Dundee is a classy city all right #2

Why do I witness an incident of fuckwittery every time I board one of this fine *cough* city's buses?

Am I a twat-magnet? Or could it be that each and every public conveyance is manned by a succession of increasingly unlucid loons?

Today's story:

While returning from the library, optician's, council tax office and bookstore (at which place I purchased this), I encountered such a specimen of stinking vomititiousness that my gag reflex responded in a way I had not encountered since I last had a boyfriend*.

His odour (eau de whoops-I'm-so-drunk-I-pissed-myself) preceded him by about ten feet, as did his voice. I say 'voice' when I actually mean incoherent, drunken growling.

I believe this specimen of Dundonian marvellousness propositioned the conductor and frotted him as he passed. Not a good idea when this is the same guy (the conductor that is) who boards random buses and asks if he can fondle your ticket. He claims it's his job but personally I reckon it's a sexual perversion.

So, the drunken example of care-in-the-community walked - nay, staggered - nay, poured himself - towards the back of the bus where I lurked, hiding behind my poetry anthology desperately trying to look unattractive. Regardez my avatar. A difficult task, I'm sure you'll agree.

I used my carrier bag full of library books and my Waterstone's purchase as a barbed-wire fence to keep him from the No Man's Land of free seating and luckily his double vision must have convinced him there were two of me/us sitting there as he carried on walking/staggering/pouring himself.

Or it could have been he was full of the momentum of the drunken pensioner and could only stop his movement when his face met with the back windscreen of the bus.

Upon such a thud, the bus moved off and the conductor bade a fond farewell to the driver and moved among the great unwashed to check we had all paid our fares. You are allowed to be drunk as a fiddler's bitch on Dundee transport as long as you pay your way, I see.

The conductor finally confronted the drunken, piss-stained, odorous malcontent at the back of the vehicle whereupon he was propositioned/asked for a date. I believe the drunken mumbling translated as, "You gonna be in the pub later, doll?"

At least, I suspect so, from the way the slightly more articulate conductor offered to eject him from the premises unless he kept his hands to himself and STFU.

Ah me...life in this city...who'd live it?





*'Large' Iain.

I was reluctant to do so as I suspected looking into his soul would mean having his liquid breakfast poured all over my freshly-laundered outfit.

I have a feeling this thread could be the second in a looooong series.

Funnily enough, I thought of you while posting it, Chris. I knew the scent of a moving urinal commonly known as a 'Dundee bus' would draw you out.

If it's good enough for Peter Ebdon to recommend, it's good enough for me, you cheeky young whippersnapper. (Fat lot of good it did him, upon meeting Mark Selby across the green baize this year).

I am allowed to call you a whippersnapper as we now reside in different decades of our lives.

And cities.

Were you still here, I doubt you would be such an upstart!

It's endearing really.

And it serves as the perfect foil for my manic tendencies.

On urine-stained buses while having your upstartedness insulted by mentally unstable women?

Why did you ever leave!

Oh...was it the repo-men and the court injunction again?

Poor Chris.

I once dated a man from Arbroath. He both looked like a fish and smelled like one.

Then I got contact lenses, and used pipe cleaners to unblock my nose.

Oh, I do that for fun.

Just never eat anything I cook.

There are fields of a sort right across from my house.

Well...wasteland where the wild things roam and I go a-hunting when I can't be bothered trekking up to Asda. The foaming at the mouth's a bit suspect...but the animals don't seem to mind it.

It wasn't you on the bus was it davids?

clock_work9 said:

Did I mention I had lobster when I was away in Spain, sir?

Click to expand...

Define 'had'.