I think my friend went nuts?

TwentyFour

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giftedrhonda

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Is there someone you can encourage her to talk to? She needs to work through her grief, as well as those emotions she's probably pushed down. Maybe she feels like she shouldn't be mad at him for how he treated her since he passed...?
 

Siddow

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Why would you want to convince someone who has lost her husband that he was a bad guy?

She's grieving. If a kitty husband helps her do that, let her. If the house bothers you, clean it for her. Bring her some bath salts and draw her a bath. Suggest she get grief counseling. Look around in your area; there's probably a widow group somewhere.
 

giftedrhonda

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Help her find another counselor. She can work through it in combination with medication, if the meds really are needed...
 

Pat~

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It looks as though she might be experiencing grief/loss depression. If this were my friend, I'd try to do whatever I could to help her practically and emotionally. She needs to be encouraged to seek another counselor (one who specializes in depression), and yes, to take the meds (it can take time for them to work, but a serious clinical depression usually alters the chemical balances in the brain, and these can restore the proper balance). You might also help her clean the house, offer to see a movie with her or go out to lunch, or whatever else you can do to help her cope. I'd ignore the cat issue right now, if at all possible, and let her work through that one with the therapist. It will be hard, but try to be a faithful friend to her even now while she's so much unlike herself. She really needs one right now.
 
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kikazaru

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I agree with Pat.

Neglecting personal hygiene is a clear signal that all is not well with her and she is experiencing deep depression. I don't know what to tell you other than to urge her to seek help or if she has other family members tell them about her worsening condition and perhaps they can insist on getting her help. If you know her physician maybe you could phone or make an appt to speak with him/her. They won't give you any details but this might help take her condition more seriously.
 

Pat~

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Also, be prepared for the long-haul. Depression can take several months at the minimum to get over. (Mine lasted 2 years.) Hang in there with her, and keep tabs on her. Depressed people are a high suicide risk.
 

PattiTheWicked

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I don't want to convince her he's bad? I want her to deal with the grief, not say he's a cat.

It's possible that this IS her dealing with the grief.

That having been said, it does sound like she's suffering from clinical depression. Help her out as much as you can -- be a listener, take her out once in a while, help clean up her place -- but also understand that she needs professional help. I'm not sure what you mean by her counselor "only pushes medicine and won't tell her the truth"... but it seems to me that medication may not be a bad thing for her at this point. If it helps her come to grips with the fact that she needs help and is depressed, what's wrong with it? And really, all you know of her counseling sessions is what your friend tells you, not what's really going on.

If you have to, enlist family members to get involved.

And dont' worry about the cat thing. If it comforts her, let it go.
 

Shwebb

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Pat has some good advice, there.

Let your friend talk without censoring and judging, if you can. She needs to process her grief, and that can mean talking about some stuff that can sound a bit crazy, sometimes. The emotions don't always make sense.

Sure, her husband might have abused her--don't think I'm discounting that. But she's also alone, now, and she may want to remember some of those (hopefully) not-so-bad times. That doesn't mean she's forgetting about the bad, necessarily. There will be plenty of time for her to get angry with him over the other stuff as she works through her sorrow and depression.

The best thing? Try to keep her grounded in the present. Drag her out of the house, even if it's just for a walk. Or just to stand outside for five minutes. Keep her in touch with some of the stuff that is happening outside her window, in her town.

It's so good that she has a friend like you who is concerned about her. Hugs and a pat on the back to you.
 

RumpleTumbler

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Make sure she doesn't buy the cat food on the bad list. If she were to kill her husband that likely wouldn't go over well.

I would say just be careful you don't get to over zealous in your quest to convince her the cat isn't him. If she really believes this she might have enough and alienate you all together. Her husband (the cat) might even tell her to do this. At the same time try and get her out of the house as much as possible. Get her into settings where she has to think about something else. Shopping..etc. there are a million things.
 

Azure Skye

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That's grief. After having experienced it myself, I found out in order to cope we do, think, say, and act in some rather unusual ways. The only thing you can do is to encourage her to take care of herself. She is clearly depressed. Be her friend and just let her do what she needs to do to get through this. If that means her husband is the cat, then so be it. She'll get out of the funk sooner or later. Be prepared that it might be later, a lot later.
 

MMcC

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People find their own way and everyone needs to respect the process. I don't blame you for showing concern over her oddness, but it's very clear she is processing guilt over actually knowing what a pratt he was and yet feeling the need to rewrite history a little in her head so she can grieve for him.

A few months is not a long time when one loses a spouse. Plus, no matter what you THINK is going on with her and her counseler-- you don't KNOW. That' a process, too.

If she becomes a recluse and does something self-harmful, maybe talk to family. Right now she just seems to be finding her way, however oddly. She needs unconditional support. Five years from now you can say "remember when you thought that cat was Norman? Man, you were messed up."

Not now.
 

Little Red Barn

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I'm into the 4th year with my friend, like yours. Even her answering machine still says press one for Paula, two for John, three for the cats...etc... She moved and purposely lists his name on recorder.

And every year on his birthday she goes into her 'dark world' as she calls it for 3 months, no phone no interaction, just rambles around a big old mansion with her cats dogs and birds and John, yes she believes John is still there and then returns like nothing happened.

Meds have not helped. The thing about this is she is extremely intelligent. I've suggested getting involved; helping others, she gets excited then it fizzles.

A long grieving process, but I hang in there with her.
 

Appalachian Writer

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It's hard for some people to let go. She's one, obviously. I think she should probably see someone, a grief counselor. She's deep into the denial and depression stages of Kubler-Ross's 5 layers of grief. She needs your help whether she knows it or not.
 

Kerr

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I know all about that kind of grief, SG. Luckily, I had a friend like you who listened to me talk through it for a loooong time. I finally quit talking because it got embarrassing, but still the grief went on, for years. I think it has a lot to do with the abuse. Mine was a very abusive relationship, it made no sense even to me that I missed him so much. Later, my friend divorced her abusive husband and then it was her turn to talk. She never tried to shut me up, so I did her the same favor and she outdid me talking by years.

When my mother died about five years ago, I came home and found myself just sitting and staring at the computer for hours at a time. I know what I was going through, but I felt helpless to do anything else. My sister started calling me because she needed to talk. She spent hours several times a week crying and going through it over and over. I felt like I was a dishrag and she was wringing me out. But the talking and crying was helping me, too. If you can think of anything you liked about the guy, bring it up. It sounds crazy, but she needs to reminisce. Talking is making her well again. Even on antidepressants it's not a good thing to bury that kind of grief.
 

Don Allen

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The cat thing is a little weird but hey, I think Pattie was probably right, it's just her way of trying to hang on a little longer. This is just an observation and not based on anything but it seems to me that it isn't really depression as much as it is fear of losing the saftey zone that people cling to in long relationships. Change is scary, and nothing changes more than losing a long time partner, even if they treated you like shit, or the two of you weren't in love, it's the frontier of the unknown life ahead of us we mourn more than the loss of the life we leave behind,,,, (side note.. I just made up this last line and I realized that it's pretty freaken good, so it's going in a future book of mine, you guys leave it alone) Sorry, you get my point....