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Festus
03-12-2007, 07:42 AM
Have you ever experienced being overweight? I mean overweight so bad you could grab huge rolls of fat from your belly and sides and when you sat down you had enough lap for all three of your grandchildren at once, and your walk had degenerated into more of a waddle.

After hitting middle age, it’s both easier to put on weight and tougher to take it off. I’d spent three agonizing weeks of starving myself only on the fourth week to go on a eating rampage and regaining every bit of weight I’d lost, plus more.

Every diet, pill and treatment I could find, I’ve tried. Except the one where they clip your stomach. The hell with that, I didn’t like even the thought of surgery, must less the real deal.

I was sitting in front of the home entertainment center, flipping through all of the channels and finding nothing but garbage, reruns and political advertisements from crooks running for office. Then I reached the block of shopping channels.

Deals on jewelry that looked like the real thing and would turn your skin green a week or so after you started wearing it. Plants that would die ten minutes after I put them into the ground, and diet plan after diet plan. All of which I had tried and failed at, flickered as my pudgy finger would jab at the channel change button on my remote.

I had reached the last shopping channel, this one selling oversized clothing I had purchased only to see it unravel after the first washing, when I jabbed the button again. I was expecting a Historical channel, but what I got was a paid commercial program instead.

This one advertised a new diet clinic I had never heard of, right here in my town, the Light Clinic. I stared to jab the button again, when a phrase caught my ear. “We offer a notarized guarantee ten of ten times your money back if you don’t loose the entire amount of weight you desire in one day. That’s right! Ten times your invested money back if you haven’t lost the entire amount of weight you desire by the next calendar day.”

Now how in the world could any clinic make such a ridiculous statement as that? Intrigued, I watched the entire segment. Their special, patented process was guaranteed to cause no damage of any kind to the client. That was good, because I had started wondering if they were planning to amputate all of my limbs. I could always use the extra money, couldn’t anyone? So I decided to go to their grand opening the next day.

Look, I had an ice cubes chance in hell of losing 230 pounds in one calendar day. Once I had signed up at a zero calorie residential clinic. It had been extremely easy to bribe an orderly to bring me a box of candy bars every evening. Whatever kind of a program they had, I was absolutely certain that I could defeat it.

The next morning found me waddling out to my full sized truck, about the only mode of transportation I could find that I could in and out of easily. I had, the night before, called a friend of mine, a police officer, to let him know where I was going and if I didn’t come out of there in 24 hours to bring a swat team in to get me.

I am not a trusting person. The idea had come into my mind that these folks might be a front for a bunch of cannibals looking for well marbled meat. If it was, I didn’t want them to get away with it.

Parking my truck in the huge, packed parking lot. I joined a throng of other obese people in a slow waddle into the warehouse sized clinic. This is great, I thought, it’ll probably take me thirty six hours to get processed here with all these other jelly belly’s here.

Imagine my surprise when I finally got through the double wide entry door to find a line of the clinic’s representatives equal to the number of us entering.

A very beautiful young lady smiled at me and asked me to follow her before my shadow had cleared the doorway.

Now this was too good to be true, surely I was going to be led to a waiting room somewhere. No, I was led into a small, but very comfortable office and invited to sit in an overstuffed chair that had it hands down over my chairs at home.

“Hello, my name is Casi.” Her voice was as musical as the rest of her was beautiful. “Hi, I’m John Donners.”

“This won’t take long Mr. Donners. Would you please hand me that remote, I forgot I left it on the table beside you.”


Sure enough, on the far side of me was a lamp table with what looked like a standard TV remote on it. I picked it up and labored to pass it from one hand to the other over my expanse of belly, but I stuck with it and triumphed, handing the remote to her.

“Thank you, Mr. Donner.” It was a pleasure to watch her as she glided to the seat behind her desk. I watched as she seated herself, then placed the remote on a pad connected to the computer in front of her.

Almost immediately, the printer began functioning behind her, She turned in her chair, retrieved the paper and quickly read it.

“How much weight did you want to lose, Mr. Donner?”

“Well, Casi, I’d like to get down to my recommended weight of 165 pounds.”

She nodded and stood, handing me the paper. I looked at it. It had my name, address, phone number printed on it. Below that was the following: The party of the first part, the Light Clinic, hereby states and affirms that for a fee of fifteen thousand dollars we shall enable the party of the second part, my name,to lose two hundred and thirty pounds, changing (my name) from a current weight of three hundred and eighty eight Pounds to one hundred and sixty five pounds before twenty four hours after the time of signing this document. Failure to do so will result in the party of the first part being immediately liable to pay party of the second part (my name) the sum of One Hundred Fifty Thousand Dollars. This contract is binding. There are no conditions, limitations or other clauses in effect to mitigate any of the above. Signature of company representative(Casi Stone), signature of client (my name) authorized by: Shweta Nevada, Licensed Notary Republic (My State), license expiration date, (two years from Friday of last week).

Now this was odd as hell. Fifteen Thousand Dollars was exactly half of what I had in my savings account. I weighted my self at home and had thought I was a couple of pounds heavier that what was on the document, but the massive exertion of getting my 5'7" body here could account for two pounds.

But, how in the hell did they know what I weighted? Much less the other information. As far as the contract went, though, I could see no faults in it. Looked like easy money to me. “Is this it? I mean, this is the whole contract?”

“It certainly is, Mr. Donners! You are probably wondering about the information we obtained on you. This, she lifted the remote up” is the very latest in technology. It automatically gathered all the necessary date we needed to process your contract. Isn’t that wonderful?”

My goodness, that young lady had a dazzling smile. I agreed that it was. She pushed a button on the remote unit and within ten seconds another beautiful woman walked in with a matching dazzling smile.

“Hello, Mr. Donners, I’m Shweta Nevada, the licensed Notary here.” The sweet perfumes of both of these wonderful ladies combined into a blissful fragrance that was almost drug like. “Do you have any questions?”

Yeah, I had some dandy ones, but they’d probably get me ushered out of here so quick my shadow would left behind. Numbly, I signed the document, Casi signed, then Shweta signed. My eyes were almost closed, smelling that wonderful combination of their perfumes and having fantasies in my mind.


“Mr. Donner?” I looked over at Casi. She was holding something in her hand that emitted a sudden bright flash of overpowering, white light that caused me to close my eyes.

When I opened them again, I was in another place. I was also totally encased in some kind of suit that wouldn’t let me move more than my mouth and eye lids.

I heard a very deep voice behind me say, “Oh, he’s awake now, excuse me for a moment, Rider.” There was a sound of heavy footsteps coming around me then I saw what had to be the biggest, muscle bound, bearded man I had ever seen in my life come to stand before me.

“John Festus Donner, You may call me Brian Jed-Peters. I represent a special health rescue mission from an advanced civilization that see’s great potential in your race to advance and enter the Galaxy Combine. Right now, you are in the child stage of your development, If the current health situation of your races on Earth are not corrected, you’ll never make it.”

He began to walk around me, still talking. “You are in a special conditioning suit. For the next year or so of your time, it shall condition you. You will be unable to resist it. The conditioning will affect your eating habits, caloric intake and instill a exercise program into your brain. All these things will be a permanent fixture of your physic when you are down to your desired weight.”

My mind was reeling, but a portion of it wanted to say, “Ah-ha! Got you bastards! A years time will mean you’ll owe me a hundred fifty thousand dollars!” I would have, too. But I was unable to talk. My mouth was dry, almost instantly, cool water was in it. I swallowed on my own. He continued to talk as he walked around me.

“You may be wondering about the approximate time period I quoted you. You, sir, are in a different dimension with different time flow from your own. Be reassured that when you are returned, less that 23 hours since you signed the document. There are no loopholes in our agreement.”

Yeah? Well, what would keep me from suing the pants of that Light Clinic?

"You will also receive conditioning that you will only say good things about our clinic on your world, which, by the way, will have multiple branches in every major city on your planet. Well, enough of that. Think positive thoughts, Mr. Donner.”

I begin to work briskly while swinging my arms. It wasn’t my doing at all. I tried to tell my body to stop, but it wouldn’t do anything I said, except blink my eyelids. My body and I were briskly walked out of the building to a huge running track under a green sky. There were others already on it. I continued walking briskly and swinging my arms vigorously, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.

I knew there had to be a catch to this deal.