Worst Movies You've Ever Seen??

TheGaffer

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Let's hear it, y'all. The ones that really made you most angry, annoyed or just weep for Hollywood's craptacularness. Here's a group of mine, as briefly as I could do it (which isn't easy for me). Anyone else? Would love to see the ones you hate the most, or just take a whack at the stuff I've thrown up here:


1. Bamboozled -- Normally I like Spike Lee, but this is such an offensive mess, a disaster of the highest order, that I wanted to break the television afterwards. From the muddy cinematography, to the Damon Wayans-channels-Dr.-Evil-lead-performance, to the ham-fisted message, it's all just awful.

2. Vanilla Sky -- I've never wanted to kick Tom Cruise's ass so much, and that's saying something. What a ghastly train-wreck of a movie this is. A good way to know you've seen a truly terrible piece of crap is when the movie ends, and your first reaction is to stand up and say, "F*CK YOU!"

3. Young Guns -- This may seem like I'm picking on the low-hanging fruit here, but I only include it because for some strange reason, I did enjoy the second Young Guns movie, which had an air of stupidity and playfulness that this dreary turd did not. Emilio Estevez was never more annoying than this, and it's one of the few movies where I've been offended by the violence, and I can usually watch damned near anything.

4. Nurse Betty -- An absolute mess.

5. The Break-Up -- I spent the entire movie waiting for these people to break up for good, just so the movie would be over.

6. Tomb Raider - Again, I know we're going after low-hanging fruit here, but it exemplifies to me just about every way to screw up an action movie these days (for the prototype of a good one, see the Bourne movies). Looks as if it was edited in a food processor, boring, simplistic and uninteresting plot, lame villains, and a lead actress more interested in strutting than actually acting.

7. Swordfish -- See Tomb Raider, but instead of Angelina strutting, it's John Travolta. It's idiotic, kind of misogynistic, and the plot is intentionally indecipherable, and you just know one of those idiotic "twists" is coming at the end that's completely pointless. It's the kind of movie for those who thought "The Rock" was too subtle. (and I like "The Rock," the movie, that is, not the wrestler-turned-actor who is the son of Rocky Johnson). Before you get after me and say it's "just a popcorn movie," I'll say this - a popcorn movie has standards to live up to also. It may be popcorn, but it's stale popcorn that's also unfortunately gotten moist because your grandmother's been sticking her fingers into it after not sufficiently wiping her hands when stuffing it into her mouth.

8. Judge Dredd -- I had to put a Stallone film on here. This is as good as any other, frankly.

9. Wild Wild West -- I think Roger Ebert had the best line about this movie: "When you're making a Western, and your two heroes, at the very end, ride off into the sunset on a giant mechanical spider, something has gone wrong with your movie."


10. Star Wars - Episode I - The Phantom Menace - It's dreck. Absolute dreck. And a major disappointment for a Star Wars geek like myself. Every so often I'll see bits of it again, and wonder, "Just what in the hell was he thinking?"
 
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Anything with Keanu Reeves in it, IN PARTICULAR the heinous 'Sweet November'.

I laughed. I swear, I pissed my pants laughing at some of it, even more so when I realised it was supposed to be romantic.
 

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THE MATRIX was excellent and SPEED was a fine action film.

And BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA was an excellent telling of that tale in spite o Reeves.

So Reeves is not a total wash-out.
 

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THE BLACK DAHLIA was one of the worst movies that I have ever seen.
 

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King Arthur with Clive Owen.


Here's this brilliant premise, that King Arthur was more of a Roman Legionary (forgive the spelling, haven't had my coffee yet) and he was fighting these evil heathen hordes. This is the possible and probably true identity of Arthur, and so we see Clive Owen going into battle, majestically dressed, followed by his faithful men, against this almost unbeatable hoarde of men, and Clive Owen fights like a friggin' chick! He fights like a girl! You can't have the most legendary King in history fighting like a chick.

You know, pissed me off. I really wanted to like this movie.
 

thethinker42

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feardotcom -- Just BAD on so many levels. Hated it. Wanted to gouge my eyeballs out with a fork.

Star Wars: Phantom Plot -- 'nuff said

Star Wars: Attack of the Clones -- Lucas, I hate you.

Star Wars: Revenge of the Shit -- More like the revenge of a plot so stupid and characters so melodramatic ("Anakin, you're breaking my heart!" "You were supposed to be the Chosen One!" "Noooooooo!") it's almost making the ORIGINAL Star Wars movies suck by association. And that says a lot, because the originals ruled.

Saturday Night Fever -- If I ever needed any more reason to dislike John Revolta, this movie certainly gave it to me. Stupid story, lame dialogue, annoying characters.

Female Perversion -- Each passing scene just made me go...huh?? This is one of those movies that probably makes perfect sense to the writer and/or director...but is utter gibberish to the rest of the world.

Lovers of the Arctic Circle -- Could've been trimmed by an hour and MIGHT have been salvageable.

The Night Listener -- In all fairness, this probably was a good movie, but the previews all made it seem like a horror movie...ie., Robin Williams screaming into the phone, the kind of movie where you're expecting some psycho to jump out of the shadows and slash someone to death. It's more of a brain bender than anything, but a horror movie? Not so much. So, given the expectation raised by the previews I saw, the movie sucked.

The Marine -- Attention Hollywood: Stop turning professional wrestling stars into action heroes. It DOESN'T WORK, no matter how hot John Cena is.

Exorcist: The Beginnings -- Or whichever one it was where they found the church buried somewhere. The gore and violence might have been okay had they not been QUITE so gratuitous and actually advanced the plot once in a while. A young boy being torn apart by hyenas in front of his father and brother? Yeah, that scene could've been reduced by 80% and the audience would have gotten the point. It didn't need to go on NEARLY as long as it did. It passed the point of "oh, what a horrific scene, this ups the suspense and puts me on the edge of my seat" to "Jesus Christ, director!!! Enough already!! Fucking psycho..."

That's about all I can think of right now. I'm SURE there's more. I've enjoyed the vast majority of movies that I've seen, but man, there have been a few SHITTY movies in that mix! LOL

And, for the record, I think I'm the only person left on the planet that will admit that I LIKED "Titanic" and "Blair Witch Project" when they first came out (THEY DIDN'T GROSS ALL THAT MONEY BECAUSE NO ONE LIKED THEM, PEOPLE!!) and will STILL admit that I STILL like them.

And I liked "The Village". So there.
 

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THE BLACK DAHLIA was one of the worst movies that I have ever seen.

But the book was excellent! ;)

Worst movies I've ever seen:

EYES WIDE SHUT. I think the only point of this movie was to cram as many naked people into one scene as possible. Just....ew.

THE THIN RED LINE. It would have been an excellent film, if only it was an hour shorter. Do we really need ten minutes of jungle animal footage every half hour? Nature got more screen time than the actors.

THE VILLAGE. I got the "twist" after twenty minutes. The rest of the movie was just boring.

FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS. Eastwood was trying to tell too many stories at once, had too many V.O. narrations, and couldn't concentrate on any one thing. Too jumpy, not enough time spent on the supporting cast. It's sad when you're thinking "Great, the last of the dead guys finally died in flashback, so it's gotta be almost over, right? Right??"

This is all I've got off the top of my head. I'm sure more will come to me after I've had my coffee. :)
 

Shadow_Ferret

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The History of Violence -- How can a movie with that title be so booooring! And gah! Viggo is uuuuugly without his LOTR makeup.

Napoleon Dynamite -- WTF? What a waste of time, money, and celuloid that is. I think I smiled once, the rest of the time I stared in disbelief that anyone could even find it remotely entertaining.

Anything with Will Farrell, Ben Stiller, or Adam Sadler in it.

I'll post more as I recall them. Right now I'm blocking such horror.
King Arthur with Clive Owen.
Clive Owen fights like a friggin' chick! He fights like a girl!
And Maid Marion is portrayed as Xena Warrior Princess.

9. Wild Wild West -- I think Roger Ebert had the best line about this movie: "When you're making a Western, and your two heroes, at the very end, ride off into the sunset on a giant mechanical spider, something has gone wrong with your movie."
Quotes like this make me wonder if the person ever saw an episode of the original Wild, Wild West. It was, for all intents and purposes, steampunk and one of the first popularized attempts at it. Nothing wrong with riding off on a mechanical spider. There were plenty of other things wrong with that movie though.
 
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thethinker42

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EYES WIDE SHUT. I think the only point of this movie was to cram as many naked people into one scene as possible. Just....ew.

I hated that movie. The story was just contrived and stupid. I love all things Kubrick, but that one SUCKED. I disagree about the nakedness, though...for all the noise about the "perversion" and the amount of sex in the movie...it didn't seem like that much to me. Not in proportion to all the hype, anyway. Then again, I was still working in porn when that movie came out, so maybe my idea of "a lot of sex and/or naked people" in a movie was a bit skewed. LOL (That, and the biggest objection I heard from people was about the orgy scenes...since I know people who go to a club like the one in the movie -- minus the masks and weird ritual shit -- I guess it didn't phase me)

Also, I just hate Tom Cruise. So...that just made it worse.
 

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Dear god, I hated A History of Violence. I'm so glad it wasn't just me.

Others for my list -

American Pie
Sin City
Spider (this one had genius elements, which made its missing the mark all the more painful)
Brokeback Mountain (brave, yes, but that ain't enough to make two mumbling dimbulbs worth watching for two hours)
Superman Returns(way to miss the point, dumbutts)
And the most hilarious (in the wrong way) ending ever has to go to the director's cut of The Butterfly Effect

And to the rest of you no taste, no accounts, Napolean Dynamite was great. So was King Arthur and Vanilla Sky, but I still love you anyway. :)
 

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I'm probably gonna get 'thwapped' for this, but I loathed 'The English Patient'... book and movie. That's the first one that popped into my sleepy li'l head when I read the thread title, so it must've made a bad impression, eh? ;)
 

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I hate using the word worst for bad films because it can cuse confusion.

My latest script, The Wurst Movie, is set in the world of international bratwurst making competitions.

A one time champion bratwurst chef and now alcoholic Hormel factory worker, who lost his confidence when his assistant was killed in a freak meat grinder accident, is reunited with his son who challenges him to get back into the kitchen and go for the gold medal at the Sheboygan International Bratwurst Competition.
 

Maryn

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We played a game while watching Pearl Harbor and Flyboys on DVD, and the room was filled with winners. Every time we thought we knew a future plot point, we'd announce it to the room. ("Cuba Gooding's going to get to fight in a crucial moment when nobody white is available." "That won't be her kid. She's babysitting or something.") If it happened, we got a point. If it didn't, we lost a point.

There were no negative scores.

Maryn, no fan of predictability at that level
 

ChaosTitan

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And Maid Marion is portrayed as Xena Warrior Princess.

Guinevere?

I disagree about the nakedness, though...for all the noise about the "perversion" and the amount of sex in the movie...it didn't seem like that much to me.

It wasn't really the sex that bothered me, just the pointlessness of it. Graphic sex doesn't bother, and neither does nudity, if it serves a story. EWS had no story. I still can't figure out what that movie was supposed to be about.

I do recall reading that the initial cut of the film received an NC-17 because of excessive nudity. A lot of the women in that mansion scene had to have panties CGI-ed to their bodies to get the rating dropped to an R.
 

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THE MATRIX was excellent and SPEED was a fine action film.

And BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA was an excellent telling of that tale in spite o Reeves.

So Reeves is not a total wash-out.

Perhaps, but for me the Matrix was good, but not because of Reeves, the story was good, Keanu was secondary. I admit to liking Speed as well, but Dennis Hopper was great as the bad guy.

I gotta disagree with the Dracula one, though. Someone really should tell Winona that she absolutely cannot do an accent... of any kind. At all. That movie's saving grace was also the bad guy in Gary Oldman.

Off to babysit now.
 

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When I saw this thread, the first movie that popped (pooped?) into my head was The Treasure of the Four Crowns. We walked into a theatre thinking we were going to see a different movie. I think we got the titles mixed up. It was one of the last 3D movies from the early 80's. We walked out of the theatre.

Sometimes movies are so bad you gotta watch them over and over again. Something like watching a 30 car pileup. Like Krull.
 

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Someone really should tell Winona that she absolutely cannot do an accent... of any kind.
Agh! I'm allergic to Winona Ryder. When I see her on screen, my nose itches, I get hives and I have to kill someone. She's almost caused me much time in the State Pen, except that I took the three quarters of her brain that she doesn't use and, resultantly, am quite clever. I never get caught.
 

Jersey Chick

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I'll probably get walloped for this but here goes:

The Matrix - I, II, and III - what was the point??? I don't care how cool the effets are, the plot sucked, and it had Keanu. It was nearly 10 hours of my life I'll never get back and that makes me sad.

Scary Movie - been there, done that - Airplane! was sooo much better.

Napoleon Dynamite I smiled once or twice, but spent the rest of the time wishing I was anywhere but there. Everyone raved about it, I didn't see what was so funny.

Any of the "new" Star Wars movies - the original three were the best- why mess with it? Too soapy by half and the plot was another ho-hum, who cares? Where's Harrison Ford, damn it???

Those are my picks - I'll duck now :)
 

eldragon

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I loved Napoleon Dynamite.

We've had this exact same thread on AW several times, and each times Shadow Ferret say he hated Napoleon Dynamite, and I say I loved it and someone will give me a rep point that says "Whatever I feel like, Gosh!"
 

Ardellis

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Highlander 2. I swear, they hired a writing team for the sequel that had never even watched the first film. Aside from the fact that they reused the main characters from the first one, you'd have thought it took place in a completely different universe. And Sean Connery phoned it in. I had never seen him do that before.

Van Helsing. Even Hugh Jackman in leather couldn't save this pile of feces. Dracula was so totally unscary that I was laughing at him. Nothing made any sense. And what the heck was the deal with Kate Beckinsale's wardrobe? She could barely walk in those boots, let alone fight.