I need a good bigot joke

Roger J Carlson · Feb 15, 2007

I need a good bigot joke. Not a joke a bigot would tell, but a joke where the bigot is the brunt of it.

Here's the set up:

My story's antagonist tells several ethnic jokes in an attempt to provoke an altercation with my protagonist. It is very important for the story that the antagonist start the altercation. So I need my protagonist to respond with a bigot joke that turns the tables on the antagonist. It should be a very pithy retort.

For reference, here are the generic ethnic jokes I used:

Q:What do you get if you cross a [ethnic] with a gorilla?
A: A dumb gorilla.

Q: Why do [ethnic]s smell so bad?
A: So blind people can hate them too.

Q: What do you call a [ethnic] who gets 50 on an IQ test?
A: A cheat.

The ethnic jokes are intentionally lame. This is a YA SF novel. The antagonist is a highschool kid. Also, the ethnic group is one that does not exist at this time, but does exist in the future.

I can find many, many politically incorrect ethnic jokes on the web, but I can't find any where a bigot is the brunt of the joke.

Here's an example of the kind of thing I'm looking for:

Q: How many bigots does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Bigots live in the dark.

As you can see, that is also pretty lame. I need a real zinger, but I can't come up with anything. Since this in YA, it also needs to be clean.

Any suggestions?

Bmwhtly · Feb 15, 2007

Roger J Carlson said:
Q: How many bigots does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Bigots live in the dark.

I kind of liked that. But you could take an [ethnic] joke and slot bigot in instead.
To Wit:

Q:What do you call a bigot in a suit?
A:The Accused

Q:What do you call a bigot in a three-bedroom house?
A:A Burglar

That's the best I can do... sorry.

sharra · Feb 15, 2007

most of these will be lame - there just aren't really funny jokes when bigotry of any sort is the reason behind it.
That said:
Q: What has 200 feet, is 50 yards long & has an IQ of 10?
A The [name of hate organisation of your choice] on the march.

Roger J Carlson · Feb 15, 2007

I don't want it to be funny. I want it to be pithy. I want it to smack the bigot right between the eyes with his bigotry.

alleycat · Feb 15, 2007

You might look up redneck jokes. With a slight change or two, you could probably make one of those work. And there are hundred of those.

Maryn · Feb 15, 2007

I'm not faring any better than you are at coming up with simple YA-appropriate jokes in which the bigot is the butt.

Why should bigots be buried twenty feet underground instead of the usual six?
Because deep down they're nice people.

What do you call a bigot with a Harvard degree?
A freakin' liar.

What's black and brown and looks great on a bigot?
A pack of dobermans.

Meh.

Maryn, underwhelmed

robeiae · Feb 15, 2007

Q: What's the difference between a bigot and a nail?

A: One needs to be hammered relentlessly on the head, the other holds wood together.

No? Sorry...

MegaData · Feb 15, 2007

A college student once said, "I hate bigots!"

Carmy · Feb 15, 2007

I came in here for the laughs.

Roger -- have you Googled "Jokes Bigots"? Looks like quite a list but I don't know if any would meet your needs. Good luck, and come back and tell us what you'll use.

Kentuk · Feb 15, 2007

Shame Roger. There are no good bigot jokes only bad ones. You did come to the right place for a bad bigot joke, don't know about funny.

WildScribe · Feb 15, 2007

I have a really funny ethnic joke, but I don't think it would be very reversible. Sorry!!

Mac H. · Feb 15, 2007

Perhaps it would be better if the hero made a comment that the bigot didn't understand because of his ignorance.

(eg: Bigot makes comment about stupid Jews. Hero mentions Einstein in reply. Bigot responds "No - Einstein was American" or something)

I dunno.

Hang on. What about this:

Hitler started a program to make a genetically perfect human. Every one of these genetically perfect humans would have only the finest DNA.
Each one would have the body of a champion athlete, and the brain of Einstein.
In other words ... it would be a race of black Jews.

Mac

WildScribe · Feb 15, 2007

*g* That's good.

Roger J Carlson · Feb 16, 2007

Kentuk said:
Shame Roger. There are no good bigot jokes only bad ones. You did come to the right place for a bad bigot joke, don't know about funny.

I'm not interested in funny. I'm looking for a joke the protagonist can reply with that will put the bigot in his place. The humor would be not from the joke itself, but in how the protagonist turns the tables on the antagonist. It doesn't need to be funny from the reader's viewpoint, only satisfying.

I have Googled and didn't find anything suitable. I figured with the abundance of talent here...

Tornadoboy · Feb 16, 2007

Being that it takes place in high school, how about having your antagonist suffer from a severe case of acne, and have the conversation go like this...

Antagonist:
"What do you say to a <N-bomb> with a new bike? Stop thief!"

Protagonist (in a patronizing tone):
"Very clever... maybe you could have one steal you a bar of soap?"

Alternatively:

"I love bigots, they save the world so much in dental insurance claims"

Or have him make some sick joke about the Jews in Nazi Germany, and have the protag say something to the effect of "Oh yeah? Who went on the invent the theory of relativity, and who crawled into a bunker and ate his pistol?"

robeiae · Feb 16, 2007

Roger J Carlson said:
I'm not interested in funny. I'm looking for a joke the protagonist can reply with that will put the bigot in his place. The humor would be not from the joke itself, but in how the protagonist turns the tables on the antagonist. It doesn't need to be funny from the reader's viewpoint, only satisfying.

What does the bigot say that you want a response for? That would help.

Roger J Carlson · Feb 16, 2007

Okay, maybe a bigger setup will help.

This is a SF YA novel, so the action happens 150 years in the future in a school on a space station. Humanity has encountered aliens and so most of the racial/ethnic differences on Earth have vanished in the face of "real" aliens. (We can argue about whether this would actually happen, but let's just take it as a given for now.)

However, humanity is experimenting with genetically altered humans, which has rekindled bigotry. These engineered humans are called "toobers" from test-tube babies, which is inaccurate as they are not raised in test tubes, but the name stuck.

The scene takes place in a high school classroom. One of the girls in the class is a toober, selected for intelligence, not outward appearance. The protagonist is not a toober, but since he is also very smart, he is also accused of being a toober. It's just mean-spirited, popular kids vs. nerds type stuff.

The antagonist and his girl friend want to provoke the protagonist into starting a fight. They tell the following jokes out loud in class:

Q:What do you get if you cross a toober with a gorilla?
A: A dumb gorilla.

Q: Why do toobers smell so bad?
A: So blind people can hate them too.

Q: What do you call a toober who gets 50 on an IQ test?
A: A cheat.

It is very important for the story, however, that the protagonist does not start the fight. I want him to face down the antagonist without violence, showing the antagonist to be a coward. So I need him to turn the tables on the antagonist in such a way as to make him look like a fool. The ball will then be in the antagonist's court to start the fight. When he doesn't, he is disgraced, while the protagonist's reputation is enhanced without resorting to violence.

That's why I need something very succinct and pithy. Looking back at my own attempt, it doesn't look as bad as I first thought. Perhaps I could spiff it up a bit as so:

Q: How many bigots does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Bigots never open their eyes.

But I'd still like to have something better.

Does this help?

Festus · Feb 16, 2007

What glares with glass eyes, an empty soul, and an expression of hate?

You, my friend, looking into a mirror.

Histry Nerd · Feb 16, 2007

This may be a little more confrontational than you want, but maybe you can tweak it:

What do you call a busload of bigots going over a cliff with an empty seat?
--A damn shame.

Let him puzzle over it for a minute before he gets it.

HN

AnnieColleen · Feb 16, 2007

Q: What do you call a rational* bigot? [*sensible, enlightened, whatever]
A: An oxymoron

Or look up lawyer jokes and see what you find.

MadScientistMatt · Feb 16, 2007

One possibility is to have a group like Klansmen or skinheads that have some article of clothing you can make fun of. For example, suppose they are all wearing knee-length riding boots (I would say jackboots, but it's hard to get an exact picture of these since they seem to be exclusively footwear for violating civil rights). So the joke would go:

Why do skinheads wear those big boots?
So they can wade through all their bull -

At which point the fight breaks out, of course.

scarletpeaches · Feb 16, 2007

Why do bigots have moustaches?
So they can look like their mothers.

See? A joke at their expense, AND you insult their mothers too!

Carmy · Feb 16, 2007

Y'know, the biggest bigots around are the Crane brothers. Would something from one of the Frazer episodes give you ideas?

MadScientistMatt · Feb 17, 2007

Some more along the lines of the first one:

Why do bigots' tatoos have a lot of cuss words?
It's all they know how to spell.

Why do Klansmen wear paper cones on their heads?
It keeps everyone from hearing the rocks rattle around.

What do you get when bigots go on a vandalism spree?
Graffiti painted all over chain link fences.

Jenan Mac · Feb 18, 2007

Roger, are you looking more for an actual joke or a really good snappy comeback?

I need a good bigot joke

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