Some questions for mormons....

I'm not LDS, but I lived in Salt Lake City for many years.

Sorry, but your questions really can't be answered briefly; like most things, the reality is complex. I think your best bet would be to find an LDS person who would be willing to talk to you about it, perhaps on the phone. I know there are some LDS AW members.

I don't think you'll be able to find many actual practicing Mormons who will answer you. You can try asking ex-Mormons, though. Or just browse one of their forums, such as: http://www.exmo-social.com/

Bravo said:

i'm planning on writing an article about mormon youth in modern society.

i was hoping someone could explain the dating process for followers. for example, how involved is the community/family?

and what about premarital sex? i know its strictly forbidden, but what's the reality and does mormon society have some way of "preventing" it (like disallowing dating teens from being alone together, etc)?

thank you

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I don't know why Janice thinks practicing mormons wouldn't be willing to answer, it's not like we're ashamed of anything.

Dating is very individual so I will speak from my own experiences. In our house the rule was no dating at all until we were sixteen. Not a single one of us faced the reality of teenaged pregnancy because of it. It also kept a lot of complication out of our young lives.

My family was very involved. We spent time every evening reading scripts, saying our prayers, talking to each other. As the youngest of 7 kids this made us a very close family. We've never had a family feud or hard feelings between us. I still talk to all of them at least once a week despite being in different states and such.

As for the community we have youth groups that meet at least on Tuesday, we have church sports, group volunteer and service projects and so forth.

As for the church and guidelines and suggestions they put out A Strength for the Youth Pamplet. It gives guidelines to keep young people out of trouble and from going too far. Such as no necking, no petting, don't be out past a certain time. Don't date until you are 16 and only double dates, do single dates after 18.

Rules like no going into each other's bedrooms and things like that.

Beyond that in comes free agency. Of course you are going to have people engaging in it, but the numbers are a lot lower in the Mormon community than the community at large. If you do engage in it there are repentance processes to help you through it, family services if you get pregnant, and a very warm and loving environment. They do not encourage the feelings of shame but rather the feelings of regret and the desire to do better.

We believe that families are forever and so it's pretty important to us to wait and to only be with the one you plan on staying with forever. If you do engage in pre-marital sex you can't get married in the temple until at least a year after you are married and have gone through the proper repentance process.

I'm not really sure what all you want to know so if you have something more specific you'd like to ask I'd be happy to answer it.

Bravo said:

i'm planning on writing an article about mormon youth in modern society.

i was hoping someone could explain the dating process for followers. for example, how involved is the community/family?

and what about premarital sex? i know its strictly forbidden, but what's the reality and does mormon society have some way of "preventing" it (like disallowing dating teens from being alone together, etc)?

thank you

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Hey Bravo

Let me first start by saying that going to a site that has the premise of anti-Mormon literature will not give you correct information regarding the current practices of Latter-day Saints. And for someone to say that LDS will not want to answer your questions readily on such an important an issue demonstrates their existing bias that speaks against Mormons.

Now onto your questions:

Am I a Latter-day Saint (Mormon) officially Yes. I joined the LDS church at the age of 18 in South Dakota. I currently live in the Salt Lake Valley and I have been here for 24 years. At this point in my life I have stopped participating.

I have three children who I raised in the church up until I stop attending in 2002. The standards for teens follows:

It is strongly advised that the youth do not participate in dating until the age of 16 and then only double dating. Single dating to be after 18. Conservative or modest dress standards for both boys and girls is encouraged.

Is premarital sex forbidden? Forbidden is an ominous word. Though I can say it is spoken against and by many religious organizations in addition to the Mormon Church. And with good reason. The consequences for anyone having sex outside of marriage can be difficult but even more so for a teen.

For the Latter-day saint it is no different than anyone else. They have the right to choose if they will or not have sex before marriage. The only way to prevent teens from having it is through parental guidance like any other religion. The reality of it is, yes, some LDS kids choose to have premarital sex.

My son who is 15 objects to having the Church's dating standards enforced on him as he says I shouldn't make him do it based on my non-participation. However, I believe the standard are good ones. I don't care what religion someone is.

I am not sure if you have any other questions, feel free to ask me any time

Here is a link for you:

Strength for Youth

I was raised in the church in a small town in northern Utah. Every single person I knew, literally, was a member of the church, attended seminary with me, and the majority of them were weekly church goers.

We got The Lecture often.

Sex was something beautiful and sacred between husband and wife, but obviously, not something we should be indulging in. There were youth group activities once a week, and we were all reminded that when we went to dances, we should keep the thickness of a Book of Mormon between us and our dates. No dating until we were 16, and then only in groups. Group dating was strongly encouraged until you're 18-19.

Of course, then all the boys would leave for their missions. In my communityit was VERY common for 18 year old girls to marry returning missionaries. I guess they didn't want to wait?

That was the official story, btw. Of course, people were dating exclusively, even before they were 16, and knowing each other carnally. Hell, I started fooling around with my boyfriend the day after my 16th birthday and the fact that it was WRONG just made it hotter for me...

*sigh*

Those were the days.

Bravo said:

thank you guys.

that was exactly what i was looking for.

so LDS teens try to hang out with members of their religion in order to avoid some of the pressure and stigma associate with their conservative lifestyle?

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I think they associate with those they feel they have the most in common with like any other kids do. I think it is easier than having to deal with the...common let's go get drunk. But there are plenty of LDS kids wanting to get up to mischief so they probably end up hanging out with the LDS kids who are really active at church.

Bravo said:

thank you guys.

that was exactly what i was looking for.

so LDS teens try to hang out with members of their religion in order to avoid some of the pressure and stigma associate with their conservative lifestyle?

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I had more non-member friends than member friends. It wasn't intentional, I wasn't rebelling or anything, it just happened that way.

I had friends who got into every sort of trouble that you could imagine. One was pregnant by the time she was 12, a few others had tried just about every illegal drug in the book, raves happened quite often.

I could have done anything I wanted, but I just didn't want to. We are taught that our bodies are very sacred as houses for our spirits while we live here on earth and that we need to take good care of our bodies. Even so I can't stand the thought of something else taking control of my mind, pain killers drive be crazy.

I never once had any peer pressure from any of my friends. They knew my stance, they knew where I stood, and they respected me enough to not ask.

I drove a few times as the designated driver, I gave my phone number out to my friends and told them their lives weren't worth the risk even if it was one o'clock in the morning they could call me and I would drive them home. A few of them took me up on it and they were in pretty sorry shape.

At the same time I also had other friends who were members and so it all balanced out. Youth in the church do tons of things together.

Like one year for our youth activity (we get to go as a large group of youth with youth leaders to a fun place) we went to Mesa Verde and got to see the ruins. It was an amazing experience. We took pictures, had a heck of a lot of fun, and saw some things we'd never seen before.

I am not LDS, but my in elementary through high school, one of my daughters was very good friends with several LDS girls. I must say that I was impressed with the youth activities that the church organized for its teens to keep them busy and happy while being well-supervised. My daughter went to a lot of LDS activities, including their Ward dances and I always was happy to have her go because I knew there would be adult supervision. Later when she was older, she did a lot of what I suppose would be considered group dating as part of a 4-couple group Two couples were LDS, two were not. I felt that it took a lot of pressure off of her to be in this environment and it let her feel she had a lot of control over her social situation. I was pleasantly surprised that although she was invited to learn more about Mormonism and the Church, once she said she was not interested, the issue was dropped and she was never pressured to convert, even while she briefly dated an LDS boy (the most polite and dullest boy she has ever brought home). She gradually grew away from these friends when they went to BYU, but I felt the whole experience was very positive for her. To this day she does not drink alcohol (her choice completely) and I think it is because as a teen, she did not associate having fun with drinking (a lesson my other kids could have benefited from).

When I was a teenager, I didn't date until I was 16. Not enforced by parents (one was LDS< the other not), but my choice. A lot of the LDS kids I knew dated exclusively, but a lot more didn't. The vast majority (that I was aware of) didn't have sex, but some did. Of course there were varying degrees, like in all groups of people. I also lived in an area that didn't have a lot of LDS people, so most of my friends were not LDS, but a few were. My friends also never pressured me to do anything I didn't want to do, LDS or not, which was really cool.


Question for you, Bravo. Is this about LDS kids in the US, North America, or worldwide? How these questions are answered will vary by locality.

Bravo,

This is intriguing to me. I'd be interested in learning more about your article... i.e., are you writing about youth and religion in general and Mormon kids are a part of that group? Are you writing specifically about Mormons? (In which case it seems rather odd... an article offering information about a group of people written by someone who may not know that group well.)

In any event, your best bet is to speak to Mormon youth. Take a look at their take on their role in Modern society. My guess is you will get a wide spectrum of answers. Also, don't limit your queries to youth living in Utah. Mormon kids in other parts of the globe may share the same standards, but much different views on their place in the world.

For a surface view, the answers you have received above pretty much cover it. Dating guidelines, modesty in dress, word of wisdom (no smoking, no drinking, no coffee), youth activities, seminary (did anyone mention this yet? Mormon kids ages 14-18 attend a daily religious studies class called seminary. Where we live, the kids begin at 6 in the morning and go till 7 then get ready for school. This is another thing that will vary by region) - all these things are part of most LDS teenager's lives.
Among the many things that may vary are whether they hang out exclusively with other LDS kids (difficult to do if you are the only mormon in the school or one of very few - especially if you don't relate to the other 'members'), how they feel about their religion, how they relate to world issues as viewed through their belief system, how active they are in their community (service is highly emphasized), if they feel ostracized for their beliefs (such as not wanting to read a certain book in school because it contains material that is considered offensive, or being labeled homophobic because they don't wish to participate in the gay/straight alliance, etc.)

In short, "mormon youth in modern society" is a very broad, very complex subject. I say go to the source.

Best of success with it.

Lynda

lyndasan said:

...or being labeled homophobic because they don't wish to participate in the gay/straight alliance, etc.)

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It's not the non-participation that brings up questions of homophobia, it's the official school policies that make one wonder. In Salt Lake City, public school officials banned any school club resembling a gay/straight alliance. When the courts ruled they could not do that because it was discriminatory, they then simply dissolved all student clubs on campus. Their reasoning seemed to be that it was better to have no clubs at all then to allow the shame of having a gay/straight alliance in their schools.

Students, naturally, were upset over the loss of their clubs, and mostly blamed the gay students for causing so much trouble. Another step forward for teaching tolerance among the young.

As an active, practising member of the LDS Church, I'm interested in the variety of responses you've gotten to your request. Some of them seem wildly inaccurate when compared with my own experiences, such as JaniceR's suggestion that an ex-Mormon website would be more accurate or accessible than any one of the millions of members of the church. PepperlandGirl's response struck me as completely foreign and almost completely unrelated to the experiences of myself, my family or my friends.

For starters, LDS youth are teens. As such, to say that anything applies across the board isn't necessarily accurate. Teens are teens, regardless of their religious beliefs. They may be obedient or rebellious, they have differing levels of maturity, different interests, tastes, etc. Some are athletic, some aren't. Some are musical, some aren't. To assume that something as varied and individual as high school would be any less varied in the LDS segment of society would be shallow thinking in the extreme.

That said, a few basics are shared by active, practicing Mormons.
- Dating before age 16 is discouraged. (Why date before 16 anyway? What, are you going to have your Mom drive you around? Please - dating without a drivers license is lame.)
- Drinking, smoking, and drug use are all strongly discouraged. (Not to mention illegal for youth anyway)
- Sex outside of marriage is strongly discouraged. (Again, a simple guideline that makes a lot of sense.)

Naturally, being a non-dating, non-drinking, non-smoking, non-toking 15 year old in a high school that's filled with hundereds of teens who don't share your beliefs is a challenging experience. There's pressure to date early. There is alchohol and drug use at most parties, so you generally don't go.

Oh, and let's not forget the kids that go to other churches who want to 'save you' because you don't believe in Jesus, being Mormon and all. Except that you do. Does the name 'The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints' not indicate that? And how would that kid in your Biology class know what you believe anyway?

Somewhere between the social akwardness of living your values and the bizarre misconceptions people get about our faith, it's really easy to 'stick with your own'. Also, LDS teens, like any other group, can be a pretty social bunch. So we'll have our own dances where we don't have to worry about people making out in the corners, or dancing like strippers or spiking the punch.

We also have an active youth program that includes a lot of activity during the week. We have youth activities weekly, Seminary daily (usually in the early morning, before school), and go to church on Sundays. Needless to say, that takes some time, especially on top of a busy academic load.

Basically, teen life in the LDS church is just teen life minus sex, drugs and alcohol.

Stigma

Bravo said:

thank you guys.

that was exactly what i was looking for.

so LDS teens try to hang out with members of their religion in order to avoid some of the pressure and stigma associate with their conservative lifestyle?

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Stigma? That's an odd word to use. People always hang out with others who feel and believe the same as they do, Mormon or not, and it has nothing to do with stigma.

And whether Mormon, or any other Christian group, the main thing that prevents premarital sex is the same thing that prevents premarital stealing, premarital murder, or premarital drug use, which is a good upbringing, and parents who teach moral behavior.

PepperlandGirl's response struck me as completely foreign and almost completely unrelated to the experiences of myself, my family or my friends.

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Which part? The part where people were fooling around? They definitely were. And since the school I went to was 99.9% Mormon, they weren't being pressured by outsiders...

I guess it's a good thing I didn't mention that some of the biggest partiers in my school were often the ones passing out the Sacrament on Sunday...

Basically, teen life in the LDS church is just teen life minus sex, drugs and alcohol.

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Um, yeah. Your mileage will definitely vary on that one.

Well, it's foreign to my experiences. It's likely that this is because you were in Utah, with your 99.9% Mormon high school. As I said before, teens are teens regardless of their religious affiliation, and it's no surprise that in a population that's almost entirely LDS, even the kids getting into trouble were members.

Not to go off on a tangent in mid-rant, but that right there is the problem with Utah in general. A local culture exists that isn't even necessarily related to Mormonism as a religion, but because it's the dominant element in the culture. So even in a state where statistically such 'immoral' activities are far lower than in others, it's assumed that because it happens there, it happens everywhere, which isn't really the case.

My high school was 10% LDS, which outside of Utah, Idaho and Arizona is huge. I can tell you, I knew plenty of kids that were very much into sex, booze and drugs, but they weren't the LDS kids. And that has been far more consistent with the experiences of friends and family across the country than your own in Utah.

Of course, even living in Utah with LDS kids getting into trouble, I still feel safe in saying that those kids were the minority.

icerose said:

I don't know why Janice thinks practicing mormons wouldn't be willing to answer, it's not like we're ashamed of anything.

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What about the magic underwear?

JaniceR said:

What about the magic underwear?

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I actually had a LDS friend explain that one to me and in my opinion it's like having an aids pin on to show support for a sick friend.

It's a reminder of your values,and to be honest, what better way to be reminded of something than to see it whenever you take a leak.

As with everything, I've seen extremes about the magic underpants. There was a guy I worked with who was a "Nutjob" according to my LDS friend. He wouldn't ever take them completely off. According to him, he kept a leg out of the shower with his drawers on it and switched up so he never had to remove them completely. My friend's response to that was "WTF! That's crazy."


Granted religion in general doesn't really work for me. I was raised as a Southern Baptist, married a Pagan, and firmly believe that the human mind isn't capable of grasping what God is.

JaniceR said:

What about the magic underwear?

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Magic underwear? You have got to be kidding.

I'm guessing you are referring to garments and they aren't magic they are sacred. Very different.

1. It encourages modesty.

2. You have to go through the temple and make very sacred covenants to wear them. A covenant is a two way promise with God. You do your part and God will do his part.

3. There is a promise of protection I will share a personal experience to illustrate. My grandfather was working out on the farm when the horse he was riding was spooked by a tractor and threw him off. He was thrown through three sets of razor wire they were putting up. His clothes were shredded, all but his garments and the skin beneath the garments was untouched. No they aren't made out of any special material but they are special.

4. You don't have to like my religion, you don't have to agree with it, I would never force my beliefs on you, so please don't ostritize my religion because of your own experiences. Take it up with those you have issues with.

5. They are rather comfortable. Imagine never having the itchy material of your bra ever touch your skin ever again.

6. It reminds you that your religion isn't just a matter of convienence on Sunday but a way of life. Ask anyone who is truly living their beliefs, it is a way of life.

Clear enough?

Itchy bras? You can get some nice ones at Wal-Mart for a very low price... and sleep in on Sunday.

I thought it said "Some questions for morons" I guess it's getting late.

Don't forget to inquire about the magic underwear Bravo.

Ohhhh sorry, looks like it has been discussed.

Yeah okay...like Whoa and time out. This thread is meant to be discussing the teenage experience as a Latter-Day Saint. It is not a venue for religious debate or to talk about the various rumours surrounding the LDS and their practices that do NOT pertain to the youth.

Let's be respectful people and not use it as a platform for mis information.

I seriously thought that's what it said. I wasn't insinuating anything. I have a very good friend who is Mormon.

RumpleTumbler said:

I thought it said "Some questions for morons" I guess it's getting late.

Don't forget to inquire about the magic underwear Bravo.

Ohhhh sorry, looks like it has been discussed.

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You know, your joke is not only lame but as old as them there hills. And the teenagers don't wear temple garments so it isn't an appropriate discussion to the questions of the OP.

Casi (who thinks people with religious grudges ought to TIO) Just sayin'.