As a single parent, how do you do it?

dahmnait · Feb 20, 2007

I need tips, tricks, advice, anything. I am a single parent with two kids, 6 and 12. I no longer have the skill set for a higher paying job and am working on my own business, in part, because I have no choice. If I took any job that I am qualified for, I would actually lose money. And the few fields I am still qualified for, tech writing for one, don't have many jobs in my area at the moment. There are too many people with more experience than I making it hard to get a 9-5 job. I make too much for financial aid, not that it would even pay the rent (which is cheap). It's crazy, in order to get aid - aid that I need but that won't pay the bills - I have to quit working completely. Right now, with the contract work, I work all the time. My kids are starting to get into trouble because I am not there enough for them.

My daughter isn't responsible enough to watch my son for long periods of time and I have limited outside resources. If my kids were older, I would be working two jobs. But as it is now, I can't without losing the money I would be making. The bills are all ready at a bare minimum. We don't have TV, the internet and phone I need in order to make money, and we only use the heat when it is really needed. Thank God it isn't 110-degree weather yet.

I am literally killing myself trying to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table, between not sleeping well, and never having enough food for myself. In the last two days, I have had 10 crackers, two pieces of bread, and lots of water. My kids are fed, but there simply isn't enough for me. I eat well once a week when I go to my bf's, and once a month I am able to get a week worth of food, but it goes fast with two growing kids.

I'm sorry if it sounds like whining or bitching. That's not my intention. I am tired, hungry, and, to be honest with myself, a little depressed. None of which makes for a clear head. I just really could use some advice. I wouldn't even be coming here except you all have a wealth of information.

Anybody been there, done that?

TrainofThought · Feb 20, 2007

I can’t help you out with advice, but I’m sorry times are tough for you dahmnait. Being a single parent is very hard, especially when you don’t have anyone to lean on. Aren’t there any close neighbors you can rely on for support like watching the kids when you are working? Aren’t you qualified for at least food stamps? I hope things get better.

robeiae · Feb 20, 2007

Not knowing all the specifics, there isn't really any meaningful advice I can give. And of course, you shouldn't post any of those specifics.

The only thing I would say is that if you are truly all alone (no relatives, no church support, etc.), then your children probably have to grow up a little faster, out of pure necessity. Your daughter is almost a teen, and I would think she should be able to appreciate your situation to some extent. But I don't know her, so it would be wrong for me to insist this is the case. And you may have already done all you could to make her aware of the situation. But if you haven't, that might be a place to start. At 12, she should be able to do some odd-jobs and the like to earn some money. Some of her expenses, like clothes, she could help pay for.

I wish I had some profound answer for you that would solve your problems, but I don't. I sincerely hope things get better.

Siddow · Feb 20, 2007

Hugs. I was fortunate enough to have my mother assist with watching my child while I worked, so I can't really offer more than that hug!

Try not to sink into the depression. I really believe that the more you believe that you can make this work, the more able you are to do it. You can do this.

dahmnait · Feb 20, 2007

TrainofThought said:
Aren’t there any close neighbors you can rely on for support like watching the kids when you are working?

Thank you. Unfortunately I don't have anyone I can leave them with on a consistent basis.

Aren’t you qualified for at least food stamps?

It's crazy, but no. I swear they haven't updated the cost of living for ten years when it comes to any type of aid. Now I understand why people get on aid and stay on it.

At least the kids will have medical as soon as the paper work goes through. They qualify for that even if I don't.

writerterri · Feb 20, 2007

It sucks to be hungry, I've been there as a child and an adult. Do you have a paypal account?

As far as life? Take on one boat at a time. It seems like you're trying to take them all on at once. Breath. Pray. God takes care of widows (single moms). Hang in there, this will pass. 99% of all are fears never come true. Find out if there are any food programs in your area. I wish I could do more.

We're 5 people living on one income so I know how you feel when it comes to living with and without.

This is a great comunity we can help pull you through.

dahmnait · Feb 20, 2007

robeiae said:
Not knowing all the specifics, there isn't really any meaningful advice I can give. And of course, you shouldn't post any of those specifics.

I wish I had some profound answer for you that would solve your problems, but I don't. I sincerely hope things get better.

Thank you.

Your daughter is almost a teen, and I would think she should be able to appreciate your situation to some extent. But I don't know her, so it would be wrong for me to insist this is the case. And you may have already done all you could to make her aware of the situation. But if you haven't, that might be a place to start. At 12, she should be able to do some odd-jobs and the like to earn some money. Some of her expenses, like clothes, she could help pay for.

I hate it, but yeah, my daughter has recently had to grow up a bit more than I would like. She does what she can to make a bit of money here and there. And she does help pay for some of her expenses, even gives me money to buy food at times. She's a good kid. I'm lucky.

I wish she could handle her brother alone for longer periods of time, but right now that is beyond what she is capable of.

Your well-wishes and advice mean a lot, thank you.

dahmnait · Feb 20, 2007

Siddow said:
Hugs. I was fortunate enough to have my mother assist with watching my child while I worked, so I can't really offer more than that hug!

Try not to sink into the depression. I really believe that the more you believe that you can make this work, the more able you are to do it. You can do this.

You've made me cry. But in a good way. Hugs are good too.

Thank you. I know I can do this, I just need to get past this rough patch. Hugs are very good.

dahmnait · Feb 20, 2007

writerterri said:
This is a great comunity we can help pull you through.

I thought about deleting my post. I can't believe I even wrote it. But I am glad I didn't. My pride be damned.

Just having the support here helps so much. You all are my breathing place.

Thank you.

writerterri · Feb 20, 2007

Sweetlebee · Feb 20, 2007

dahmnait said:
I need tips, tricks, advice, anything. I am a single parent with two kids, 6 and 12. I am no longer have the skill set for a higher paying job and am working on my own business, in part, because I have no choice. If I took any job that I am qualified for, I would actually lose money. I make too much for financial aid, not that it would even pay the rent (which is cheap). It's crazy, in order to get aid, that I need but that won't pay the bills, I have to quit working completely. Right now, with the contract work, I work all the time. My kids are starting to get into trouble because I am not there enough for them.

My daughter isn't responsible enough to watch my son for long periods of time and I have limited outside resources. If my kids were older, I would be working two jobs. But as it is now, I can't without losing the money I would be making. The bills are all ready at a bare minimum. We don't have TV, the internet and phone I need in order to make money, and we only use the heat when it is really needed. Thank God it isn't 110-degree weather yet.

I am literally killing myself trying to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table, between not sleeping well, and never having enough food for myself. In the last two days, I have had 10 crackers, two pieces of bread, and lots of water. My kids are fed, but there simply isn't enough for me. I eat well once a week when I go to my bf's, and once a month I am able to get a week worth of food, but it goes fast with two growing kids.

I'm sorry if it sounds like whining or bitching. That's not my intention. I am tired, hungry, and, to be honest with myself, a little depressed. None of which makes for a clear head. I just really could use some advice. I wouldn't even be coming here except you all have a wealth of information.

Anybody been there, done that?

This is the most alarming part of your post. Kids have to be kept occupied in positive activities. If they're involved in sports or some other activity they're passionate about, it will help them get through the teen years. If they get on the wrong road, you'll pay the price for years to come. Talk about sleepless nights!!

SpookyWriter · Feb 20, 2007

dahmnait said:
I need tips, tricks, advice, anything.

Hi dahmnait. Sorry to hear about your situation. I know how difficult it is to raise children even with enough money to give them the little things in life. I also know how difficult life is without money and adding kids to the mix is really complicating things.

I have a few ideas that might or might not help. First thing is the money situation. I know you can't get state assistance (from what you've said) but have you checked out the local charities? Some of them offer limited aid in the form of food items that you might qualify for now. I would check (google) charities in your area and apply for assistance.

I have to ask if you are working from home or go into work before I can offer any solid advice about the kids. But I can suggest that you find baby sitting jobs for the daughter, if possible, so she can have her own income.

I also think you should look into local youth clubs like the ymca or ywca and find out if there is any programs your children can enter to keep them busy after school.

I fed my son and I good, healthy, dinners on roughly $65.00 a week when he was living with me. We did this by not eating junk foods and only buying fresh veggies (or packaged), dry goods like pasta and floor (etc.), and meats. Once we had the other household items purchased (toilet paper, cleaning stuff, etc.) we only had to buy the list of items I already mentioned and out weekly food bill was really cut down a lot.

Well I might have a few other ideas later, but in the meantime I wish you the best and will think of your family. I hope you can find some time to just blow off steam and then maybe you'll feel better later.

Best wishes,

Spooky

WildScribe · Feb 20, 2007

Try teaching your daughter to cook. I know it seems so young, but I was cooking and loving it by ten years old. She can help prep healthy meals that are also filling and CHEAP.

I'm pregnant, and my husband and I still do groceries and household goods on $100 a month. Good luck, and many hugs! *HUG*

roach · Feb 20, 2007

Hi dahmnait. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I don't have a lot of advice I can give you, but I wanted to comment on this:

I am literally killing myself trying to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table, between not sleeping well, and never having enough food for myself. In the last two days, I have had 10 crackers, two pieces of bread, and lots of water.

It's great your kids aren't going hungry but you can't keep denying yourself. Eventually you're going to break and won't be able to take care of your kids. There's a reason passengers are advised to put oxygen masks on themselves before attending to children in case of loss of cabin pressure. You can't help others if you're broken. If nothing else, get some peanut butter and bananas (both should be cheap) for yourself to keep your strength up.

Are there any churches or charities around you could go to for short term help?

*hugs*

dahmnait · Feb 20, 2007

WildScribe said:
Try teaching your daughter to cook. I know it seems so young, but I was cooking and loving it by ten years old. She can help prep healthy meals that are also filling and CHEAP.

Lol...she already does most of the cooking. She prefers cooking to cleaning up, so it comes out to a fair trade. And it allows me to take care of work, or help with homework a bit more in the evenings.

Good luck, and many hugs! *HUG*

Thank you.

Freckles · Feb 20, 2007

I don't have kids, but like ToT said, I'm so sorry you're struggling. Your kids are lucky to have such a loving and devoted mother. Not all kids have that, so be proud of yourself!

Hugs

Christine N. · Feb 20, 2007

Well, honey, I don't know if it will help... did you go to college? Depending on what state you live in, even if you didn't graduate you could be a substitute teacher. In NJ you only need 60 college credits, then just fill out the paperwork, get fingerprinted and apply.

Since both your kids go to school, you'd work during the times they're out, and be off when they're school is off, and could do your contract work on days you're off, or weekends and evenings and in the summer. Apply for more than one school district - I know subs that work two or three. It's not steady, but it puts extra money in your pocket.

That's what I do. I do my freelancing stuff on days I'm off and nights, and sub when I can get the work. Right now I'm only in one district, because it has low-cost daycare for my son. Once he starts school, I'm applying other places too.

It's a thought. Of course I don't have to support myself and two kids, but I do have my share of bills, and the one child I have needs clothing, etc.. It might work for you, to supplement your freelance income.

In the meantime, hunt around for your local Food Pantry. You need to EAT!

maddythemad · Feb 20, 2007

My thoughts are with you, Dahmnait. I hope things start looking better. Do your children's schools have free after-school programs? Those can be perfectly nice, and it would give you extra time to work or something. And definitely-- don't starve yourself. Like someone else mentioned, bananas are cheap and filling. There are many foods like that.

:Hug2:

Good luck.

dahmnait · Feb 20, 2007

SpookyWriter said:
I have to ask if you are working from home or go into work before I can offer any solid advice about the kids. But I can suggest that you find baby sitting jobs for the daughter, if possible, so she can have her own income.

I work both at home and onsite. I only go onsite when the client needs it or when my kids are in school. The rest of the time I work from home. This cuts down on childcare needs, but does make for longer days.

SpookyWriter said:
I also think you should look into local youth clubs like the ymca or ywca and find out if there is any programs your children can enter to keep them busy after school.

Thank you. I will have to see what kind of programs are around here. I have already checked with the school, I will have to check around again and see if there is anything new in the area.

SpookyWriter said:
I fed my son and I good, healthy, dinners on roughly $65.00 a week when he was living with me. We did this by not eating junk foods and only buying fresh veggies (or packaged), dry goods like pasta and floor (etc.), and meats. Once we had the other household items purchased (toilet paper, cleaning stuff, etc.) we only had to buy the list of items I already mentioned and our weekly food bill was really cut down a lot.

When I have it, we can get by on about $80 per week. Same kind of menu. It's scary how expensive even fresh veggies are. I try to shop smart, know the stores where the food is cheaper, check out the sales before going to the store. I am starting to think that this state is just too expensive to live in. (My area being one of the cheaper areas.) On the upside, at least my kids will know the value of money when this is all said and done.

roach said:
It's great your kids aren't going hungry but you can't keep denying yourself. Eventually you're going to break and won't be able to take care of your kids. There's a reason passengers are advised to put oxygen masks on themselves before attending to children in case of loss of cabin pressure. You can't help others if you're broken. If nothing else, get some peanut butter and bananas (both should be cheap) for yourself to keep your strength up.

I know. I have already been sicker this winter than ever before. In part it is because at times I have had to eat food that contains gluten. But a bigger part is the above.

It's funny, peanut butter actually makes me ill unless it is combined with something else. I still eat it when I have it (it is better than nothing), but I never thought of trying it with the bananas. That would probably work so much better.

Thank you.

SpookyWriter said:
I have a few ideas that might or might not help. First thing is the money situation. I know you can't get state assistance (from what you've said) but have you checked out the local charities? Some of them offer limited aid in the form of food items that you might qualify for now. I would check (google) charities in your area and apply for assistance.

roach said:
Are there any churches or charities around you could go to for short term help?

I've checked them out and that is where I am getting the week supply of food once a month. There is one church in my area that provides assistance and I have been using thier services. When I have the time and/or the money they will be paid back tenfold.

SpookyWriter said:
Well I might have a few other ideas later, but in the meantime I wish you the best and will think of your family. I hope you can find some time to just blow off steam and then maybe you'll feel better later.

Best wishes,

roach said:
*hugs*

Thank you both very much.

Cath · Feb 20, 2007

I have a few recipes that are cheap (roughly $1-$2 per person per meal) and can be frozen for easy thawing and re-heating if you'd like some ideas.

It sucks being on a budget, I've been there. Never had to worry about kids though. :Hug2:

CBeasy · Feb 20, 2007

The only advice I can offer is to check out around your area for some food banks. There's one around here called Second Harvest, and some Christian Sharing Centers. They're really not very picky about who they help, especially if you have kids. Second Harvest actually charges, but you pay like 5$ for a huge box of food. When I first moved out on my own, I used to go to them all the time, and I was single. Try checking the internet or calling some local churches to find a food bank in your area.

SpookyWriter · Feb 20, 2007

CBeasy said:
The only advice I can offer is to check out around your area for some food banks.

In Phoenix there are a few, but not nearly enough to go around. Maybe our next president will see fit to spend a few bucks at home before going off and spending billions on other countries. (not trying to make this political

)

KimJo · Feb 20, 2007

Tammy, I've only been a single parent for a couple months, but I know how hard it is. I don't have any advice that hasn't already been offered, but I do have hugs and warm thoughts for you. If you ever want to talk or vent, feel free to PM me.

Parkinsonsd · Feb 20, 2007

You know, the thing about being a parent is that there are no hard and fast rules. We each have different kids and we each have different kinds of lives, and none of us are perfect. You just do the best you can, keep trying, never give up, and shoot anyone who bitches about it.

I don't mean that literally. You can simply vandalize their car, that's fine.

roach · Feb 20, 2007

dahmnait said:
It's funny, peanut butter actually makes me ill unless it is combined with something else. I still eat it when I have it (it is better than nothing), but I never thought of trying it with the bananas. That would probably work so much better. Thank you.

Hrm...eating food that makes you ill is probably worse than going hungry. Maybe stock up on ramen?

I don't know where you are but are there any aisan grocery stores around? We live outside of Chicago and make trips in to Chinatown regularly and stock up on vegetables, noodles, and other stuff quite cheap. I've found the same goes for the Indian grocery store down the street from us.

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