I get a kick out of answering the phone in odd ways.
These are best reserved for unsolicited {EG, sales} phone calls:
These are best reserved for unsolicited {EG, sales} phone calls:
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A Compendium Of Interesting and Fun Ways to Answer the Phone (Old thread alert!)
- Thread starter Bartholomew
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When it comes to telemarketers, I will either not answer the phone (more common) or I will pick up the phone and immediately hang it up. They don't like that too much, for some reason ... perhaps because I'm on the Do Not Call list and they can't leave an automated message that way.
Some have had the audacity to call back two or three minutes later. In such a case I will do exactly the same thing, and they have a tendency to get the message after that ... until the following day, when they return to the grindstone.
Some have had the audacity to call back two or three minutes later. In such a case I will do exactly the same thing, and they have a tendency to get the message after that ... until the following day, when they return to the grindstone.
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My only phone is a cell now. But when I had a landline I was also selling AVON. So when the telemarketers called me I would ask them to buy the same amount of AVON if I bought their product.
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Excellent tactic. I remember Jerry Seinfeld's idea to ask if he could call back. Of course they say no. "Oh, so you can call me while I'm at home and interrupt my home life, but I can't do that to you?"
BTW, not having a landline can be pretty risky in an emergency. I remember when we had the big power outage August 14, 2004 (?) the land line was our only means of communication besides the radio (if you had batteries). I remember driving home from Toronto, trying to contact my 11 year old son at home alone, and my cell phone was just a gurgle.
Of course, that is an unusual circumstance. What a day.
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Hello. All of our machines are currently busy. At the sound of the tone, you'll be forced to speak to a live human being.
*beep*
*beep*
I had a friend who used to answer the phone: "Hello? I'd like a Big Mac and a large Coke and..."
For some reason, if the caller didn't know him, they wouldn't stay on the phone by the time he got to the Fries. I still can't figure that out...
"You have reached Prince Edwards bathroom. Please hold while he's doing his duty"
That is my younger brother's favorite, and I wish I had his guts.
As for me, I use "Hello? HELLO??? Anybody there???" and then I hang up, IF, of course, I hear it's someone I don't wish to speak to.
That is my younger brother's favorite, and I wish I had his guts.
As for me, I use "Hello? HELLO??? Anybody there???" and then I hang up, IF, of course, I hear it's someone I don't wish to speak to.
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RCMP, please state the nature of your emergency.
When I was in college I worked for a law firm, part time. There was a guy with a foot fetish that used the regularly call the switchboard. He would say that he was a graduate student conducting research for his thesis then he would ask what kind of shoes you were wearing, were your toe nails painted, were you wearing stockings, etc. One day I got tired of the game (5th or 6th time he had called and gotten me on the phone) so I told him that I was disabled from birth (one leg 3 inches shorter than the other). Then I told him that I was wearing orthopedic shoes and support hose. He never called back.
There was also a heavy breather that woke me up several nights in a row (back in the 80s). I finally decided that I had enough so I bought a police whistle. Next time he called......
When I was in college I worked for a law firm, part time. There was a guy with a foot fetish that used the regularly call the switchboard. He would say that he was a graduate student conducting research for his thesis then he would ask what kind of shoes you were wearing, were your toe nails painted, were you wearing stockings, etc. One day I got tired of the game (5th or 6th time he had called and gotten me on the phone) so I told him that I was disabled from birth (one leg 3 inches shorter than the other). Then I told him that I was wearing orthopedic shoes and support hose. He never called back.
There was also a heavy breather that woke me up several nights in a row (back in the 80s). I finally decided that I had enough so I bought a police whistle. Next time he called......
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PSYCHIATRIC HELPLINE
Student Support Services Telephone Answering Service:
If you are:
Obsessive Compulsive
Press 1 repeatedly.
Co-dependent
Please ask someone to press 2 for you.
Multiple Personality Disorder
Press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
Paranoid
We know who you are & what you want. Stay on the line while we trace your call.
Delusional
Press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
Schizophrenic
Listen carefully & a small voice will tell you which number to press.
Manic-depressive
It doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
Dyslexic
Press 96969696969696969696
Nervous disorder syndrome
Please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
Amnesia
Press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
Bi-polar disorder
Leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
Short-term memory loss
Press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
Low self-esteem
Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you anyway.
Student Support Services Telephone Answering Service:
If you are:
Obsessive Compulsive
Press 1 repeatedly.
Co-dependent
Please ask someone to press 2 for you.
Multiple Personality Disorder
Press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
Paranoid
We know who you are & what you want. Stay on the line while we trace your call.
Delusional
Press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
Schizophrenic
Listen carefully & a small voice will tell you which number to press.
Manic-depressive
It doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
Dyslexic
Press 96969696969696969696
Nervous disorder syndrome
Please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
Amnesia
Press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
Bi-polar disorder
Leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
Short-term memory loss
Press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
Low self-esteem
Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you anyway.
Answering machine messages...some of which I have used
Hi. This is <NAME>: If you are the ‘phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a good looking, straight, single male, don't worry; I have plenty of money.
Hi. <NAME>'s answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owner does not need a new kitchen, double-glazing, or a Jacuzzi and her carpets are clean. She gives to charity and does not need her picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and she will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi, this is <NAME>. I'm sorry I can't answer the ‘phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your ‘phone until I call you back.
If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the ‘phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and used by us.
Hi. This is <NAME>: If you are the ‘phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a good looking, straight, single male, don't worry; I have plenty of money.
Hi. <NAME>'s answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owner does not need a new kitchen, double-glazing, or a Jacuzzi and her carpets are clean. She gives to charity and does not need her picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and she will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi, this is <NAME>. I'm sorry I can't answer the ‘phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your ‘phone until I call you back.
If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the ‘phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and used by us.
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I've got a couple more variations of the mortuary one. It's similiar.
(City) morgue. You stab them we'll slab them
(City) morgue. Come on in for a cold one.
I've always thought of this one, but have never answered the phone with it.
Dominoes! What do you want?
(City) morgue. You stab them we'll slab them
(City) morgue. Come on in for a cold one.
I've always thought of this one, but have never answered the phone with it.
Dominoes! What do you want?
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When I lived in York, PA, my phone number was one off the Domino's there. I loved it when I would answer, "Hello?" And they'd still try and give me their order or ask, "Is this Domino's?" DID I SAY "Hi, thank you for calling Domino's, can I take your order?"
Although once, on a thoroughly frustrating day, I took an order, said it would be there in 30 minutes and hung up.
Although once, on a thoroughly frustrating day, I took an order, said it would be there in 30 minutes and hung up.
I've always wanted to ask a telemarketer, Ok, now you've given me your pitch, now tell what you think of this writing. Now, let me set up the scene for you.
kim
kim
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"Hello. I'm sorry, who are you calling for? Mr. Jones? Oh, sorry to tell you this, but it seems that Mr. Jones was pick off within the hour. What was your name again? Okay, ma'am, I'm Detective ____ and for the time being, we're considering you a suspect. Full name, address, and phone number, please. Also, if you have any aliases, I feel it's best you tell me now. I'll send a some of my guys up to your place as soon as possible."
I find this works the best on telemarketers. Usually, when doing this, the person on the other line doesn't hang up, so you can keep meesing with them for hours if you want to (if you have the correct terminology, that is) because they can't tell if you're serious or not.
I find this works the best on telemarketers. Usually, when doing this, the person on the other line doesn't hang up, so you can keep meesing with them for hours if you want to (if you have the correct terminology, that is) because they can't tell if you're serious or not.
My mobile's voicemail message:
You're through to Nichola's voicemail. The answering machine's gone on holiday; you're currently connected to the fridge. So do the message thing after the beep and your call will be put on ice until I can get back to you.
You're through to Nichola's voicemail. The answering machine's gone on holiday; you're currently connected to the fridge. So do the message thing after the beep and your call will be put on ice until I can get back to you.
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These are all great!
I'm learning Japanese, so I practice on unsuspecting telemarketers. The conversations usually go something like this:
"Moshi moshi."
"Uh... hello?"
"Moshi moshi."
"Hello?"
"Nani o namae wa?"
"I'm sorry, hello? Is this..."
"Nihon-go ga wakarimasu ka?"
"Hello?"
"Anata no tokoro de nanika nomimasen ka?"
*click*
Takes 'em a while to get the point. The last one is me inviting myself over to their place for a drink.
I'm learning Japanese, so I practice on unsuspecting telemarketers. The conversations usually go something like this:
"Moshi moshi."
"Uh... hello?"
"Moshi moshi."
"Hello?"
"Nani o namae wa?"
"I'm sorry, hello? Is this..."
"Nihon-go ga wakarimasu ka?"
"Hello?"
"Anata no tokoro de nanika nomimasen ka?"
*click*
Takes 'em a while to get the point. The last one is me inviting myself over to their place for a drink.
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My god, I used to do that with my French all the time. Shame I'm too rusty to do it well now.
"Allo?"
"Um...hello, I'm here to tell you about our new Discov-"
"...Allo? Ah, allo! Ca va?"
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Qui est ceci?"
"Huh?"
"Je vous deteste!"
"Erm-"
"Au revoir!"
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My response to all phone calls is pretty much the same.
1.- In a loud voice Who is this?
2.- In a louder voice Whaddya want?
Most people, including my family, hang up. Feel free to use this.
1.- In a loud voice Who is this?
2.- In a louder voice Whaddya want?
Most people, including my family, hang up. Feel free to use this.
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Unfortunately, because clients call my cell phone, I can't have obnoxious messages on my voice mail anymore. Oh well.
This one messes with other people, though...when I see a certain friend's name on caller ID, I'll answer and say (loudly): "HEY YOU GUYS!" (think Sloth from "The Goonies"). This is also how we greet each other in public. It's hilarious. Especially when one lady's kids started going "Hey you guys!" Oh, if looks could kill...
Anyway, phones...
I did this to a telemarketer once:
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: (some sort of canned greeting)
Me: (interrupting) You've interrupted the ritual.
Telemarketer: Um...what?
Me: I can't believe it. You interrupted the ritual.
Telemarketer: (stunned silence)
Me: *sigh* Oh well. Fortunately we'd only started shaving the goat. You just have NO idea what would've happened to you if we'd actually begun the sacrifice...you really shouldn't trifle with these things...*click*
I also once answered the phone and acted like the guy had caught me right in the middle of a...um...passionate moment. My husband was sitting right next to me and played along. Use your imagination to figure out how THAT went.
This one messes with other people, though...when I see a certain friend's name on caller ID, I'll answer and say (loudly): "HEY YOU GUYS!" (think Sloth from "The Goonies"). This is also how we greet each other in public. It's hilarious. Especially when one lady's kids started going "Hey you guys!" Oh, if looks could kill...
Anyway, phones...
I did this to a telemarketer once:
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: (some sort of canned greeting)
Me: (interrupting) You've interrupted the ritual.
Telemarketer: Um...what?
Me: I can't believe it. You interrupted the ritual.
Telemarketer: (stunned silence)
Me: *sigh* Oh well. Fortunately we'd only started shaving the goat. You just have NO idea what would've happened to you if we'd actually begun the sacrifice...you really shouldn't trifle with these things...*click*
I also once answered the phone and acted like the guy had caught me right in the middle of a...um...passionate moment. My husband was sitting right next to me and played along. Use your imagination to figure out how THAT went.
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