View Full Version : Opinions please? And critiques too?

Alana Mortensen
05-03-2007, 10:14 AM
This song has been stirring, waiting, and been in the works for 24 years. Is it any good?

*Italics are are meant for instruction purposes only*

Living Coma

-song begins-
Imprisoned within
Forever asleep
Alive in black blankness
Without a voice,
-vocalist says in normal voice-
-word echoes into these vocals-
Hatred caged within
And walls shattered
The enslaved escape
Tormented and enraged
Faded and weak inside
The tormentor reduced to slave
Condemned to his own treats
Want to sleep…
-Vocalist’s voice echoed-
No rest for the wicked
Give into the grave
-emphasized with energy-
Gone into tomorrow
Disgraced and suffering
Eternally broken and hollow
Alive within the depths
Living darkness
Upon the night wind,
Rivers of pain spoken
Fallen upon the deaf
The soul cries
“Someone save me?”
Savior comes
Briingng death to me
Razor sharp teeth sink into tired flesh
And crimson redemption flows
Feeding insatiable hungers
A victim claimed,
Enslaved and free.
The years pass without pause
An endless blur of day and night
Indefensible ground gained
And lost inside this hell
Unseen and disregarded
Hidden behind masks
Feigned emotion worn as deception
Veiled behind curtains
Frigid disguise concealing truth
Within forced assimilation
Barren and empty
Reshaped and turned to dust
-echoed and reverberated-
Caged and defeated
Inside my own mind
A prisoner chained and haunted
The ghost of yesterday screams inside silence
In the throes of insanity gone mad
Nothing left of the sane
-whispered chorus-
Living inside death
Living inside death
Living inside death
-vocalist speaks-
Where am I?
I can’t see.
It’s so dark………..
-whispered and repeated-
-female voice with reverberating echoes-
Open your eyes for me?
-echoing in the darkness deafening sounds of the female crying -
-whispered from a distance-
Come back to me please………….
-vocalist speaks-
-words fade into a whisper-
Show me the way?
-female voice speaking through tears-
Can you hear me?
-vocalist screams-
Wandering in the darkness
Without your light to guide me through
This sea of black seeping through my defenses
Weakened in your absence
Nothing remains
The thief steals inside
These empty and hollow halls
Nothing left for him to pilfer
Broken and tortured
Imprisoned inside cold flesh
Saving grace within reach
-vocals yelled-
Brimstone rain falls
Footsteps upon scorched earth
Lead the way to rest eternal
-break in vocals-
-chorus begins-
Death inside life
Life inside death
Dead inside and Alive inside
Without consciousness
Living life without
Alive inside…………..
Living dead…………
Living inside a Coma
The road laid before me
Veiled by misted shrouds
Voices pierce the mists
From desiccation they come
Scores of slicing razors
And myriad torches
Burning wounds upon fragile minds
Daemons pounce like a feline
And tear my flesh with dagger teeth
And razor claws strip me clean to the bone
A feast for the hungry
Leave me naked
A spectacle for the wicked
Seduce the flesh
Daemon fornication
Sin born of sin

-vocals fade out-
-song is over-


ps this is only #3.

05-03-2007, 06:10 PM
Problem for me is right now it's only a song in your head. Even with instructions in italics. It's all in your head, save for the lyrics. I dare say it's time to break out Audacity(multi-track freeware application for recording and mixing music, has all sorts of nifty junk in it).

Anyway, break out the Audacity and have fun with it's multiple tracks and ability to change pitch. With that one application you can at least sound like all the voices in your head.

05-03-2007, 06:27 PM
I agree with Nolita. Audacity rocks and you can get a mic pretty cheaply these days, like for 10 bucks. Try it. ^o^
Otherwise I think the lyrics are pretty interesting, though maybe a bit long, and I'm wondering how it'll all fit in a song, but that really depends on the music, melody and orchestration.

Alana Mortensen
05-04-2007, 12:19 AM
ok here guys, how do ya use it? And what type of mic is one supposed to use? I have a headset mic.


05-04-2007, 01:33 AM

Read the help files. You record each track individually. Let's say you can play guitar, and you can sing, but can't do both at the same time. Not a problem, record guitar first to one track, then create second track for singing.

Now, let's say you want to create Enyaesque harmonies. Those lush choral arrangements. Again, just record to a seperate track for each voice. For voices that are out of your range, adjust pitch.

It has tons of effects and stuff too. Someone with excellent a capella skills could create an entire song without instruments. Add some beat box skills and woohoo!

Alana Mortensen
05-04-2007, 09:39 AM
oh Nolita, I am sorry to say that is out of my league. DEAD COW for singing. CAN NOT PLAY ANY instrument. I guess I should recruit Peter Steele or Geoff Tate for vocals, eh?

05-04-2007, 07:24 PM
You're making excuses. Not even good writerly excuses(which are all ways to procrastinate). I'm not gonna let you win this one. Say you recruit a singer, how can they sing what's trapped inside your head? What? You gonna perform a Vulcan mind meld? Get real.

I'm revoking your privilege to listen to powerhouse vocalists for a week. You heard me, a week. You're only allowed to listen to Johnny Cash, Lou Reed, Tom Waits, and the theme from The Fallguy for one week. Come back then, tell us you can't sing. Then we'll have to hear it to believe it.

If you can hear it you can sing it, heck, you can pick it out on the piano(will take time without experience but you can). You only need one good take for the vocals. Consider this a karaoke bar with original music. You don't have to be good just brave.

Alana Mortensen
05-04-2007, 10:56 PM
ok Nolita that was a bad move, love because if you heard me sing........ You'd duck tape my mouth shut or maybe superglue it. The only for singing I have is exercise for my lungs. And another bad mve is... Johnny Cash? Pklease don't make me throw up and if you do GET OUT OF THE WAY! unless you want it on you.

Now as for excuses... they are valid. Yes by singing for exercise I have learned a few things like smoking expands lung capacity. I know from experience. Used to smoke for 3 years. I am tone deaf and everything. The only advantage I have is a near perfect memory and being able to let the musiclead me through the vocals. Any tips on how to get into vocal lessons? Always wanted to learn and learn to play guitar but as usual parentals control what I can and can't do.

05-04-2007, 11:03 PM
Huh? Over 24 and parents still control you? None of my business, erase-erase-erase.

Lemme put it this way. I used to think I couldn't sing. Then all I did was start pulling my tummy in, and suddenly I got compliments. Granted I only sing 2 songs in front of other people. Amazing Grace and Miss Chatelaine. I don't sing them in a crowd(I'm shy tee-hee), but will sing in front of friends and family. Pull in your tummy, and just go for it.

Oh and you see? You don't like Johnny Cash. Man's a legend. Not exactly the world's greatest singer though, was he?

05-05-2007, 12:33 AM
oh Nolita, I am sorry to say that is out of my league. DEAD COW for singing. CAN NOT PLAY ANY instrument. I guess I should recruit Peter Steele or Geoff Tate for vocals, eh?

Billy Joel can't sing. That didn't keep him from recording a few of his songs.

05-05-2007, 12:54 AM
Bob Dylan is a terrible singer, but I think he did okay in the music biz. :)

05-05-2007, 03:04 AM
W8 a minute smoked for 3 years? Just 3 years? Quitter.

Alana Mortensen
05-15-2007, 01:17 AM

I don't need lung cancer to go with my other disabillity........ so I quit cold turkey. Then I found out about the benefits I lost because I got into sing GNR's Appetite For Destrcution album, every song too but the duration of the vocals left me breathless and falling short. That was when I discovered controled reathing in relation to singing, unfortunaely it was too late for me at 16 living in Tennesee tofind a vocal coach and been looking ever since. Now it is necessary but I can't get into it. Money and parents prevent it. An help wouldbe appreciated.


05-15-2007, 05:50 AM
Google for voice lessons. Seriously. I remember there are some videos out there somewhere, but don't remember the name. Right now I'm trying to train my ear, because I want to be able to tune a guitar properly without an electronic tuner handy. There's a freeware app for that(google for it), would probably help with singing.

Try recording yourself, and listen to how you sound. I really doubt you're as bad as you think. Again, tuck in your tummy when you sing. It's amazing how just sucking in your gut makes your voice less flat. Oh and breathe through your nose. Sounds daft, but seriously, I can hold notes way longer when I inhale through my nose. I'm not giving Sarah Brightman a run for her money any day, but I don't sound nearly as bad as I used to.

Now be nice to yourself. And I was teasing about you being a quitter, it's a standard smoker's joke. Guess it's been awhile for you.

05-16-2007, 07:43 PM
Can't judge a song without a melody. Oh, and as a musician for most of my life, and an ex-smoker, I can assure you, smoking does NOT help your voice.

Oh, and please don't "pull in your stomach" either. In order to get maximum lung capacity, you need to breathe from your diaphram, which means thrusting your gut out there. Breathe, filling up the bottom of your lungs first, then letting the air fill all the way up into your chest. Make sure it's your bellybutton extending, and not your chest rising, when you take a breath to sing.

If you're trying to control your voice, and that's why you're going to tuck in your stomach, you're working against yourself. Control comes with time. Sure, maybe sucking in your stomach will make you less flat, but then you're more likely to be sharp. Use your vocal chords and experience to control your pitch. If you don't use your diaphram when you sing, you're wasting most of your lung capacity and putting yourself through already nervous brain (at least in a performance setting) through needless oxygen deprivation as you struggle to squeeze out those last notes.