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Serena Casey
03-06-2007, 07:04 PM
I'm trying to complete my first song. For me, the lyrics are the "easy" part—we'll see if I can manage to come up with a good melody! Anyway, here's what I have so far, and I'd appreciate your input. Does anything sound odd or not fit, etc.? (I'll probably remove this in a few days.) Thanks!

alleycat
03-06-2007, 07:22 PM
A few comments on the first half of the song. And some of the meter isn't quite right as I "sing along".

VERSE
It’s five days short of twenty-nine months
She said as she leaned on her cane
He was my prince, the sun in my sky [I think you could do better with this line]
And I’m still feeling the pain

VERSE
All those who knew her said wasn’t it sad
That still she was counting the days [I might use "That she still counted the days"]
She needs to accept it and start moving on
…But I’m here to say [This might work, but something "stronger" might be better]

CHORUS
You never stop counting
You never forget [or "You can never forget"]
You can’t put it out of your mind
Although you keep living
Your heart still keeps track [To me, this line is awkward]
You don’t really leave it behind

Serena Casey
03-06-2007, 07:41 PM
Thank you, alleycat, for your ideas. You're right, the meter isn't perfect, but I'm not as strict about that in a song as I would be in a poem since it's easier to correct for in a song. In the melody that's been going through my head, it seems to work, but I don't know if that's the one I'll end up with.

The song was inspired by an 80-some-year-old woman I know, and the first verse is based on something she actually said to me when I saw her a few weeks ago.

Thanks again for taking the time to critique! :) Additional comments from anyone are appreciated.

Serena Casey
03-06-2007, 07:50 PM
Gosh. I stepped away from the computer and then I thought, Boy, I bet my post came off sounding like I was totally disregarding alleycat's input. I just want to add that I'm not—you have some good points and it's always good to get others' initial honest reactions, which is what I'm looking for. I don't like when people post looking for a critique and then proceed to defend every line. I hope that's not what I'm doing.

So really, thank you. :)

Martin Hall-Kenny
03-06-2007, 08:11 PM
I'm not sure I agree with Alleycat about the metre....
My only comment- at this point- would be that the subject of the song didn't come up and show itself to me... I was unsure- until your second post- what the song was about- beginning, middle and end, so to speak.
I thought it scanned quite well actually.

alleycat
03-06-2007, 08:18 PM
Gosh. I stepped away from the computer and then I thought, Boy, I bet my post came off sounding like I was totally disregarding alleycat's input. I just want to add that I'm not—you have some good points and it's always good to get others' initial honest reactions, which is what I'm looking for. I don't like when people post looking for a critique and then proceed to defend every line. I hope that's not what I'm doing.

So really, thank you. :)
That's okay. I didn't take your first reply as being argumentative.

I just sort of made up my own melody for the lyrics. When I did, I found some of the wording made it hard to sing (not that I can actually sing anyway). In other words, I stumbled a place or two trying to fit the words to the melody that seems to fit.

And, I was thinking in terms of commercial songs these days.

moblues
03-07-2007, 10:47 AM
I think it's a beautiful concept, Serena. I think your next revision will be wonderful. At present, I think it's lovely. (If you can find it--look for my poem Emmy). Similiar idea, but different subject matter.




Mike

Serena Casey
03-07-2007, 09:55 PM
Thank you, Martin and Mike.

I found "Emmy." I love the way you described her so well without actually describing her. Very strong imagery—I could see it right away.

:)