View Full Version : I am still dreaming - song critique wanted

04-22-2007, 04:43 AM
I am still dreaming
Though it seems perfectly silly
Of a world where all are one

When without a passport
I'll fly off to Frankfurt
For a hot dog in a bun

When we are as one
Not the states, but all the world
Won't that be such fun
Peace would cease to be absurd

I am still dreaming
Though it seems perfectly funny
Of a world where wisdom rules

And I don't have to quiver
And get stones in my liver
Cause I have to vote for fools

When will we begin
To question what we know
Truth is there within
But we lose it as we grow

And now its time to rest
But still, I tell myself
That I must keep on dreaming onů

The day when happy meals
Corrupted money deals
And human greed is done and gone

04-29-2007, 01:52 AM
Since you can sing, play and record. *prods* Why no melody? Reason I'm asking is because I find it helpful when one is looking at lyrics in particular to have a melody in mind for the lyrics. That's the difference between lyrics and poetry after all, wish more would put stuff up on the board with melodies. Doesn't have to be all worked out or professional or anything, just to give people a hum of what the song's supposed to be like. The music and the lyrics must work well together after all.

Err, sorry that was a bit of a rant, I just wish sometimes you know. ^o^
Anyway, to the lyrics.

First off -it fits you, your style and your song. Though rhyming with a hot dog in a bun is not something I would be caught dead doing, it can work here. It's kind of silly, kind of childish, kind of charming, kind of serious. It reminds me of a singer, but I can't remember who. Bob Dylan maybe. It's simple, but with the right setting, it still works. Do I sound divided? It's cause I am. Personally, I don't like the lyrics that much because they are simple and have a bit of a childish -I'm gonna shock you by using real everyday pictures- quality that I usually don't find as charming as many do. That being said -I can still see how this song can be charming, and even popular.

My favorite parts: the ones where you use 'perfectly', they make the song. Give the setting, if you so will. Transform silliness to everyday philosophy.

Least favorite: the silly stuff, and can you get stones in your liver from stress?

In conclusion: It's good, very good even. Kind of ranty -it's 3am and I can't sleep so I'm coming up with weird images in my head and dream of a better life while watching the mold grow.

On a different note -heh- I took a quick look at your mySpace. And seriously, that semi-nude picture that slides downwards is just, silly. I mean, you look good, but in a really -I'm posing to look sexy so you better drool- kind of way. Love the blue dance suit pic though.

04-29-2007, 06:36 AM
thank u so much Rivana. i am glad i gave u an honest critique and to recieve one in return is a real pleasure :)

04-29-2007, 11:58 AM
Likewise. Honesty is a great policy on creative boards especially. :-)

05-01-2007, 10:03 AM
Ok, I'll try this. But I warn u, I'm no pro, I'm just saying what I think about it.

I don't get ur lyrics, and no offense, but they don't really sound like song lyrics? I tried adding some sort of melody (tho that didn't work so I sang it to myself which probably didn't help since I have a horrible singing voice.), and I still found it kinda dull. I don't know what kind of crowd ur aiming for, but I'm not really into this song at all. Sorry if I was too blunt ot harsh. Don't take anything I said as a insult, I probably didn't mean it and said it without knowing it was an insult.

05-03-2007, 10:12 PM
I'm sorry to say that it's just not really my thing. i find it about abosolutly nothing. write about a theme. xD

05-04-2007, 12:04 AM
It's about the American Dream. Well sorta. About money and greed, and the world staying seperated, but she has a dream we can all you know, be groovy to each other.