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DreamWorks
03-29-2007, 07:41 PM
Please give me your honest opinion on the following lyrics. This is a song inspired by holocaust survivors, so I would like my lyrics to be as touching/ inspiring/ comforting as possible. I think I still have a ways to go, but any input will be greatly appreciated!!

I would love it if you would rate the lyrics (if you feel like being saintly - every stanza!) from 1-10.

I never thought I'd see the day,
When happy children laughed and played
When little birds sang high above me
I thought those days had gone away

The sun is smiling all around
It is a new and brighter day
When I turn and look behind
It seems my trouble's gone away

And still there's memories of the pain
that I had lived through yesterday
and no, it shall not be forgotten,
or it will have been in vain

but I am here and all is bright
can I have found my happy end?
Why it was only yesterday
I thought I'd never smile again

When you have known the kind of sorrow
That I have then you will know
When you've lost hope for tomorrow
And it comes to you although

You didn't dream it would
You see the world in different eyes

The birds are singing in the trees
And happy children laugh and play
And I would not have even noticed
Were it not for yesterday

like the sun that sets and rises
every day, then so must I
never fading, never dying
I will keep my soul alive

valeenc
03-30-2007, 03:50 PM
As it stands on its own, I cannot tell that this is a song about a holocaust survivor or survivors. Contextually, however, it could work. It is difficult to comment without knowing its purpose. Is this a stand alone song? Is it part of a greater something, a musical perhaps? And if it's the latter, who is the person singing? Age? Gender? Where are they? Why are they singing this lyric? Why are their troubles not mentioned until the third stanza and then so generically?

You might bring in death trains and concentration camps. Was this person hungry back then? Did they see their family members die? Do they have survivor's guilt? Does a specific birdsong trigger a memory about that time? Or is there a flower that is mindful of one outside a barbed wire fence?

Tell me more. Again, as it stands, I just don't get holocaust at all.

DreamWorks
03-30-2007, 04:42 PM
hmmm... thank you! for the moment I wrote this as a standalone. I don't want people to think about the holocaust when they read this neccesarily, I was just stating where I got my inspiration from and that I would like it to be touching and meaningful. Its too esoteric, as it is?

carlylyncoe
03-31-2007, 04:26 AM
Please give me your honest opinion on the following lyrics. This is a song inspired by holocaust survivors, so I would like my lyrics to be as touching/ inspiring/ comforting as possible. I think I still have a ways to go, but any input will be greatly appreciated!!



I would love it if you would rate the lyrics (if you feel like being saintly - every stanza!) from 1-10.


I never thought I'd see the day,--------------------10

When happy children laughed and played----------7(happy children would laugh and play)

When little birds sang high above me----little birds would sing above

I thought those days had gone away


The sun is smiling all around---------7
It is a new and brighter day-------it's
When I turn and look behind---------9
It seems my trouble's gone away-------------drop the "my"


And still there's memories of the pain -----drop the 'and'
that I had lived through yesterday----that seems like yesterday

and no, it shall not be forgotten, --------it will not be forgotten

or it will have been in vain----nor will it have been in vain


but I am here and all is bright----We are here and all is brignt

can I have found my happy end?---could this be our happy end?

Why, it was only yesterday-----------9
I thought I'd never smile again-------9


When you have known the kind of sorrow------when you know this kind of sorrow

That I have then you will know----lose this whole line
When you've lost hope for tomorrow----all hope for tomorrow

And it comes to you although----from here on it is choppy and needs revision.

And hope returns through the sorrow
we will know our dreams of tomorrow;
we will see the world through brand new eyes.




The birds are singing in the trees
And happy children laugh and play
And I would not have even noticed
Were it not for yesterday


like the sun that sets and rises
every day, then so must I
never fading, never dying
I will keep my soul alive






I think you might be writing about 9-11 perhaps. I would change just a few things-----------


Hope this helps and doesn't screw up what you intended.

DreamWorks
03-31-2007, 07:43 AM
Oh no, Carlylyncoe, that is a huge help! and thank you for the high marks :)
I really appreciate it greatly. i hope to write a song that is about surviving, and finding strength to continue after. i am glad it made u think about 9-11

Mandy-Jane
03-31-2007, 08:44 AM
I really like your lyrics DreamWorks. They give a feeling of relief and gratefulness felt after sadness or despair. Believe me, I'm no poet or songwriter, but I think they're great. Overall, I would probably give about an 8 out of 10.

pink lily
03-31-2007, 07:35 PM
I wouldn't change a thing, it looks good.

DreamWorks
04-01-2007, 12:46 AM
Great! Thank you both so much! 8 out of ten is sweet for me :)