View Full Version : Lyrics and song -any thoughts?

04-28-2007, 12:43 AM
A pretty while ago I wrote a poem called Goodbye. A while after that I decided to put a melody to it. It was, not my usual style, but somehow it stuck. Now I offer it to you for critique. What do you think of the lyrics and the melody? Keep in mind that the air of the piece is supposed to be oldish and kind of serious, thus the " 'tis " and odd turn of phrase.

Here are the lyrics:


'Tis our last goodbye my friend,
no words are left to say.
I wish there was some way to mend
the rift that cursed fate will lay
within the heart, as we must part.

To all the stories of the old,
and new that time will see,
whatever wonders they may hold,
a parting there must ever be.
For pain is life, and strife.

Let pass the sorrows in the light
and whatever else will be,
rest easy always in the night,
for though not there beside you -
I hold you still, and always will.

And here is the melody/song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZDvq2fGKBk

Thanks for looking,

04-28-2007, 01:18 AM
Very nice, Tessa. Bittersweet. As I've said before you have a lovely voice.


04-28-2007, 01:43 AM
Thanks for the feedback Mike, appreciate it. *offers a cyber hug*

04-28-2007, 11:16 PM
Hey Rivana,

you do have a lovely voice! If you want to continue and improve it to professional standard I strongly recommend you order Kristen Linklater's book 'freeing the natural voice' asap. It has helped me no end, and you will soon discover the true potential of your voice is in fact unlimited.

Regarding the melody, it certainly is beautiful indeed! However, to try and judge a melody without chords is like trying to pass judgment on a salad with no sauce. I strongly recommend you start learning the rules of harmony, get thee to a piano or keyboard, and put in those extra hours (days, weeks, months, years) so that you might have a chance of actually making something of your songs. You obviously are very musical so it shouldn't be too difficult. Where there's a will - there's a way. the alternative - getting someone to work your songs for you - will A) be difficult to find, finance at this stage B) would be cutting you off from the creativity of your work.

oh, and any opinions on my latest post on this thread would be much appreciated, thank you!

04-29-2007, 02:38 AM
Hey dreamy, done deal. Thanks bunches for the feedback and the advice. I probably won't purchase the book right now, but I'm having a gander at the audio material available. I do actually have some harmonic training, but neither piano nor any synth available to me. I thought I'd try out some synthesizers or notation software though, gonna have to brush up on my theory, but what they hey. ^o^

04-29-2007, 03:39 AM
You may wish to explore this site:

http://www.lifehouse-method.com/index.html;jsessionid=EAC85ABF6ED57C853A6F05BCF4BD 024C


04-29-2007, 06:32 AM
Rivana, you have given me awesome feedback on my thread - thank you so much! I have taken down the slutty picture. I just needed to hear that.

the website for linklater is: http://kristinlinklater.com/welcome.htm
It may seem intimidating at first (and in a way it is), but I recommend it strongly only because I am absolutely speechless at the results I am getting from this book - it is almost like magic (except its hard work, I repeat, but there is NOTHING like this). u have to be willing to put in a l-o-t of effort, but if you do, it will change not only your vocal capabilities but so much more - and its selling on amazon for 99 cents!! (the best things truly are free)

now regarding the piano arrangment... if you do not have access to an instrument this is a problem. Have you considered learning guitar? I would love to myself, but my time is divided enough between piano etc'... however if i didn't have piano I would learn guitar. But the point is, to compose music, you M-U-S-T have an instrument to compose on, otherwise it cannot be done!! (unless u are mel brooks in the producers, ok, he did it in a tape recorder with no chord knowledge, but he was MEL BROOKS and had about a million hollywood composers helping him find chords and improved it tons, I am sure, afterwards)

U need an instrument that u love, and then learn to love the instrument, it is your vessel for greatness, and then u will go so far with your composing, I know it. i speak from experience - only when my old singing teacher forced me to learn chords did i realise how right she was. many new worlds open up, and your wildest dreams can come true, if you will it hard enough.

I think you have a lot of raw musical talent, and coming at a late age IS an advantage if you are able to find the discipline to adhere. Because you are fresh to music, yet jaded by life (from living, we all are!), you have things to say, it is a great combination for music making. I think so anyway. the main thing comes down to - how much do you want it

04-29-2007, 03:58 PM
Thanks Mike, that looked cool.

Dreamy, thanks sweetie, I'll think on it. Just to correct a misconception though -I'm not new to music, more like very very rusty. ^o^

04-29-2007, 05:35 PM

No experience here, but hoping love of music counts for something. I really like your voice. That doesn't count for much, since I also love Lou Reed and Tom Waits. A girl can get in week-long arguments about Lou and Tom. I guess as much as I love virtuosity, I also love pure emotion. So, you have the latter, who says you need the former?

Curious though, can anyone loan you a guitar? Just a simple acoustic, nothing fancy, not the kind a guitarist drools over. Just a good guitar. I think you could learn the chords you need quickly. No you wouldn't become Lindsey Buckingham overnight, but you would have what you need to help present your songs. You might need a capo for Goodbye, it's pretty high.

Sorry, if I veered off topic. I'm just thinking that if some of the best songs feature maybe 4 guitar chords and a melody, well criminy, someone with musical experience could learn what she needs for songwriting lickity-split.

04-29-2007, 07:12 PM
Love of music is the only thing that counts Nolita. Thanks for lending your voice. :-)
That's actually not a half bad idea. Of course I've pretty much sucked at guitar the few times I tried it, oh years ago, but maybe time can work miracles.

04-30-2007, 07:34 AM
Wow! Awesome voice! Just add a catchy beat and it'll be better!

04-30-2007, 04:08 PM
Rivana, time does work miracles. We get more patience. Hey did you see these? Daisy Rock (http://www.guitarcenter.com/shop/home/navigation?q=daisy&x=0&y=0) girl guitars. Made especially for little hands(some even for shorter arms). They're value priced too. No I don't work for them, I just really want that purple one at the top, the pixie acoustic-electric. Too broke for value right now.

Anyway, there's another store/site that sells just a couple of the guitars. An experienced musician(read like was male), was irritated, because (s)he said the sound was great on the 12 string electric, but it only came in pink. The reviews given are quite good. Obviously, if you had a grand to throw around, you'd get something fancy to learn on, but these are all under $400usd.

I understand though why you're afraid you'll still suck. My beginner's guitar tried to kill me. It has this man sized neck, with big frets, and fattish strings. Nearly put out an eye, tuning it and trying to learn bar chords(my girly little index finger couldn't reach). Then to try and get my thumb around, y-e-e-e-ouch!

Thankfully my friend's going to loan me his old Strat. He says the neck's nice and skinny(hope so). Anyway, that plus some super-slinky or hybrid-slinky strings, should make it so I can learn.

But if you can at least borrow, a decent acoustic or acoustic-electric, you won't need an amp to get started(I just have an amp sitting here from my beginner's guitar, stupidly upgraded the amp, should have upgraded the guitar).

Holding out the intro to "Crazy on You" by Heart as a carrot. That's how good I want to get. "Substitute" by the Who, that's how good I know I can get. :D

05-01-2007, 12:40 AM
Thanks Nolita, that made me smile. I've checked out some used and surplus store guitars. Think I could get away with under a hundred bucks for a spanish (beginners/adult) guitar with bag. I'm weighing my decision still, but a guitar would be really good. I like piano more sound-wise to be honest, but guitars you can take out and play whenever and bring wherever, that means a lot. Besides which, maybe if I get a guitar I could start to learn chords and stuff, and not have to rely on other people to comp me on stage. I've got this fantasy setting of me on the stage in some bar or café singing my own stuff. Once would do it really. :-)

05-01-2007, 06:03 AM
Yeah, I can't afford any of the stuff I showed you either, but then it's fun to look, and nice to know they think about girls now :D.

Cool, 50 bucks sounds about right. I know I can get one of the ones made in China for that(but don't know if they sound very good). Just make sure they let you try it out first. If I could build a time machine, I'd get a guitar I tried first, and know about bar chords b4 hand. Being a beginner puts you between a rock and a hard place. Maybe you know, but a reminder, press your index finger down on all the strings, and make sure you can at least get good contact. Can change strings later if you have to. :)

Goodbye would sound awesome with you picking the chords instead of strumming them. Sweetly classical. Of course I hear what I imagine, which is probably a long way off from what you imagine.

05-01-2007, 12:54 PM
*sighs* Unfortunately I can't try it since I have to get it online. (I live in a small town.) Thanks for the tips, I've never been very instrumental so I'm pretty clueless about it all. I play the recorder and know some basic piano, but that's about it. I was thinking plucking for Goodbye as well, my mind is full with music that the fingers cannot play.
OOOh, now I'm getting all tingly with anticipation. ^o^

05-01-2007, 09:12 PM
Well, Nancy Wilson plays a big ol' man size guitar. But she's been playing since she was a kid. Maybe watch some videos of her playing? Try to figure out how she does it?

05-02-2007, 01:07 AM
I can imagine lots of finger stretching and bloodiness before developing the right limberness and calluses. :/

05-02-2007, 01:29 AM
Tip from my cousin. Soak your fingertips in salt water to toughen them up fast. It's not pretty, but what ever is?

05-02-2007, 02:36 AM
Hiya Riv ... (I really want to give your tune a listen, but I'm in a noisy room right now.)

Anyway, if you really like the piano and have a bit of a head start on it over the guitar, there are some inexpensive portables that might do the job for you. For example:

Roll Up Piano (http://www.taylorgifts.com/prodetail.asp?src=GOOG0505&itemno=24126&s_kwcid=portable%20piano%7C1757456718)

It's a bit of a novelty item, but the keys look to be full size and you'd be able to hear the notes as opposed to some of those paper ones that just let you practice fingering.

05-02-2007, 11:47 PM
Nolita: You're right, that's not pretty. ^o^ We'll see though. Thanks.

Chunky: Thank you. :-) That actually looks like it could be a neat thing to have, if the sound is any good. *prods* Now go listen. ^o^

05-04-2007, 01:36 AM
I totally forgot! You could play around with this Sweet Little Piano (http://www.ronimusic.com/sweet_pi.htm). Use the computer's keyboard to make music. Not sure how easy it is to adjust, but it's available to you now, for free.

05-04-2007, 04:06 AM
Just had me a listen. Beautiful, Riv, both the song and your voice. :)

05-05-2007, 01:46 AM
Nolita and Chunky: Thanks guys, you're awesome. ^o^