Advice needed on a delicate issue

seun · Feb 16, 2007

I don't know if this is the best place to post this, so fair enough if it gets moved.

I suspect a friend of mine is cheating on her bloke. I have nothing definite to base this upon which is obviously a problem. They've been together about six years and technically engaged for just over two. No wedding plans have been publicly discussed in probably eighteen months. She's told me she's not 100% happy with their relationship and told her bloke this about six months ago. Since then, they've apparently been working on improving things although nothing seems to have changed on the surface.

Now the problem: I know she works with a guy who has expressed interest in her and he is very much her type. She usually spends two Saturday nights a month with someone she describes as an old work friend and is very guarded about not mentioning names or locations.

If she and her bloke were OK, I wouldn't think too much of anything happening with the other guy, but with their relationship going through a long rough patch AND the other guy being on the scene, I'm a little worried.

I have no idea if I should say anything and don't want be in the middle of anyone's relationship problems. Any advice, good people?

maestrowork · Feb 16, 2007

My advice is to stay out of other people's relationships. What if you are wrong? Actually, even if you're right... personally, I don't want anyone butt in my relationship, so I wouldn't want to get involved with others'.

That said, you could always lend a shoulder to your friend and ask if there's anything she wants to talk about, etc. I just don't think you should bring the topic up.

Soccer Mom · Feb 16, 2007

I would say nothing and stay out of it. Two things to stay out of:

1. Never get involved in a land war in China.

2. Never get involved in someone elses relationship.

TrainofThought · Feb 16, 2007

I agree with Ray. Stay out of it and if your friend continues to complain making you uncomfortable, tell her you don’t want to hear about it.

A couple of close friends and I discussed cheating. I know that if I ever saw their spouse with someone romantically they want to know about it. They believe it is humiliating and a betrayal if friends knew about their spouse’s extracurricular sex life and never told them. Plus, it puts them in danger of STDs. If I am DEFINITELY sure my friends’ spouses are cheating, I would confront the spouse to spill the beans or I will.

robeiae · Feb 16, 2007

Soccer Mom said:
1. Never get involved in a land war in China.

That's one of the classic blunders. And never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.

Anyway, to join the chorus, I agree with Ray. Though I also agree with TofT, with regard to spouses. If you're friends with a married couple and you know one of them is cheating, the dynamic changes, imo.

seun · Feb 16, 2007

Sounds like good advice to keep out of it. I've always believed that things like this come out at some point. I suppose the best thing for me to do is keep my head down and hope if/when it comes out, the fit doesn't hit the shan too hard.

oswann · Feb 16, 2007

Sleep with the guy. You know that's what this thread is all about - you wanting benediction. Go for it.

Os.

Mae · Feb 16, 2007

TrainofThought said:
If I am DEFINITELY sure my friends’ spouses are cheating, I would confront the spouse to spill the beans or I will.

Been there, done that. Backfired.... but I would do it again.

Bravo · Feb 16, 2007

"just let it be".

seun · Feb 16, 2007

oswann said:
Sleep with the guy. You know that's what this thread is all about - you wanting benediction. Go for it.

Os.

He is a handsome man but not really my type...as he's a man.

maestrowork · Feb 16, 2007

Broaden your horizon.

seun · Feb 16, 2007

I try to be open-minded but I have to draw the line somewhere - especially if my friend is already involved. That would just make things too complicated.

oswann · Feb 16, 2007

seun said:
He is a handsome man but not really my type...as he's a man.

Oh. I'm pretty sure most people here will testify to the fact that my advice is total crap at the best of times.

Os.

aadams73 · Feb 16, 2007

Stay out of it. The messenger always gets killed.

TsukiRyoko · Feb 16, 2007

I'd say that regardless of what's happening, the best thing is to not get involved. People get shot, mangled, bitch out, and disliked for stuff like this. And that's not telling what will happen to you. I can understand wanting to protect a close friend's relationship, but watch where you tread VERY carefully. Matter like this are 1) not easily solved, 2) the types of matters that usually end badly for everyone, and 3) ones that should be primarily dealt with by the couple.

I'd say if you were going to get involved at all, give your friend a reason to raise a red flag and watch where the relationship is going for a while. That's the furthest it should go on your part.

oswann · Feb 16, 2007

TsukiRyoko said:
I'd say if you were going to get involved at all, give your friend a reason to raise a red flag and watch where the relationship is going for a while. That's the furthest it should go on your part.

That's exactly two contradictory pieces of advice. "Raising a red flag" means saying what? "You didn't hear it from me but..." I thought my advice was crap.

Os.

TsukiRyoko · Feb 16, 2007

oswann said:
That's exactly two contradictory pieces of advice. "Raising a red flag" means saying what? "You didn't hear it from me but..." I thought my advice was crap.

Os.

More like, "So how long have you known her 'work friend' for?" if the guy is more reachable. For the woman, I'd say just finding a sneaky way to remind her of what brought the two together at the beginning of the relationship. Even if she isn't cheating, reminding her of what started the couple should help to mend the things that are tearing them apart.

oswann · Feb 16, 2007

TsukiRyoko said:
More like, "So how long have you known her 'work friend' for?" if the guy is more reachable. For the woman, I'd say just finding a sneaky way to remind her of what brought the two together at the beginning of the relationship. Even if she isn't cheating, reminding her of what started the couple should help to mend the things that are tearing them apart.

Still risky. Never underestimate intuitive womanly powers.

Os.

TsukiRyoko · Feb 16, 2007

oswann said:
Still risky.

That's why I put the "Stay out of it if you must" advice first. Women get a nasty bite when the situation revolves around nooky.

scarletpeaches · Feb 16, 2007

Don't tug on Superman's cape, don't spit into the wind, don't pull the mask off the ol' Lone Ranger and you don't mess around in someone else's relationship.

TrainofThought · Feb 16, 2007

Mae said:
Been there, done that. Backfired.... but I would do it again.

A great friend will trust and lean on you if needed; an insignificant one will walk away from the friendship, the second relieves you of future burdens - a win/win situation.

Melina · Feb 16, 2007

1. Never get involved in a land war in China.

Click to expand...

That's one of the classic blunders. And never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.

HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
HA HA--

(thud)

BottomlessCup · Feb 16, 2007

Just keep fretting about it and gathering more evidence until, finally, at the wedding, you can't handle it anymore and shout it out during the ceremony when the minister says the, "if anyone has a reason to object."

It'll be hillllllarious.

Have you never seen a rom-com?

JDCrayne · Feb 16, 2007

Go on, be tacky and send an anonymous letter. You know you've always wanted to do something like that.

(Seriously -- stay out of it. Run, do not walk, away from this mess. If necessary, hang around with someone else until it either blows over or everything goes boom. If you stick around, one way or another you will come up dripping with smelly brown goop.)

alleycat · Feb 16, 2007

maestrowork said:
My advice is to stay out of other people's relationships.

Yep.

About the only exception is if you suspect abuse or harm, or if you're asked directly for your opinion.

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