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monkeylove8
08-30-2004, 09:16 AM
I wrote this poem and someone said they thought it would make a good song. Any comments or critiques would be welcome.
Thanx in advance

The Beast of Burden is uncaring
but at times can also be kind.
It's eyes can help you see clearly,
it's claws can make you go blind.

As it trudges along it will guide you.
The beast will carry you if you have need;
but when the beast gets hungry-we wary;
on your soul it most assuredly would feed.

Many take the Beast for granted;
as if it would never buck them off.
But when it tramples them underfoot
it's the animals turn to scoff.

Does this creature rise from the flames below?
Or is it carried on a breeze from above?
So many want to tame this beast-
this Beast of Burden we call Love.

rtilryarms
08-30-2004, 06:56 PM
It's hard to say what would make a good song. I've heard a lot of good verse go down the drain with bad music and vice versa with good music and lousy lyrics.

Your poem is good on it's own. Whether it is good enough to be a song depends on the music.

A couple of notes:

You don't need punctuation but if you do use it the wrong usage confuses the reader. I don't punctuate verse or poetry.

"but when the beast gets hungry-we wary;"
but when the beast gets hungry (be) wary

That looks better.

I like it, thanks

Vipersniper
03-11-2005, 07:23 AM
:snoopy: What I like and what some others like make a difference and I agree with what the one person wrote in that some verses make for a good song but someone messes it up with the music or they don't match it well. As for me I like the poem.

Susie
03-22-2005, 07:33 AM
I enjoyed your poem. I agree if it has the right music, it could make a super song! Much good luck. I like that the rhyme didn't seem forced.


Happy acceptances, Susie:)