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Southern_girl29
02-05-2007, 08:24 PM
My WIP features an unmarried, nearly 30 year old woman. She has never been married before, and a man asks her on a date and she accepts. I'm trying to get ideas about what adults do on dates. I married when I was almost 21 and have been married for almost nine years, so I don't reall remember all that much about dating, lol.

Anyway, I want somewhere they can talk, so they can get to know each other. I thought going out for dinner would work for that. But, shouldn't they do something afterward? Is dinner alone a good date? Any help with this would be greatly appreciated.

alleycat
02-05-2007, 08:29 PM
Take a lovely walk somewhere after dinner (a park, a seashore, the entertainment district downtown, even the mall, etc.). Gives them time to talk, get to know each other, maybe even be a little romantic. The could also go into some kind of store and have a little good-natured fun (she could try on a silly outfit), or browse for their favorite books in a bookstore.

Works for me. ;-)

MidnightMuse
02-05-2007, 09:49 PM
Depends a little on what each expects to happen. Dinner, a museum visit, a stroll through the shopping district, coffee and desert afterward - all are good ways to talk and get to know each other.

alleycat
02-05-2007, 09:50 PM
There's also the back seat of a '84 Audi . . .

Uh, never mind.

Southern_girl29
02-05-2007, 11:13 PM
There's also the back seat of a '84 Audi . . .

Uh, never mind.

That's going to happen after the fourth or fifth date, but not in an Audi. ;)

I don't want my character to be a prude, but I don't want readers to think she's easy either. What's a good length of time to be dating before having sex? Fourth or fifth date?

thethinker42
02-05-2007, 11:37 PM
But, shouldn't they do something afterward?

I could think of one thing...:D

thethinker42
02-05-2007, 11:38 PM
Ok ok, in all seriousness...

When I was dating, we'd get dinner and then go shoot pool, maybe go bowling, or check out shops in the area, wherever we happened to be. Most of my dates, though, we spent soooooooo long talking over dinner, that we didnt go anywhere afterwards. Well...depending on how the date went...heheheh

Pomegranate
02-06-2007, 12:33 AM
I got married at 32. Our first date, we went for italian food, then took a walk to a local suspension footbridge (neighborhood landmark). On other early dates we went to the tidepools, the movies, took my dog to the dog park, browsed used bookstores, and "played tourist" at some of the landmarks in town. We dated for a couple of months before he saw the inside of my apartment or I saw the inside of his.

Sweetlebee
02-06-2007, 12:39 AM
On one of our first dates, my sweetie planned a picnic in a park. He bought all the food at a gourmet deli, bought a picnic basket with the works, and even bought a new shirt and shorts! :eek: It was a nice quiet place to talk. I was really impressed!

alleycat
02-06-2007, 12:43 AM
I don't want my character to be a prude, but I don't want readers to think she's easy either. What's a good length of time to be dating before having sex? Fourth or fifth date?
Probably a little sooner. By 30, people have "been around the block" a time or two (or 25). They will probably decide fairly quickly if it's headed that way or not.

If you can put 'em in a hotel somewhere . . . even sooner. ;-)

Pomegranate
02-06-2007, 01:17 AM
Probably a little sooner. By 30, people have "been around the block" a time or two (or 25). They will probably decide fairly quickly if it's headed that way or not.

If you can put 'em in a hotel somewhere . . . even sooner. ;-)

I think it depends on the character. If someone has been burned by being intimate too quickly in the past, having been around the block might also make them slower to get physical, rather than faster.

I don't think 4-5 dates is unreasonable.

Southern_girl29
02-06-2007, 01:23 AM
Well, the love interest has been married before, but his wife was killed a few years before. It makes him more wary of intimacy (and actually a little overprotective of the heroine, which is going to drive her nuts), but my female character is about six months out of a long relationship and craves intimacy. That's going to cause quite a bit of conflict, I believe.

This WIP is going to be a romantic suspense, if that makes any difference.

dreamsofnever
02-06-2007, 01:35 AM
Ahh dating... Of course, I still feel like a 'kid' at 25, even though I'm engaged, but I agree that dinner and a walk somewhere nice is a pretty standard date. If you wanted your characters to mix it up a bit, they could always take a class on something or other, (like a one-time gourmet cooking class) or go to one of those paint-your-own-pottery places. If you just try searching yahoo for 'interesting date ideas' or check one of those dating sites, you can probably get a nice list of dates that are non-cliched.

and I've always heard the 'three date' rule, though that's definitely part urban legend and part ridiculous social stereotype. I say 4th or 5th date works well.

Good luck with the WIP!

Tallymark
02-06-2007, 02:15 AM
I can't imagine having sex with someone I've only met four or five times. o.o Though, I'm young yet. But still, wow, that's barely knowing someone. I can't trust someone in that short a time.

Sweetlebee
02-06-2007, 03:41 AM
Good thinking, Tallymark. Especially since no birth control method is 100% effective.

Sweetlebee
02-06-2007, 03:44 AM
Well, the love interest has been married before, but his wife was killed a few years before. It makes him more wary of intimacy (and actually a little overprotective of the heroine, which is going to drive her nuts), but my female character is about six months out of a long relationship and craves intimacy. That's going to cause quite a bit of conflict, I believe.

This WIP is going to be a romantic suspense, if that makes any difference.

If you mean she's craving sexual intimacy, then she'd probably go for it in the first hot and heavy scene. Not that I'd know anything about that.....

scarletpeaches
02-06-2007, 03:46 AM
I'd say something like the cinema. That way, you're together but there's no pressure to make conversation. You can just get used to each other's company. (And you're in the dark, heh heh).

Bowling's another good one. Cheap, simple, effective. Maybe dinner on a second or third date, when you know the conversation will 'flow', as you're comfortable with one another.

Lady Esther
02-06-2007, 04:18 AM
I don't want my character to be a prude, but I don't want readers to think she's easy either. What's a good length of time to be dating before having sex? Fourth or fifth date?

She won't be prude if she waits (until she is married) to have sex. Then again, this is just one Christian's opinion.;)

scarletpeaches
02-06-2007, 04:29 AM
Length of time before sleeping together varies according to each person's morality or preference or alcohol level. ;)

I'm no virgin, but having done a lot of personal growth, I've become more confident about voicing my opinions - and saying no. No matter how much I want to say yes.

Mandy-Jane
02-06-2007, 06:00 AM
My idea of a good first date is a couple of quiet drinks in a bar, so they can talk, then a nice dinner somewhere. Well that's I always preferred.

As for the sleeping together thing, I think if it's a purely physical attraction, it would happen obviously a lot quicker. But if they're interested in each other's minds and feelings, maybe it would take longer. They might be keen to get to know each other first? (Does that make me sound like someone's Mother? - sorry if it does!)

Southern_girl29
02-06-2007, 07:15 AM
It isn't just about physical attraction. They both definately have feelings for each other, and it will develop into more. I think I might have them becoming more intimate by the fourth or fifth date, but maybe not doing the deed until a little later.

Bmwhtly
02-06-2007, 01:42 PM
If they start off having dinner and talking and want to go on somewhere. I find relocating to a standard high-street pub with an eclectic jukebox and comfy chairs works quite well.
(At least, it's never let me down)

MattW
02-06-2007, 05:04 PM
For a well planned first date where the chemistry may need some assistance, eating is good, but followed by something active that can spur the conversation. Pool and bowling were mentioned, but I can't come up with anything else. In your 30s, a few drinks are never out of the question. Comedy show (nothing too blue)? Saucy puppet show?

And the dinner and a movie date should really be movie then dinner in most cases - gives you something to talk about besides the standard personal info.

I've have too many first dates that could have gone better. The ones with no plan were fueled by nervous conversation followed by alcohol, and that blurred things a little.

thethinker42
02-06-2007, 10:31 PM
I'd say something like the cinema. That way, you're together but there's no pressure to make conversation. You can just get used to each other's company.

Interesting.

I always said NO to a movie on the first date. I told my various boyfriends that if I wanted to spend 2 hours in the dark watching a movie and not talking, I can do that with my cats. I wasn't going to waste my time with someone I couldn't carry on a conversation with.

Then again, I met the vast majority of my boyfriends and such online, so we'd spent a fair amount of time chatting, e-mailing, and talking on the phone by the time we actually met, so at least we had a few jumping-off points for conversation by then. Most of them anyway...some I met sooner than others. (I started chatting with a guy one Sunday, met him on Tuesday, went on our first weekend vacation together the following weekend, got engaged 4 months later, married 5 months after that, and we're still going strong. LOL Go figure!)

expatbrat
02-07-2007, 09:54 AM
I wasn't married until I was 34 and did plenty of dating. As a sporting chick a lot of these dates were soft-dates. That is meeting someone to go running or bike riding with, play squash or even meet in a pub for a few rounds of pool.

Very rarely would a bloke come up and ask outright "would you like to go out on a date." Blokes are too scared of rejection for that. They would more likely (in my experience) call you around 6pm and say something like "I'm hungry and heard that that new Muse Resturant is pretty good, want to come check it out with me?" (Living as an Expat since 1994 I have dated plenty of nationalities, this if my experience with men from Aust, UK, USA, SA etc).


She won't be prude if she waits (until she is married) to have sex. Then again, this is just one Christian's opinion.;)

If she ever actually got married... personally I like sex, and would certainly have no interest in risking marrying someone I had never had sex with. I wouldn't even marry someone I hadn't first lived with. But I'm Australian and you know what they say about us Aussie girls...

expatbrat
02-07-2007, 10:06 AM
Well, the love interest has been married before, but his wife was killed a few years before. It makes him more wary of intimacy (and actually a little overprotective of the heroine, which is going to drive her nuts), but my female character is about six months out of a long relationship and craves intimacy. That's going to cause quite a bit of conflict, I believe.

This WIP is going to be a romantic suspense, if that makes any difference.

I was 8 months celibate when I met the man I married. After this amount of time sex and intimacy had become something I thought of constantly. I starved human touch so much that I would bump people on the street just to feel another person, and hugged all of my friends everytime we met and parted. It actually became a pain, a hunger/thirst/breathing like human need. I picked him up after telling my girlfriends "he's got to be better than a blue rabbit!" (It started purely physical, the friendship and love came a bit later.)

If she is an exerienced women with no religious or other reasons to fear getting what she wants/likes/needs then I'd have them kissing date 2 or 3 and waking for shared breakfast pretty soon there after. If she is like any of my single 30-something friends she would probably want it soon than that but would be scared of coming across as a slut.

Anonymous Traveler
02-08-2007, 06:56 AM
I met my first wife in 1980 at a disco on a quiet night. We ended up in bed 2 hours later and married a year after that. She was 19, me 37. A very 'healthy and enthusiastic girl.' It lasted 3 years and now she's a missionary in Africa. My present wife of 15 years met at western dance classes at a local bar. Dance classes was our dating. I lived through the 70's where dating (where I lived) was considered an impediment to qucik sex.

The 60's were the ritual movies, walks in the park and a little light foreplay and no sex. The only woman who wanted sex was one friend who's husband bailed on her for someone nicer.

WildScribe
02-08-2007, 07:11 AM
If she ever actually got married... personally I like sex, and would certainly have no interest in risking marrying someone I had never had sex with. I wouldn't even marry someone I hadn't first lived with. But I'm Australian and you know what they say about us Aussie girls...


They can say that about me as a US girl as well. :) Just makes sense to really know someone before you get married.

Anyway, my husband and I dated for a year and a half before we had sex, but we were waiting for me to turn 18 (yes, I know...) and were both virgins up until that point. We were also engaged already.

laroche
02-08-2007, 12:33 PM
What do adults do on dates?
I'd think they're be plenty of resources on the topic, but...

My cousin is my age (34) and we grew up together. He got married at 21 and now has 5 kids. I traveled the world and as far as I know, don't have 5 kids. I love his kids, but every time I get together with my cousin, all he wants to hear about are my "adventures".

I once was one of those aspiring sex/romance/dating advice columnists, kind of a straight Savage Love, until I realized there was one aspiring sex/romance/dating advice columnist for every 1000 people.

FIRST OF ALL, what "adults do on a date" greatly depends on their location, surroundings and dare I say "class". Good natured alumni of Bob Jones University go to a soda fountain and talk about the morning's sermon (and there's a sermon every morning).

For a polar opposite, go to the casual encounters section of craigslist (but in all fairness, the regular dating section of craigslist isn't much different -not as quick, not as lewd, not as forward, but many people have the same intentions).

Finally, to label a woman a slut (or even hinting at it) based on how quickly she's willing to have sex with a guy only reflects your own opinions (judgments) and/or the opinions of your specific social niche . There is no cardinal rule or moral litmus test on the issue. I think it's safe say that none of my friends in Seattle would think less of a woman if she had sex on the first date. On the contrary- I've found that the older people get, the less concerned they are with that sort of thing. She's 30! She's got a sexual self and desires for intimacy, not to mention a clock ticking.

(Then again, if she goes to Bob Jones University, things may be different.)

HOWEVER, the male is a widow of a few years (six? that's too many), that complicates things considerably, and therein lies the challenge of your story! Where is he from? What does he do? What phase of mourning is he in? The "I can't have sex ever again because I made a promise to my wife and now she's dead" phase, or the "meh, promise, schmomise. The best way to honor my love is to go on living, and right now that means bagging as many broads as possible!" phase? I've been through both (though not the dead wife thing) if you need more specifics on how a man dates in these periods, feel free to ask...

gawd, i've rambled....

Annwyn
02-08-2007, 03:17 PM
Lol okay, I agree with expat brat, sex before the fourth date isn't necessarily 'easy'. Then again, I'm Australian too. Probably depends on how long they spend on dinner, usually I call it a night after dinner, cause we spend so much time over it...But then do X and Y know each other well? If they do then ice cream and a walk in the park sounds good. If they don't know each other that well and dinner is a get to know you think, then yeah, maybe they won't do anything afterwards...circumstancial really.

laroche
02-08-2007, 11:22 PM
I've been thinking about this too much since posting last night -when I forced myself to interrupt a 30 minute monologue cause I knew I could go on and on and on...

SouthernGirl, you've managed to ask a question that I think EVERYONE (everyone obviously except yourself!) has experience with. And everyone's experience is different! Yeah! So, I think in order to be more accurate, we have to know more about your characters.

One other thing I think might be relevant (then I'll stop, really) dating nowadays has been complicated by the internet and dating sites: you can know a hella lot about a person before even meeting them (not to mention talking on the phone for hours), so thus where the "old fashioned way" purpose of dating was to get to know someone, and thus you'd require a few dates to decide "where does it go from here" (sex), nowadays, those initial introductory dates can be conducted online and over the phone, so that the first actual "meeting" serves little more as a verification of the traits the person purports to be. Once that's done ("That photo you sent me wasn't of you..." or "damn, you're as hot as you sound"), well, there's only one more test to conduct....

but then again, if they go to Bob Jones U....

Tiger
02-08-2007, 11:35 PM
I just had a first date a few days ago. Dinner, a walk on the beach. Usually avoid Waikiki like the plague, but ended up on the beach there because it was near the restaurant. The moon was large and bright. We sat on a bench and talked.

It was about as Hollywood as dates get in Hawai'i... Know what though? It was pretty much perfect.

Southern_girl29
02-09-2007, 12:10 AM
Honestly, I would never label a woman as easy depending on how long she waits to have sex after she starts to date someone. When I asked that question, I meant would she seem easy to the general reader.

spike
02-09-2007, 12:22 AM
I'm a widow who re-entered the dating scene at 38.

First dates--Coffee. That's it. I sat through one too many dinners with guys I knew weren't for me.

laroche
02-09-2007, 11:04 AM
Honestly, I would never label a woman as easy depending on how long she waits to have sex after she starts to date someone. When I asked that question, I meant would she seem easy to the general reader.

Would the "GR" think "negative" of a woman for having sex? I think that's your goal as a writer -conveying to your audience that she can have sex and not be a slut, not turn into a neurotic nutcase, not be hunted down by an axe-wielding maniac, NOT have bad things to her in general, as the general impression in a lot of media is that women who enjoy themselves (herselves? theirselves? argh...) are *negative* -are bad people or have bad things happen to them. I strongly encourage you to have something different happen, like "she meets a guy, she likes him, she dates him, she doesn't die of AIDS/catch herpes/has an abortion, life goes on..."

As the writer, it's your world, you get to create it as you'd like...

jessie318
02-15-2007, 05:33 AM
Personally I think this all depends on the personalities of the characters in your WIP and the development of their relationship outside the dates. Are they talking on the phone continuously? Were they colleagues or friends for years first? Do they have some interest(s) or associations in common? These sorts of clues will lead to a logical date "event" and also give you a sense for how quickly they will be intimate.

Personally, I'm 32 and I've been on dates that range the gamut from sporting events to wine tastings. Like I said, it totally depends on the interests of the characters.

Perhaps you could share a little more about them and then we'd be able to narrow our advice! :) Good luck!

-Jessica

JimmyB27
02-15-2007, 04:40 PM
I'd say something like the cinema. That way, you're together but there's no pressure to make conversation. You can just get used to each other's company. (And you're in the dark, heh heh).

I never got the whole cinema-as-date thing. There's not just no pressure to make conversation, it's nigh on impossible. How can you expect to get to know someone in the dark without talking?
Going to the cinema has to be the most anti-social social activity there is.

ideagirl
02-15-2007, 09:36 PM
shouldn't they do something afterward? Is dinner alone a good date? Any help with this would be greatly appreciated.

I went on a good first date to an Asian restaurant near the man's home (walking distance). We're in the age range of the people in your book. Asian restaurants are not great for dessert, so after dinner, we walked back to his apartment for dessert. He had kind of set it up that way--so if dinner didn't work out, it wouldn't last longer than necessary (we wouldn't order dessert, since there was nothing but green-tea ice cream on the menu); but if it did work out, he would suggest going back to his place for dessert, and we could make the date last as long as we wanted it to. We ended up hanging out, talking and kissing (but not sex), for about six more hours after dinner! Then he took me home. It was great, and yes, we had more dates after that.

ideagirl
02-15-2007, 09:43 PM
Well, the love interest has been married before, but his wife was killed a few years before. It makes him more wary of intimacy (and actually a little overprotective of the heroine, which is going to drive her nuts)

Maybe you've seen men whose wife died suddenly, but here's some more experience that might be of use to you. My father lost his fiancee very suddenly. She would've been his third wife. It took him nearly ten years to fall in love again. In the meantime, he was alone for a couple of years; then he had a relationship for 2 or 3 years that he described in the most unromantic terms I've ever heard: "We have a mutually convenient agreement," things like that--basically she was someone who was there for occasional companionship and sex, but he wasn't in love at all. He still had pictures of his late fiancee all over his house. Then, a while after that had ended, he had a brief relationship that he was more interested in, but it still wasn't love; he ended that one because the woman was a little, um, high maintenance. And finally, nine years after his fiancee died, he fell in love.

So maybe your main male character had some kind of transitional relationship, a "mutually convenient arrangement" type of thing, between his wife's death and this new relationship with the heroine?

jennifer75
02-17-2007, 01:19 AM
I'm trying to get ideas about what adults do on dates.

Depends on their age. Dinner followed by a movie, or dinner followed by an evening in at either his or her place. wink wink



Anyway, I want somewhere they can talk, so they can get to know each other. I thought going out for dinner would work for that. But, shouldn't they do something afterward? Is dinner alone a good date? Any help with this would be greatly appreciated.


I think a nice italian restraunt early evening 7ish where they aren't being rushed out after eating, follow up with coffee and/or a nice walk (depending on the location and the weather). This allows lots of talking time.

Dinner and a movie ends up being rushed, with neither knowing much about the other.

jennifer75
02-17-2007, 01:20 AM
There's also the back seat of a '84 Audi . . .

Uh, never mind.

wink wink

jennifer75
02-17-2007, 01:22 AM
That's going to happen after the fourth or fifth date, but not in an Audi. ;)

I don't want my character to be a prude, but I don't want readers to think she's easy either. What's a good length of time to be dating before having sex? Fourth or fifth date?

so now we're easy heh? lol

jennifer75
02-17-2007, 01:23 AM
What's a good length of time to be dating before having sex? Fourth or fifth date?


The answer to that will change your character completely.

jennifer75
02-17-2007, 01:27 AM
I can't imagine having sex with someone I've only met four or five times. o.o Though, I'm young yet. But still, wow, that's barely knowing someone. I can't trust someone in that short a time.


Give it a few years...you'll get there. :)

jennifer75
02-17-2007, 01:28 AM
Good thinking, Tallymark. Especially since no birth control method is 100% effective.


And STD's are no laughing matter. Not that I've ever...

Sohia Rose
02-17-2007, 03:03 AM
I think it depends on the personality of the character. Every "date" is different. I've been on dates where there was no chemistry and we parted ways.

Then my future husband came along. I was 29 years old (he was 31). On our first date, he took me to see a live rock band play at a pub and we were in the sack five hours later :tongue . I knew I wanted to be with him, but no matter how much I liked a guy, I knew I couldn't stay with him if we weren't compatible in bed. What can I say. I'm a chick who LOVES sex. And I've had some bad sex. My husband is a rockstar!:Guitar:

But we did use protection (a condom) until we got engaged and were both tested for STDs. I was the type of chick who bought my own condoms. No shame :) . I grew up in a large city.

jennifer75
02-17-2007, 03:40 AM
On our first date, he took me to see a live rock band play at a pub and we were in the sack five hours later

I LOVE IT!!!!

Sean D. Schaffer
02-17-2007, 07:26 PM
My WIP features an unmarried, nearly 30 year old woman. She has never been married before, and a man asks her on a date and she accepts. I'm trying to get ideas about what adults do on dates. I married when I was almost 21 and have been married for almost nine years, so I don't reall remember all that much about dating, lol.

Anyway, I want somewhere they can talk, so they can get to know each other. I thought going out for dinner would work for that. But, shouldn't they do something afterward? Is dinner alone a good date? Any help with this would be greatly appreciated.


I'm going through just such a situation now. The woman I'm going out with at present is older, and has been married before, so I don't know if this will help or not.

But because of past experiences on both our parts, we've decided to wait a year on sex. It's not a prudish thing; it's a practical thing with us. We want to really know each other well before we engage in such things.

What we've been doing so far as dating goes include such things as talking, walking to the store together, going to get coffee, and doing puzzles together.

We've thought about other things, but our relationship is still pretty young yet. However, we have kissed, and we do hug. And a few other things such as marriage have crept into the conversation a few times, although a proposal has not been made yet.

Basically, though, I find that she and I enjoy just relaxing on my couch and listening to music, as well as talking together. It's rather simplistic, I realize, but it's still very much a loving relationship between the two of us.


I hope this helps; I wish you all the best with your research.

:)

MattW
02-19-2007, 03:25 AM
we've decided to wait a year on sex.
Wow. Just wow.

While I'm sure it means you will develop a strong friendship, I don't think that I could have ever dated someone for that long without any physical intimacy. For me, it all goes hand in hand.

If you can maintain the smoldering passion for that long, more power to you. I'd get resentful, frustrated, or plain bored by month 3.

Novelust
02-19-2007, 04:35 AM
I'm a little amazed at all the anti-movie folks. :)

I love seeing the movie before dinner. It's good for getting comfortable with the person, there isn't a lot of conversational pressure, and if it's obvious you hate each other from the first five minutes before the show in the theatre, you can claim tiredness/illness and go home. If it's going well, you have a low-pressure conversation starter for the meal.

But I'm a little shy, and I like the movies - your character's mileage may vary.

Bravo
02-19-2007, 04:39 AM
i personally dont get why you would have them go to a movie in a novel. that would be a missed opportunity for them having a great conversation.