Things you'd like to say to rude customers.

I've been a customer and another "rude" customer was begging me to buy him a bagel and coffee. I told him it was too expensive to buy his items and mine. He started to lecture me, budgeting with my money, so I said, "Fu*k off!"

Everyone in the place turned around and looked at me. One woman said to me, "Wow, you look so polite and innocent."

On my last day working in retail, I finally lost it and said "F*** off and die"
Yes he deserved it.
Yes he was waiting for me outside
Yes I got a whupping.

"If it's too d*mn hard to cook this food the way you want and you b*tch every time you come in here, then go home and cook the sh*t yourself!"

"Take your drunk *ss home because if you can't sit at the table, you don't need to be out."

"I'm sorry, but I'm not qualified to diagnose mental problems. Oh, wait, you're just a jackass, please leave."

There are so many rude customers to choose from.

For the older lady who comes in once a month, declares nothing we sell fits her style, our product is junk, the wood is bad, and the color choices awful (yes, she does this every SINGLE MONTH?!?!?!) : "If you hate our product, get the hell out of my store and don't come back. What's f*cking wrong with you? I have better things to do than listen to you whine. Go shop at Pottery Barn."

To the customer who asks if something is in stock/avaible and I tell her no, I'm sorry, it's not in stock, and she says Are you sure? : "No, I'm lying to your face because you're ugly and I don't want to sell anything to you." (I mean, do I look like a moron?)

To the customer who asks if I took off the proper discount/sale price: "I've done this for five years, I know my f*cking job! I am not an idiot, but you appear to be. Want directions to the nearest club?"

To the customer who asks for my assistance when I am desperately trying to get to the stock room with am arm-full of merchandise without dropping it all on the floor: "No, ask someone who ISN'T BUSY, you jerk!"

To the same customer who doesn't believe another associate that something isn't in stock, so she goes and asks me, who tells her the exact same damned thing: "We still don't have it, but you're still an idiot."

I usually say, "Hey, back off. Do I look like Lantern Jack?"

Shadow_Ferret said:

I usually say, "Hey, back off. Do I look like Lantern Jack?"

Click to expand...

Listen patiently to their problem then say "I don't think I can help, have you asked Jack?"

To the customer who said we had false advertising on our signs, and that people like me should be punched for arguing with him, I step around the counter, leading with my seven month pregnant belly, and shouting, "Do ya wanna try it, buddy?"

I actually said this one:

A guy comes into my bar on a Friday night and orders six dinners for take-out. Yeah, well-done steaks, broiled salmon, etc. The place is packed, three-deep at the bar, the dining room overflowing, and after five minutes (!!!) he says, "What the hell is taking so long with my order?"

I shot back, "This ain't a fast-food restaurant, buddy. Look around."

Yeah, he told the manager. No, I didn't get in trouble. Arse.

Actually happened.

To the customer who yells at me "Is it possible for you to go any slower?"
"Yes, I can do you really want me too?"

I ended up getting him at my register after the rest of the help arrived when there lunch was over. He tried to do one of those apologies that justifies his actions. "I know it's not your fault."
"So why did you yell at me?"

"I was just aggravated."
"But you knew it wasn't my fault. So why did you yell at me?"

Of course he didn't have an answer.


For the person who calls me racist because I can't do what they want. -Refund money for a movie they are returning that has been opened-
"No, I'm not racist but if you want me to be I can."

:lol:

When I worked for the local paper we always had this little old lady come in everyweek asking if we had put her article in the paper. Only problem was, we never received any article and even if we did, I'm pretty sure my editor would have thrown in the trash because he thought he was God's gift to journalism, and it was right to do so.

rosemerry said:

For the person who calls me racist because I can't do what they want.

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Monday a kid came into the library clapping and snapping and making enough noise for seven kids. I asked him to stop, but instead he fixed me with a challenging stare and continued. I told him he could stop or he could leave. He headed for the door, turned around to call me a "racist motherf&^%r", then finally left.

*sigh* I guess he failed to notice the forty other kids of every ethnicity who were still in the library with me.

Ah, retail stories.

I have the reverse story. I went into a major nice dept. store to buy an expensive sterling silver wedding gift.

The sales clerk was chatting on the telephone, so I waited patiently at the counter. But I was on my lunch hour, so after about ten monutes, I signaled her to see if someone else could help me. She turned to me and said she was on an important phone call, and it was her boyfriend who needed info about a job interview he had and could I come back some other time.

So I stood there, surprised, and then heard her mention the name of my company.

You guessed it - the boyfriend interviewed with me that afternoon.

He didn't get the job because he wasn't qualified, not because his girlfriend was a twit. And I bought the gift somewhere else. But I wanted her to know that it's a small world and karma works very directly sometimes. Only I never went back there.

"Well, I WOULD have waived the minimum order, but since you're being such a jackass, I'm choosing not to validate your behavior by rewarding it. Go f*ck yourself."

or

"I would do that, but I enjoy taunting you, and I'm on a power trip knowing that YOU need ME to do something in order for YOU to get what you want. Go f*ck yourself."

or

"Oh, look at the time, I've officially stopped getting paid enough to deal with you this hour. Please call back during the next hour, and we can try to finish this. Go f*ck yourself."

or

"My doctor says dealing with people like you is bad for my health. Go f*ck yourself."

or

"I WOULD give you a price, but we have policy about selling to assholes. Go f*ck yourself."

or (my personal favorite)

"Go f*ck yourself."


I'm at work right now, so I guarantee I'll think of more by the end of the day.

"If the government is so goddamned ruthless in their tracking of you and your money through a probe they inserted in your brain when you went to the hospital for an appendectomy, and you're certain that we're only making up these rules as we go along to piss you off YOU'RE RIGHT! WE'VE SUCCEEDED! YOU'RE PISSED OFF! Now take your money away from me and bury it in the back yard before the government shoots me with their magic lasers by accident."

-or-

"I'm sorry. I have to hang up on your sorry ass because I stopped giving a shit about thirty seconds ago."

-or-

"Hi. What are you wearing right now? Are you being a naughty boy?"

Oh! Thought of another one...

Ready? Here it is:


*CLICK*



(heheheh....oh, how I wish I could...)

BenPanced said:

"If the government is so goddamned ruthless in their tracking of you and your money through a probe they inserted in your brain when you went to the hospital for an appendectomy, and you're certain that we're only making up these rules as we go along to piss you off YOU'RE RIGHT! WE'VE SUCCEEDED! YOU'RE PISSED OFF! Now take your money away from me and bury it in the back yard before the government shoots me with their magic lasers by accident."

Click to expand...

HEY! Back off!! That was just a misunderstanding.

I swear...some people just won't let things go...

thethinker42 said:

I'm choosing not to validate your behavior by rewarding it.

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Hmmm... I wonder if I can use this one without getting fired....

My standard line for uppity clients who believe that the way to get what they want is to swear and threaten:

"This conversation is now over. You may call me back when you feel that you are able to be civil."

I usually give them a warning first.

It usually shocks the hell out of them, but I often receive an apology. Of course, I'm not in retail.

I don't deal with a lot of people. . . I chose long ago that the best way for me not to piss somebody off is to control things from the back of the house. Mostly I just talk crap to the waittresses. . . because I can.



Chefs can be lude characters, nothing I can think of would be appropriate.

"I'll be nicer if you'll be smarter."

"Listen, we have five Joes, four Mikes, three Seans, two Graces, two Daves, two Pauls and three Lynnes. So unless you want me to take a wild freaking guess and just connect you with one at random, maybe you shouldn't get so snotty when I politely ask which one you need!"

Cashiering: "I hope your customers treat you with the same respect and courtesy that you treated me with."

"Go ahead tell my managers. They are right over there in the red vests. Their names are *Tom, Sue, and Harry."

*names have been changed. Yes I work at Wal-Mart. They seem to be everywhere.