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areWHYaEN
08-26-2004, 12:15 PM
Its the first part of my first song, but Im stuck on this part

It might be a long chorus, or a chorus and a verse where I just cant find the halfway mark. So could someone help me with this.:grin

Advice: Catch the beat and its pretty catchy.

I could think of a day
When I could Smile
A Day where happiness
lasted more than a mile
A Day where love
was truly worth while
I can think of better days
Tell me you love me
Tell me you need me
Tell me its more than this
Dont tell me its over
For my world would be too
Give me my better days.

mammamaia
08-27-2004, 04:51 AM
i think you'd benefit from studying basic structure of song lyrics... i learned from one of the best, sheila davis... email me and i'll give you a link to her books...

love and hugs, maia
maia3maia@hotmail.com (maia3maia@hotmail.com)

yldii
09-04-2004, 12:24 AM
The way your song stands, it would be like this.

(verse)
I could think of a day
When I could Smile
A Day where happiness
lasted more than a mile
A Day where love
was truly worth while
I can think of better days
(chorus)
Tell me you love me
Tell me you need me
Tell me its more than this
Don't tell me its over
For my world would be too
Give me my better days.

At least thats how I see it without hearing the rhythm.

Good luck.........
..........Yldii.......

SueB
04-01-2005, 10:57 PM
The way your song stands, it would be like this.

(verse)
I could think of a day
When I could Smile
A Day where happiness
lasted more than a mile
A Day where love
was truly worth while
I can think of better days
(chorus)
Tell me you love me
Tell me you need me
Tell me its more than this
Don't tell me its over
For my world would be too
Give me my better days.

At least thats how I see it without hearing the rhythm.

Good luck.........
..........Yldii.......

The way I feel it: The first 7 lines would be your chorus. And my preference would be to change the tense--I can think of a day
when I can smile....
and the last 2 lines...perhaps I would change that to...my world would be over too...
Hope this helps!

Susie
04-11-2005, 03:55 AM
I really like your song. I agree with SueB, and just a heads up that worthwhile is one word. You really are talented!


warm regards, susie:)

amidsummerswrite
04-25-2005, 05:20 AM
I tend to try and stay away from choruses that are longer than 4 lines, 6 is a stretch.

I can see it either way(SueB's or yldii's). I would tend to stick with yldii's just because it's shorter.

Godfather
05-13-2005, 11:10 PM
I could think of a day
When I could Smile
A Day where happiness
lasted more than a mile
A Day where love
was truly worth while

i'm sorry, but can i suggest something?

i'm a songwriter, my skills develop really quickly, mine would have been like this a month or two ago, but now i really think. i'm 15, and i know by now, ryhme trap. you need to think of the lyrics that really fit your song and what you want to say, and if it doesnt rhyme, so what, if you get it to rhyme, and...make sense... excellent.

please take my advice as constructive criticiscm(regardless of how its spelled) and just think about it.

yes, i realise that had nothing to do with your question

Enigma
05-25-2005, 01:39 AM
Break it up, add a bridge and if you have two or three hundred more like it, call either Tree International and/or Buddy Killen of the Killen Group in Nashville and set sail.

Best of luck.