scene. Is that what you're aiming for?

Inky
05-27-2007, 02:27 PM
Nice snippet, Inked. It seems to me like it's a humorous scene. Is that what you're aiming for?
Oh yeah. They're 3600 year old Picts (Forest Lords), give or take a few decades (as they'll forever quip), so trust me, they go at it quite often. Emily's a modern from Texas...or so she was in book I. This is book II, where her position is now well established.

Thanks for the compliment. Means much.

k

glassquill
05-27-2007, 05:55 PM
Oh yeah. They're 3600 year old Picts (Forest Lords), give or take a few decades (as they'll forever quip), so trust me, they go at it quite often. Emily's a modern from Texas...or so she was in book I. This is book II, where her position is now well established.

Thanks for the compliment. Means much.

k

I must admit I had been wondering about the name Emily. It does stand out among the other names. Now, all is explained. You have a good idea going there. What's the title of your first book? You've certainly got me curious enough to want to check it out for myself. :D


I didn't make much headway in today's bout of writing. Can't say that I'm looking forward to writing down what happens after this particular chapter. Maybe that's why I'm starting to slow down.



"Unless you wish to be alone, do as I say. Go fill that tub." As Luesyn hesitated, she added. "You're running out of time." She slumped against the wall even as he ran off in search of a bucket. Though he had grabbed her arm lightly, Aleanna could see that her skin had torn open in places that his thin fingers had exerted pressure. Any attempt to quell the flow of blood would only create fresh tears. She cursed those responsible for the massacre. They had her racing against time to do her duties, leaving her with none for rest, food and worse of all, no time to keep her own death at bay.

Inky
05-27-2007, 06:04 PM
I must admit I had been wondering about the name Emily. It does stand out among the other names. Now, all is explained. You have a good idea going there. What's the title of your first book? You've certainly got me curious enough to want to check it out for myself. :D


I didn't make much headway in today's bout of writing. Can't say that I'm looking forward to writing down what happens after this particular chapter. Maybe that's why I'm starting to slow down.



"Unless you wish to be alone, do as I say. Go fill that tub." As Luesyn hesitated, she added. "You're running out of time." She slumped against the wall even as he ran off in search of a bucket. Though he had grabbed her arm lightly, Aleanna could see that her skin had torn open in places that his thin fingers had exerted pressure. Any attempt to quell the flow of blood would only create fresh tears. She cursed those responsible for the massacre. They had her racing against time to do her duties, leaving her with none for rest, food and worse of all, no time to keep her own death at bay.

Whoa!!! I have all kinds of imagry going on here...and questions, questions...page turner.

I can send you a copy, if you like, or on Amazon: Shadows of The Keeper:

Thirty-six hundred years is a long time to be condemned to immortality; even longer to remember the faces of his massacred clan--and The Keeper who could have stopped it with her formidable magicks.
So when modern day Emily Garrison nearly loses her life, and is brought to his keep in ancient Alba, Broc MacLarrin's fury ignites--for Emily is none other than the return of that long ago sorceress. Slay her, thus avenge his people? Or fear Pendaran's wrath and protect her from Shadow's assassins residing in the evil kingdom leagues below the stone floors of his keep?
For three millennia, Prince Dezenial has scoffed his father, Hades, and the offer to take his rightful place as The Dark Prince, overlord of the Demon Elite Regime--gargoyles. Why protect mortals when their annihilation brings him such pleasure? But when Dezenial's mother, the vile goddess Shadow, discovers the location of the only mortal he's ever vowed to protect--Emily--Dezenial realizes he's now a Shadow Master cursed; Emily's not only the long awaited Keeper, she's his soulmate.

glassquill
05-27-2007, 06:23 PM
Whoa!!! I have all kinds of imagry going on here...and questions, questions...page turner.

I can send you a copy, if you like, or on Amazon: Shadows of The Keeper:

Thirty-six hundred years is a long time to be condemned to immortality; even longer to remember the faces of his massacred clan--and The Keeper who could have stopped it with her formidable magicks.
So when modern day Emily Garrison nearly loses her life, and is brought to his keep in ancient Alba, Broc MacLarrin's fury ignites--for Emily is none other than the return of that long ago sorceress. Slay her, thus avenge his people? Or fear Pendaran's wrath and protect her from Shadow's assassins residing in the evil kingdom leagues below the stone floors of his keep?
For three millennia, Prince Dezenial has scoffed his father, Hades, and the offer to take his rightful place as The Dark Prince, overlord of the Demon Elite Regime--gargoyles. Why protect mortals when their annihilation brings him such pleasure? But when Dezenial's mother, the vile goddess Shadow, discovers the location of the only mortal he's ever vowed to protect--Emily--Dezenial realizes he's now a Shadow Master cursed; Emily's not only the long awaited Keeper, she's his soulmate.


Thanks for the information, Inked. I will go check out your book. I won't impose on your generosity though. I'd much rather purchase a copy. It's always good to support a fellow writer. :)

Andre_Laurent
05-27-2007, 06:28 PM
Fun thread. From yesterday.


Within minutes he was again strapped down on the table. “What is this he hissed? What are you doing?”
“We’re on to you,” said the one who had branded him. “Your finger print matched with one found at a crime scene. A prostitute’s murderer scene to be exact. We know you’re one of two involved.”
“No! We were there, but we didn’t kill that woman.”
“Uh huh,” he said.
“We didn’t. I swear to God, we didn’t.”
“Who’s we?”
Vali didn’t answer.
“That’s what I thought,” the man said and went to get the branding iron. He brought it over.
“Please…don’t. I didn’t do anything.”
“Hold his arm still,” he said. They forced Vali’s hand down flat on the table. The man held the brand to his hand, cooking the diagonal line into his skin, indicating a violent, dangerous creature.
Vali hissed, and tears leaked from his eyes. They released the straps and yanked him off the table.
The man who had struck him said, “Get a confession out of him.”

Inky
05-27-2007, 06:36 PM
Thanks for the information, Inked. I will go check out your book. I won't impose on your generosity though. I'd much rather purchase a copy. It's always good to support a fellow writer. :)

My generosity is extended to those that have shown kindness vs judgements (yeah, some have bit deeply into the jugular). You see, I had an agent offer representation, at the same time I was notified my son was MIA. One overrode the other. Once I emerged from a darkness I wish on no mother, everyone encouraged to get back into the 'saddle'. I just didn't have it in me to do the whole submission thing again. Through a thread here at AW, back when Jenna ran the joint and a guest editor she had from Writer's Digest allowed numerous questions to be shot her way, I took the advice, investigated the particular company, and ran with it. I'm very picky, and a perfectionist, so it wasn't an over night job. It took 6 months until I was satisfied with the end product. You don't spend 5 years creating languages, mythology, beings, realms, and the ability to go with it as a series to have it slapped together.
I thank you for your interest.
I thank you all for enabling me to laugh out loud again, and for the friendships extended here....and for enduring my very broken zipper humor!
Oh, and my son? A long course towards the end result of healing, but he was found...one didn't make it...so this weekend is profound for him and his Ranger buddies/troops that were blown off that ridge...

karey

Inky
05-27-2007, 06:43 PM
Fun thread. From yesterday.


Within minutes he was again strapped down on the table. “What is this he hissed? What are you doing?”
“We’re on to you,” said the one who had branded him. “Your finger print matched with one found at a crime scene. A prostitute’s murderer scene to be exact. We know you’re one of two involved.”
“No! We were there, but we didn’t kill that woman.”
“Uh huh,” he said.
“We didn’t. I swear to God, we didn’t.”
“Who’s we?”
Vali didn’t answer.
“That’s what I thought,” the man said and went to get the branding iron. He brought it over.
“Please…don’t. I didn’t do anything.”
“Hold his arm still,” he said. They forced Vali’s hand down flat on the table. The man held the brand to his hand, cooking the diagonal line into his skin, indicating a violent, dangerous creature.
Vali hissed, and tears leaked from his eyes. They released the straps and yanked him off the table.
The man who had struck him said, “Get a confession out of him.”

Very realistic dialogue and shows--doesn't 'tell'. I know this is raw, but the part where he's being burned/branded...have you ever had a steam burn when you pull something out of the microwave? Or lift the lid too soon? Me? I curse enough to make truck drivers and sailors blush. And if this is for kids, so can't really do the cursing...they have all kinds of words they scramble. When my daughter stubbed her toe the other day, she squealed: 'dagnabbit-motherfatboy-squishthe frickentoadmyTOOOEEE!'
*shrug*...they're mini-me's...which means, they're mini-dorks. :)

I'd like to see what happens next.

k

Stuart Clark
05-27-2007, 06:48 PM
Just thought I'd let you know that I especially like the last sentence. It raises all sorts of intriguing questions. :D

Thanks Glassquill. I try and keep things hanging....Oh, and trust me, Chicago has a lot of problems right now! :-)

Andre_Laurent
05-27-2007, 07:00 PM
Very realistic dialogue and shows--doesn't 'tell'. I know this is raw, but the part where he's being burned/branded...have you ever had a steam burn when you pull something out of the microwave? Or lift the lid too soon? Me? I curse enough to make truck drivers and sailors blush. And if this is for kids, so can't really do the cursing...they have all kinds of words they scramble. When my daughter stubbed her toe the other day, she squealed: 'dagnabbit-motherfatboy-squishthe frickentoadmyTOOOEEE!'
*shrug*...they're mini-me's...which means, they're mini-dorks. :)

I'd like to see what happens next.

k
Ya know, you're right...calls for some cursing....and thrashing about. :D My stuff is often missing plenty on the first pass. I think I left him too docile because he was still feeling drugged...only way they could catch him...so he isn't up to par...yet.

Inky
05-27-2007, 07:03 PM
Ya know, you're right...calls for some cursing....and thrashing about. :D My stuff is often missing plenty on the first pass. I think I left him too docile because he was still feeling drugged...only way they could catch him...so he isn't up to par...yet.

Oh, no worries, like I said, I knew it was raw. I usually make broth my first go around, then with every edit, I'm not happy until at long last I have thick, hearty stew..then I know it's a story that's going to leave the reader full and satisfied...pondering the vast ingredients for many many days.

Or, as another author said: I puke it out the story, then go back & clean it up.

Either way, you get the gist.
I thank you for having the courage to share it in it's raw stages...you know we writers...paranoid about sharing our work, yet want the world to read it. Oxymorons at their finest, eh?

karey

glassquill
05-27-2007, 07:13 PM
Ya know, you're right...calls for some cursing....and thrashing about. :D My stuff is often missing plenty on the first pass. I think I left him too docile because he was still feeling drugged...only way they could catch him...so he isn't up to par...yet.


I think most first rough drafts are either missing something or else overstuffed. I think he's a bit too docile. If you were to stick a hot iron into the most quiet of animals, you'd almost certainly be guaranteed a violent reaction, in my personal opinion of course. Unless he's drugged up to the point he's slurring words and seeing triple. Again, a personal opinion. :)

Andre_Laurent
05-27-2007, 07:15 PM
you know we writers...paranoid about sharing our work, yet want the world to read it. Oxymorons at their finest, eh?

karey

Strange but true. ;)

Andre_Laurent
05-27-2007, 07:22 PM
I think most first rough drafts are either missing something or else overstuffed. I think he's a bit too docile. If you were to stick a hot iron into the most quiet of animals, you'd almost certainly be guaranteed a violent reaction, in my personal opinion of course. Unless he's drugged up to the point he's slurring words and seeing triple. Again, a personal opinion. :)
Yep, that would hurt like hell. He was drugged up but not to that point, so I'll have to work on him, lol.

glassquill
05-27-2007, 07:35 PM
I'm very picky, and a perfectionist, so it wasn't an over night job. It took 6 months until I was satisfied with the end product. You don't spend 5 years creating languages, mythology, beings, realms, and the ability to go with it as a series to have it slapped together.
I thank you for your interest.
I thank you all for enabling me to laugh out loud again, and for the friendships extended here....and for enduring my very broken zipper humor!
Oh, and my son? A long course towards the end result of healing, but he was found...one didn't make it...so this weekend is profound for him and his Ranger buddies/troops that were blown off that ridge...

karey

I know what you mean about being picky. I have a bad habit of picking at my writing even before I'm half way through (must resist temptation to rewrite unfinished work). It does take a long time to flesh out a whole new world. But it's so much fun. :D

And I thank you for taking the time to offer comments. It can be very motivating to know that I must be doing something right. Even if I have to blunder around at times to get there.

I'm glad that your son is safe, Karey. :Hug2:

Andre_Laurent
05-28-2007, 03:53 AM
Okay, it's more than a paragraph...context, ya know. Todays pecking produced:


Julian turned to the book and opened it with shaking hands. He smiled in triumph. The dated pages held sales records and included the buyer’s name and address, along with an invoice number. It looked like the records a real business would keep.

Julian flipped to the page with the date he and Saranna had been caught. There were two entries; one for a male and one for a female. He memorized the address where Saranna had been sent and swallowed down a snarl. It was a whorehouse all right. His beautiful Saranna…

He had planned to call Ashton and Slade, but he would get her alone. He had to. She wouldn’t want them to know what had happened to her.

He considered burning the building to the ground then decided it could wait and maybe Ashton wouldn’t want the place torched…not yet anyway.

BenPanced
05-28-2007, 03:56 AM
Out on the sidewalk, Zack looked up at the window and watched as the three argued. He crossed his arms and shook his head, then went back inside. “Yeah, happy birthday to me,” he said to himself as he climbed the stairs, the dread of the coming year starting to fill his head.

And...SCENE.

P.S.) I might change "head" to "stomach". For some reason, I don't like the rhyme of "dread" and "head".

Stuart Clark
05-28-2007, 08:09 AM
Again, from my latest WIP:

He saw it then. A creature of obsidian black, stationary in the corner of the room. It was almost standing upright, its eight legs folded and stacked in front of it, moving gently in tandem with the slow pulse of the abdomen as it breathed. Occasionally, one of its antennae would twitch or move, but otherwise it was motionless.

Gruber couldn’t tell if it was sleeping or just standing there waiting. And if it was waiting. Waiting for what?
He felt something move in his stomach, like trapped gas shifting through his guts, and then there was excruciating pain. Gruber tried to scream again, but all that passed his lips was a muffled grunt. He blinked back tears. Terrified.
He was being eaten alive. From the inside, out.

Inky
05-28-2007, 09:12 AM
Okay, it's more than a paragraph...context, ya know. Todays pecking produced:


Julian turned to the book and opened it with shaking hands. He smiled in triumph. The dated pages held sales records and included the buyer’s name and address, along with an invoice number. It looked like the records a real business would keep.

Julian flipped to the page with the date he and Saranna had been caught. There were two entries; one for a male and one for a female. He memorized the address where Saranna had been sent and swallowed down a snarl. It was a whorehouse all right. His beautiful Saranna…

He had planned to call Ashton and Slade, but he would get her alone. He had to. She wouldn’t want them to know what had happened to her.

He considered burning the building to the ground then decided it could wait and maybe Ashton wouldn’t want the place torched…not yet anyway.
:popcorn: Uh huh. Then what happened?

Inky
05-28-2007, 09:15 AM
Out on the sidewalk, Zack looked up at the window and watched as the three argued. He crossed his arms and shook his head, then went back inside. “Yeah, happy birthday to me,” he said to himself as he climbed the stairs, the dread of the coming year starting to fill his head.

And...SCENE.

P.S.) I might change "head" to "stomach". For some reason, I don't like the rhyme of "dread" and "head".

I'm that way too with my own writing...rhymy words...I always imagine my readers starting a sing-song chant--grrrrrrr--not good when you have someone being impaled.

Inky
05-28-2007, 09:17 AM
Again, from my latest WIP:

He saw it then. A creature of obsidian black, stationary in the corner of the room. It was almost standing upright, its eight legs folded and stacked in front of it, moving gently in tandem with the slow pulse of the abdomen as it breathed. Occasionally, one of its antennae would twitch or move, but otherwise it was motionless.

Gruber couldn’t tell if it was sleeping or just standing there waiting. And if it was waiting. Waiting for what?
He felt something move in his stomach, like trapped gas shifting through his guts, and then there was excruciating pain. Gruber tried to scream again, but all that passed his lips was a muffled grunt. He blinked back tears. Terrified.
He was being eaten alive. From the inside, out.

Well...it WAS a nice bagel...coming back up...not so nice anymore.
Uber yuck...ick...blech...
So I guess I can say--good visuals/writing. Now if I could just halt this shuddering, I MIGHT be able to move onto my OWN writing.....eeeeewwwwww!!!

Jordygirl
05-28-2007, 09:40 AM
Not nearly as, uh, creepy as some of the things on this board but what can I say. That's just how I roll. (cue laughter). Okay, okay, seriously now...

“Hey,” he said to me as he sat down. “I’m James.”
“Katrina,” I turned to look at him. And at that moment I probably couldn’t have told you if he had freckles (no) or if his hair was curly (yes), but I knew one thing. His eyes were blue. The same color blue we imagine a pool of water as being – fresh and clear and beautiful. I think I stuttered something then, a “h-h-hey” sort of thing maybe.

BenPanced
05-28-2007, 10:24 AM
I'm that way too with my own writing...rhymy words...I always imagine my readers starting a sing-song chant--grrrrrrr--not good when you have someone being impaled.
Maybe if I had a different rhyme. "Dread/head" just goes...*donk*. The "d" sound at the end makes it a little too harsh, for lack of a better word. I probably will change it to "stomach"; bad feelings settle in peoples' stomachs a lot in my writing.

Inky
05-28-2007, 10:27 AM
Maybe if I had a different rhyme. "Dread/head" just goes...*donk*. The "d" sound at the end makes it a little too harsh, for lack of a better word. I probably will change it to "stomach"; bad feelings settle in peoples' stomachs a lot in my writing.
What about deeper...let me read again, I'll be back..hehehe..couldn't resist...

Inky
05-28-2007, 10:39 AM
Maybe if I had a different rhyme. "Dread/head" just goes...*donk*. The "d" sound at the end makes it a little too harsh, for lack of a better word. I probably will change it to "stomach"; bad feelings settle in peoples' stomachs a lot in my writing.

Panced: this is by no means to assume I'm gifted, and please don't feel your toes smooshed...but what if you just change a few words so you can get the same feel going on, without having to make it the 'stomach', because you said you use that a lot in your writing--my weakness is: suddenly...as if everything in life is snap, crackle, pop...need to get away from that.

Here, what about something like this: (showed the before and after)

Out on the sidewalk, Zack looked up at the window and watched as the three argued. He crossed his arms and shook his head, then went back inside. “Yeah, happy birthday to me,” he said to himself as he climbed the stairs, the dread of the coming year starting to fill his head.

Out on the sidewalk, Zack looked up at the window and watched as the three argued. He crossed his arms and shook his head, then went back inside. “Yeah, happy birthday to me,” he muttered as he climbed the stairs, the dread of the coming year polluting his thoughts.

JoNightshade
05-28-2007, 11:23 AM
My contribution for the night...

The meal passed in silence. Roger was not given to aimless chatter, and Ellie busied herself eating. Instead, his gaze turned outward, roaming across the street and down the block. His hand fell to his side, running absently over the spokes of the wheel.

Ellie consumed the last bite of her meal and sat back, sighing with contentment. She looked at Roger and realized that he was somewhere else—where, she didn’t quite know. “You,” she said, trying to bring him back gently, “didn’t always have a chair, did you?”

His hand fell away from the wheel. “No.” He glanced at her, then down at his chair. “How did you know?”

She nodded towards his hand. “The way you move, I guess. Every few minutes, I feel like you’re about to get up and walk away. And—then you don’t.”

glassquill
05-28-2007, 11:43 AM
My contribution for the night...

The meal passed in silence. Roger was not given to aimless chatter, and Ellie busied herself eating. Instead, his gaze turned outward, roaming across the street and down the block. His hand fell to his side, running absently over the spokes of the wheel.

Ellie consumed the last bite of her meal and sat back, sighing with contentment. She looked at Roger and realized that he was somewhere else—where, she didn’t quite know. “You,” she said, trying to bring him back gently, “didn’t always have a chair, did you?”

His hand fell away from the wheel. “No.” He glanced at her, then down at his chair. “How did you know?”

She nodded towards his hand. “The way you move, I guess. Every few minutes, I feel like you’re about to get up and walk away. And—then you don’t.”

Nice snippet there, JoNightshade. I liked how you eased into the fact that Roger is in a wheelchair instead of just saying it straight to the point. Now I'm curious as to what put him there in the first place. He seems like a quiet, introspective sort of person. That's the impression I get from this.

glassquill
05-28-2007, 12:57 PM
This is my offering for the day.


"You knew about the massacre and you didn't warn them? They wouldn't have died if you told our father."

"Why should I?"

"How could you just stand there and watch them die? You owe them..."

"I owe them?" Aleanna stood up abruptly. Bloody water sloshed out over the stone floor. Luesyn flinched and averted his eyes from her nude body. She climbed out of the tub and grabbed a handful of hair, making him yelp in pain. Thrusting a blood-streaked arm in front of his face, she snarled. "Am I supposed to thank them for this?"

alaskamatt17
05-28-2007, 01:15 PM
Here's mine, from the story I've decided to call "Nature Trail."


Tanner knows he has to get out of here. The hippies are going to make him walk this path of theirs--participate in their pagan rite--and if it happens he will have betrayed the concept of progress. This is the twenty-first century, closing in on the twenty-second. Not an age for irrational rituals.

glassquill
05-28-2007, 01:21 PM
Here's mine, from the story I've decided to call Nature Trail:


Tanner knows he has to get out of here. The hippies are going to make him walk this path of theirs--participate in their pagan rite--and if it happens he will have betrayed the concept of progress. This is the twenty-first century, closing in on the twenty-second. Not an age for irrational rituals.


You've made me curious. :D Does he have to get out because of rituals of some kind or because something bad is going to happen?

alaskamatt17
05-28-2007, 01:32 PM
Well, he just botched a major assassination attempt at an Amazonian* hippie commune, and now they're trying to initiate him into their ranks. As far as he can tell, he's in trouble.

*The rain forest, not the female warriors.

glassquill
05-28-2007, 01:44 PM
Well, he just botched a major assassination attempt at an Amazonian* hippie commune, and now they're trying to initiate him into their ranks. As far as he can tell, he's in trouble.

*The rain forest, not the female warriors.

If that doesn't spell trouble, I don't know what does. :D

dub
05-28-2007, 01:51 PM
This is pretty lame. I have been working on chapter 4 of my WIP, and went in this morning and cleaned up some syntax problems in the opening. As you can see, I have work to do.

________

From chapter 4 - The Professor's Chronicles

First week of class is always a bitch, new names to learn, paperwork to complete; a real nightmare for an instructor. Luckily, my research class rarely had more than a couple dozen students. It was one of those classes not required for every degree program. Nursing School students however, were required to take the class, so each semester I got a handful of potential nurses, ready to suffer through one of the hardest classes on campus.

Andre_Laurent
05-28-2007, 03:38 PM
Bloody water sloshed out over the stone floor.
Sweet. :D

Andre_Laurent
05-28-2007, 03:44 PM
:popcorn: Uh huh. Then what happened?
Probably some death and destruction. :tongue Julian is quite fond of that girl.

Inky
05-28-2007, 03:47 PM
Probably some death and destruction. :tongue Julian is quite fond of that girl.

Can you satisfy my Pandora issues, and tell me: what is Julian?

glassquill
05-28-2007, 04:05 PM
This is pretty lame. I have been working on chapter 4 of my WIP, and went in this morning and cleaned up some syntax problems in the opening. As you can see, I have work to do.

________

From chapter 4 - The Professor's Chronicles

First week of class is always a bitch, new names to learn, paperwork to complete; a real nightmare for an instructor. Luckily, my research class rarely had more than a couple dozen students. It was one of those classes not required for every degree program. Nursing School students however, were required to take the class, so each semester I got a handful of potential nurses, ready to suffer through one of the hardest classes on campus.


Hardest class on campus? :idea: Would that be calculus then?

Andre_Laurent
05-28-2007, 04:15 PM
Can you satisfy my Pandora issues, and tell me: what is Julian?
Julian is my favorite critter of the night....a vampire....which has been done to death, I know. It's the unusual world he lives in that's different...and terrible. :D

Andre_Laurent
05-28-2007, 04:17 PM
Hardest class on campus? :idea: Would that be calculus then?
Statistics...it would have to be statistics. :tongue

glassquill
05-28-2007, 04:23 PM
Julian is my favorite critter of the night....a vampire....which has been done to death, I know. It's the unusual world he lives in that's different...and terrible. :D

Yes, there's plenty of vampires. But the difference is all in the details, yes? ;)

Inky
05-28-2007, 07:10 PM
Julian is my favorite critter of the night....a vampire....which has been done to death, I know. It's the unusual world he lives in that's different...and terrible. :D

Hmmm....sounds like I need to have this book when it's finished...ever need a sucker...er...beta-reader, I'd be interested. LOVE vampires...IF there's romance....:e2brows:

scarletpeaches
05-28-2007, 07:12 PM
I'm a vamp-lover too.

No-one does them better than Freda Warrington, in my opinion.

Raindrops
05-28-2007, 07:27 PM
I'm still rewriting chapter one and this is what I have. :)

Mitch raked the dull side of the blade across his forehead, while he paced back and forth in front of the girls. “Aaron—grow-up. Of course, she’s going to insult you, you idiot. She’s scared and angry,” he retorted. “And we know there are six of them.”

JoNightshade
05-28-2007, 09:24 PM
Nice snippet there, JoNightshade. I liked how you eased into the fact that Roger is in a wheelchair instead of just saying it straight to the point. Now I'm curious as to what put him there in the first place. He seems like a quiet, introspective sort of person. That's the impression I get from this.

Hey, thanks! Actually by this point in the story it is very clear that he is in a wheelchair (I'm like 20,000 words in and it would be rather awkward otherwise!) but we still don't know exactly why. So. Curiosity is good. Now that I'm looking at this in the morning, however, I realize I have a couple of annoying repeat words - "fell" and "chair." Gotta get rid of those. :)


"I owe them?" Aleanna stood up abruptly. Bloody water sloshed out over the stone floor. Luesyn flinched and averted his eyes from her nude body. She climbed out of the tub and grabbed a handful of hair, making him yelp in pain. Thrusting a blood-streaked arm in front of his face, she snarled. "Am I supposed to thank them for this?"

For a minute I was trying to figure out if she was taking a bath in a tub filled with blood, but presumably if I knew what came before this section I would not have that misconception. Otherwise, I love this. Very visual without being sexual; it conveys her strength and the fact that she's pretty pissed off about her own injuries.

FYI, however, if you have some major bleeding injuries, probably the first thing you wanna do is NOT get into a bathtub. Stops coagulation and may result in death (which is why people who slit their wrists do it). If she's just washing off blood, however, that's ok. :)

Inky
05-28-2007, 09:37 PM
I'm a vamp-lover too.

No-one does them better than Freda Warrington, in my opinion.
Freda? I'll have to look this up on Amazon--always in search of a new voice to add to my library; maybe not new voice in the world, but new in my collection.

Thanks for the 'heads up', Scarlett...oh...and about that FIFA thing..yeah, I know over here it's called football, but where I come from, football brings to image men running around in tight white calf-length pants, resembling tampons: and no second string.
Now...when you say soccer player, it brings to mind chiseled thighs, sculpted calves, lickable derriere's, and abdomans that make most ovaries don little black shoes and perform the RiverDance....and if he's FABIO????
Oh...stop my beating heat..er...heart.....me thinks I need to get back to that erotica scene I was typing........

Stuart Clark
05-28-2007, 09:40 PM
So I guess I can say--good visuals/writing. Now if I could just halt this shuddering, I MIGHT be able to move onto my OWN writing.....eeeeewwwwww!!!

Thanks inked! Seems like it got the reaction I was hoping for! Not too graphic - I think leaving the imagination to fill in the blanks works wonders!

BenPanced
05-28-2007, 09:45 PM
Panced: this is by no means to assume I'm gifted, and please don't feel your toes smooshed...but what if you just change a few words so you can get the same feel going on, without having to make it the 'stomach', because you said you use that a lot in your writing--my weakness is: suddenly...as if everything in life is snap, crackle, pop...need to get away from that.

Here, what about something like this: (showed the before and after)

Out on the sidewalk, Zack looked up at the window and watched as the three argued. He crossed his arms and shook his head, then went back inside. “Yeah, happy birthday to me,” he said to himself as he climbed the stairs, the dread of the coming year starting to fill his head.

Out on the sidewalk, Zack looked up at the window and watched as the three argued. He crossed his arms and shook his head, then went back inside. “Yeah, happy birthday to me,” he muttered as he climbed the stairs, the dread of the coming year polluting his thoughts.
Believe it or not, another weakness is my characters mutter a lot. Granted "he said to himself" is a lot of extra words (helllloooooo, NaNoWriMo...) and pretty much mean the same as "muttered", but I should probably keep a thesaurus nearby and write like I didn't.

*ruminates advice*

But, hey, that's from the end of the first chapter and I'm not even finished with the ms, so a lot can change between now and then. Thanks for taking a look and letting me know what you think! I'll keep it in mind for later.

Inky
05-28-2007, 09:59 PM
Thanks inked! Seems like it got the reaction I was hoping for! Not too graphic - I think leaving the imagination to fill in the blanks works wonders!

Yes, yes, yes! If ever in doubt, watch the movie Seven, the ending scene, where UPS driver arrives & delivers a box to Morgan Freedman (sp?)...you're never shown what's INSIDE the box, but you know Brad Pitt's wife WAS pregnant at the time she was murdered, and inside that box...well...you're left to your imagination...that friggen scene haunts me to this day!!!!!! Allllll kinds of images filled the vast 'could be this, could be that'...it was horrible.
And very, very good.
That's what your writing reminded me of: uber visuals, not alot of words, you wrote like in pure verb..not easy to pull off.

karey

Inky
05-28-2007, 10:01 PM
Believe it or not, another weakness is my characters mutter a lot. Granted "he said to himself" is a lot of extra words (helllloooooo, NaNoWriMo...) and pretty much mean the same as "muttered", but I should probably keep a thesaurus nearby and write like I didn't.

*ruminates advice*

But, hey, that's from the end of the first chapter and I'm not even finished with the ms, so a lot can change between now and then. Thanks for taking a look and letting me know what you think! I'll keep it in mind for later.

Yeah, my characters mutter, sigh, glance, scowl, and hiss a bit too much too. Just puke it out, go back & clean it up later. I love your twist on words, so you're more thesaurusly gifted than you give yourself credit for.

Jack Nog
05-28-2007, 11:16 PM
Today's Puke:


Sometimes, severing ties was the best way to end things. Sometimes, it just wasn’t that easy.

Inky
05-28-2007, 11:27 PM
Today's Puke:

;)

Andre_Laurent
05-28-2007, 11:29 PM
Hmmm....sounds like I need to have this book when it's finished...ever need a sucker...er...beta-reader, I'd be interested. LOVE vampires...IF there's romance....:e2brows:
Sure you can beta read...if you don't mind guts and blood...but it will be a while before it's ready for that.

Inky
05-28-2007, 11:41 PM
Ryn stopped, coming around to face her. “Whomever’s face you look into, when the north star settles into the cradle of the crescent moon, that is the person you will pine for the rest of your life—unless of course it is already your one true love.”
“So what did Portimus hope to gain? Have I not given you my soul?”
“He has lusted after you these many weeks, my dear; more to the point, it worries me how open he has become in his enthrallment of you.”
Kit waved her hand. “No harm done, really.”
“I have been insulted. That alone is harm enough. As for your indifference, be wary, Kitairna. In the realm of the Fey, success of trickery is prized and heavily practiced.”
She tilted her head back, staring solemnly up at him. “And you? Do you practice this trickery? I have heard whispers when your subjects assume I cannot hear, or do not understand their--"
Ryn’s expression iced. “What whispers?”

Inky
05-28-2007, 11:42 PM
Sure you can beta read...if you don't mind guts and blood...but it will be a while before it's ready for that.

I would be most complimented, fine sir, most complimented.

glassquill
05-29-2007, 02:06 AM
For a minute I was trying to figure out if she was taking a bath in a tub filled with blood, but presumably if I knew what came before this section I would not have that misconception. Otherwise, I love this. Very visual without being sexual; it conveys her strength and the fact that she's pretty pissed off about her own injuries.

FYI, however, if you have some major bleeding injuries, probably the first thing you wanna do is NOT get into a bathtub. Stops coagulation and may result in death (which is why people who slit their wrists do it). If she's just washing off blood, however, that's ok. :)


Thanks for the comment and pointers, JoNightshade. :)

You're right. If you read the earlier part, you would know why she's sitting in the tub. I'll keep your advice about bleeding and bathtubs. :D But, she's in there for a good reason which was stated in an earlier scene. Hopefully when the whole thing is read, it'd make more sense.

glassquill
05-29-2007, 02:11 AM
Ryn stopped, coming around to face her. “Whomever’s face you look into, when the north star settles into the cradle of the crescent moon, that is the person you will pine for the rest of your life—unless of course it is already your one true love.”
“So what did Portimus hope to gain? Have I not given you my soul?”
“He has lusted after you these many weeks, my dear; more to the point, it worries me how open he has become in his enthrallment of you.”
Kit waved her hand. “No harm done, really.”
“I have been insulted. That alone is harm enough. As for your indifference, be wary, Kitairna. In the realm of the Fey, success of trickery is prized and heavily practiced.”
She tilted her head back, staring solemnly up at him. “And you? Do you practice this trickery? I have heard whispers when your subjects assume I cannot hear, or do not understand their--"
Ryn’s expression iced. “What whispers?”


Nice, Karey. Very nice. Now even I want to know what those whispers are about. Little busybody, aren't I? :tongue

JoNightshade
05-29-2007, 02:15 AM
Glassquill - What's your "Performance" countdown? Just curious.

glassquill
05-29-2007, 02:28 AM
Glassquill - What's your "Performance" countdown? Just curious.

That counter? I'm learning to play the harp and the teacher has arranged for me and the other students to perform in public for the first time. Probably around Christmas time, hence the little counter.

To be honest, I'm trying not to think about it. It scares me. :scared:

Miss Java
05-29-2007, 04:17 AM
Nolan pulled his bag closer to his chest. He was still unconvinced. Even if the king had planted the stone in Alec’s bag, he wouldn’t have known Alec was going to desert at that point. So instead of some cursed object of doom, it could very well be an important item of value, something powerful that might help them defeat the king. That was his argument, at least. The real reason was that he couldn’t bear to part with it. He couldn’t leave the stone behind without leaving a bit of himself as well.

glassquill
05-29-2007, 05:03 AM
Nolan pulled his bag closer to his chest. He was still unconvinced. Even if the king had planted the stone in Alec’s bag, he wouldn’t have known Alec was going to desert at that point. So instead of some cursed object of doom, it could very well be an important item of value, something powerful that might help them defeat the king. That was his argument, at least. The real reason was that he couldn’t bear to part with it. He couldn’t leave the stone behind without leaving a bit of himself as well.


Nice snippet, Miss Java. I like where you're going with it. It raises all sorts of interesting questions. Nothing like a character getting attached to an important item, be it good or bad. :D It adds to the tension if he's supposed to get rid of it. Come to think of it, if you knew of something that could kill you, wouldn't you get rid of it as fast as you can?

Inky
05-29-2007, 06:20 AM
Glassquill - What's your "Performance" countdown? Just curious.
Me too, me too--I piggyback...me too, me too...

glassquill
05-29-2007, 06:32 AM
Me too, me too--I piggyback...me too, me too...

It's a countdown to my first public performance on the harp. That's what it is. :)

glassquill
05-29-2007, 07:04 AM
This is where I put down my pen today.



"I want answers. Narei and Kevil will have them." Aleanna placed her hand on the tarnished door knob.

Luesyn almost dropped the candle he was holding. "But they've been dead for years. How..."

"They will answer my questions, I assure you." She turned her head slightly but did not look at him. "Follow me through this door and there will be no turning back."

Luesyn looked at the door and then at the dark corridor stretched out behind him. He shivered and rubbed his arm with his free hand. "I don't want to wait here alone."

Aleanna shrugged and pushed open the door. Despite its weathered appearance, it opened without as much as a squeak. "Very well. I will take no responsibilities for your nightmares. Follow me and keep that accursed light off my face. It's blinding me." She stepped into the darkness beyond the open door. "Close the door behind you."

Stuart Clark
05-29-2007, 07:21 AM
Hey, I like this thread, it makes me write something!

Anyway, the latest from the WIP

The door burst open and Hernandez, Smith and Argyle spilled into the room.
“Wyatt! You gotta come quick,” Hernandez said.
“What’s the matter? What’s going on?”
“These guys say the puglion has gotten bigger and Travis is still down in the sewer.”
“What! What happened to the rest of your guys?”
“Gone,” Smith said.
“Gone?” Wyatt questioned the answer, not wanting to believe what was implied.
“Dead,” Smith confirmed for him. “Ten of them, wiped out.”
“The puglion?”
“No. Barron decided to light up his flamethrower. Little did we know that the air down there was explosive. He torched them all before they could even scratch their asses.”
“But…?”
“We were lucky,” Smith anticipated the question. “We were in a different tunnel.” He turned for the door, “Come on, I’ll fill you in as we walk. Travis could be in serious danger.” He shared a glance with Argyle, “And we promised him we wouldn’t let him down.”

glassquill
05-29-2007, 07:30 AM
Hey, I like this thread, it makes me write something!

Anyway, the latest from the WIP

The door burst open and Hernandez, Smith and Argyle spilled into the room.
“Wyatt! You gotta come quick,” Hernandez said.
“What’s the matter? What’s going on?”
“These guys say the puglion has gotten bigger and Travis is still down in the sewer.”
“What! What happened to the rest of your guys?”
“Gone,” Smith said.
“Gone?” Wyatt questioned the answer, not wanting to believe what was implied.
“Dead,” Smith confirmed for him. “Ten of them, wiped out.”
“The puglion?”
“No. Barron decided to light up his flamethrower. Little did we know that the air down there was explosive. He torched them all before they could even scratch their asses.”
“But…?”
“We were lucky,” Smith anticipated the question. “We were in a different tunnel.” He turned for the door, “Come on, I’ll fill you in as we walk. Travis could be in serious danger.” He shared a glance with Argyle, “And we promised him we wouldn’t let him down.”


I agree with you. This is a very motivational thread, isn't it? :D

What's a puglion? For some reason, the word conjures up a creature that's a cross between a lion and pug. :tongue No matter how that looks, I keep imagining a very funny creature. But judging from your exerpt, 'funny' is the last word to describe this creature.

Just a little tip. You can never overuse the word 'said'. Using words other than 'said' has a tendency to give your writing hiccups. At least that's what I've read. Someone correct me if I'm wrong.

Tasmin21
05-29-2007, 07:42 AM
Little more than a paragraph, but...

“What I want you to understand, and I mean really understand, is that you are asking me to risk my life because you made a mistake out of greed and vanity. If I die, my wife is a widow, and my daughter is fatherless, all because of you. Your job, over the next twenty-four hours, is to think that over real hard. You have to decide if you can live with yourself after something like that.” I wiped my mouth and tossed the napkin on the table. “I’ll call you tomorrow afternoon to get your decision.”

Waitress Brit popped up with that “do you want dessert” grin on her face, and I just shook my head as I slid out of the booth. She looked crushed. “Bring him the check.” I glanced to Kidd. “And you better tip well.”

The clock above the bar said 1:30. I had to be at work at 2.

glassquill
05-29-2007, 07:52 AM
Little more than a paragraph, but...

“What I want you to understand, and I mean really understand, is that you are asking me to risk my life because you made a mistake out of greed and vanity. If I die, my wife is a widow, and my daughter is fatherless, all because of you. Your job, over the next twenty-four hours, is to think that over real hard. You have to decide if you can live with yourself after something like that.” I wiped my mouth and tossed the napkin on the table. “I’ll call you tomorrow afternoon to get your decision.”

Waitress Brit popped up with that “do you want dessert” grin on her face, and I just shook my head as I slid out of the booth. She looked crushed. “Bring him the check.” I glanced to Kidd. “And you better tip well.”

The clock above the bar said 1:30. I had to be at work at 2.


Interesting exerpt, Tasmin21. It does raise a few intriguing questions. What is the dangerous thing that this character has to do? Why does he have to do it? I mean, most people aren't going to stick their necks out for another person unless there's a really good reason.

Just thought I'd give you my impression of your snippet. :)

Stuart Clark
05-29-2007, 08:07 AM
I agree with you. This is a very motivational thread, isn't it? :D

What's a puglion? For some reason, the word conjures up a creature that's a cross between a lion and pug. :tongue No matter how that looks, I keep imagining a very funny creature. But judging from your exerpt, 'funny' is the last word to describe this creature.

Glassquill, thanks for the comments.

For your info, a puglion is a particularly nasty creature that lives in swamps. Growing to about 20 feet in length (in the wild), it comes equipped with powerful jaws full of blunt, rounded teeth set in a long snout and a clubbed tail, adorned with four rather wicked bony spikes. Along its back are two rows of dorsal plates.

Unfortunately, this particularly specimen has been "liberated" from Chicago's interplanetary zoo and is now running rampant in the sewer system. :D

glassquill
05-29-2007, 08:12 AM
Glassquill, thanks for the comments.

For your info, a puglion is a particularly nasty creature that lives in swamps. Growing to about 20 feet in length (in the wild), it comes equipped with powerful jaws full of blunt, rounded teeth set in a long snout and a clubbed tail, adorned with four rather wicked bony spikes. Along its back are two rows of dorsal plates.

Unfortunately, this particularly specimen has been "liberated" from Chicago's interplanetary zoo and is now running rampant in the sewer system. :D

Great, now I'm imagining some sort of dinosaur on steroids. :tongue Oh well, it beats the earlier imagery of a pug-sized lion. The only danger that would post is to small mammals and random pieces of furniture. :D

Inky
05-29-2007, 08:15 AM
This is where I put down my pen today.



"I want answers. Narei and Kevil will have them." Aleanna placed her hand on the tarnished door knob.

Luesyn almost dropped the candle he was holding. "But they've been dead for years. How..."

"They will answer my questions, I assure you." She turned her head slightly but did not look at him. "Follow me through this door and there will be no turning back."

Luesyn looked at the door and then at the dark corridor stretched out behind him. He shivered and rubbed his arm with his free hand. "I don't want to wait here alone."

Aleanna shrugged and pushed open the door. Despite its weathered appearance, it opened without as much as a squeak. "Very well. I will take no responsibilities for your nightmares. Follow me and keep that accursed light off my face. It's blinding me." She stepped into the darkness beyond the open door. "Close the door behind you."

Soooo...what's behind the dooooor????

glassquill
05-29-2007, 08:24 AM
Soooo...what's behind the dooooor????

Behind the door is a large cavern with numerous niches carved into the stone walls. In each niche is a bundle of bones wrapped up in a specially treated skin and topped with a skull. The place doesn't bother Aleanna in the least, but I don't think Luesyn will handle it too well. He's been living a life surrounded by beautiful things and cute fluffy bunnies, so to speak.

Stuart Clark
05-29-2007, 08:27 AM
Great, now I'm imagining some sort of dinosaur on steroids. :tongue

Er...yeah, that pretty much nails it! ;)

If I may be so bold as to offer a comment on your piece. You've mentioned the door at the start of that last paragraph, so we know what you're talking about. I'd simply put - She stepped into the darkness. "Close the door behind you."

Gives it more of a sense of doom to me! But what the hell do I know?

glassquill
05-29-2007, 08:32 AM
Er...yeah, that pretty much nails it! ;)

If I may be so bold as to offer a comment on your piece. You've mentioned the door at the start of that last paragraph, so we know what you're talking about. I'd simply put - She stepped into the darkness. "Close the door behind you."

Gives it more of a sense of doom to me! But what the hell do I know?

Comments are always welcome. :)

I'll keep your suggestion in mind when I get to the 'edit' stage. Right now, must resist the urge to rewrite. Hide the red pens!

JoNightshade
05-29-2007, 09:15 AM
This probably doesn't make sense out of context, but here we go. Last thing typed tonight. Probably.


Roger was waiting, slightly disheveled, at the bottom of the stairs. He looked at Timothy expectantly as he came down.

Timothy shrugged as he passed the older man. “I don’t know what to do. I asked Pam to do some digging, but until then…”

“Where are you going?”

He spoke over one shoulder. “Aspirin. He’s already starting withdrawal.”

“Take me up there.”

Timothy stopped. “What?”

“You heard me.”

He turned. Roger had not been upstairs in—well, since he’d been injured. There was no elevator in the house, and the man was too proud—

“Now, damn it.” The wailing had started again.

Timothy picked him up.

Inky
05-29-2007, 12:29 PM
It's a countdown to my first public performance on the harp. That's what it is. :)
oooooh...Loreena McKennitt style harp playing--Celtic/Old World sound?
I'll be your biggest fan.
Me? I'd like to learn the harp, something about its medievalishness (it's a word as of right now) but swords call to me...so I've found a guy who's going to teach me how to handle the claymore I have and a few dirks/daggers. Makes for more authentic writing. Went to a jouting tournament...THAT was amazing. Off subject. Sorry. I'm becoming rather adept at hijacking. Anyway...if they record your performance, you should see about uploading a bit of it for us to hear.

k

Inky
05-29-2007, 12:39 PM
Behind the door is a large cavern with numerous niches carved into the stone walls. In each niche is a bundle of bones wrapped up in a specially treated skin and topped with a skull. The place doesn't bother Aleanna in the least, but I don't think Luesyn will handle it too well. He's been living a life surrounded by beautiful things and cute fluffy bunnies, so to speak.

I want this book, Quill! Oh, I have to have manners? Hmmm. Okay. PPPLLLLEEEASSSEEE gimme the the book.
I'm hooked!
Love stuff like this...

glassquill
05-29-2007, 12:48 PM
oooooh...Loreena McKennitt style harp playing--Celtic/Old World sound?
I'll be your biggest fan.
Me? I'd like to learn the harp, something about its medievalishness (it's a word as of right now) but swords call to me...so I've found a guy who's going to teach me how to handle the claymore I have and a few dirks/daggers. Makes for more authentic writing. Went to a jouting tournament...THAT was amazing. Off subject. Sorry. I'm becoming rather adept at hijacking. Anyway...if they record your performance, you should see about uploading a bit of it for us to hear.

k

As a matter of fact, I play the Celtic harp. I can't afford those nifty pedal harps as yet.:tongue I'll see if it's possible to record the performance since we're playing together as an ensemble.

Inky
05-29-2007, 12:51 PM
As a matter of fact, I play the Celtic harp. I can't afford those nifty pedal harps as yet.:tongue I'll see if it's possible to record the performance since we're playing together as an ensemble.
:hooray: :hooray: :snoopy:

glassquill
05-29-2007, 12:58 PM
I want this book, Quill! Oh, I have to have manners? Hmmm. Okay. PPPLLLLEEEASSSEEE gimme the the book.
I'm hooked!
Love stuff like this...


Well, I'd be honoured if you wish to beta read it once I'm done with it. :)

Honestly, I owe you one anyway. :Hug2: Thank to you, I get the feeling that I might have something worthwhile this time. Unlike the others that are lurking around the bottom of my desk drawer. :tongue

Inky
05-29-2007, 01:48 PM
Well, I'd be honoured if you wish to beta read it once I'm done with it. :)

Honestly, I owe you one anyway. :Hug2: Thank to you, I get the feeling that I might have something worthwhile this time. Unlike the others that are lurking around the bottom of my desk drawer. :tongue

:e2flowers :e2BIC: Yep yep..I'll beta-read. So...get to typin'!!!

Tasmin21
05-29-2007, 02:56 PM
Interesting exerpt, Tasmin21. It does raise a few intriguing questions. What is the dangerous thing that this character has to do? Why does he have to do it? I mean, most people aren't going to stick their necks out for another person unless there's a really good reason.

Just thought I'd give you my impression of your snippet. :)


Thanks for being curious, Glassquill! ;)

Andre_Laurent
05-29-2007, 03:45 PM
Behind the door is a large cavern with numerous niches carved into the stone walls. In each niche is a bundle of bones wrapped up in a specially treated skin and topped with a skull. The place doesn't bother Aleanna in the least, but I don't think Luesyn will handle it too well. He's been living a life surrounded by beautiful things and cute fluffy bunnies, so to speak.
Ooooh, I love tormenting characters like Luesyn. That's how my mc started out...before I gave him a rude awakening...literally. :D

Inky
05-29-2007, 05:13 PM
"Zeus is not immune to Lady Fate’s fury. And if she calls in her sister, Destiny, we are all doomed to suffer paths that were not originally meant for us to tread. You must return to Aunsgar.”
“I have never heard of this Aunsgar. How do I know you’re not like Portimus and wish nothing more than trickery?”
Sister Wind tossed her hair, snow flakes fluttering wildly. “Seek your answers in your own way. When the goddess Dawn treads across this bitter cold Ryn’s temper has caused, I will await you at the forest's edge. You will be protected, but you will not be allowed to change your mind once you enter Spinster Woods. I take my leave, Kitairna. Until tomorrow’s first light. . .” snow fell heavily before being gusted back upward, swirling, then rocketing out the open terrace doors. Kit flinched, the doors slamming shut. Deeply chilled, she sought the solace a hot bath always provided. But a periphoral flickering caused her to look again at the massive gilt mirror as she passed by.
Guards posted in the long, winding corridor flinched at the eruption of banshee like screams coming from within the royal chambers. Battering the door with frenzied concern, they began slamming their bodies against the ornately carved heavy barriers as the screams escalated.
“Move!” Ryn’s voice thundered, his body hovering as he rocketed towards the now frantic guardsmen. Muttering an ancient command, Ryn swept his hand, the door blasting inward.
"Ryn!"
Not a second too soon, the Fey prince grappled the thick tall mirror, spinning it on its heavy gold stand, and thrust it downward, snatching Kit away in time to avoid the explosion of glass as it smashed against the floor. . .and the arm that had been reaching for his wife.