Rewrite this sentence

triceretops · Dec 4, 2004

"I contained the irrevocable, yet persistent dire feeling that my eyes had, without provocation, perused a most contemptuous act of horrific slaughter, being that it wasn't beyond my estimation to admit that the unmovable form lying in the proximity of the guttural grate was terminally deceased, judging by the numerous cylindrical puncture holes infiltrating the corpse."

There are many things wrong with this sentence. Rewrite this sentence using your own style and color. What would an editor like to see here? I know that I see this type of writing more than I'd like to think, almost everywhere, even is some published books. More than grammar or syntax, try for clarity.

Here would be an editor's version of that sentence:

"I could plainly see that it was a corpse, apparently a gun shot victim."

Here's my version with a touch of style.

"I couldn't believe it; it was corpse, a lonely tattered heap shot full of holes."

Just one aspect I didn't like about it: Eyes don't have provocation. People do. What else do you see besides syntax and grammar?

Triceratops

maestrowork · Dec 4, 2004

Overwrought. Pretentious. Convoluted. Too much telling... the list goes on...

How I'd edit it? It depends on the genre, I suppose. But if it's mystery, I'd probably do:

To my horror, the man was already dead with multiple gunshot wounds."

bfdc · Dec 5, 2004

Hehehe. If I were an editor and read that at the top of the page, I'd close the file and return it with my apologies for not having time to finish it.

On the other hand, if I were an editor working for a publisher and being paid by the hour, I'd be rubbing my hands together and looking for that new printer I'd like to get.

My edit:

Ah, jeeze, the guy was dead, shot full of holes.

Did I spell "jeeze" right?

Bob/bfdc

AprilBoo · Dec 5, 2004

If I were editing this, I would have stopped after "horrific slaughter" unless I were contractually obligated to continue. What a ridiculous way to describe seeing a dead body. There's a logic problem in the end of the sentence too - if the bullets infiltrated the corpse, then the guy was already dead when he was shot, and you still don't know what the cause of death is.

Depending on context, I might try this:

His death was unwelcome reality. I saw his body, bloodied and torn through by bullets, lying lifeless on the concrete.

By the way - where did this sentence come from? Care to share?

triceretops · Dec 5, 2004

April,

I'd prefer not to share the exact source other than to say it came from another writing group entirely. It did not originate here. I've crittered about 30 fiction shorts and found that about 22 of them had similar or less than catastrophic writing styles. This has been in the last two months. I know that most of these are neophytes and testing the waters before they make the big jump. And the big jump to them is actually posting in writing groups--fear of ridicule, the reason for hesitancy.
I remember all too well my own stumbling beginnings as a budding writer, so I'm really trying to assist these beginners without inflammatory bias. The surprise is their stories have well thought out plots, theme, good characterization and other elements that make their stories quite fascinating and original. It just boggles my mind how SO MANY writers have somehow glossed over the simple basics. I encourage all new beginners to read the many fine instructional articles in groups such as this before they attempt fingers to keys. To ignore good advice from other professionals firsthand, is to continue on down a dirt road to nowhere with all bad habits intact and compounding.

Triceratops

rhymegirl · Dec 6, 2004

This long, pompous-sounding sentence sounds like something Dr. Frasier Crane would say. If he said it in dialogue I think it would be funny. Otherwise, it's poorly written, overly wordy, etc.

aka eraser · Dec 6, 2004

A lot of neophyte writers fall into Multi-syllablic Syndrome, thinking it'll impress the heck out of readers. "Simple is good" can be a tough lesson to get across.

"A blind man could see the guy was dead; he had more holes than a page from the Braille Bible."

AprilBoo · Dec 6, 2004

Rewrite the Sentence

Tri-

I wasn't trying to hamstring any new writers - I thought maybe this came from something published.

I just recently finished my first workshop, and I don't mind saying I was terrified about putting my work up on the chopping block. I didn't know where I fell on the continuum with the other writers in the group and was afraid I would embarrass myself. I'm glad to hear you're taking such an even-handed approach with your criticisms. I had a similarly even-handed teacher in my workshop - she stressed paying as much attention to the structure of your story as the writing, and that helped me relieve some of my own overblown writing and concentrate on being more elegant.

Vipersniper · Mar 14, 2005

My rewrite.

The novice nurse after taking the pulse of the deceased found that he was graveyard dead, while the charge nurse noted the eighteen hour holes in his head revealed the dirty floor beneath his bed.

Believe me this is no lie and it happened at a nursing home where I worked. When asked if she had made the bed check the student nurse had logged down that the resident appeared to be sleeping. And the roomate was agitated about something. Taken from my experience and a thirty page document sent to the Department of health. Written by me upon inquiry into the resident's death.

whitehound · Mar 16, 2005

I feel that the re-write should aim to capture what the original writer was trying to say, including the mood, as closely as possible. Given that, I'd re-write this as something like:

"Judging from the several holes I could see punched through it, I had a horrible, creeping certainty that the body lying by the grating was dead."

Bunkly · Mar 19, 2005

He was dead; had been shot through many times.

Obviously it's taken out of context, but that's the basic sentence. I'm not sure if somebody who had been shot several times would be "full of holes" - I think they'd just be a messy pulp really.

Billy

brokenfingers · Mar 19, 2005

triceretops said:
"I contained the irrevocable, yet persistent dire feeling that my eyes had, without provocation, perused a most contemptuous act of horrific slaughter, being that it wasn't beyond my estimation to admit that the unmovable form lying in the proximity of the guttural grate was terminally deceased, judging by the numerous cylindrical puncture holes infiltrating the corpse."

There are many things wrong with this sentence. Rewrite this sentence using your own style and color. What would an editor like to see here? I know that I see this type of writing more than I'd like to think, almost everywhere, even is some published books. More than grammar or syntax, try for clarity.

Here would be an editor's version of that sentence:

"I could plainly see that it was a corpse, apparently a gun shot victim."

Here's my version with a touch of style.

"I couldn't believe it; it was corpse, a lonely tattered heap shot full of holes."

Just one aspect I didn't like about it: Eyes don't have provocation. People do. What else do you see besides syntax and grammar?

Triceratops

Upon discovering his body laying in the gutter and riddled with bulletholes, I knew without a doubt - he was dead as disco.

Moondancer · Mar 19, 2005

"I contained the irrevocable, yet persistent dire feeling that my eyes had, without provocation, perused a most contemptuous act of horrific slaughter, being that it wasn't beyond my estimation to admit that the unmovable form lying in the proximity of the guttural grate was terminally deceased, judging by the numerous cylindrical puncture holes infiltrating the corpse."

Judging by the number of bullet holes, the murderer was either a bad shot or really wanted to make sure the victim was dead.

Birol · Mar 19, 2005

"I contained the irrevocable, yet persistent dire feeling that my eyes had, without provocation, perused a most contemptuous act of horrific slaughter, being that it wasn't beyond my estimation to admit that the unmovable form lying in the proximity of the guttural grate was terminally deceased, judging by the numerous cylindrical puncture holes infiltrating the corpse."

I wanted to turn away but was transfixed by the bullet-ridden corpse lying in the gutter.

SeanDSchaffer · Mar 19, 2005

"I contained the irrevocable, yet persistent dire feeling that my eyes had, without provocation, perused a most contemptuous act of horrific slaughter, being that it wasn't beyond my estimation to admit that the unmovable form lying in the proximity of the guttural grate was terminally deceased, judging by the numerous cylindrical puncture holes infiltrating the corpse."

That sentence is one of the longest, most difficult-to-understand sentences I have ever read, but I'll definitely give it a shot.

"I wished I hadn't looked; the body was so full of bullet-holes that I could barely tell it was human."

Julie Worth · Mar 19, 2005

The form lying next to the grate was dead. It didn’t move, anyway. And it was full of bullet holes. Those were the facts. But dammit, I wasn’t a reporter for the evening newspaper. I was a novelist, a novelist! I pulled out my Thesaurus and flipped it open. Fighting the bile that rose in my throat, I put pen to paper and began, “I contained the irrevocable...”

Moondancer · Mar 19, 2005

Quote:

"I contained the irrevocable, yet persistent dire feeling that my eyes had, without provocation, perused a most contemptuous act of horrific slaughter, being that it wasn't beyond my estimation to admit that the unmovable form lying in the proximity of the guttural grate was terminally deceased, judging by the numerous cylindrical puncture holes infiltrating the corpse."

The best I can say for it is it contains too many adjectives that do absolutely nothing except get in the way.

Oh, and the sentence I put up there wasn't meant to be facetious... that's how I'd translate the muckety muck we started with. I hope nobody took it as sarcasm.

Galoot · Mar 19, 2005

"I contained the irrevocable, yet persistent dire feeling that my eyes had, without provocation, perused a most contemptuous act of horrific slaughter, being that it wasn't beyond my estimation to admit that the unmovable form lying in the proximity of the guttural grate was terminally deceased, judging by the numerous cylindrical puncture holes infiltrating the corpse."

I almost walked past the man laying in the gutter, guessing he was just another wino sleeping it off. In this part of town you see them all the time. It was his expensive suit that made me look twice. It was plainly out of character. Then I noticed the bullet holes. If he was a wino he was a well-dressed one, and almost certainly dead.

brokenfingers · Mar 19, 2005

triceretops said:
"I contained the irrevocable, yet persistent dire feeling that my eyes had, without provocation, perused a most contemptuous act of horrific slaughter, being that it wasn't beyond my estimation to admit that the unmovable form lying in the proximity of the guttural grate was terminally deceased, judging by the numerous cylindrical puncture holes infiltrating the corpse."

Triceratops

Damn, he was dead.

Paint · Mar 24, 2005

Dead guy

The last post will be hard to beat.

Too wordy. Causes eyes to glaze over. Reader begins to mentally review the contents of fridge, or whatever.

"I could see it was a dead guy lying in the gutter, shot to pieces."

Ralyks · Mar 28, 2005

Rewrite

Yes, that was a bad sentence, but how about this one, from a PUBLISHED work of CLASSIC literature by a FAMOUS author?
"By this however, the Number of People in the whole may be judg'd of; and indeed, I often wondered, that after the prodigious Numbers of People that went away at first, there was yet so great a Multitude left, as it appear'd there was."

Heck, Defoe or Poe or Lovecraft might have come up with something like the monstrosity below. (But it would at least have been more accurate.)

"I contained the irrevocable, yet persistent dire feeling that my eyes had, without provocation, perused a most contemptuous act of horrific slaughter, being that it wasn't beyond my estimation to admit that the unmovable form lying in the proximity of the guttural grate was terminally deceased, judging by the numerous cylindrical puncture holes infiltrating the corpse."

MadScientistMatt · Mar 31, 2005

I choked back my vomit as I stared, horrified, at the body. He must have had made someone very mad to have been worked over like this with a machine gun.

JAlpha · Mar 31, 2005

triceretops said:
"I contained the irrevocable, yet persistent dire feeling that my eyes had, without provocation, perused a most contemptuous act of horrific slaughter, being that it wasn't beyond my estimation to admit that the unmovable form lying in the proximity of the guttural grate was terminally deceased, judging by the numerous cylindrical puncture holes infiltrating the corpse."

Triceratops

Wouldn't ya know, I would have to turn it into a haiku!

unmovable form
near the guttural grate
the punctured corpse

JAlpha

Optimus · Apr 12, 2005

"I contained the irrevocable, yet persistent dire feeling that my eyes had, without provocation, perused a most contemptuous act of horrific slaughter, being that it wasn't beyond my estimation to admit that the unmovable form lying in the proximity of the guttural grate was terminally deceased, judging by the numerous cylindrical puncture holes infiltrating the corpse."

"Hole-y dead guy, Batman!"

Anatole Ghio · Apr 12, 2005

triceretops said:
"I contained the irrevocable, yet persistent dire feeling that my eyes had, without provocation, perused a most contemptuous act of horrific slaughter, being that it wasn't beyond my estimation to admit that the unmovable form lying in the proximity of the guttural grate was terminally deceased, judging by the numerous cylindrical puncture holes infiltrating the corpse."

I saw a dead man lying in the gutter. It gave me a bad feeling, a really bad feeling. Not just because he was dead, but because he was dead, lying in the gutter, and filled with bullet holes.

Rewrite this sentence

triceretops

maestrowork

bfdc

AprilBoo

triceretops

rhymegirl

aka eraser

AprilBoo

Vipersniper

whitehound

Resident rodent-freak

Bunkly

brokenfingers

Walkin' That Road

Moondancer

Birol

Around and About

SeanDSchaffer

Julie Worth

What? I have a title?

Moondancer

Galoot

I am a pretty pretty flower

brokenfingers

Walkin' That Road

Paint

Warrior of Truth

Ralyks

Untold stories inside

MadScientistMatt

Empirical Storm Trooper

JAlpha

Smilie Fanatic

Optimus

Anatole Ghio

Ironic Paranormal