What a cheek!

scarletpeaches · Apr 18, 2007

So I was having a discussion about kids with a woman who's got four herself, I think, in particular about getting involved with someone who's already got children and would you back off, would you assume they'd completed their family and didn't want any more...

I said that if I got involved with a man and found out he had kids I'd back right off as I don't want to be anyone's stepmother and I'd even be reluctant to get involved with a man who had been married before, although if there were no children in the marriage I might consider it.

Reason being, I want to be my future husband's first and only wife, and if I wanted kids, mother to his only children.

And she said, "Well chick, you are getting old now; there aren't many men your age who don't have kids or haven't been married before, unless you snare a young 'un before they have time to go elsewhere."

Getting old??? I'm 31 in three weeks!!!

:rant:

God, now I'm so pissed off I can't see straight. Is that really the way other women think? That once you're in your thirties you can't afford to have standards? That you should just settle, because no bloke in his right mind would want a haggard old crone of nearly-31?

Gah!

PattiTheWicked · Apr 18, 2007

At least now you can get the Seniors' discount on coffee at McDonalds.

scarletpeaches · Apr 18, 2007

You're not helping.

Jaycinth · Apr 18, 2007

Well, I have several older friends who beat themselves up daily for not 'having settled'.

I have a couple of other friends who beat themselves up for 'having settled'.

It is easier to correct 'having settled' when you are 30-40 than trying to correct 'not having settled' when you are 50-60.

However...in my opinion..it is your life, dear. Don't let opinions pressure you into making a decision that might be wrong for you. Go out with the person you want. If that person already has kids..make your decision based on the person, and not the kids.

Personally, I wouldn't care one way or another...my only concern is 'can the bloke carry a conversation', and...'does he sleep with farm animals'.

...of course...eventually my step (Tsuki) children..should I have them...would find a way to escape from the cellar, and then I'd have to move.

czjaba · Apr 18, 2007

Relax, Scarlet. I think your friend is just jealous. I mean, she already has 4 kids, which in most men language means baggage. So, if she's not married, of course she'll have to settle and has no reason to tell you to stick to your standards.
I say stick to your standards. And if you have to 'settle' for anything, settle for kitkats instead of reese's. But for anything long-term, you've got to be true to yourself and only to yourself.
Now, on the other hand, I know quite a few men that have married women with kids. My step-dad is wonderful to me and I normally refer to him as Dad.
But if you don't want to get involved with a man with kids, don't. IMO is a man has kids and is a good dad, the kids will always come first, not you. And vice versa. You deserve someone that will treat you the way you want to be treated.

czjaba · Apr 18, 2007

Just to get a point in about the age thing: I know a few people that refuse to get into a serious relationship until 35. They want to play and have fun before settling down. So, almost 31? Plenty of time.

Besides, how many 20 year-olds still live with their parents? That can be considered normal. But at 35? Then at least you know there will be issues.

Azure Skye · Apr 18, 2007

Not all women in their thirties think like that but unfortunately, there are some and women who make choices that go against theirs usually feel the heat. Don't stress out about it too much. One of the joys of getting older is learning that others will not always accept what you believe or support the choices you make.

I have very strong thoughts about this topic but this morning I'm feeling a little brain fog. There's also this sharp pain stabbing me at the base of my skull. Bad night. Bleah. So that boils down to, I don't feel like thinking too much.

thethinker42 · Apr 18, 2007

Oh honestly...she's full of it. Good Lord.

No one should settle for anyone. If you happen to fall in love with a guy who has kids, then it'll be up to you whether being with him is worth being a stepmom. If not, you'll find one who has no kids. 31 is hardly OLD, especially with people getting married well into their 30's and even 40's these days.

And for what it's worth, people told my husband and me that we were SO YOUNG (we married at 21 and 22, respectively), we should really play the field for a while and make sure we really knew what we wanted (in other words, at that age, we couldn't POSSIBLY know we were right for each other). So, you can't win either way.

I know it's infuriating, but if I were you, I would just tell myself she must be miserable with her life and wants to share the wealth. May or may not be true, but it would sure make me feel better.

scarletpeaches · Apr 18, 2007

The woman who said this is about 10 years older than me, so maybe that's got a lot to do with it.

I mean, I'm not even thinking of marriage and kids...I've never met a man I wanted to marry, although I wouldn't rule it out one day. I'd love to fall in love with someone special.

But she asked the question, I answered it and she said I'm 'getting old'?

Bah.

This calls for chocolate.

threedogpeople · Apr 18, 2007

Well, after my first marriage ended in divorce, I was never going to get married again. I'll be celebrating my 20th anniversary in December. Love changes minds.

writerterri · Apr 18, 2007

Tick, tick, tick, tick...

:tongue

I didn't have my first child until I was 30. You're still okay. I was like you. I wanted a man who has never been married or didn't have any children. And I also feel the same way about not wanting to remarry a man who has children. Mine alone would be enough.

scarletpeaches · Apr 18, 2007

You don't just 'fall in love' straight off the bat though. You have to make the decision to spend more time with someone, then love develops. There are some things that are deal breakers for me, and I wouldn't get the chance to fall in love with that person, as I wouldn't date them or spend social time with them.

Such as the aforementioned barnyard animals thing.

Kate Thornton · Apr 18, 2007

I married very young to someone who also had not been married before. It didn't work out. When I was in my very late 20s I married someone who has been the love of my life for 30 years. But fortunately he didn't limit himself to women who had not been married before.

After my mother died, I would have been delighted to have someone to be a mother to me.

I don't want you to change your standards, only to understand that sometimes the perfect person comes with history, and limiting your options may cause you to miss the opportunity - or partner - of a lifetime.

Of course, the person you were talking to didn't express this in a very polite way, did she? 31 is certainly not old - I turned 30 in basic training in the Army. I graduated from college at 47. Life at any age is what you make it, and for someone as bright & talented as you are, that can be a lot!

PS. I'm *still* too young for senior discount at McD's - you have to be like 100 or something.

Jaycinth · Apr 18, 2007

scarletpeaches said:
But she asked the question, I answered it and she said I'm 'getting old'?.

Oh YEAH...well who has the stretch marks and the saggy buTT ox. Not you, Scarlett...not you.

Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

scarletpeaches said:
Bah.

This calls for chocolate.

You're correct. Send that nice lady a box containing 300,000 calories of high butterfat chocolate.

You could enclose a note saying..'thanks ever so much for the age update...now I'm off husband hunting... still want yours?'

threedogpeople · Apr 18, 2007

The first moment I saw Mark is burned into my mind. We were friends first, then lust, then love.

scarletpeaches · Apr 18, 2007

It's certainly something to think about.

But marriage just isn't on my radar at the moment. It might be at some point; I hope it is, in fact, but there's no-one in my life at the moment who'd make me consider it.

I guess I always get jumpy at this time of year. Her remarks hit home because another year has passed, and I always take stock, wonder what I'm doing with my life.

The one thing I want to do is move. Not just house, but to a different city. A friend of mine said, "Make a promise to have your life changed by Christmas this year." I just don't want to stagnate here, I want to do more, and I feel like I'm wasting time, or at least in a rut.

So to be told by someone older than me that I'm knocking on a bit, well...I felt insulted, and justifiably so, I think.

Kate Thornton · Apr 18, 2007

I think your plan to move to a different city is terrific! You are at the perfect age to make a change like that. And if you meet the ideal mate, fine. But you have so much going on in your life now that there's really no need to think about the things that are not important to you.

This time next year celebrate all the wonderful things you will have done. A new city would certainly be worth celebrating!

NeuroFizz · Apr 18, 2007

People have views that are flavored (in some cases, tainted) by their personal experiences. Unfortuantely, many don't realize that "different" is not synonymous with "bad."

C.bronco · Apr 18, 2007

Don't worry aboudit. Do what is right for you when the time is right for you.

scarletpeaches · Apr 18, 2007

I hear you, FizzyNeurons...I just think, selfish or not, I wouldn't want to share my future spouse's loyalties with a previous wife or children.

aadams73 · Apr 18, 2007

*Shrug* My husband was married before me, and he has a son from that marriage. I don't feel like I've "settled" for a second. My standards were extremely high and I met the man who not only met them, but exceeded them.

31 is FAR from old. Don't sweat it.

thethinker42 · Apr 18, 2007

threedogpeople said:
The first moment I saw Mark is burned into my mind. We were friends first, then lust, then love.

Eddie and I went lust, friends, love, but in very rapid succession. ie., I think the first two happened the first night, and the third followed within a week or two. I didn't even want a boyfriend, and had steadfastly refused to get into any kind of longterm relationship with a military man. 8.5 months -- almost to the day -- after we met, I became a Navy wife.

Another couple I know was together for 17 years before they got married, and weren't really sure if they were GOING to get married (as in, if they were going to stay together, not just the piece of paper) until about 5 years before they married.

Love happens differently for everyone.

C.bronco · Apr 18, 2007

Kate Thornton said:
I don't want you to change your standards, only to understand that sometimes the perfect person comes with history, and limiting your options may cause you to miss the opportunity - or partner - of a lifetime.

I can't agree more. Also, sometimes you don't make a conscious decision to spend more time with your future husband; you see him more often because you simply have to see him.

NeuroFizz · Apr 18, 2007

scarletpeaches said:
I hear you, FizzyNeurons...I just think, selfish or not, I wouldn't want to share my future spouse's loyalties with a previous wife or children.

I was talking about the woman who gave you the snippy comment.

scarletpeaches · Apr 18, 2007

Ah. Well, I guess it works both ways in this instance, you old buzzard.

What a cheek!

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