D'oh!!! Stupid Navy!!!

*SIGH*

I spent 3 weeks gathering everything on my husband's list so I could send him the World's Greatest Ever Care Package. Enough candy to put him in a sugar coma the instant he opens the box, herbs from our acupuncturist since he's running low, more porn than a boy could ever need, and Girl Scout Cookies.

They onloaded mail yesterday. He e-mailed me this morning and said he hadn't received the package yet, but mail was still being sorted.

This afternoon, he e-mails me again. He still hasn't received the package. Sorting is almost complete. But there's more...

Seems two pallets...PALLETS...of mail were lost at sea during onload.

From the looks of it, $50+ worth of porn, 10 lbs of candy, some herbs, and a jar of honey are now on the bottom of the ocean somewhere.


Someday, some diver of the future is going to find that box and its contents -- all of which were lovingly sealed in plastic in case the box got wet -- and wonder just WTF was wrong with 21st century Earth.

What a waste of porn. And chocolate.

FatTire said:

What an AWESOME wife for sending your husband PORN!!! What ship is he on?

Sorry about your care package. Sort of funny when you think about it, that porn is on the bottom of the sea floor, just waiting to be discovered by some one of the future...

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He's on the USS Bataan. I ALWAYS send him porn when he's at sea. The stack he brought home from his last cruise was easily three inches thick, and I know some of the guys "borrowed" a few copies and never returned them.

Porn at the bottom of the ocean...there's a story possibility there...

"Porn Beneath The Sea: Discovering A Past Civilization Through Airbrushed Pictures of Naked People"

billythrilly7th said:

He'll get the package within 24-96 hours.

Your care package did not sink to the bottom of the ocean.

You heard it here first.

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It better show up. If not...I'm coming after you, because you have my husband's porn and honey.

dclary said:

I'm with Billy. Believe it or not, shipping stuff to a combat zone isn't as instantaneous as fed-exing something to Cleveland.

Disregarding the particularly violent nature of Cleveland.

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Yes, I realize that: however, most of the mail has been distributed, and two pallets of mail did go "splash". SOmehow I don't think they're going to do a deep sea recon mission to get it.

Unless of course, the CO's wife sent him a care package that didn't show. Then I'm sure they'll bring it back up...

Akuma said:

Well, look on the bright side.
Your husband won't be exhausted from the porn and he won't be diabetic, either.
Still. 50 shells. . .

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Oh, he has porn with him. Just not fresh new porn. ANd the ship's store has enough shitty food to make him diabetic. LOL I was just hoping to give him some food that tasted good. LOL

Oh well...I'll give it a few more days, since there's still a little bit of mail left for them to sort through, and then it's back to the candy store and the dirty store to replenish his supply of sugar and debauchery.

scarletpeaches said:

Man, what a loving wife to send porn. You're so cool.

I bet you share 'special movie time' when he's home.

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We do...except when our cat interferes She either a) bats at whatever she sees moving on the screen, or b) steps on the remote and -- I swear I am NOT making this up -- changes the channel to the 700 Club.

Since her name is "Midget", you can imagine the jokes about "Kitty Porn", "Midget Porn", and "Midget Kitty Porn"...

jst5150 said:

And this is the part where I come off sounding like the bad guy ("say goo'night to da bad guy, Ohhkay! C'mon Manny ...") ...

If you really did put porn in the package, and it got into the military mail handlers, it's been confiscated and you're husband will probably face some sort of UCMJ punishment.

That's bad juju for anyone deployed right now. Most deployed locations won't allow a whole raft of things. Porn and alcohol, however, are definitely covered in General Order 1. Among other things not allowed: Maxim magazine, weight lifting magazines and most swimsuit issues of any kind.

So, hopefully, when you say, "Porn," you really mean "sports illustrated."

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Oh please. I have sent him more porn than you can imagine, as have many of the wives (to their husbands, not mine). They don't have the time or inclination to sort through every package that comes on board unless it's ticking, vibrating, or covered in white powder. Yes, it is contraband, and technically he could get court-martialed for it (or at least go to mast), but it is NOT an often-enforced regulation. I can promise you that there are dirty magazines all over that ship.

Plus, he's on a ship -- the regulations aren't as tight as in ground combat zones.

So yeah, technically it's a violation. But in reality, they have far more pressing issues to deal with than confiscating magazines. He did once have a "Playboy" confiscated when he tried to bring it on board (different ship). The MP said he didn't approve of porn because he had an 8 yr old daughter. Nothing happened to my husband except that he was out $8 for a magazine. Another friend of mine who worked in security said that the security dept on that ship had the biggest porn stash EVER from everything they confiscated.

dclary said:

She said she built it based on a list her husband gave her, and he was likely smart enough to base his list on the list his CO gave him, so there's probably nothing awry here.

Probably.

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The list was the various munchies and stuff he wanted.

I know his taste in magazines, so he didn't have to get too specific.

Haggis said:

I hear you bud, and I know you've been there. But how is a recipient responsible for what someone else sends him? And how could he personally get in trouble for that? He isn't the one who violated the general order, after all.

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Good point. I'm not breaking any laws by sending the magazines to the ship. If I sent something like a weapon, that's one thing...but a magazine, not so much.

Confiscation? Perhaps. But if his CO had a heart at all, he'd let the porn come through along with everything else.

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Exactly. LOL

Akuma said:

Well, maybe not having fresh porn is good.

He'll have some time to get the know the girls, rather than just use them for sex.

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Yeah, but then there's that bond, and when the new magazines come in, well, breaking up IS hard to do. And of course, when he gets home and doesn't need her anymore...

Thinker. This is the weirdest conversation I've ever had.

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*sniff* That's the best compliment I've ever received.

scarletpeaches said:

Pages sticking together, huh?

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Yeah. And he said the centerfold has a headache.