Please tell me what you think about these lyrics

A few comments on the first half of the song. And some of the meter isn't quite right as I "sing along".

VERSE
It’s five days short of twenty-nine months
She said as she leaned on her cane
He was my prince, the sun in my sky [I think you could do better with this line]
And I’m still feeling the pain

VERSE
All those who knew her said wasn’t it sad
That still she was counting the days [I might use "That she still counted the days"]
She needs to accept it and start moving on
…But I’m here to say [This might work, but something "stronger" might be better]

CHORUS
You never stop counting
You never forget [or "You can never forget"]
You can’t put it out of your mind
Although you keep living
Your heart still keeps track [To me, this line is awkward]
You don’t really leave it behind

I'm not sure I agree with Alleycat about the metre....
My only comment- at this point- would be that the subject of the song didn't come up and show itself to me... I was unsure- until your second post- what the song was about- beginning, middle and end, so to speak.
I thought it scanned quite well actually.

Serena Casey said:

Gosh. I stepped away from the computer and then I thought, Boy, I bet my post came off sounding like I was totally disregarding alleycat's input. I just want to add that I'm not—you have some good points and it's always good to get others' initial honest reactions, which is what I'm looking for. I don't like when people post looking for a critique and then proceed to defend every line. I hope that's not what I'm doing.

So really, thank you.

Click to expand...

That's okay. I didn't take your first reply as being argumentative.

I just sort of made up my own melody for the lyrics. When I did, I found some of the wording made it hard to sing (not that I can actually sing anyway). In other words, I stumbled a place or two trying to fit the words to the melody that seems to fit.

And, I was thinking in terms of commercial songs these days.

I think it's a beautiful concept, Serena. I think your next revision will be wonderful. At present, I think it's lovely. (If you can find it--look for my poem Emmy). Similiar idea, but different subject matter.




Mike