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View Full Version : FAQ: What can I do with a Squashed Gopher?



Medievalist
04-01-2007, 07:28 AM
Many, many members have asked, so I'm going to provide the definitive answer: with a squashed gopher, you make gopher stew.

GOPHER STEW

6 lbs. gopher meat
1/4 lb. salt pork, cubed
3 Spanish onions, diced
5 stalks celery, diced
1 bell pepper, diced
3 (16 oz.) cans sliced tomatoes
10 c. water
2 datil peppers, whole
Salt and pepper to taste
3 potatoes, cubes
5 tbsp. brown flour (heat the flower, stirring gently, in a frying pan until all of it is lightly browned)
1/2 c. water

Thoroughly clean gopher meat, and drain off accumulated goo.

Render the salt pork in a good size iron pot.

Add meat and brown. Remove meat, drain on paper towels.

Add onions, celery and bell pepper to salt pork grease and saute until tender and slightly translucent.

Add tomatoes and a little water if needed and cook down to a pulp on low heat for about 2 hours.

Add gopher meat, 10 cups water and datil peppers and salt and pepper to taste.

Cook about 1 1/2 hours or until meat is tender.

Add potatoes the last 30 minutes of cooking.

Mix brown flour with water in a glass jar and shake vigorously.

Add Maker's Mark to taste; reserve large amounts for lubricating the cook.

Bring stew to a boil and thicken with flour mixture. Serve over rice

Dawno
04-15-2007, 01:55 AM
Can one add or substitute eggplant in this recipe?

Ol' Fashioned Girl
04-15-2007, 02:05 AM
Not without losing the meaty flavor of the gopher.

Shwebb
04-15-2007, 03:18 AM
Squashed gopher also makes a great second base. Just as long as you don't do a Pete Rose slide into it.

Haggis
04-15-2007, 03:25 AM
I was getting ready to make this, but I ran out of datil peppers.

Unique
04-15-2007, 05:29 AM
I was gonna say, 'Do lunch' but it's already been served.

Pagey's_Girl
04-15-2007, 06:03 AM
Uh - is this how gopher is supposed to taste?

louisgodwin
04-15-2007, 09:39 AM
::munching::

Kinda tastes like chicken.

Medievalist
04-16-2007, 01:51 AM
Can one add or substitute eggplant in this recipe?

Yes, of course, eggplant is always good. You'll likely need less Maker's Mark though, which means more for the cook; also always good.

scarletpeaches
04-16-2007, 01:52 AM
Might I enquire as to any use for Orlando Bloom in this recipe?

Medievalist
04-16-2007, 02:08 AM
Might I enquire as to any use for Orlando Bloom in this recipe?

You can inquire . . . ;)

Rolling Thunder
04-16-2007, 02:25 AM
Are Orlando Bloomin onions better as a side dish?

Chumplet
04-16-2007, 02:36 AM
Tell the squashed gopher's children that it's best to look both ways before crossing the road.

scarletpeaches
04-16-2007, 02:38 AM
You can inquire . . . ;)

Oh. Wait. Is he the dinner plate? :e2brows:

RobertBritt
04-17-2007, 07:03 PM
So where can I gopher a helping of the stew...? Rowdkill Cafe?

Rob
www.RobertBritt.com
www.SomeoneElsesTomorrow.com <---my latest novel

JimmyB27
04-17-2007, 07:49 PM
:cry: I'm shocked - as would any UK child of the eighties be...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gordon_the_Gopher

Braydie
04-18-2007, 04:46 AM
I live way out in the country, and there's never a lack of roadkill in our area. Can possum or groundhog be substituted for gopher, or would one lose a certain distinct texture or flavor? We have so many recipes for what's available, and, it's just so tedious to separate the innards from the muscle if it isn't worth the effort. I'd hate to waste a perfectly good smashed groundhog.

Medievalist
04-18-2007, 06:36 AM
I live way out in the country, and there's never a lack of roadkill in our area. Can possum or groundhog be substituted for gopher, or would one lose a certain distinct texture or flavor?

The beauty of a recipe like this one is that it's exceedingly flexible; the squashed gopher can easily replaced by the roadkill or tofu of your choice. The Maker's Mark, however, can't really be replaced, though the amount of course (for the stew or the cook) is a matter of personal taste. I should warn you that Jack Daniels will have a deletarious effect.

Soccer Mom
04-18-2007, 07:13 AM
Personally, I like to serve Gopher Stew in a bread bowl.

Jaycinth
04-18-2007, 08:31 PM
Stew's first name is 'Gopher'??????

Soccer Mom
04-19-2007, 06:43 AM
Stew's first name is 'Gopher'??????

She was on loveboat. Didn't you know? I hear she's gonna run for congress next.

C.bronco
04-19-2007, 08:12 PM
So where can I gopher a helping of the stew...? Rowdkill Cafe?

Rob
www.RobertBritt.com (http://www.RobertBritt.com)
www.SomeoneElsesTomorrow.com (http://www.SomeoneElsesTomorrow.com) <---my latest novel
There actually is a place called Roadkill Cafe. My mom always referred to them as critter fritters.
I substitute gopher extract in many of my recipes when I run out of PHENTERMINE.

Pagey's_Girl
04-20-2007, 06:08 AM
Muskrat also makes an acceptable substitute, especially if marinated overnight in a little red wine and Worcestershire sauce...

robeiae
05-16-2007, 05:09 PM
If you are going to use muskrat, you have to serve it in a captain's hat.

And there are other things I can do with a squashed gopher:

I can use it as a toupee
I can insulate my stereo components with it
I can make it into a fuzzy slingshot
I can put it in my salad at a restaurant and get a free meal
I can sell it to Taco Bell, for use as filling
I can put it in a blender, add vinegar and make perfume (ode de Gopher)

Just for starters.

Unique
07-05-2007, 10:32 PM
I didn't know you were so creative, robeiae. I mean ... I knew you were but

SHAZAAM!

move along... nothing here to see. .. ..

PattiTheWicked
07-06-2007, 01:22 AM
If you grind the meat instead of chopping it, and eliminate the liquids, you could use this recipe for some gopherburgers. Delish!

Sisterlover
09-22-2007, 12:45 AM
Good Lord. 6 lbs of gopher meat is practically a colony (or herd, or flock, or whatever plural term apply to gophers; probably gophi)
I have found that a suitable substitute is mechanically separated beef/and or mutton, similar to Puritan's brand of questionable stew, should the desired gopher be unobtainable or otherwise elusive. Chipmunk, squirrel and the more common mole also make a palatable substitute; if spiced correctly they will rival the gopher in texture and taste. For you vegematarians, Topher (a tofu substitute) is available but does contain traces of nut meat (gopher nut, for anaphylactics is safe, just gross. Fortunately, the nuts of the gopher are small) Don't say you werent warned.

MacAllister
09-22-2007, 01:01 AM
....

"should the desired gopher be unobtainable or otherwise elusive."

Oh my.

You're going to do well, here. It already shows.

Haggis
09-22-2007, 01:06 AM
Clearly that should win some kind of award for best first post ever.

MidnightMuse
09-22-2007, 01:10 AM
Thank God I can't be mistaken for an otherwise unobtainable gopher!

Rolling Thunder
09-22-2007, 01:13 AM
*eyes MM*

You still look like meat to me.

MidnightMuse
09-22-2007, 01:31 AM
Aww, Thnder, you always say the nicest things :D

Matera the Mad
03-13-2008, 05:11 AM
The best beef roast I ever had was road-gifted porcupine :D
-- and the "oxtail soup" I made from the tail and damaged parts was awesome.

Gophers don't turn up often in my neighborhood, or somebody else gets there first.

writin52
03-13-2008, 05:11 PM
So, I guess you have to steak,(I mean stake) out the best spots so you'll get the choicest bits, right, Matera the Mad?

gophergrrrl
06-11-2008, 07:17 PM
Gopher... stew?...*gasp* :(

Deb Kinnard
06-13-2008, 04:46 PM
Only on AW could a person expect to find such a thread as this. A good thing...I think.

Maybe.

Nicki B
07-23-2008, 04:08 PM
Is there a good vegetarian substitute for the gopher and pork?

Pagey's_Girl
07-23-2008, 04:47 PM
Is there a good vegetarian substitute for the gopher and pork?

Topher will work, along with I Can't Believe It's Not Pig!TM

ETA: Unfortunatley, with the current questions concerning the safety of jalepeno peppers, we have been forced to remove Gopher Nachos from the menu until further notice.

Medievalist
07-23-2008, 05:23 PM
Topher will work, along with I Can't Believe It's Not Pig!TM

ETA: Unfortunatley, with the current questions concerning the safety of jalepeno peppers, we have been forced to remove Gopher Nachos from the menu until further notice.

I suggest substituting additional Maker's Mark.

X900BattleGrape
08-01-2008, 03:52 AM
I feel I must share some related information to the original post. For some reason I was possessed to type odd things into yahoo and see what came up. One day it was "Yak hooves", and found a site that included a lot of regular recipes and one not-so-regular one...for the culinarily daring only.

"You must do as well as possible with the ingredients. In the original recipe, spices available only in the upper Nile Valley were to be used. These included the ground seed of the Ramses cactus, extract of elephant dung, and asp a**. However, in U.S.A., we must do the best we can.

5 pounds camels' lips
4 gallons vinegar
1 cup mixed pickling spices
3 cups sugar
1 cup meat tenderizer
1 bottle of cream sherry

Place pickling spices in a cheesecloth bag and tie securely. Mix all remaining ingredients in a large stock pot. Add spice bag, cover and let stand for 24 hours. Remove camels' lips and test for tenderness. If your knife blade does not dull immediately when trying to slice them, proceed with slicing them into 1/8 inch slices. Drain all liquid into a large stockpot. Bring to a boil and add sliced camels' lips. Simmer for 3 days. Pour a small (4 oz) glass of cream sherry. Sip it slowly. Pour the rest of the bottle into the camels' lips. Adjust seasoning. Add equal amounts of sugar and water when mixture begins to dry out. When lips are tender, bring to a vigorous boil and pack into hot gallon jars, leaving 1/2 inch head space. Adjust 2 piece caps and process in water bath 1 hour. Makes 2 to 3 gallons, depending on the size of the lips. Best used to keep the peace in your household, i.e., "I think we will have pickled camels' lips for dinner tonight."

NOTES:

* Try to get lips from young camels, as they do not take as long to tenderize.
* Candied yak hooves are a nice addition and provide an earthy flavor that must be experienced!
* Do not taste test until lips have boiled thoroughly."

basilsands
09-11-2008, 12:25 AM
An important question seems to have been missed here:

How long has the gopher been squashed and by what?

That determines the quality, quantity, and "other" tastes that may be involved.

Living in a state where roadkill ranges from 10 ounce tree-squirrels to 1200 lb Moose this is a question one often considers.

If enough parts are there, and the taste of petroleum products not present...put it on a stick and roast it.

Mmmmm....I love bbq.