Does this sound jarring?

Ambergold · Mar 5, 2007

I just have the problem with the line after hams. I can't think of a way to make it flow better. Tried everything, but maybe I've just been staring at it too long. Another perspective would be gratefully received.

Moeder tugged at the straps of her chemise as she pointed to the swinging hams. Faye stood in the far corner, squinting, trying to lip-read what was being muttered to the ruddy- faced butcher. After only deciphering the words ‘meat’ and ‘off the bone’, she turned her attention back to her melted ice-ream, scooping it between her fingers before it dripped onto the chequered floor below.

Rich · Mar 5, 2007

I don't know what you're looking for. What hit me is "...scooping it between her fingers before it dripped onto the chequered floor below. Where would the floor be other than "below?"

I'm also wondering why the hams are swinging.

Ambergold · Mar 5, 2007

. True Richie. Like I said, it needs work.

I just had a problem with the sentence after hams, which starts with the characters name. Personally, I think it sounds jarring and as I'm at the final edit I want everything to flow. I've looked at it a few times and came here just to get a different perspective.

Rich · Mar 5, 2007

I'm not trying to be a pain in the ass, Ambergold. To me, outside of being creative, the best thing a writer can do is trim as much fat as possible.

Ambergold · Mar 5, 2007

No, your right. I need to trim the fat big time, which is the reason my word count keeps expanding.

Jamesaritchie · Mar 5, 2007

Flow

Other than "below," and the fact that I'm not sure what "ice-ream" is, I see no problems with flow.

Birol · Mar 5, 2007

I don't find the sentence in question jarring. I suspect you're too close to it.

Rich · Mar 5, 2007

I'm still stuck on the swinging hams. Who swung them and why?

Birol · Mar 5, 2007

I'm envisioning a butcher's shop with meat hanging from above the ceiling.

Duncan J Macdonald · Mar 5, 2007

Birol said:
I'm envisioning a butcher's shop with meat hanging from above the ceiling.

What do the chains hook on to then? Hmmmm? Clouds??

;-)

Ambergold · Mar 5, 2007

Thanks to you all for your comments.

Birol, your right I am too close to it. But sometimes you get so obsessed with the perfect sentence that it begins to play with your mind. :/

Richie in answer to your question, it was the butcher who swung them as he brushed past. But as I haven't mentioned that I can see how it makes little, to no sense. I guess I just loved the drama the swinging hams created.

jthome1223 · Mar 5, 2007

Here's my suggestion. Hope you find it helpful!

Faye squinted in the far corner, trying to read the ruddy-faced butcher's lips. She got 'meat' and 'off the bone' before turning her attention back to her melting ice cream, scooping it between her fingers before it dripped onto the chequered floor.

Solatium · Mar 6, 2007

jthome1223 said:
Faye squinted in the far corner, trying to read the ruddy-faced butcher's lips.

But if I read the original right, it's not the butcher who's talking.

Faye stood in the far corner, squinting, trying to lip-read what was being muttered to the ruddy- faced butcher.

Logical question: Who is talking? Moeder? Or some unidentified (partially unseen?) person? Why use passive voice here?

Prawn · Mar 6, 2007

"off the bone" isn't a word. Or am I nitpicking? It would trip me up as a reader.

Ambergold · Mar 6, 2007

Prawn, in the UK we say 'off the bone' if we want a chicken to be boned and prepared. But I can understand how this word could trip some people up.

Solatium, its Moeder speaking. That's why I begun the sentence with her.

Prawn · Mar 6, 2007

Ambergold said:
Prawn, in the UK we say 'off the bone' if we want a chicken to be boned and prepared. But I can understand how this word could trip some people up.

No, I knew what it meant, I just meant it wasn't a word, it was a phrase.

"After only deciphering the words ‘meat’ and ‘off the bone’, she turned her attention back to her melted ice-ream"

I guess I was just expecting a word and then another word, not a word and then a phrase.

Again, sorry to nitpick.

Suggestions:

"After only deciphering the words ‘meat’ and ‘bone’, she turned her attention back to her melted ice-ream"

"After only deciphering the words ‘off the bone’, she turned her attention back to her melted ice-ream"

Shadow_Ferret · Mar 6, 2007

Maybe: After only deciphering ‘meat’ and ‘off the bone’, she turned her attention back to her melted ice-cream...

Forget "the words" altogether.

Ambergold · Mar 6, 2007

Prawn, I see your point. That was why I had to put the sentence on the board, it just didn't look right. At least a fresh pair eyes can see what I've missed. Thanks.

Shadow Ferret, I was just about to do that.

Rich · Mar 6, 2007

I know I'm nit-picking, but in my 66 years I've yet to see a butcher bumping into hanging hams, sopressatta, or sweet and hot dry sausages--not even those fifty pound imported cheeses. Add all the drama you want, just make it fit.

Shadow_Ferret · Mar 6, 2007

No where does it say he bumped into them. It just says the hams were swinging. Maybe he brought on down to show the person and the when he hung it back up it bumped them. Or he pointed to one and nudged it. Or someone came into the shop and the wind got them to swinging. We don't know.

Rich · Mar 6, 2007

Again, I'll bow out. I don't like beating a dead pig.

Birol · Mar 6, 2007

Shadow_Ferret said:
No where does it say he bumped into them. It just says the hams were swinging.

Ambergold explained this in an earlier response to Rich. It happens before the excerpt being examined here.

Silver King · Mar 6, 2007

Ambergold said:
she turned her attention back to her melted ice-cream, scooping it between her fingers before it dripped onto the chequered floor below.

The only thing I'd change, Amber, is the word "between" with "with." (Sounds like I have a lisp, doesn't it?)

I think the passage reads fine. I'm almost disappointed I couldn't rip into it more. But after four passes, it reads like good writing to me.

Ambergold · Mar 7, 2007

Thank you Silver King. I've made the change from 'between' to 'with' and it does sound better.

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