Any potential?

Vanessa99

Heres a chorus to one Im working on:

Awake and dreaming as we make our way through the world
Were all chasing rainbows
Oh, Chasing Rainbows
Were we fools to believe?
Was I fool to think I loved you?
Were you a fool to think you loved me?
Dreamers grasping something
That isn’t even there
Chasing a Rainbow
In this pretending that we care
 

rtilryarms

Sure

Sure it does. I wish we had a way for sharing tunes along with the lyrics for more in depth critique. Oh well.

RT
 

kippin

yup

It has potential, though the last line is the only one that rhymes and it kinds sticks out a bit. Although, set to music, that might not be an issue. I agree with RT, it would be nice to share the tune as well!
 

shaynexus

I don't hear your music, but here's a take with a cautionary theme. I started tinkering with it when the critic above said the rhyme of there--care was a bother. Sorry if I'm being intrusive.



Awake and dreaming as we make our way through the world
We're all chasing rainbows,
Yes, chasing Rainbows.
Were we fools to believe
That I loved you,
That you loved me,
Dreamers grasping at things
That weren’t even real,
Just chasing Rainbows
While pretending that we cared?
 

Fartin Mowler

I kept thinking of "The rainbow connection" sung by Kermit the frog