Angst

my heart is
like broken records
spinning spinning alone
so sad
i hate life
and writing which hates me

so

i

keep writing because
otherwise i will

die

I'm no good at this.
What am I doing?
What the hell do I think I'm doing?
You'll never be published. You're a fake. You don't stand a chance of getting this shit on anyone's bookshelf. Kill yourself. Go on, do the world a favour and bump yourself off. But burn all that shit you wrote first. If anyone bothers to read it, it'll make their eyes bleed.

I SUCK!!

That's pretty much all I think and feel.

That sounds so much like me.

I suck. The story sucks. How could I have ever written this and thought it was any good? Oh hell, who did I show this too? It makes me cringe. Aaaaaaagh! HIDE!

Oh God, why didn't I change that last paragraph/page/chapter before I sent it in? It's terrible! In fact, the whole book is terrible. How on earth did it get accepted? Maybe they're changing their minds right now. Maybe I'm about to get an email saying that the deal is off. What was I thinking, assuming I could ever write anything worth reading?

Birol said:

What do you feel, think, fear, when you're in the grips of proper (whatever proper is) writerly angst?

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Like I'm having a heart attack.

Like I sold Out!

Tri

As soon as the submission goes out, the "You Suck" refrain starts in my head. "You'll never have a novel published, might as well call Lulu now. No one will ever buy that book. Your stuff is so boring that the agent will fall asleep drooling by the second paragraph." Etc.....

When I see the word "Angst" I can only think of PeeDee and hives.

When I feel angst, it often goes along the lines of:

OMG, what do I think I doing? Who do I think I am? Don't you see how dirty the house is? You don't even write regularly and you want to call yourself a write. You suck so bad.

Then I get over it and go write.

I think angst is usually reserved for the young, the melodramatic and the unpublished. Most sufferers wear all three hats.

Now before you folks get gnarly with me, note that I prefaced my comment with "usually."

the angst I feel is primarily the amount of time I have. Two young children + full time job = no time. I feel the writer-me slipping away on occasion because I don't have the time, and when I do make the time, I feel guilty because I should be doing something else. I have to neglect something in order to write. The balance and commitment to it is tricky so is the guilt about doing it and the guilt about not doing it.

This writing is really terrible. It's horrible. I don't know why I invested all this time and effort into it. I don't want to continue. It'll never turn out the way I want it to. I haven't got the skills I need. Everyone that said it was good was just trying to make me feel better.

Looking over the manuscript: Eewwwww.

Then I remember all the other times I've thought like that and the writing turned out just fine.

So I go and write some more, grumbling and complaining. If I don't practise, I'm never going to get any better. Besides, this is part of the writing process, so I just have to suck it up and get on with things.

If all else fails, chocolate instantly makes everything better.

aka eraser said:

I think angst is usually reserved for the young, the melodramatic and the unpublished. Most sufferers wear all three hats.

Now before you folks get gnarly with me, note that I prefaced my comment with "usually."

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I could never get gnarly with a man holding such a fish-I agree wholeheartedly, but with the usually as well. Looks like eraser and myself are around the same age-one gets angsty 'bout other stuff I expect. Fear, self-doubt, all that good stuff generally leads to good writing if one has the tools and the talent.

When I'm feeling the pull of insecurity, it's always in the form of: Who are you kidding? You're pathetic, you have no talent and people are laughing at you.

Takes a lot of dark chocolate and bubble baths to get over.

It usually comes late at night, when I'm not tired enough to sleep. I tell myself that submission is pointless, I'll never be a published author. I should go back to fanfic, where at least I got one or two nice feedbacks on a story (which was still pretty pithy compared to many of the "popular" fic writers, which is why I quit fandom altogether...but that's not really on topic).

I think that I should just go the POD route, get a copy into my hands, and forget about that dream. Find a day job I actually like, get on with my life.


Fortunately, I either fall asleep and have an inspiring dream, or the characters in my WIP whisper sweet nothings in my ear (or somethings along the line of "We're it, we're your chance at publication!").

It's folks who get pubbed at age 96 that give me hope.

I revel in my angst and pour it all into my writing. Angst, angst, angst. Yeah, baby. Feel the burn!

(however, I don't go about bothering other people with my angst. I hoard it for myself. I have not once flung myself onto a subway rail, or lamented missing the My Chemical Romance concert and the unfairness of life.)

The only angst I feel is when something stops me writing, and I can't figure out what caused it or how to stop it.

Otherwise, angst just gives me hives. And if its teenagers having it, then it gives me a plague.

Having angst really isn't for the young and melodramatic. Acting out your internal angst is.

I hear the "you suck" voices in my head, but I don't agonize over them. I just stomp on them and keep on going. That is age and practicality.

Soccer Mom said:

Having angst really isn't for the young and melodramatic. Acting out your internal angst is.

I hear the "you suck" voices in my head, but I don't agonize over them. I just stomp on them and keep on going. That is age and practicality.

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I dont' know if it counts as angst, but the reason I get stories out of the house so fast after writing them is that if they sit around too long, I can talk myself out of the story being any good, and then it rots and I never send it out.

If I send it out right away, then I don't look at it, except when I get it back and send it to someone else. Keeps me from thinking about it.

The usual - I suck. This sucks. The story sucks. The characters are idiots. Why would anyone want to read this when I can't even stand to look at it. It'll never sell. That sort of thing.

It's almost like a routine now - I think I'd miss it if it left

PeeDee said:

I dont' know if it counts as angst, but the reason I get stories out of the house so fast after writing them is that if they sit around too long, I can talk myself out of the story being any good, and then it rots and I never send it out.

If I send it out right away, then I don't look at it, except when I get it back and send it to someone else. Keeps me from thinking about it.

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which is one of my big stalls, because of the time factor, it takes me too long to get through a novel. I have time to agonize over the characters, think too much about the plot and have stalls I can't explain or don't understand. it muddies up the works. pisses me off. If I could get them done and gone it would be such a blessing!

You piece of crap, how could you ever think that this was possible? People don't just waltz into the beginnings of a writing career, you're so overblown with self-satisfaction from writing one or two good stories that the whole piece of garbage you wrote is just self-indulgent, adverb-wridden sewage. I can't believe you're wasting your time with this.

And so on.

I have the standard:

This is such crap and you're a fool to think you can do it professionally. You should stick to the mundane stuff you do that actually makes money. You're no better at this than anyone else and considerably worse than most. You wasted your talents when you were younger and now you have nothing left so just give up. You don't deserve any success because you're worthless.

It's a pretty steady refrain, even when I get positive feedback. It's always there in the background. It tells me nothing good comes without a price.

I just wallow in it for a while, cry a little, then suddenly have a thought from a character, and start writing again.

Soccer Mom said:

Having angst really isn't for the young and melodramatic. Acting out your internal angst is.

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Well said. I'm sure everyone of every age has some level of angst in their life about something.