View Full Version : Bad To The Bone

MacAl Stone
08-02-2004, 09:25 AM
The Bulwer-Lytton contest has its own cult following--and there is a certain seductive quality to really bad--er, no--very, very, very bad writing...

I'm sure some of you already see where I'm going with this :grin

so c'mon, Writers, what's the worst damage you can do to the language? How really awful can you be? Shake it up, mix your metaphors, confuse your verb-tenses, confound your readers...but still tell a story.

Then post it on a public board for all the world to see :rofl

08-02-2004, 09:26 AM
Back away, Mac. No. Bad, bad, bad.

MacAl Stone
08-02-2004, 09:28 AM

08-02-2004, 12:37 PM
Mac, why don't we save ourselves a lot of trouble and declare you the winner right now? Nothing can beat your Doom Dragon story.

MacAl Stone
08-02-2004, 07:42 PM
awwwwww--Reph, that's so sweet to say...But I KNOW it isn't true, you can write MUCH worse than me...


that didn't come out quite right...:hug

08-02-2004, 08:53 PM
Have you had a look at my latest creation on the "New Game" thread? :grin

08-03-2004, 02:06 AM
Rosalee stormed into the room, like a really big storm with hurricane force winds and rain that would remind one of cats and dogs, if one was an animal lover, which she wasn't.

She waved the report card under her brother's nose like it were a very large and bright carrot dangling in front of the proverbial stubborn and braying donkey.

"I'm telling mom," she said in her annoying sing-song voice. Brendan thought of it as sing-song because mostly she had in the past used it for singing songs. Mostly the theme from Gilligan's Island, but she knew other ones too also. "You flunked your english class again," she chortled through her nose, and possible her ears as well, if chortling was something she could do through her ears, that is. Which it might be.

*pause here for breath*

"So, tell her," said Brendan boredly. He really didn't give a big rat's rear end or front parts for that matter, about his failings in the class of english. He was gonna be a writer one day and it didn't matter what that Mr. Eggers said about his ability to construct coherent sentences that formed a single thought that wasn't about football and stuff.

Suddenly, an alien invasion swept out of the sky but not like sweeping with brooms, more like the sweeping of a very gigantic Vacuum Cleaner of DOOM sucking the astonishment from the viewers on the ground below. The alines with their MIGHTY gigantic heads beamed down out of the sky and opened the kitchen door.

The explosions rocked the earth like giant balls of flatulence extruded from the Very Mighty Rear End of the Creator Himself.

[Okay, somebody else must take over now. I think I hurt myself] :ack

Edited to correct Vacuum Cleaner of DOOM.

08-03-2004, 02:51 AM
The man hid behind the car and I heard a loud boom as a bullet raced by my ear. I squeezed the trigger and watched flame lick out from the barrel. Except, it's not really a barrel. You couldn't put pickles in it. Well, maybe those baby jerkins. Ha! I said jerkin! No, it's more like a short piece of pipe encased in some kind of metallic housing. Not that anyone lives in there. Too small. The rent would be soooo low but there's no place for an entertainment center or my waterbed. Besides, how could you stand the flames licking out the end? But, do flames really lick? Does fire have a sense of taste? I've seen some really well-dressed fires, so I suppose they do. But I think most fires would be homebodies, if they had bodies...and a home.
Wait a minute. The guy behind the car is asking me to shoot him.

08-03-2004, 03:19 AM
Lacey slid down the long curvy smooth (like ice cream sundae on a very hot moist day) sliding banister when I caught her in a frilly pink dress exposing her creamy breasts like two scoops of cherry ice cream on a very hot moist day. My groin felt like a fireball in east Texas where my good friend Miguel once told me women were like strawberries with whipped cream even though I wasn't sure what he really meant. Even though I was really diabetic I couldn't help but think about smooth creamy ice cream on a hot moist day. Anyway, Lacey crashed into my arms like a lumpy wet blanket and I suddenly realized I was in pain. Sixty two hours of yearning for a woman so divine as Lacey the beauty queen from west Texas where the flowers didn't grow until the sky said "Hello, soldiers!" would do something to a soldier as virile as I was after earning three purple heart and a medal of honor for saving my best friend's Miguel's life. All we really wanted on that fateful day was a scoop of peach ice cream.

MacAl Stone
08-03-2004, 03:34 AM
:rofl :snoopy :ha
I just KNEW ya'll couldn't resist for long...I'' put something up when I get home from work tonight

fair is fair, and all :ack

08-03-2004, 03:41 AM
Barb started it!

Crap, now I can't write today. I don't think I'd have anything to submit tonight, Lori! Oh wait, I submitted crap before, so what's the difference, right?

08-03-2004, 05:51 AM
After reading your latest submission, maestro, I can't write either.

Lori Basiewicz
08-03-2004, 06:28 AM
Eh. What's your current working title, Maestro? CTN, I believe. No excuses.

32 minutes remaining

08-03-2004, 06:58 AM
:rollin :rollin :rollin

MacAl Stone
08-03-2004, 09:23 AM
Right, then, Akbad told himself, without saying anything out loud. He straightened in the saddle of his mighty black destrier-steed and sallied forth onto the battlefield, banners waving gaily from the tip of his lance making a brilliant splash of color against the bare, dun-colored sand. Spurring the horse mercilessly, slashing and hacking at it’s heaving sides with his mailed and booted and spur-studded heels, the steed soon galloped at full-blast toward the Doom Dragon.

The enourmous, dread beast turned it’s mighty head to watch the tiny figure of horse and rider approach, dragged in a long breath, and released a mighty gout of blue flame-jet that instantly seared Akbad’s flesh from his bones and boiled his dripping sweat inside the inconvenient armor. Eldor turns to run, but far too late to effect his escape. The next gout of flame polished him off toasted like a marshmallow held to close to the fire.

The Doom Dragon regarded the princess Marion cynically, then glomped his enormous jaws right over her, leaving only one tiny pink-slippered foot and cutting her scream off quite abruptly. “They just never learn,” he says, shaking his big, massive, huge head.


08-03-2004, 09:24 AM
Hey, you recycled!

08-03-2004, 09:29 AM
That Mac is such a showoff, isn't she?

MacAl Stone
08-03-2004, 09:30 AM
What, Ray--you really thought I was gonna embarrass myself like that TWICE?

08-04-2004, 07:18 AM
Her red hair exploded into wild strands of shock seemingly knotted up but actually secured neatly with twist ties from a thousand old bread wrappers. Her green eyes glowed hot and neon like those new blue headlights that actually ARE the brightest bulbs in the forest. Her white lips cackled a staccato schizofrenzied laugh as if the writing on the trees was legible. Her yellow nails begged, “Paint me! Paint me!” but she bit them off in mid sentence. Her orange whatchamacallit hung open. She grabbed the microphone and tearfully sang, “Song Sung Blue.”

08-04-2004, 07:20 AM
but she bit them off in mid sentence...


:ha :ha :ha

08-04-2004, 09:18 AM

I'll have to think something up... :evil

08-04-2004, 12:46 PM
(This message was left blank)

08-04-2004, 05:42 PM
The car was a car but it wasn't a car. It was a spaceship from Sirius. And it was in Cleveland. Six aliens got out and breathed carefully. "Jeez, this place stinks," said the alien king.
"And I've smelled just about every planet in this galaxy." "Do we have to stay, Brave-Alien-King-Who-Has-Smelled-Everywhere?" Alien Junior was nervous. "I mean, you can't rollerskate in a buffalo herd, right?" The other aliens shuffled 'round him and stared.Their greenness bounced off his greenness so they all looked more green, or even greener than that. Alien Junior chortled. "One o'clock at the glue factory!" Alien the Second shook his very conical head, and put a thought blocker helmet on Junior's very conical head. "He's absorbing thought waves from the locals, again. I hate when that happens." Alien Junior, gasping, shouted, "We are family--I've got all my sisters and me," and then, "Have a nice day!" He tossed his alien cookies into the air, and the other aliens caught them all, lock, stock and barrel.


Gosh, that felt great. -- Lisa

MacAl Stone
08-04-2004, 07:18 PM
:jump told ya'll it was fun

08-04-2004, 09:45 PM
he, he, he...

Story ideas from the banner ads: Antichrist or Alien? Aliens vs Predators... I'll be back soon. :grin

Kida Adelyn
08-04-2004, 11:07 PM
these are my bad creations, made with play-doh.
The Knight Who Fights in His Pajamas Saves the Princess of Play-doh Land From the Dragon (http://www.geocities.com/moyhop42/play-doh/rescue01.html)

Repunzle (http://www.geocities.com/moyhop42/play-doh/repunzle01.html)

I'm gonna put more up eventually, but this is one of the many things i do in my spare time. Please don't mind the spelling.


08-04-2004, 11:18 PM

Yeshanu has taught you well.

But where's the fish?

You should consider posting it in Share Your Work for critique. <eg>

08-04-2004, 11:19 PM
You should consider posting it in Share Your Work for critique

Don't do it. Trust me just this once...

Kida Adelyn
08-04-2004, 11:33 PM
You should have heard the version of Goldilocks and the three bears I told to the girls at the camp I worked at last week.
I'll probably do that one some time. It was pretty awful.:grin

08-05-2004, 01:12 AM
C'mon, when do you ever listen to your mom anyway? SYW needs you.

08-05-2004, 01:20 AM
Kida did we warn you about Maestro yet? He's an antagonizer... (but we still :heart him.)

Btw, :ha . That was great!!!

Kida Adelyn
08-05-2004, 02:45 AM
Thanks! I'm thinking of doing LOTR in play-doh as well.;)

08-05-2004, 07:11 AM
well, I have already critiqued Mac's doom dragon story, shall I take a go on the rest of these?


Lori Basiewicz
08-05-2004, 08:14 AM

08-05-2004, 12:03 PM
I'm thinking of doing LOTR in play-doh as well.There isn't enough Play-doh in the world to do LOTR. You'd be better off doing Moby Dick. At least, it's all one color.

08-05-2004, 12:13 PM
"well, I have already critiqued Mac's doom dragon story, shall I take a go on the rest of these?"

Nice of you to offer, but I don't need a critique. I just need a barf bag.

08-05-2004, 07:54 PM
But Reph, in this thread, you're supposed to need a barf bag!


08-05-2004, 10:28 PM
try to ignore these clowns... they mean no harm [i hope!]...

let's work on this one in private, ok?... why don't you send it to me and we'll see if we can figure out what it needs to elicit gasps of awe instead of a slew of non sequiturs from my fun-seeking forum-mates...

love and hugs, maia

08-06-2004, 12:50 AM

08-06-2004, 07:32 AM
maia and Mr. Angel,

I'm not sure if you quite understand the spirit of the thread -- this is not the place to post if you've got serious stuff and want serious feedback. This is the place to post if your stuff is bad, and you know it's bad, and you want us to groan... :grin

Anyhow, if ya understand, well and good...


If you've misunderstood, SYW or a private conference might be what you need...

08-06-2004, 11:58 AM
I apologize

posts deleted

08-06-2004, 07:36 PM
it was clear to me that the poor newbie had wandered into the pigeon potty by mistake ;) , so i was just trying to give him a graceful way to exit with his pride intact...

hugs, m

ps: btw, that :ack y black widow gives me the willies, so i won't be wandering in here again, either!... if that's a welcome, i'd hate t'see your idea of a 'get lost!' yesh... on second thought, please DON'T let me see it!!!:gone

09-04-2006, 12:35 AM
Oooo cool. Why did this die?

"Janie felt like she was followed for longer than she could imagine, like someone had tied up to her with some kind of invisible string that tugged at the back of her consciousness and she couldn't help but remember the time her brother Stewart had followed her through the whole city just to see her getting scared, and she promised herslef that this time she wouldn't get scared because it was probably him again.

Until. She remembered her brother had been dead for a while."

09-04-2006, 01:36 AM
oh good lord....is this ever a blast from the past...

09-04-2006, 02:36 AM
She said in a sibilant sigh, "Say, slice some of the strawberries sideways for Sean's sorbet.

09-15-2006, 01:11 AM
I LOVE this thread! How come I never noticed it before??

Sitting in a sidewalk cafe in East Texas having mint juleps with Ray's good friend Miguel was quickly wearing me down. My crisply starched Ralph Lauren western-style blouse was starting to wilt and I was starting to feel that dampness in my panties. You know -- that dampness that usually leads to those embarassingly dark horizontal lines across the folds in the upper thighs of your jeans when you get up? Redheaded Brenda Starr type girls the big city just do not sweat -- at least not in those places.

So, I'm listening to Miguel tell me dirty stories about Ray when suddenly I look up and my eyes hone in on just about the hottest man on earth. My jeans immediately begin soaking up the sweat as I watch him walking toward me down the dusty street. His walk could only be described as "ambling" -- his hips casually swinging side to side in the opposite direction of his big hands as though he knew he was hot and the rest of the world should, too. Yes, he had big hands. Really big hands.

The bulge in his Levi's button fly jeans was easily world class. It completely filled the allotted groin area of the jeans and trailed noticeably down the left leg. As tight as those jeans were, it was amazing the little guy had room to breathe in there. I smiled. I think I licked my lips, too. I do so love a man who leans to the left -- politically and otherwise.

As he got closer, my eyes trailed upwards past the rodeo belt buckle to the four open buttons on his plaid shirt. Oh yes, I counted them all -- one by one -- wondering exactly what I would have to do to unbutton the rest of them. His well-worn Stetson cast a shadow over eyes as blue as the sky over the Alamo. I downed my mint julep and frantically ordered another.

As he reached the cafe, he paused long enough to tip that Stetson and mutter the standard Texas greeting, "Howdy Ma'am". I began wondering what the penalty was for assaulting a cowboy right in the middle of the street in East Texas. I swallowed hard and nodded back. I may even have batted my eyelashes just a little.

As he continued on down the street, I found myself craving a peek at the rear view of this lucious piece of Texas Grade A beef. I realized it would be rude to turn my back on Miguel. but I got the distinct feeling that even my companion was interested in finding out if our cowboy was as hot going as he was coming.

He didnt disappoint. The seat of those Levis were painted over a pair of buns that would have made Sarah Lee envious. They were slightly faded on the parts that came in contact with the saddle. I immedately began to wonder if I had any quarters in my purse for a ride. In fact, had he been the pony outside Walmart, I would have gotten a roll of quarters and ridden all day. Now, I've seen buns you could bounce a quarter off, but these were buns that would easily make a whole dollar do backflips. Be still my heart!

As the cowboy faded into the sunset, I turned back to Miguel who was busy ordering strawberries and whipped cream. Now, what was he saying about Ray again???

09-18-2006, 01:17 AM
I LOVE this thread! How come I never noticed it before??

'Cause it was on the very last page. But it IS a great thread :D

Sally ran away from her captors and their death threats. Bullets whistled past her, striking the pavement near her feet. It was a very hot day. The soles of her shoes burned, like the time her brother had convinced her to walk on top of the lit fireplace. That had been a very fun year, until her brother had gotten run over by a truck. Then it had stopped being fun. She still missed her brother a lot.

10-22-2007, 12:15 AM

10-22-2007, 12:16 AM
What an interesting thread! My, this MacAl person does write good stories about akbad, doesn't she! We should all let Mac know we want more.

10-22-2007, 12:23 AM

10-22-2007, 12:27 AM

She does that a lot.

(explains the writing quality... :D )

10-22-2007, 01:19 AM
Just think, someday, if I work really hard I, too, will be able to write like that. And sad to say, I'm not even joking....:cry:

10-22-2007, 03:23 AM
The dark cloud came creeping in over the somnolent city like an olive-green sleeping bag stained with purple. Filomena tilted her head and looked upward, gazing at the gathering storm. Would Horace return soon? Would he arrive in time, glowing with manly courage and carrying the prize he had so valiantly vowed to find? Or would he, like so many others before him, return as a broken reed, a lost soul who had failed to meet his sacred duty in the midst of burgeoning chaos? Each tender pink blossom on her bodice moved in synchrony with her heaving bosom. Marat, her poodle, snuggled into her lap, his liquid brown eyes beseeching her to give him another munchie. "Be patient, Marat," Filomena breathed. "Horace will return. I feel it in the cockles of my heart."


© 2007 by Nymtoc. Don't anybody dare plagiarize this!