Little dilemma, could REALLY use some advice

As you all know, I have insomnia. I go to sleep really early in the morning and wake up in the afternoon or so. I still get all my work done, I'm very productive at night, and I've had this unpredictable schedule for years.

Well, my dad didn't know I was an insomniac. I thought he did, but I can see where it'd be easy to miss by his work schedule. He goes to bed early, wakes up about an hour after I fall asleep (assumes I've been asleep all night), and when he gets home, I'm awake with everything done (he assumes I got it done during the day, when in reality, I did it in the wee hours of the night). Today, I didn't sleep at all last night, ended up crashing around noon, and slept until 4 PM. I had a headache last night so I only got half of my schoolwork done, and planned on finishing it this evening.

Dad flipped. He didn't know about my sleeping schedule, and was convinced that I was slacking, cheating, etc etc. Basically, he said that my schooling was no longer a matter to him because I wasn't putting all my effort into it. He said he was no longer participating in my schoolwork (no problem, I've been doing myself for the best part of two years. I appreciate his help and it takes a big load off my back, but in all reality, I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself), said that he didn't care if I quit school or not (again, no problem, I don't plan on quitting unless it's for the sake of doign something bigger with better beneifts) and that he wasn't going to pay for my college.

"No problem, Dad. You don't have to pay for my college. You know I'm able to pay for it myself, I don't need the money if you're not willing to offer it up." This is true, I can pay for my own college. But damn will it be difficult. I will have to work two of the highest pay jobs I can find (not very many jobs above minimum wage when you're 17), I know how to sign myself up for college but I'm not liable for financial aid because I'm underage. Even if I wait until I'm 18, it'll still be hard.

He also said that the only way I'm going to college in his house is if he's paying. This means that as logn as I live there, he won't let me go to college out of my wallet. And if he's unwilling to pay, I'm screwed. I'll have to eitehr move in with Mom (this means an almost constant anxiety attack, a high level of stress, and a lot of debt) or I could move out to an apartment or with a friend (with college costs, food, and every other expense, I don't know how well I'll do with this option. I know I can feed myself, cloth myself, and homeschool myself, but pay for college too? Independence only goes so far.)

I've tried talking it over with Dad many times. While he has no backbone when dealign with my mother, he's complete adamant as a father. What he says goes and there's no argument, even if he knows he's wrong.

I did not post this thread to ask for money or provisions of any sort, but for advice.

What do you guys think I should do? Should I stay with Dad, where there's a comfortable, stress free living environment, but nothing past highschool? Or should I go with Mom, where the stress is unbelievably high but I'll have the means to care for myself (remember, Mom doesn't act like a Mom. I'm on my own pretty much. This means I can go to college if my pocket money allows it, but everything else will come out of my pocket too). If I choose to go with Mom, there's no doubt in my mind that the minute I turn 18, I will be out of the apartment and on my own, regardless of my money situation.

I know many other students have provided for themselves, so I know it's anything but impossible to do. But, it's going to be hard for a while. My educations worth going the rough road, but it's going to be hell.

If I choose to stay with my Dad, who I love and respect VERY much, I will have a comfortable home where everything is provided except for further schooling- something that means very much to me as well.

What do you guys think?

EDIT-
I'll be going to the doctor's soon to have some medical problems checked out- problems which could be potentially leading to my insomnia. It was brought to my attention would bring some sort of clarity to the thread.

Soccer Mom said:

Give Dad a chance to calm down. Maybe once he sees that you are continuing to work hard at schooling, he settle down about the college issue. You have a little time yet. Pray tell, what does he expect you to do after high school if he won't let you go to college? Sit on his couch? Work at McDonalds?

Worry about finishing the highschool part first. You might be able to live in a college dorm and attend school with financial aid. It's no fun to saddle yourself with student loans, but it beats a life time of lower earning potential.

ETA--Do not go live with your mother. She's toxic.

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I'm goign to give him all the time he needs to calm down, but like I said, he sticks to his word regardless of what he or anyone else thinks about it. It's the way he was raised, and that's how he raised us.

I don't know what he expects me to do after college. I know he won't let me go if he sticks to his word, but then he'll be angry when I'm workign and Wendy's until I've racked up enough change to go on my own. He's very heartfelt, but more than a little dense. He sets his own traps a lot of the time.

That's the thing, with homeschool, I'm already finished. I'm continuing it so I have a better chance at getting into other college classes easier in the long run. Technically, I could stop everything I'm doing, and I wouldn't hear a peep about it.

I know, I don't want to go with mother either -_-. I'd rather sleep on a bench again than go with her, but I'm to feel that through her craziness, I might be able to find the freedom I need. It's gonna suck big balls though....

roach said:

How long do you have before you start college? I agree with Soccer Mom to give your dad some time to calm down.

Your father sounds a little like mine. I grew up in a family of early risers when I was more comfortable going to bed at 2 in the morning and getting up at 9-10 in the morning. My parents were convinced I was just lazy. They couldn't understand that I had a different sleep cycle.

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I already have 2 college classes out of the way, so technically I'm a part-time student. I'd like to continue down this path so I can get everything done earlier and start a career as soon as I can.

They all think I'm lazy. I can be very lazy at times, but for the most part I'm very productive and I can get almost anything done by myself. So what if I choose to do it at 2 am?

Siddow said:

I think you should stand up to your father and ask him WTF is he thinking? "You'll not go to college as long as you're under MY roof"? Counter that with, "Okay, Pops, I won't go to college. I'll live under your roof forever! G'night!"

I've already set a rule for my kids: two years of college, right out of high school. No college, they're out. Want to take a year off? Okay, after they've achieved an associates. Whether they go for a bachelors or a masters or a doctorate after that, or work for Mickey D's, I hope they are grateful that I made them try. My parents (no, my mother, specifically) made college seem out of reach, so I never went. Wish I did.

Go to college.

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Believe me, I countered him the best I could. Not trying to be egotistical, but I'm WAY smarter than both of my parents. It's not hard for me to win an argument with everyone else, but Dad's so stubborn that he won't budge an inch, no matter what I say. Love him dearly, but he has no common sense.

I wish you were my parent. If I had two years of college paid, I'd do everything I could to cram it all into those two years. Smack your kids if they don't want to take up the offer.

JeanneTGC said:

Why is your father reacting in this way? What underlying issue is he reacting to?

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he's probably feeling the power of winning the divorce (kind of winning, anyway). My mother was really iron-fisted, bitchy, angry, and violent, and my Dad got used to doing whatever she says without question (he was always different with us, he had a fierce backbone when it comes to parenting). he's probably still high from finally moving past my mother. He's never really tasted power, and now he's trying to live it up, I guess.

JeanneTGC said:

I ask because I know that when my husband and I found out our daughter wasn't really sleeping well, we didn't tell her "no college". We tried to figure out what to do to help. So, I'm wondering why your father reacted in this very extreme way (there may be more history on this than I know, so apologies if I'm asking something you've told others a lot.)

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There's something you must understand- your family is sane. My family is so off their rocker that I'm surprised we haven't all been chained up and locked away. They're not the "yay bar fight" nuts, they're just plain nuts.

JeanneTGC said:

As for college, what are your grades like? If they're decent, scholarships are out there, many of them. Ask your school counselor about them. If you're home schooling, there are still options. The internet is a great source (I'm kicking myself because I can't find the link to the big scholarship search engine, the name makes no sense to me to connect to colleges or scholarships, and my daughter is at work so I can't ask her. I'll post it when I can find it.)

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My grades and my tests scores are very different. In public school, I was either high or didn't care (yep, I did a LOT of drugs a few years ago). The only thing keeping me in school was my spectacular test scores (I came out in the top 20 almost every time). Now with homeschool, I'm excelling and already kicking ass in college (and no drugs this time). I don't really have anyone from the board of education to go to, because I'm not under their jurisdiction. I'm pretty much on my own (this doesn't bother me, but the money situation does).

JeanneTGC said:

Community college is also an option. Classes are much less costly, and you can earn an AA degree. Then, you can use that to get acceptance, and many times scholarships, to a 4-year college or university. You'd go in as a transfer student, and all your credits might not transfer over, but it's a very viable option.

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I go to a community college, actually. It's very affordable and still has a good quality of education. I'm be going there until I get all my basics out of the way.

JeanneTGC said:

I'm a night owl, with a 12-hour flipped body clock. I worked my way through college (and also had grants, loans and scholarships), and one of my jobs I did in the wee hours. My boss never complained because I got my work done -- he also never questioned a time card that was marked from midnight to 3am. Just because you're not following a traditional 9a-5p schedule doesn't make you evil or bad -- it makes you like at least 25% of the rest of the population.

My advice, in addition to looking at your scholarship options and community college choices, is to have a serious talk with your dad. Again, to me his reactions seem extreme and somewhat unfair -- we are innocent until proven guilty, and night owls are guilty only of being more alert without the sun than with it.

Good luck, and hang in there.

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I hope to get a midnight job. I work best at night, and no one would question my methods. My family is full of early birds- if you wake up past 8 AM, you're sick. They don't understand that I'm a night person.

I will have a serious talk with my dad, and hopefully he'll be willing to listen. He treats me like a little kid- which is great when you need food and clothes and stuff, but it also means he's not willing to listen very often if it goes against what he's saying. He can be unfair a lot of the time, but he's a better parent than my mother, which is why I'm more forgiving towards him. Let's hope his hard head softens up a bit.

Thanks a lot

tjwriter said:

This doesn't sound like a fun situation, Tsuki, and I'm sorry to hear it. First thing, I'm going to agree with everyone else and say keep working hard at school and give you dad a little time and space. Perhaps you can sit down with him and explain how your schedule works. Ask him to give you a quiz or a test on material you should know, or invite him to participate in your nightly activities so that he can see how you work. Everyone is different, and he should respect that.

On the second issue, my husband (then boyfriend) and I lived together while I attended school. I used to student loans to pay for most of my tuition and books, and worked third shift at Denny's to pay for my bills. Waiting tables at the right kind of place can be pretty lucrative.

There is a nice university (that I attended) near me where the tuition is reasonable, and a new off-campus housing feature 4 people living together with the rent including utilities, high speed internet, and cable for $375 a person I believe.

What are you thinking about studying? There are lots of options out there for you. There are scholarships, funds, loans, and work. With a little planning you don't have to depend on anyone. If you need any help, the accounting graduate would be glad to help you crunch some numbers.

Is it Kaplan Jeanne? It's been awhile for me. Nope it's not.

I also forgot to mention that you can also go part time until you finish. Slowly but surely is better than not at all.

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There's a Denny's around here, I never thought about that. They'd have no problem with my working all night and into the morning... I'll have to send an application.

As for what I'd like to study, I have no idea. Maybe something in science, but I havent made any concrete decisions. I DO know that I want to continue my education until I figure out what I'd like to do, though.

I'm not eligible for any funding or aid right now, but by December of this year, I will be. *keeps fingers crossed*

Soccer Mom said:

What college do you plan to attend?

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For now, I'm sticking to community college until I know what I want to do. I have no idea what college I'll transfer into later.

Soccer Mom said:

Yeah, I think give him a little space and he might settle down. THis has been a big week and all.

ETA: I'm still paying for the law school loans, but it was worth it. I worked and put myself through college and law school. It's rough, but you can do it. And you can bitch to me all the while.

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Yeah, it has been a pretty rough week. Perhaps all he needs is some chocolate?

Excellent! I'll need someone to bitch to. You can slap me when I need it, too

tjwriter said:

Well, if you can live at your dad's and put yourself through school, I'd make $100 a night at Denny's, which would be enough over time to pay for a class or two.

Oh, and PM me if you need to talk. I just got out of college in 2005, so I'm still fairly familiar with stuff.

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I can't live at my dad's and still go to school, unless he changes his mind. But, 100 bucks a night sounds pretty tempting.

I guaranatee you'll be getting a PM sometime. I always have a question to ask. The way they set up college can be really confusing cometimes. I almost didn't get to go last semester, because of the confusion

Soccer Mom said:

You know I will. I AM your real mother. Now go slip dad some PHENTERMINE>

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It's possible that you really are my real mother. About 12 infants are given to the wrong parents each year.

Dad could use some PHENTERMINE, he's getting a little Buddha belly and his skin isn't as bright green and orange as it used to be.

tjwriter said:

Well, I'm always available my dear. I'm on the computer pretty much 24/7 because I use one for work, and Piper's play yard is in the computer room, so I have to sit in here while she plays or a fit happens (she's already good at fits).

In fact, I'm going to go grab a laundry basket and match socks while I sit at the computer.

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The only computer I have the freedom to sit at all day is the on without the internet . If I want internet access, I have to wrestle for it.

Shweta said:

Tsuki, another possible thing you could do is look into medical research on sleep schedules and insomnia and such.

I know my parents are very much in the weird mindset where staying up late and getting up late is immoral. The only way I could talk to them about it was pulling up some of the medical information; in my case everything is asthma-related, so it probably doesn't help you, but it's a way.

Another thing: my father is always more rational if I have things written out, written up, give him written proof that I'm thinking clearly. If I talk to him he'll be challenging, I'll get defensive, and things spiral downwards; if I wait for him to cool off and then give him data and thoughts on paper, he's much more likely to pay attention.

It really sounds like it'll be hard to change his mind - but if you can convince him that he's been acting on faulty assumptions, "rather than just making a bad decision" maybe it won't be impossible?

I don't know if that helps at all.
*hugs*
shweta

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Actually, this is a really good idea. He can't argue with a piece of paper. I'll give it a try whenever he cools down a little bit.

As for medical reasons, I have juvenile arthritis, insomnia, scoliosis, etc etc. Most of these have symptomes relating to unusual sleep patterns. I'll start bringing up some research for him.

Thanks a lot!