Hey, older gals, I need you! (the 40 and over club)

writerterri · Apr 9, 2007

My man is going through his mid life crisis, but I don't have to worry about him spending some money because there's none to spend. Now, with that said...

How did you help your man go through his crisis. He's still laughing at this stage but he just told me that I don't look like the youth in my pictures of the younger years. We laughed and I poked fun at him as well. We do this a lot because we've been together since he was 23 and I was 26. Now we're 38 and 40. I noticed he's wanting to sleep a lot and he's grumpy. His dad was just murdered and he never got to have a real relationship with him and he's bent on not growing old very gracefully. He doesn't own a house yet and he doesn't like the job he's in but it does get us by, barely. I have a chronic illness and am unable to work a job until someone figures out how to get me better. His mom is up there in age and he knows she doesn't have long to live and he's bothered by the fact that we do not have money. Now he feels like his life is almost over and everyone around him is dieing and he has nothing to show for his life and if he dies (funny, he's 38) he will have accomplished nothing. Now, he's been at his job for 8 years and was moved up to management for a brief time before he was demoted because of the housing industry being slowed down. And now, yesterday he saw a posted letter for an add for a construction manager two weeks after there was a meeting to ask if he could go back into management. They said no and he's quite qualified he's just not one of the "good O'l boys" because he doesn't drink or party and he's a Christian man.

So there you have it in a nut shell.

I'm trying to be as encouraging as I can but is it enough? Is there more I should be doing? I'm being a tigress in bed and cooking him some tasty food as well.

Thanks!

Terri

SpookyWriter · Apr 9, 2007

I don't know about the gals, but just tell him (your man) a little about my recent experiences and he'll sing a new tune real quick.

Ol' Fashioned Girl · Apr 9, 2007

I'm not sure I have any good advice to give, let alone good news. It only goes down hill from 40... folks you love get older and sicken and die. Seems like career issues keep escalating until you either take the plunge and leave or decide to suck it up and live with it. As long as you're not part of the problem, you'll be part of the solution. Keep being a tigress in bed, cook him good meals, listen when he needs to talk and shut up when he needs to think. Ol' Boy and I waded through a rough patch when we were about your age - lost relatives and friends every other month to cancer and old age - but everything finally smoothed out.

maestrowork · Apr 9, 2007

I'm not a girl but I have faced my own "mid-life" crisis. I went out and bought a convertible and quit my day job.

I have to report that I'm happier than I ever was. I am closer to my family, and I am much more relaxed and I feel more attractive than I ever did.

I think you need to give your man some time to figure it out himself. Be encouraging -- don't nag. And be as supportive as you can but DON'T tell him what he should be doing with his life. He's at that point when he must figure out where he wants to go and what he wants to be. 40s is the time when a man really makes something of himself -- he's done with his "formative" years. If he has any ambition at all, he will come to that on his own. If he's just a bum... well, nothing you do will change that.

Yeah, be very sexy for him. You don't want him to start chasing some hot young thing, do you?

Men his age want to feel that he still has it. That he's still attractive, that women still want him -- especially after such a long marriage. There will be temptation, for sure. But he needs to know that he has it good. That all that stuff is not going to make him happy -- that happiness is at home. But it may mean you do need to spice things up... do things out of ordinary... make him feel like he's so friggin hot that every woman would want him and every guy wants to be his buddy. The male ego needs to be stroked, but do stroke it carefully so it doesn't blow up.

alleycat · Apr 9, 2007

I can't tell you what I did.

;-(

maestrowork · Apr 9, 2007

Come on cat, you can tell.

MidnightMuse · Apr 9, 2007

If I had a man, maybe I could offer up some suggestions - but I think the guys are more able to give you advice on this one. :Shrug:

maestrowork · Apr 9, 2007

Three of my male friends just went through their mid-life crises as well. All three quit their jobs -- eventually found something much better. They moved. One guy just had his first baby with his wife. One guy travels a lot and does trading for a living. One broke up with a long-time girlfriend. They all seem happier than before.

What I am saying is... everyone goes through different things individually. There really is not much you can do as a spouse or a friend, except to be there for him and just see what he's going to do. To say, "Oh, snap out of it" is counter-productive, I believe -- and would only lead to resentment.

DeborahM · Apr 9, 2007

writerterri said:
My man is going through his mid life crisis, but I don't have to worry about him spending some money because there's none to spend. Now, with that said...

How did you help your man go through his crisis. He's still laughing at this stage but he just told me that I don't look like the youth in my pictures of the younger years. We laughed and I poked fun at him as well. We do this a lot because we've been together since he was 23 and I was 26. Now we're 38 and 40. I noticed he's wanting to sleep a lot and he's grumpy. His dad was just murdered and he never got to have a real relationship with him and he's bent on not growing old very gracefully. He doesn't own a house yet and he doesn't like the job he's in but it does get us by, barely. I have a chronic illness and am unable to work a job until someone figures out how to get me better. His mom is up there in age and he knows she doesn't have long to live and he's bothered by the fact that we do not have money. Now he feels like his life is almost over and everyone around him is dieing and he has nothing to show for his life and if he dies (funny, he's 38) he will have accomplished nothing. Now, he's been at his job for 8 years and was moved up to management for a brief time before he was demoted because of the housing industry being slowed down. And now, yesterday he saw a posted letter for an add for a construction manager two weeks after there was a meeting to ask if he could go back into management. They said no and he's quite qualified he's just not one of the "good O'l boys" because he doesn't drink or party and he's a Christian man.

So there you have it in a nut shell.

I'm trying to be as encouraging as I can but is it enough? Is there more I should be doing? I'm being a tigress in bed and cooking him some tasty food as well.

Thanks!

Terri

Terri - If this is mid-life...it is only starting...he's 38...generally mid-life is a in the 50's.

It, to me, sounds more like a mixture of depression about the job, and with losing his father, grief depression, of a relationship that he never had and with his father's death, he has no way to try to repair it now. That part of his life is over without FTF closure. Part of grief depression is thoughts on mortality, therefore worrying about his mother, as well as seeing age in pictures.

I'll send you what I have on the subject by email for you to read and see if there are any other parts of the process he is going through. If not, you know the signs.

You might approach the subject and let him think on it and let him talk when he's ready if this is not an already open subject.

Sounds like you are giving him great support and keep it up...pardon the pun!!

Jaycinth · Apr 9, 2007

I am sorry Terri.
When mine became 'grumpified' I ditched him and went looking for a better model....

Now that I have admitted I'm a wuss, encourage him to look for a new job. Sometimes getting away from 'bum-out' co-workers can mean a lot to a guy and a marriage.

Sometimes they think they have to 'STAY' at a crappy job because of family responsibilities. Then they start staring at you funny and next thing they start saying 'I hate you, you ruined my life' and at that point it is too late.

So encourage him to look for the jobs, apply for the jobs, and make sure to give him a real big 'TIP' when he comes home at night.

Oh, and changing your hairstyle helps. They don't notice, per se, but they do know something is different, and that excites them.

And tell your kids that my kids said 'second door on the right'.

maestrowork · Apr 9, 2007

How about psychotherapy? It helped me.

Old Hack · Apr 9, 2007

Sounds more like depression to me than anything else.

Get him to talk. To you, to his friends, to whomever he feels he can talk to safely. Consider medication. Have a look at lifestyle: a friend of mine took Prozac for 18 months and was still struggling, then started walking his dogs for 45 minutes each day and within ten days was feeling much, much better. There are all sorts of things that can be done. The trick is finding out which one will work, and getting the changes made without nagging too much.

BardSkye · Apr 9, 2007

Sometimes finding a new hobby, something he can get passionate about, can revive interest in the rest of the world as well as help with job stress. Get him involved with model railroading, chess club, gardening, coaching kids' teams, barbershop singing, bird-watching... anything that gets him out meeting like-minded people without having to shell out big bucks. Lots of hobbies out there that cost next to nothing and it's a way to make him feel better by being an expert on something.

SpookyWriter · Apr 9, 2007

maestrowork said:
How about psychotherapy? It helped me.

Are you sure?

K1P1 · Apr 9, 2007

What I can tell you is that losing a parent makes you confront your own mortality, but you already know that Terri. You start to count the years you have left and you try to weigh your accomplishments to see if your life has any value. One piece of the equation is how attractive you are to the opposite sex, but it's just one piece. I think the people who come through transitions like this the best are the ones who stick with their fundamental values. If they value family and relationships and they've got some, then they just need to keep on reminding themselves of that. If they're keeping a a roof over their family's heads and food on the table, then they're successful. The problems come when, instead of focusing on the core values, people compete. They want the youngest prettiest wife or girlfriend, the fast sexy car, the biggest house, the most expensive meal in the restaurant, the most flamboyant vacation, the most expensive toys. That's just focusing on externals, and it wears itself out in the end. If you've got a happy, loving home, you've got the things money can't buy.

Maryn · Apr 9, 2007

I don't know that Mr. Maryn ever had an identifiable mid-life crisis, but there have been stretches when he wasn't happy and felt tied down by his obligations, from work to family, and had regrets piling up about people who'd died.

What turned the corner for him was becoming very ill himself. (He's fine now.) He, and I, really did have a sea-change about appreciating what we have rather than ruing what we don't. Yes, his job still sucks mightily way too often, some of the choices our kids make are scary as hell, and I'm kidding myself if I think I look hot. Nevertheless, we're mindful that we love one another completely, that our children remain healthy and we're doing okay ourselves, that there's food in the house and a roof over our heads, that we enjoy plenty of simple things we'll always be able to afford, from TV to taking a walk together, that not every episode in bed has to be worthy of thunderous applause but can just mean closeness.

I wouldn't wish a health crisis on anyone, but it can turn you upside down in a good way.

Of course he's missing out on things others have--we all are. What he may need to do is find the mind-set to appreciate the wonderful things God has given him. How many men would love to have a wife who adores him enough to cook great meals and entice him just so in private? How many would work any job, at any pay, if only they could? How many would give anything for their kids to be healthy? Or to know where their next meal was coming from, or where they'll sleep tonight?

Your husband is rich.

scarletpeaches · Apr 9, 2007

Blow jobs, and a nice steak dinner.

Redd Ryden · Apr 9, 2007

I parrot all the good suggestions about "getting new interests and getting back into life" and the "look into the medical side of this". There's so little *you* can do about his "work" life-- sadly, only he can deal with that-- but there *is* something *YOU* can do. Just hold him, let him talk (or not), and talk to *him* softly. Find time that's just for *him* and him alone. That said, I'll just say: Redd's still working on my own Hubby's-Mid-Life-Crisis. It never gets easier, but the holding works both ways.

Ol' Fashioned Girl · Apr 9, 2007

scarletpeaches said:
Blow jobs, and a nice steak dinner.

That's the best advice yet!

NeuroFizz · Apr 9, 2007

scarletpeaches said:
Blow jobs, and a nice steak dinner.

Why is only one of them pleural?

It's a powerful force and it may not be job related for all men. And, Ray, you seem a bit young to have a real mid-life crisis since you haven't reached middle age yet. It's a restlessness that is very selfish in its origins and expression. It frequently happens when men feel their physical appeal is slipping (hence the sports cars, the physical make-overs, the affairs, etc.). For some, the job situation is a major contributor, but for others, it is of no consequence at all. Finding what dulls the restlessness is going to be an individual undertaking (individual couple, that is). I have to admit I like Scarlet's approach, though.

scarletpeaches · Apr 9, 2007

NeuroFizz said:
...I have to admit I like Scarlet's approach, though.

Can't think why I'm still single.

DeborahM · Apr 9, 2007

NeuroFizz said:
I have to admit I like Scarlet's approach, though.

You and every male in the Universe!!

Rolling Thunder · Apr 9, 2007

scarletpeaches said:
Can't think why I'm still single.

Maybe you have a reputation as a 'biter'.

maestrowork · Apr 9, 2007

SpookyWriter said:
Are you sure?

Sure... you'll be at your house by 8:25, right, like you usually do.... I'm be waiting. for. you.

DeborahM · Apr 9, 2007

Rllgthunder said:
Maybe you have a reputation as a 'biter'.

And this comes from aka Mr. Twisted. :ROFL:

Hey, older gals, I need you! (the 40 and over club)

It's a dorky day!

Hand? What hand?

Fear the Death Ray

Still around

Fear the Death Ray

Midnight Reading

Fear the Death Ray

I need espresso & chocolate!

Your Cuddly Sociopathic

Fear the Death Ray

Such a nasty woman

Barbershoppin' Harmony Whore

Procrastination is its own reward

Baaa!

I'm the Head-ParrotHead!

Hand? What hand?

The grad students did it

I need espresso & chocolate!

Fear the Death Ray

I need espresso & chocolate!