Re: Micro-flash challenge
One light shone in the otherwise empty room.
Then I saw you. My sister, in your white pajamas, your face gaunt and pale. I let out a breath as you turned to me and smiled.
You knew. Tommy Sutton had been executed an hour before for his crime. You knew.
"I gotta go, Danny," you said. You smiled one more time before disappearing with the light.
I didn't forget. "Happy Birthday," I yelled, my words swallowed by the dark space.
Tomorrow would have been your seventh birthday. I just wanted you to know, that I loved you.
One light shone in the otherwise empty room.
Then I saw you. My sister, in your white pajamas, your face gaunt and pale. I let out a breath as you turned to me and smiled.
You knew. Tommy Sutton had been executed an hour before for his crime. You knew.
"I gotta go, Danny," you said. You smiled one more time before disappearing with the light.
I didn't forget. "Happy Birthday," I yelled, my words swallowed by the dark space.
Tomorrow would have been your seventh birthday. I just wanted you to know, that I loved you.
Re: Micro-flash challenge
maestrowork, exactly. So many levels here to discover and wonder about. Spooky.
maestrowork, exactly. So many levels here to discover and wonder about. Spooky.
Re: Micro-flash challenge
One light shone in the otherwise empty room.
Then I saw you. My sister, in your white pajamas, your face gaunt and pale. I let out a breath as you turned to me and smiled.
I feel the release of tension and hope here.
You knew. Tommy Sutton had been executed an hour before for his crime. You knew.
Sorrow, pain.
"I gotta go, Danny," you said. You smiled one more time before disappearing with the light.
I wondered what happened to the light and how that related to the sister.
I didn't forget. "Happy Birthday," I yelled, my words swollowed by the dark space.
The misspelling of "swallowed" brought me out of the story, somewhat. Back to the story, I'm sensing a mystery. Why did the sister leave and why did you wait till she was gone to say happy birthday?
Tomorrow would have been your seventh birthday. I just wanted you to know, that I loved you.
The use of "would have been" indicates that the sister wasn't really there, and she won't be there the next day to have her birthday. I want to know why. I want to know who Tommy is and what he has to do with it. Maybe Tommy, the executed one, is you.
I'm not real great at deducing stuff like emotions, etc., from writing. I always got that kind of thing wrong in school. I think because I was raised by wolves. If I had to say what the overall feeling was, I'd have to say I felt fear and longing in the piece.
Bob/bfdc
One light shone in the otherwise empty room.
Then I saw you. My sister, in your white pajamas, your face gaunt and pale. I let out a breath as you turned to me and smiled.
I feel the release of tension and hope here.
You knew. Tommy Sutton had been executed an hour before for his crime. You knew.
Sorrow, pain.
"I gotta go, Danny," you said. You smiled one more time before disappearing with the light.
I wondered what happened to the light and how that related to the sister.
I didn't forget. "Happy Birthday," I yelled, my words swollowed by the dark space.
The misspelling of "swallowed" brought me out of the story, somewhat. Back to the story, I'm sensing a mystery. Why did the sister leave and why did you wait till she was gone to say happy birthday?
Tomorrow would have been your seventh birthday. I just wanted you to know, that I loved you.
The use of "would have been" indicates that the sister wasn't really there, and she won't be there the next day to have her birthday. I want to know why. I want to know who Tommy is and what he has to do with it. Maybe Tommy, the executed one, is you.
I'm not real great at deducing stuff like emotions, etc., from writing. I always got that kind of thing wrong in school. I think because I was raised by wolves. If I had to say what the overall feeling was, I'd have to say I felt fear and longing in the piece.
Bob/bfdc
Re: Micro-flash challenge
Interesting. I didn't think I left this story wide open for interpretation. Anybody else?
The person who gets my original intention (and the real story) gets a prize.
Anyone else wants to write something?
Interesting. I didn't think I left this story wide open for interpretation. Anybody else?
The person who gets my original intention (and the real story) gets a prize.
Anyone else wants to write something?
Re: Micro-flash challenge
Everything's always open for interpretation.
What emotion does anyone get from my piece below?
~~~
One light shone in the otherwise empty room. Her little reading lamp did its best to dent the darkness, and for what it was worth, it succeeded. If she lay close to it, she could see well enough to read or write, or to close her eyes and know the darkness within was broken, if only subtly.
The roar of the engine outside grabbed her attention. The moving van had arrived.
~~~
Bob/bfdc
Everything's always open for interpretation.
What emotion does anyone get from my piece below?
~~~
One light shone in the otherwise empty room. Her little reading lamp did its best to dent the darkness, and for what it was worth, it succeeded. If she lay close to it, she could see well enough to read or write, or to close her eyes and know the darkness within was broken, if only subtly.
The roar of the engine outside grabbed her attention. The moving van had arrived.
~~~
Bob/bfdc
Re: Micro-flash challenge
Interesting. The arriving moving van was bringing the new furniture to fill up the room. Kind of makes me hopeful, looking forward to filling up the future.
Interesting.
Bob/bfdc
Interesting. The arriving moving van was bringing the new furniture to fill up the room. Kind of makes me hopeful, looking forward to filling up the future.
Interesting.
Bob/bfdc
Re: Micro-flash challenge
It's the sense of the writing -- the lone light, the darkness, etc. that gives me the feelings. Also, "The moving van has arrived" -- didn't tell me it was bringing the furniture. For all I know, it was coming to take away stuff from the rest of the house... that she's moving out, and now yearning for a last moment with her house...
That's what I gleaned from it.
It's the sense of the writing -- the lone light, the darkness, etc. that gives me the feelings. Also, "The moving van has arrived" -- didn't tell me it was bringing the furniture. For all I know, it was coming to take away stuff from the rest of the house... that she's moving out, and now yearning for a last moment with her house...
That's what I gleaned from it.
Re: Micro-flash challenge
Needed one more sentence and an edit.
But the fact that someone could take it either way is good, too.
The light was on in the room. I've moved into places and had about the same, though I'd have taken a radio, pillow, and blanket, for sure.
I'd edit:
The moving van full of furniture had arrived. Now to fill up the emptiness.
Something like that.
Thanks for your comments and time, maestrowork.
Needed one more sentence and an edit.
But the fact that someone could take it either way is good, too.
The light was on in the room. I've moved into places and had about the same, though I'd have taken a radio, pillow, and blanket, for sure.
I'd edit:
The moving van full of furniture had arrived. Now to fill up the emptiness.
Something like that.
Thanks for your comments and time, maestrowork.
Re: Micro-flash challenge
One light shone in the otherwise empty room.
She rubbed her arms to ward off the dampness and cold, as a shiver began at the base of her spine.
Opening the book in her arms she traced the faces pictured there on it's first page. He was gone, they all were.
The acrid smell of smoke rose from the pages to meet her swollen nose and eyes. She closed the book and walked through the door.
One light shone in the otherwise empty room.
She rubbed her arms to ward off the dampness and cold, as a shiver began at the base of her spine.
Opening the book in her arms she traced the faces pictured there on it's first page. He was gone, they all were.
The acrid smell of smoke rose from the pages to meet her swollen nose and eyes. She closed the book and walked through the door.
Answer
It is funny, because your topic realted so much with my answer on the "Writing is" thread.
Here's my answer to your question:
One light shone in the otherwise empty room, a hospital waiting room, but to me this night, no less than a dungeon, the rankest of prisons. Having lost our first child, I doubted my wife could endure another blow like this, as our newborn’s life hung in the balance.
A single word from the surgeon, and not only the fate of my child he held in his hands, but the fate of my family. Could we as a couple endure, I don’t know, but nonetheless, I could only place this too upon the altar.
It is funny, because your topic realted so much with my answer on the "Writing is" thread.
Here's my answer to your question:
One light shone in the otherwise empty room, a hospital waiting room, but to me this night, no less than a dungeon, the rankest of prisons. Having lost our first child, I doubted my wife could endure another blow like this, as our newborn’s life hung in the balance.
A single word from the surgeon, and not only the fate of my child he held in his hands, but the fate of my family. Could we as a couple endure, I don’t know, but nonetheless, I could only place this too upon the altar.
Re: Answer
One light shone in the otherwise empty room.
I noticed it right away, the way your demeanor lit up the area. Too bad no one showed up for the party. That'll bring your happy lil pollyanna attitude down a bit. You see sweetie, no one, and I mean no one, thinks as much of you as you do yourself. Except maybe your mama and me. Go home sweetie. You're not ready yet.
One light shone in the otherwise empty room.
I noticed it right away, the way your demeanor lit up the area. Too bad no one showed up for the party. That'll bring your happy lil pollyanna attitude down a bit. You see sweetie, no one, and I mean no one, thinks as much of you as you do yourself. Except maybe your mama and me. Go home sweetie. You're not ready yet.
Re: Answer
The person who gets my original intention (and the real story) gets a prize.
It's a ghost story. Tommy killed the narrator's sister. He probably did some other things to her first.
The person who gets my original intention (and the real story) gets a prize.
It's a ghost story. Tommy killed the narrator's sister. He probably did some other things to her first.
Re: Micro-flash challenge
One light shone in the otherwise empty room.
I should make a wish, she thought. Eddie used to tell me, Hurry up and make your wish before it burns clear down. I'd say, It's my wish, honey, I'll make it when I want. Then he'd do that pretend face at me and we'd laugh.
I could still make a wish. For health, I guess, and to keep going. Another year.
The flame sputtered and went out. A smell of warm wax and charred frosting rose from the little cake.
One light shone in the otherwise empty room.
I should make a wish, she thought. Eddie used to tell me, Hurry up and make your wish before it burns clear down. I'd say, It's my wish, honey, I'll make it when I want. Then he'd do that pretend face at me and we'd laugh.
I could still make a wish. For health, I guess, and to keep going. Another year.
The flame sputtered and went out. A smell of warm wax and charred frosting rose from the little cake.
Re: Micro-flash challenge
My emotions as a reader:
Maestro–warmth and creepiness.
bfdc–about the same as Maestro's reaction. I too thought the van was coming to clean out the rest of the house.
souljoy–something like "You go, girl!" Identification with the narrator and her confidence.
msQTpi–sorry, I didn't know what to make of this one. The situation is unclear: somebody's holding a burning album? I think you left out too much.
My emotions as a reader:
Maestro–warmth and creepiness.
bfdc–about the same as Maestro's reaction. I too thought the van was coming to clean out the rest of the house.
souljoy–something like "You go, girl!" Identification with the narrator and her confidence.
msQTpi–sorry, I didn't know what to make of this one. The situation is unclear: somebody's holding a burning album? I think you left out too much.
Re: Micro-flash challenge
Reph.... ding ding ding... we have a winner! And about your piece, I feel: hope, a touch of sadness (I assume either the narrator is terminally ill, and/or that her husband, Eddie, is gone).
Nateskate: dread, worry, a sliver of hope
Soul: justice, "yeah!"
MsQtpi: creepiness? Even though I'm not sure what it really was about. Possibly a ghost/supernatural story? But it's not clear within the piece itself. It feels unfinished.
Reph.... ding ding ding... we have a winner! And about your piece, I feel: hope, a touch of sadness (I assume either the narrator is terminally ill, and/or that her husband, Eddie, is gone).
Nateskate: dread, worry, a sliver of hope
Soul: justice, "yeah!"
MsQtpi: creepiness? Even though I'm not sure what it really was about. Possibly a ghost/supernatural story? But it's not clear within the piece itself. It feels unfinished.
Re: Micro-flash challenge
I didn't imagine my narrator as terminally ill. Short stories have way too many terminally ill characters. She's old enough that health in general is a concern, and she's alone (widowed, I was thinking). The best part of her life (good marriage) is over. But she's not so depressed that she won't still observe her birthday.
Most of us so far are ignoring the "otherwise empty room" cue. These scenes would take place in furnished rooms.
I didn't imagine my narrator as terminally ill. Short stories have way too many terminally ill characters. She's old enough that health in general is a concern, and she's alone (widowed, I was thinking). The best part of her life (good marriage) is over. But she's not so depressed that she won't still observe her birthday.
Most of us so far are ignoring the "otherwise empty room" cue. These scenes would take place in furnished rooms.
Re: Micro-flash challenge
Yup, it seems like most of these stories can happen in any room, not just empty ones.
Reph, I think it's this line that made me think she could be terminally ill:
For health, I guess, and to keep going. Another year.
But then I realized it had more to do with Eddie being gone, since she talkd about him in past tense.
There are so much in short stories that not everything can be explained fully (not in 100 words anyway), and we really have to read between the lines to get it sometimes.
Yup, it seems like most of these stories can happen in any room, not just empty ones.
Reph, I think it's this line that made me think she could be terminally ill:
For health, I guess, and to keep going. Another year.
But then I realized it had more to do with Eddie being gone, since she talkd about him in past tense.
There are so much in short stories that not everything can be explained fully (not in 100 words anyway), and we really have to read between the lines to get it sometimes.
Re: Micro-flash challenge
I misunderstood the assignment. I thought the idea was to provoke emotion using the given sentence and to keep it under 100 words.
I've been trying to get away from my normal long winded ways and thought it would be a good exercise to take the minimalist approach. Guess not...lol.
I'll catch on sooner or later...promise.
BTW, my character was in the only remaining room of her recently burnt out house, looking at her family photo album that had survived the fire a little worse for wear. When she left the room, she was starting her life over, alone.
I misunderstood the assignment. I thought the idea was to provoke emotion using the given sentence and to keep it under 100 words. I've been trying to get away from my normal long winded ways and thought it would be a good exercise to take the minimalist approach. Guess not...lol.
I'll catch on sooner or later...promise.
BTW, my character was in the only remaining room of her recently burnt out house, looking at her family photo album that had survived the fire a little worse for wear. When she left the room, she was starting her life over, alone.
Re: Micro-flash challenge
A single light shone in the otherwise empty room. Cantwell held the candle in its wind-proof lantern high. "Grave robbers," he thought, "Nothing left but wall hieroglyphs." He studied the unspeakably ancient symbols. The flame guttered in the stale air. His shadow grew large. It jumped and danced among the stylized figures that had guided some lord into his afterworld when humanity was young. Writing had powers then. Cantwell felt the weight of time like the weight of the stone. The figures began to move with the flickering shadow. He stepped toward the entrance. Then the light died.
A single light shone in the otherwise empty room. Cantwell held the candle in its wind-proof lantern high. "Grave robbers," he thought, "Nothing left but wall hieroglyphs." He studied the unspeakably ancient symbols. The flame guttered in the stale air. His shadow grew large. It jumped and danced among the stylized figures that had guided some lord into his afterworld when humanity was young. Writing had powers then. Cantwell felt the weight of time like the weight of the stone. The figures began to move with the flickering shadow. He stepped toward the entrance. Then the light died.
Re: Micro-flash challenge
Great work, Oaksjack. Nice use of short and long sentences.
MsQTi, you have the idea exactly. Some people don't like to stay within the 100-word limit, but this is the Internet and about anything goes. As long as the exercise sparks some creativity, that's the important thing.
I like the idea of staying within the 100 words and trying to evoke an emotion as a way to tighten writing. We all need to tighten our writing. At the same time, the piece needs to be understandable for what it is. Make sense? Probably not. But you have the idea, anyway.
Bob/bfdc
Great work, Oaksjack. Nice use of short and long sentences.
MsQTi, you have the idea exactly. Some people don't like to stay within the 100-word limit, but this is the Internet and about anything goes. As long as the exercise sparks some creativity, that's the important thing.
I like the idea of staying within the 100 words and trying to evoke an emotion as a way to tighten writing. We all need to tighten our writing. At the same time, the piece needs to be understandable for what it is. Make sense? Probably not. But you have the idea, anyway.
Bob/bfdc
Re: Micro-flash challenge
Thanks for the kind words. I found it a stimulating exercise. I did five vignettes off the "light" sentence and tried to make each one different. I found it hard to play fair with the "empty room." And the setup seemed to point me toward a gloomy or scary scene. My one determined effort to make something cheerful from it came out lame. It was particularly good exercise to trim out things to get to the hundred words.
Thanks for the kind words. I found it a stimulating exercise. I did five vignettes off the "light" sentence and tried to make each one different. I found it hard to play fair with the "empty room." And the setup seemed to point me toward a gloomy or scary scene. My one determined effort to make something cheerful from it came out lame. It was particularly good exercise to trim out things to get to the hundred words.