View Full Version : BS your way through

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02-02-2007, 12:31 AM
How about a new game . . . We've all done it. Yes, even you. Someone asks a question, and -- after a pause in which no one response -- you offered up an answer you know is complete Equine Droppings.

So here's how it works - a question is asked, and the poster below must offer up an explanation (using the aforementioned equine droppings method) Then that poster asks another question and the next one has to reply in said manner.

Feeling up to it? I'll start the ball rolling:

Q: Why do potatos have eyes?

(ETA - Aww crap, I typo'd the title. I need a cookie)

02-02-2007, 12:31 AM
A: It's a function of Homeland Security. New government regulations allow for domestic spying without a warrant - but what you don't know is that the NSA started doing this generations ago, very quiely, by genetically altering the simple Russet potato. Now, as that bag of potential tots sits in your kitchen, photos are taken at a ratio of 10/minute and transmitted back to Homeland Security. Since we all know, most terrorist planning is done in the kitchen of the average home. I've heard they're working on carrots that transmit voice recordings next.

Q: How do they get that cream inside a Twinky?

02-02-2007, 01:17 AM
I've heard they're working on carrots that transmit voice recordings next.

No, no, it's the corn that transmits voice recordings. They also monitor purchasers of canned and frozen corn, since those suspicious characters are obviously aware of the top-secret "ears" technology and actively avoiding letting it into their homes.

Q: How do they get that cream inside a Twinky?

A: They don't. Twinkies begin life as elegant little dough concoctions, solid all the way through. They are then allowed to age in a non-sterile environment until the dough rots into white goop and a healthy coating of mold sprouts up on the outer shell. When the mold is thick enough, they're flash-frozen to halt further decomposition (which causes some additional, non-harmful discoloration). They're then thawed, dried, and packaged up as snack food.

Q: How is it possible to have a sunny cold day (or, why don't sunshine and warm weather always go together)?

02-02-2007, 02:10 AM
A. Basic physics. Heat rises. Cold air drops. When the sun comes out, it draws all the heat from the Earth up into the sky and that forces the cold air from the other parts to rush into the sunny region.

Q. Why are Barbies and Ken not anatomically correct?

02-02-2007, 02:18 AM
Q. Why are Barbies and Ken not anatomically correct?

A: After forming Barbie's humungous mammaries, there was not enough plastic left over for Ken's dinkle. A plea was put out for other countries to supply materials to form Ken's dinkle but each land on this planet declared they had used up all available plastics on their collaborative design for a lady's toy based on Maestrowork, called the Rampant Raybit.


Q: What is the meaning of life?

02-02-2007, 02:24 AM
Q: What is the meaning of life?

A: Massive plastic dinkles.

Q: Why is chocolate fattening?

02-02-2007, 02:39 AM
A: Because the chocolatosaurus, from which kitkats are made, is inhabited during its lifetime, parasite-style, by lots of little fatbugs, virus-like creatures composed entirely of fat. When coming into contact with stomach acids, they expand, settling in the good land of your ass and hips.

Q: Why do I crave cornflakes every evening as a snack?

02-02-2007, 02:43 AM
That would be the addictive agents added by terrorists. To avoid this effect, eat nothing nutritious ever again.

Why are sunflower seeds so good?

02-02-2007, 02:51 AM
Why are sunflower seeds so good?

Sunflower seeds are so good, because they are nature's antidepressants. You eat them, and all the sun's energy explodes inside your body.

"Sunshiny day..."

Why do some people's eyes look green sometimes, and then at other times, they look blue?

02-02-2007, 03:24 AM
Why do some people's eyes look green sometimes, and then at other times, they look blue?

You've stumbled into yet another area of sensitivity governed by Homeland Security. If the "person" (replicant drone) to whom you are talking is being remotely controlled/piloted/scripted by one of the Army folks in the Pentagon, the eyes show green at that moment. If Navy or Air Force folks are "at the helm" as they say, laughing about how your eyes look brown or amber on their monitor, they show blue, until an Army pilot takes over again.

There are no "blue" or "green" eyes, in nature. If you see THAT in a mirror, feel for an access panel in the base of your bladerunner-evading skull and try to make a run for it!

Now then, why do we always wake up right before the alarm clock goes off?

Silver King
02-02-2007, 04:00 AM
Now then, why do we always wake up right before the alarm clock goes off?
Your inner clock is calibrated to chime anywhere form one second to ten minutes before the alarm clock sounds, which is why external noise is meaningless in waking you; unless you forget to set the alarm clock, in which case you will oversleep.

Why do I end up in the slowest driving lane when I'm in a hurry?

02-02-2007, 04:03 AM
Ah, I'm glad you asked. There's a little known piece of research by a very famous psychiatrist (I'm afraid his name escapes me) that shows that nearly 89% of people have receptors that allow them to sense the tiny electrical signal that tells your alarm clock that it's going to go off in 5 minutes. This receptor wakes you up so you don't die of shock when woken by the alarm. damnit, Silver King's too fast.

And we're back to homeland security. There's a tracker on every car sold these days that senses when you're trying to go fast. Homeland security sends in cars to drive in front of you and slow you down. It's a public health measure to reduce the number of accidents on the roads.

Why aren't there any naturally occurring blue foods?

02-02-2007, 04:14 AM
This is a common myth. There are in fact a number of foods which are naturally blue; however, during the farming process so many pesticides and chemicals are added to them that the blue color vanishes. A prime example of this is the rutabaga. In its natural habitat, it's a lovely shade of indigo. By the time it is treated for aphids and sprayed with preservative wax, it's about the same color as earwax. Same goes for kiwi fruit. Not really green at all.

Question: How come when you make chocolate milk with the powdery stuff, you get that layer of brown chum floating on top of the glass?

Ol' Fashioned Girl
02-02-2007, 04:31 AM
Actually, that layer of brown chum is cowviar. When dried and mixed with chocolate powder and then exposed to milk, it returns to its natural state: cow eggs.

Why don't chicken have teeth?

Silver King
02-02-2007, 04:46 AM
Why don't chicken have teeth?
All birds used to have teeth, including chicken, but through evolution (lack of use), the enamel was absorbed through their bodies and turned into feathers.

Besides the obvious use of alerting them to cold climates, why do men have nipples?

02-02-2007, 04:48 AM
It was God's way of making us all equals.

Ques: Why are women horrible drivers?

02-02-2007, 04:59 AM
Ques: Why are women horrible drivers?

It all began with men being the more horrible drivers. So men began installing mirrors in cars, as predictable, undeniable distractors for the fairer gender. Now men are the better drivers by comparison.

Why can't we get the worst song we heard all day out of our head?

Ol' Fashioned Girl
02-02-2007, 04:11 PM
Oh, I can't believe no one's answered gclare's question! It's so easy!

The reason the worst song we've heard all day gets stuck in our heads is that we have these tiny little things called post-synaptic dendrites. They're the bridges between our synapses - and synapses are the connectors between brain cells. Each of these brain cells contains - among other things -half the complete and total melody and lyrics to all the songs - not just the worst songs - that have ever been written or will ever be written. When one of the two halves picks up a melody, it fires off a message via its nearest dendrite. Most of the time, that dendrite connects to the proper 'other half' and the result is we hear the song and it goes away. At least once a day, however, there's a misfire - the post-synaptic dendrite connects to the wrong song and gets stuck.


But what I really want to know is: Who built Stonehenge?

02-02-2007, 05:05 PM
But what I really want to know is: Who built Stonehenge?

Nobody built Stonehenge. It's a naturally occuring geologic formation formed during the Mesozoic period by intense volcanic and lithostatic pressure. Its unique shape is nothing more than the end result of xenomorphic crystals warped by the intense heat of the Earth's crust, probably somewhere below the Mohorovicic Discountinuity.

And, as long as we're on the subject... of all the animals in the world, why did they clone a sheep first?

02-02-2007, 05:31 PM
Although the scientific community is reluctant to admit this, it was actually because a geneticist took a joke far too seriously. One of the research assistants made a comment about finding a new source for ewe-ranium, and the geneticist, being a bit addled from all those years inhaling the vapors of petri dishes, took it to heart. While he never did discovered the ewe-ranium mother load, he did in fact set a new precedent for increasing the population of funny-looking animals.

Which reminds me: how come when you go to a zoo and you see a boy animal and a girl animal in the same habitat, they never really appear to be that into each other?

02-02-2007, 08:06 PM
The thing is, by the time these pairs of animals get put out there on display in the zoo, they've been together for a few months - during this quarrantine period, they get to know each other and learn each other's habits and personalities. Thusly, by the time they're out and on display, HE has already left the toilet set up 1,392 times while SHE has asked him 3,487,297 times if her ass looks big in these stripes. By now, well, they're just not that into each other.

What I'd like to know is - why does the moon look so big in the sky sometimes?

02-02-2007, 08:28 PM
The moon hides a base for an extraterrestrial task force experimenting with gravitational manipulations. By manipulating the size of the moon and observing the effects, they hope to develop gravity-control techniques -- for what purpose we don't know. But they pay their rent in nifty gadgets, so no one in the astronomy field on earth asks too many questions.

Why don't lids that come with cups actually fit the cups they're supposed to be designed for? (thus causing, ah, drinking problems for the consumer)

02-02-2007, 10:24 PM
A. The apparel companies have secret agreements with the beverage companies. That's why you usually see clothing stores surrounding Starbucks. Coincidence? Not.

Q. Why do cats meow and dogs bark? Why not the other way?

Ol' Fashioned Girl
02-02-2007, 10:49 PM
Ray, you never studied.

Cats meow and dogs bark because the little digital boxes in their stuffing are programmed to do so by legions of fairies in a hidden workshop in the North Pole. It was, actually, set up the other way originally, but you know how bass ackward fairies can be.

But, tell me, why - oh, why - did they have to call them 'peas'?

02-02-2007, 11:14 PM
But, tell me, why - oh, why - did they have to call them 'peas'?

Because calling them Rs would be worse.

What's the difference between homework and housework?

02-03-2007, 12:57 AM
Silly, the home is where you live and the house is rental property making any work you do on it totally amortizable and deductible on line 93A of your tax return, unless you paid sales tax on Halloween candy.

Why does one require an ABA number a SWIFT code and an account tracking number when one wants to wire money to a Nigerian Prince?

Ol' Fashioned Girl
02-03-2007, 02:18 AM
It's all part of international banking law. Since Nigeria's banking system isn't part of the European Union, the EU has dealt extensively with banking and financial issues for non-member states since member states are generally unable to restrict how financial products are marketed across borders. They require an ABA number and a SWIFT code as part of their backflow tracing program. In the event of an actual transfer, these programs make sure the funds flow unidirectionally, thereby guaranteeing the Prince has access to his funds in the shortest amount of time.

Now, tell me, why are Fritos so addictive?

02-03-2007, 03:24 AM
There is a special micro-chip called an "addictivitator" located in one Frito per pack. That particular Frito is always specially placed near the top of the pack. Once you have eaten this one, you are physically unable to stop eating them. This is a ploy put into place by the medical and pharmaceutical profession to increase people’s cholesterol levels, resulting in medical testing and hospital stays.

When goldfish sleep, do they close their eyes?

Silver King
02-03-2007, 03:40 AM
All fish have transparent eyelids which they blink while awake and keep firmly closed during slumber.

During the early stages of growth, why does the fetus display prominent gills and a tail?

02-03-2007, 05:52 AM
This is because the fish egg is actually a microscopic ocean unto itself. The Fish fetus must swim through the relative equivalent of the Atlantic Ocean to reach the edge of the egg and be born. As it swims it builds muscle, and thus grows in size and develops. If the fish doesn't make it in time, it will be stuck in the egg as the water inside rots and they are devoured by the plankton which will inevitably infiltrate the egg. Fish have a very hard life.

02-03-2007, 05:57 AM
Good answer CBeasy, but what's your question?

Silver King
02-03-2007, 05:57 AM
I messed up the game already, CB. I meant to say human fetus!

We can get back on track, though. Ask a question.

02-03-2007, 06:00 AM
The term "Homework" comes from the Old English word for "keeping children busy," and , thus, out of trouble. Likewise, the term "Housework" comes from Old English, meaning "nemesis to bacteria." Oddly, with years of mispronunciation and the rise of the industrial revolution, both terms became close cousins in our lexicon.

Why were you late for work?
(Good grief, I missed a page. Carry on.)

Silver King
02-03-2007, 06:22 AM
C. Bronco just came back from the races and didn't have time to catch up to the later posts, but now she's in to play hard.

Why were you late for work?
Soft breath on my neck and a kiss along the nape made my job seem far away; and when her body moved closer, the heat and rustling sheets drowned my boss's imagined ire, his distant threats no match for her searching hands.

Why does the mind hold false what the body holds true?

02-03-2007, 06:50 AM
This question was definitively answered in the mid-1980s by the Russian Psychiatrist Vladimir Pipinofski in his bestselling book The revenge of the Body(PublishAmerica 1984). Pipinoski hypothesized that the since the reason the body often lies to the mind was because of a phenomenon he dubbed "Organ Jealousy". Vlad was quoted as saying "You see, the body does all the work, but the mind gets all the glory." He pointed out that no one has ever said "A body is a terrible thing waste". He also noted Americans almost always know how to read, though all of them are overweight. As a result of this popularity imbalance, the body often lies to the mind in an attempt to embarrass it and thus discredit it.

Why do they call it the North Pole when it's really a South Polarity Magnetic Pole?

02-03-2007, 07:07 AM
Because it used to be a north pole - the poles switched millennia ago (several times, in fact). Scientists, knowing this, decided abitrarily on a north and south pole, knowing that their long term status is flexible. Either that or they really ****ed it up.

Why is it so hard to get Jaffa Cakes in the US?

Silver King
02-03-2007, 07:31 AM
Once Jaffa Cakes was renamed Franz Kafka Cakes, US demand plummeted.

In the twilight of our years, why does the light seem brighter?

Anne Stevens
02-03-2007, 07:59 AM
Easy...it's a government conspiracy. Isn't everything?? Once we hit the twilight of our years (which is determined by an algorithm that was discovered by Aristotle) we are the able to see the light as it truly is. Lightbulbs, the sun, and even fireflies have been subdued by a device that creates a sort of force field around our planet. However, for some reason, the effects of the field are not experienced by humans once they hit their twilight years. The government is still working on a fix for that one. Why do they do this, you ask?

The world may never know.

Why is it that some clouds look as though they are 3d and others do not?

02-03-2007, 08:04 AM
This is because, since all planetary orbiting is actually a form of free-falling, the earth is actually getting a little closer to the sun each year. Since Earth's magnetic field reflects light in exponential amounts, the Earth gets bright every time is moves closer by an exact numerical distance, the Earth actually brightens by 3%, Scientist refer to this as "Light Bracketing" and have determined this distance to 130000^4LightYears, which is of course is represented in equations as ~!. It just so happens that ~! occurs every 65 years, which of course is the time it takes for a human to turn elderly. Thus, it is actually physically brighter outside when one is elderly than in one's younger years. Some experts predict that the cataracts that some elderly people develop is just evolution's way to counteract this effect.

Why don't Baboons have hair on their butts?

ETA: Okay, I went overboard and the one too me too long. So someone beat me. Go ahead and skip me, I just had to post that!

Silver King
02-03-2007, 08:16 AM
Why don't Baboons have hair on their butts?
Genetically, baboons are 98.96% equivalent to humankind. Unfortunately, they haven't stopped scratching their ass, which makes them even more human-like.

The older we become, and the more likely death seems, why does God seem so far away?

Anne Stevens
02-03-2007, 08:22 AM
This is because, since all planetary orbiting is actually a form of free-falling, the earth is actually getting a little closer to the sun each year. Since Earth's magnetic field reflects light in exponential amounts, the Earth gets bright every time is moves closer by an exact numerical distance, the Earth actually brightens by 3%, Scientist refer to this as "Light Bracketing" and have determined this distance to 130000^4LightYears, which is of course is represented in equations as ~!. It just so happens that ~! occurs every 65 years, which of course is the time it takes for a human to turn elderly. Thus, it is actually physically brighter outside when one is elderly than in one's younger years. Some experts predict that the cataracts that some elderly people develop is just evolution's way to counteract this effect.

haha, I like yours better :)

02-03-2007, 02:13 PM
The older we become, and the more likely death seems, why does God seem so far away?

In the 16th Century, a scientist/exotic dancer Geletin discovered that when we get old, our brain secretes a substance (later we realized this substance was called hormone) called lipocortizone that slowly shuts down the body's functions. A side effect of this hormone is that it also chips away part of our soul little at a time. Geletin discovered that the relation to God is dependent on the soul to body ratio. If the ratio falls under 1:2,000,000, our soul would not even register in God's notebook. That is why heaven is full of children and young people. Old people who die go to a place called the Playhouse where they may gain entrance to heaven again by exposing their genitals to the guards. Geletin was regarded as a genius.

If the world spins so fast, why don't we all just get tossed into space?

Ol' Fashioned Girl
02-04-2007, 02:04 AM
Looks like you stumped the band, Ray; I had to do some major research into the whys and wherefores - even called a dear friend of mine, Prof. Puaolini, to discuss some of the finer points before getting back to you.

Believe it or not, getting tossed into space is how we got here in the first place! I know... I know. You're skeptical, aren't you? So was I! But Puaolini confirmed it. Our ancestors - farther back than you can imagine - were flung out into space and traveled here on the backs of star stuff.

Darwin had it right, y'know? Genetic memory being what it is, our ancestors tried for thousands of years to develop just the right 'attraction' to this planet to be able to hang on, as it were. Those who didn't develop the right 'attraction' got flung off Earth and ended up - oh, who knows where? Those who did develop the right 'attraction' stuck to the surface of Earth, were able to procreate, and here we are.

Occasionally there's a throwback to the old days and some of us are born with out that attractive gene we need to be able to hang tight - and over the years we build up speed and one day just fly off. Suddenly. Without warning. If you've ever been talking to someone who just up and disappeared you know what I mean.

And that's it! It's all genetics.

Why is water wet?

02-04-2007, 03:45 AM
I thought everyone knew that, OFG! Water's wet because the particular ratio of oxygen to hydrogen is able to seep between molecules of most other substances when held between the freezing and boiling point of water. This ability to absorb into other substances makes it "wet."

Since pollution in the atmosphere makes the sky blue - I want to know whether, back in the mid-1800's, when the industrial age forced pollution to its peak - way back then, did the sky appear to be a different color?

02-04-2007, 04:14 AM
Yes, but it was a subtle difference. The color of the sky back then was cyan. What most people don't realize is that cyan originally didn't refer to a color at all; it meant "deadly" -- hence, a cyan sky was one with enough pollution to be deadly. In modern times this entymology has largely been forgotten, so people have come to think that cyan just means a particular shade of blue.

Why are some people born procrastinators?

02-04-2007, 04:34 AM
In fact, no-one is born a procrastinator. We are all born equal, with an ability to do things straight away, rather than putting them off. However, during the process of reprogramming (which happens secretlyto every human being at the age of 13 years), some of us develop certain characteristics such as procrastinating, exaggerating, lying, etc. If this reprogramming occurs at the same time as the full moon, it's power is increased, and the human being is cursed with that characteristic for the rest of their life.

Why does my husband insist on leaving the doors open and letting flies into the house?

02-05-2007, 12:39 AM
I didn't want to be the one to tell you this, Mandy-Jane, but it's time you found out. Your husband -- well, has he ever told you the story of his great-uncle James? Great-uncle James is famous, in a way. See, there was this science experiment, involving a chamber and a fly, and . . . well. . . Suffice it to say, your husband vowed as a young boy to never stop trying to find his great-uncle James. After fighting his way free of that spider web, he hasn't been seen since. Your husband is simply doing his part by offering safe sanctuary to any fly who might happen to be great-uncle James. "Help me! Help me!"

Why is the Superbowl never held in Hawaii?

02-05-2007, 01:05 AM
Hawaii is a Chinese province.

Where is the egg in eggplant?

02-05-2007, 01:16 AM
The eggplant actually begins as an egg when it comes out of the nether regions of a large hen -- specifically, a breed known as the Bulgarian Purple. These large, hardy hens are ideal for folks who want to raise vegetables but have a "brown thumb". A well-fed Bulgarian Purple can lay up to four eggs a day, and sometimes as many as thirty a week! Once the eggs are harvested, they're planted in the soil just like any other seed, and they produce the plant which later sprouts the "vegetable" known as eggplant. Which, as we've just learned, isn't a plant at all but in fact a dairy product.

Question: Who decides on the names for those colors you find on the paint swatches at places like Lowe's and Home Depot?

02-05-2007, 02:04 AM
The names given to those colors are governmentally researched and approved appellations designed to relax you as you stare at the wall during a terrorist attack or other national emergency. One of the many functions of the Department of Homeland Security is to create a peaceful and harmonious state of mind in cases of dire national emergency. As you'll notice HOME DEPOT is really an abbreviated form of Dep. of Homeland Sec., as I'm sure you have hitherto realized. Just as LOWES is merely an anacronym for the organization dealing with prenumbral sensitivity requirements as set forth in the Federal Code of Regulating Enforcemental Provisions Volume 27 Section 14 A sub parens 56-98.

Why don't you ever hear of people being reincarnated from Joe Shmo the onion picker from Timbucktu?

Silver King
02-05-2007, 08:15 AM
Why don't you ever hear of people being reincarnated from Joe Shmo the onion picker from Timbucktu?
Because Joe Shmo has been reinvented in so many ways, like Joe Lewis and Joe Theisman and Joe Blow, that the name no longer registers with the effect of, say, The Reincarnation of Peter Proud.

Why does sixty minutes of Super Bowl register countless hours of hype before and after the game?

02-06-2007, 12:17 AM
It's called the Superbowl String Theory Phenomenon, wherein the actual pre and post game coverage -- in truth -- lasts only 3 minutes on average. However, as the Superbowl String Theory Phenomenon suggest - during this event, all coverage, discussion or mere mention of the Super Bowl itself creates a warp in the time-space continuim, thus twisting our perception of time and the relative calories of potato chips and beer. We are therefore confused into thinking this Super Bowl coverage is going on and on and on, whilst also consuming mass quantities of Lite beer and pretzels.

Some speculate that only those who do consume these products experience the Superbowl String Theory Phenomenon - causing them to feel time pass in a matter of moments. Whereas those who avoid alcohol and snack food consumption fail to connect with the SSTP wave, and are therefore left with an odd sensation of time slowing at a dramatic rate.

There is, as of yet, no cure or way to avoid the SSTP. Studies have show, however, that if one wishes to make time pass at a more nominal rate during the Super Bowl, it is advisable to consume alcohol. And lots of it.

What I'd like to know is: Why does a watched pot take so long to boil?

02-06-2007, 12:29 AM
Why, the answer is in your very own avatar....consider the expression "staring daggers." Now, the only way that we can tell that a pot is boiling is the bubbling action on the surface. But if you are staring daggers, those little darts travel at light speed, much slower than the decaf coffee speed at which our brains operate. So you have prematurely popped the bubbles you needed as evidence to make a decision that the pot has boiled. The only pot that every boils is one that we hear boiling (speed of sound less, than decaf coffee speed of brain, less than speed of light).

Now, if someone could just tell me how the phrase "it's the exception that proves the rule" makes any sense at all?!?!

Ol' Fashioned Girl
02-06-2007, 06:39 AM
Scholars have argued the answer to your question for hundred of years, gclare. Research (http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a3_201.html) indicates that this phrase - originally spouted in Latin as "exception probat regulam" - was hurled forth as the next-to-last challenge... the one offered in an argument when the arguer senses s/he hasn't got much of a leg left to stand on and the arguee is ready to deliver the coup de'grace - namely, 'Yo momma!'.

But why does bottled water have an expiration date?

02-06-2007, 07:08 AM
Because if you let it sit out long enough it starts to taste really strange. This is based on the bottle of water I've been taking my allergy meds with every morning for two weeks, that's been sitting out on my nightstand that long. Water tasted almost dusty, even though the cap's been on.

Why do my cats insist on cleaning my hand whether it's freshly washed or dirty?

02-06-2007, 07:15 AM
Because you drink dusty water. Cats on average have 153% more dust-sensing cells than humans. Their instinctual response to high dust levels (i.e., typical human dust levels) is to try to wash away the unhealthy excess, which they can safely do thanks to the antidustial properties of feline saliva.

Why are there always some uncracked pistachios at the bottom of the bag?

Ol' Fashioned Girl
02-06-2007, 07:48 AM
Those are holdouts who are there to preserve the species. Without them, pistachios would soon die out.

Now, where are the four corners of the earth?

02-06-2007, 07:52 AM
Because by the time you've gotten to the bottom of the bag, you've consumed far too many pistachios. The uncracked ones are put there as a public service by the companies (in collaboration with the Senate Subcommittee on Obesity) to slow down your consumption.

Also, the Dental Advisory Board needed a little more funding.

Why do they keep making sappy, over-acted TV commercials about life insurance or being "regular"?

02-06-2007, 07:54 AM
Oh no! Crossed with OFG!

The four corners of the earth are all here, in my little town. They brought them here to increase tourism. So when people are sent to the "four corners of the earth," they're actually coming to BFE.

Now my commercials question:

Why do they keep making TV commercials that are so BAD???

02-06-2007, 08:17 AM
Why do they keep making TV commercials that are so BAD???

It's not that the TV commercials are so bad, but that they are so incredibly enlightening that they soar right over our heads. Those advertisers... pure genius. We just don't realize it.

My question-why would a person say "I could care less" meaning that they don't care at all. Clearly, if you could care less, that would insinuate that your level of caring is slightly above not caring at all.

Ol' Fashioned Girl
02-06-2007, 06:32 PM
I believe, dreamsofnever, that's because people are basically careless (get it? huh? huh? :D) and, bottom line, lazy. It just takes too much energy to get it right, y'know? That one-tenth joule it would take to add 'n't' to the end of 'could' is just too much to ask.

Here's a real toughy, though: Why does eating salty snacks make me thirsty?

02-06-2007, 07:37 PM
Salt contains an enzyme called hydrolackingsome. This enzyme immediately attacks your throat muscles and tongue to make them dry, and diverts the water to your bladder as well as your joints and legs and hips and, and most notably, face and eye lids. The puffiness on your body is caused by a hormone U-fat-S that is also triggered by the enzyme.

Why do birds suddenly appear, every time when you're near?

02-06-2007, 10:10 PM
You'd think it was a complex issue involving placement, time, wind currents and air flow - but really it's just the birdseed shampoo you're using.

What makes the world go 'round?

Ol' Fashioned Girl
02-06-2007, 10:27 PM
It's a necessity for our survival, gclare! If people knew the truth, we'd be inundated with offers to work for us for free... why, I'd never be able to get any work done if it weren't for the perception that it's deadly boring around here. Since y'all don't know where I am, I can tell you the gods' honest truth, working here's like being in the middle of a sexy soap opera day-in, day-out! I wouldn't trade it for anything! As it is, I had to get a conceal-carry permit just to be able to protect myself.

The pressing issue of the moment, however, is how do cats purr? Where does that sound come from?

02-06-2007, 10:36 PM
According to the blueprints of my cats, MAKU (Mobile Automation Kitty Unit) version 1.0 and 2.0, it's the purr box soldered between their first and second vertebrae (of course, these are made of aluminum, which gives them that vibrating sound). The purr-pose of the purr box is simple: To attract human companions who paid for these units. The attraction leads to feeding, rubbing, stroking, patting, all of which result in regenerating the MAKU's battery and their ability to strike while the human companion is at sleep. Like all other elegant designs, the purr box succeeds because it's just so simple.
(copied from MAKU Design Digest, issue 239)

Why do snowflakes stay on your nose and eye lashes?

02-07-2007, 12:29 AM
Those crystalline objects you refer to as "snowflakes" are, in point of fact, aliens from the planet OoohAwwwEeee. Every year, typically during the winter equanox of this planet we call Earth, they attempt a full-on invasion. Their plan is diabolical, logical and quite simple: Disrupt Human Activity. They attempt this by sending in their First Legion Automated Kamakazi Endzones (F.L.A.K.E.s) these Flakes pile up on top of each other in strategic places, like roads, driveways and airport runways, preventing normal commerce and commutes.

Their Secret Agents also descend with the waves of F.L.A.K.E.s and try to infiltrate your brains by clinging to your nose and eyelashes and bombarding you with the chill of their breath and penetrating your mind with their psyonic powers. I've been informed they're currently attempting a coup of the East Coast. Beware.


So, tell me, how do they get those little ships inside the bottles?

02-07-2007, 12:53 AM
The ships aren't really that little. They are "life size" ships built in an alternate timestream from ours, where steam engines never developed. Space aliens connect a wormhole from that world, to the neck of a bottle in ours. When the ship is sucked through the event horizon, the ship shrinks to fit inside the bottle. No one knows why the space aliens do this, but it is rumored that they like ship-flavored rum.

Why do dog's feet smell like corn chips?

02-07-2007, 01:02 AM
It's not actually the smell of the dog's foot, but the smell of the washing liquid used to wash their socks.

Must learn to type faster...

I'm glad you asked that MM. It's a question that bothered me for many years. I researched the secret in all the greatest libraries in the world, from Falkirk to Wyoming and finally found the answer in a box that sat in my great-great-grandpa's attic for many years.

The secret is wicked, wickedly wicked, in fact. It will alter your very perception of reality.

The ship isn't really in the bottle at all. Chinese mystics came up with this system long before quantum physicists in the western world understood the dual nature of twinned atoms. The ship is actually an anti ship, created from atoms that hold the opposite state of those held in the bottle. The mastery is knowing which atoms to select to create the image of the ship in the bottle. It's a life's work to create even one ship.

The task is a labor of love for the craftsmen involved - otherwise these mystic ships in bottles would retail for hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Everyone knows that the peak of Everest is the highest point on earth, but what's the lowest?

02-07-2007, 01:07 AM
My soul.

Next, why are flowers so feminine?

02-07-2007, 05:53 AM
Because God's a sissy.

Why do they call 'studio apartments' studio apartments?

Silver King
02-07-2007, 06:08 AM
Why do they call 'studio apartments' studio apartments?
The Studio Apartment term was invented in SoHo by desperate real estate moguls, where a lack of space and high demand for living quarters induced "artists" to seek out the least affordable homes where they could suffer for their craft in the worst possible way.

What does the phrase, "I think, therefore I am," really mean?

02-07-2007, 06:42 AM
The phrase was first used by Greek Philosopher Playdo in 2007 B.C., when one of his pupils questioned him about whether he was real or just figments of their imagination. Playdo, himself a stand-up comedian of the time, and an actor, stumbled at his answer and he started to stutter: "I think..." (just then four phoenixes flew by) "There! Four..." and finally decided that he was indeed real: "I am." His pupils, however, thought it was a real revelation on their part and wrote down the master's golden words as "I think, therefore I am." In truth, the phrase simply means, "Um, okay, oh look there are four birds -- okay, what is it again? Yes, I am." You can use it to answer any questions:

"Are you a writer?"
"I think, therefore I am."
"Are you a serial killer?"
"I think, therefore I am."
Etc. Etc. Etc.

Now, may I ask, mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of all?

02-07-2007, 08:13 AM
Well as you know, it was a wicked witch or step-mother or queen or something who originally asked this question, and of course, the answer given at that time, was Snow White. In actual fact, Snow White was not the fairest. Nor was she beautiful, sweet-natured and kind to animals. She was really a mean-spirited, selfish, bloodthirsty girl who had a liking for chasing and torturing all the animals in the forest, after which she would kill them and cook them over a fire for her dinner. Just goes to show that you can't trust anything a mirror tells you.

And in answer to your question, the fairest of all, is in fact, me.

Now why do I always get an electric shock when I touch the door handle of my car, especially when I'm wearing my three inch cork platform shoes?

David McAfee
02-07-2007, 10:22 PM
Most new cars today come equipped with an anti theft "shock" system. The car has scanners underneath the door handles that register your DNA. Then, when a finger comes close that the scanner does not recognize, it sends a mild shock to the potential car thief as a warning. The fact that you are getting shocked means you need to take your car in to the dealer to have the system recalibrated, because obvioulsy your DNA must have changed since you bought the car.

OK, so...someone explain to me, please, why the guards at Buckinham palace are not allowed to move.

Ol' Fashioned Girl
02-07-2007, 10:30 PM
That's really a misconception, David. They are allowed to move; they just can't because they're actually statues. Yup. You read me right: The palace guards are really very cunningly fabricated fabrications.

Now, I'm still wondering: where IS Atlantis?

02-07-2007, 10:38 PM
Atlantis is buried in the Phoenix deserts. Scientists have pulled a clever ruse all these years, making everyone believe Atlantis sank into the ocean. In reality, all the world's heat is generated by the "lost city" and this is why it is kept safely hidden away.

What is it that dogs are truly barking at when humans can see nor hear nothing around?

Ol' Fashioned Girl
02-07-2007, 10:46 PM
Same thing that causes cats to look up, staring off into space, no matter that there's any number of ceilings and/or walls separating them from their true target: the Mother Ship. They're trying to communicate... something.

But what are Black Holes? Really?

02-07-2007, 11:00 PM
A black hole is an object predicted by general respectability with a telepathic force so powerful that even paranormal matters (such as ghosts) cannot escape its pull.

A black hole is defined to be a nether region of immense darkness where escape to our minds is impossible. The outer boundary of this region is called the nincompoop. Nothing can move from inside the nincompoop to the outside, even briefly, due to the extreme telepathic force existing within the nether region. For the same reason, observers outside the nincompoop cannot see anything which may be happening within the nincompoop; thus any energy being excreted or strange things happening within the region are forever unable to be seen or detected from outside. Within the black hole is a morality, an strange place where everything is twisted to the degree that the known laws of decency no longer apply to it.

A related question, what is light?

David McAfee
02-08-2007, 12:17 AM
Paper clips are pretty light. As opposed to Steel clips, which are heavy, or lead clips, which are even heavier.

Who said the line "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"

Bonus Question: What was he/she talking about?

02-08-2007, 02:14 AM
A: Back in the days when George Lucas was developing alien characters and strange speech patterns for his Star Wars production, he had envisioned that the leader of the Sky City would be a former land based politician named Senator Kenodi. The statement, pronounced only during preproduction, was to be a ploy to raise taxes to create a new fleet to defend against the Empire's constant intrusions. Fortunately, an A.D. convinced Lucas that Yoda's speech patterns were difficult enough for the masses to understand and an A-Team-like conman was substituted for the Sky City chieftain. Too bad Lucas didn't remember this advise when he created Jar Jar Binx.

B: What is a neutral zone?

Ol' Fashioned Girl
02-08-2007, 06:24 AM
It was the buffer between the old UFP territories and the Klingon Empire.

I desperately need to know, like... right now... how DO you make Greek Fire?

02-08-2007, 09:30 AM
You make Greek Fire by pouring an entire bottle of Ouzo down a large football player's gullet, along with a whole tub of baked beans. When he leans over, you light a match and, whoo-ee! there's Greek fire, baby!

What is the meaning of life?

02-08-2007, 10:26 AM
Main Entry: 1life
Pronunciation: 'lIf
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural lives /'lIvz/
Etymology: Middle English lif, from Old English lIf; akin to Old English libban to live -- more at LIVE
1 a : the quality that distinguishes a vital and functional being from a dead body b : a principle or force that is considered to underlie the distinctive quality of animate beings c : an organismic state characterized by capacity for metabolism, growth, reaction to stimuli, and reproduction

...And that says organismic. Pervs.

How do you know if you have broken your toe, or just stubbed it?

02-08-2007, 01:48 PM
If you've broken it, you'd feel glass inside, kinda like crunch-crunch-crunch every time you move your toe. Your toe will act like a bean bag filled with glass. If you've just stubbed it, it will simply swell up like a potato.

How do women fake it?

02-08-2007, 06:32 PM
Sorry. Trade secret.

And we won't tell you how to know, either! ;) But I can tell you it's handed down from one generation to the next, usually when you think we're out "shopping."

Why are two AWers books on Amazon's Better Together?


02-08-2007, 06:35 PM
Because Ebay's Better Together was full.

Why do the leaves fall off deciduous trees in the winter?

02-08-2007, 09:33 PM
It's a plot by the Pine consortium. Deciduous leaves don't fall off naturally, so pines emit an aerosol contaminant that causes the leaves to wither and die (Pines are immune, naturally, because the surface area of a needle is far smaller than that of a leaf, and thus the dose each individual needle receives is nonlethal). Pines have lost so much ground in new-growth forests lately that they require nefarious deeds and foul play to retain their death-grip monopoly on the Christmas trade.

Why do birds migrate?

David McAfee
02-08-2007, 10:23 PM
Birds don't actually migrate. They fly south, sure, but then they return to the north via a complex system of underground tunnels. Once back in the north they watch football and drink beer until it's time to head south again. They do this so there will be one less thing about nature that humans understand.

If a woodchuck could chuck wood, how much wood would it chuck?

02-08-2007, 10:29 PM
In Timbucktu, the fumes from the onions have an effect on the body's nervous and circulatory systems that keeps it from aging. As such, Joe Shmo is still alive and healthy. You can't be reincarnated from someone that's alive.

What would happen if I reached the place where the sidewalk ends and found the end of the rainbow?

What the heck was I reponding to?!! LOL! :D

02-08-2007, 10:37 PM
Well, you were actually responding to a question posted on an AW in a parallel, simultaneous universe. The worm-hole in the time/space continuum was caused when David McAffee used a tongue-twister - but in written form. That always initializes a temporary worm hole.

Now, where did I leave my glasses?

02-08-2007, 10:41 PM
Latoya -- you were responding to the subliminal messages. Hey Mods, they're working!

Ltd. -- you left them where you always leave them, in the Alternate Universe where we are all hugely successful published authors. Don't ever take them back from there; your glasses are the only thing that can "pull" us over to that AU.

David -- a woodchuck, by reason of size and inclination, can chuck wood upwards of fifty bales an hour. This is why woodchucks are the main physical requirement for all paper processing plants, and why America, which owns the world's majority of woodchucking woodchucks, remains the dominant paper processing power.

What do I do if I've fallen and I can't get up?

02-09-2007, 12:00 AM
No problem. All you have to do is lie (lay) there until the polarity of the magnetic north and south poles complete their current switch. When that happens, make sure you hold your arm up (you're wearing a watch, yes?) and let the force pull you right back up. Now, you'll have to be quick to catch and balance yourself, otherwise you'll simply flop back down on your other side, and have to wait another 6 million or so years for the poles to switch again.

How do they get the peanuts inside peanut M&M's ?

02-09-2007, 12:22 AM
That would be impossible; you're a replicant. Everyone who thinks they remember eating peanut M&M's can not possibly have a bag of these in front of them right now...because they don't exist in real life. It's an implanted memory, just like your supposed childhood. Rent and watch Bladerunner tonight, and you'll know what to do next....

Why is it called "plain old horse sense" if the silly things can't even figure out how to jump a cattle guard?

02-09-2007, 02:33 AM
Plain Old Horse Sense, or POHS as it's called "in the field", was the standard unit of measurement in the late 1600's through the early 1900's to determine if someone had the ability to pee standing up, be led about on a tether, to be controlled by some severe whips and ropes mechanisms, and to be ridden whenever the rider felt like it, all in exchange for a warm stall and the occassional good meal. In other words, POHS was the unit of measurement women used to determine if the man in question was worth marrying or not.

POHS was replaced with Do It Like A Stevedore, or DILAS, in the 1960's.

If it's always fastest the way a crow flies, why don't all our airlines follow crow flying patterns?

02-09-2007, 03:59 AM
because the Crow nation refuses to allow foreign aircraft flying in their airspace.

Why does my husband fart when he guffaws?

02-09-2007, 08:36 AM
Because he's a former Greek Fire Starter.

What happened to all those sheep Little Bo Peep lost?

02-09-2007, 08:59 AM
The sheep followed one another (as sheep do) into a mysterious black hole which transformed them from actual living sheep into the proverbial sheep that you count when you can't sleep. Now they are destined to spend the rest of their days appearing only in the minds of restless insomniacs.

Why are pineapples so called, when they are nothing like apples?

02-09-2007, 09:25 AM
Pineapples were named as such by their native Hawaiian discoverers because they resemble the "apple from the tree of pine" as discussed in Hawaiian mythology. According to the old myths, the Goddess of Fruit knocked into the God of Spiky Trees and their union created the Fruit of the Tree. This was later called the apple from the tree of pine. Hence, when the first Hawaiian hunter stumbled upon a spikey, yellow, rotund thing that bled juice when he cut its head off, the modern pineapple was born.

What's it all about, Alfie?

Silver King
02-09-2007, 09:27 AM
Why are pineapples so called, when they are nothing like apples?
Plant life have feelings, hence the term, pine.

I bought a fishing lure today. These were the instructions. Should I follow them?

1) Tie lure onto line

2) Cast

3) Retrieve slowly

4) Remove fish

5) Cast again

Silver King
02-09-2007, 09:32 AM
Sorry, Jeanne. I should've checked before I started doing whatever it is I do.

02-09-2007, 09:53 AM
Sorry, Jeanne. I should've checked before I started doing whatever it is I do.
LOL! No worries, Your Highness, royalty are allowed to make mistakes and call them royal decrees. ;)

Oh, and I wouldn't follow those fishing instructions. Not if I wanted to survive the encounter, that is! Don't you know that the average fishing lure is what both great white sharks AND loch ness monsters LIVE to eat? Stay away from the water, Sire!

But, still...what IS it all about, Alfie? (May I call you Alfie?)

Ol' Fashioned Girl
02-10-2007, 06:34 AM
No, you may not call me 'Alfie', no matter what it's about... pursuant to which I offer the following: it's about 8:33, CDT.

How high is up?

02-10-2007, 06:59 AM
Up is .003 centimeters anywhere above where you are at the time. The measurement was determined scientifically - anything less than .003 centimeters is mathematically "beside" rather than officially "up above."

I need a plot. How do I decide what should happen in my novel?


02-10-2007, 07:48 AM
I need a plot. How do I decide what should happen in my novel?

To develop a plot, you need plotters. Good sources might be an underground resistance in an occupied country, government agents with knowledge of UFOs, or fast-food mavens intent on replacing food with chemicals one ingredient at a time.

Why does all the honey settle at the bottom of my tea, despite any amount of stirring?

02-10-2007, 08:09 AM
It's actually the stirring that causes the honey to settle at the bottom. You see, within the bee colony, there are certain bees, called antigravitators, and when they make honey, they emit what's called an antigravitity, into the honey. When you add the honey to your tea, the stirring has the effect of stimulating the antigravitity globules in the honey, and this instantly makes it sink to the bottom of your cup.

Why is a dark room always darkest when you first turn out the light, and then it seems to get progressively lighter?

02-10-2007, 08:44 AM
Boy, if we keep revealing all of Homeland Security's secrets, they may start watching this board more closely! It's a feedback system. The lights don't ever really shut all the way off so that the guys monitoring the microprocessor implants get a signal from the lightswitch receivers. You're not supposed to notice the increasing light, though. You're supposed to be too busy with all the things they fill your mind with--work, school, editors, word counts--to notice a detail like that.

Why does chewing gum become tougher to chew the longer you chew it? Everything else breaks down eventually.

02-10-2007, 09:10 AM
Chewing gum gets tougher to chew because your jaws get tired after a while. Also, you get bored with the taste and start to think that you've been chewing it for hours.

Unless you're a cow. They can chew things for one hell of a long time and feel quite happy about it. Of course, cows aren't the party animals that wolves are.

Wolves don't spend a lot of time chewing on things, unless it's a fairly tasty deer leg.

And the motto is: Don't chew gum. It makes you look like a cow and what kind of a party animal would be interested in you, my deer?

My question is: Why do cats always sit on the newpaper, no matter what the headline is?

02-11-2007, 03:30 PM
Because they're always licking their butts and always needing buttwipes. Only cats know what real news is for.

Why do train whistles get louder when approaching, softer when receding?

Ol' Fashioned Girl
02-12-2007, 04:39 PM
I'm glad you asked! Almost every male in my father's generation and on my father's side of the family was a railroad man, so I know the answer to this question. My dad's oldest brother was, in fact, an engineer - he was the one who got to blow that whistle.

Basically, all engineers are tested for their sense of humor. You have to have a good sense of humor - as well as excellent reflexes, a sensitive touch and above-average eye sight. You have to spot people on the side of the tracks from far enough away that you can start to blow that whistle softly, then slightly louder... louder... louder still as you pass right next to them... then more softly... softer... softest of all as your train disappears down the tracks. It's a blast - if you're an engineer. Otherwise, I guess you just had to be there.

To be? Or not to be? That is the question.

David McAfee
02-12-2007, 10:39 PM
To Be?

That would be a yes. All things must be, even things that do not exist. Therefore the answer to this question is yes.

Or not to be?

The answer to this question is also yes, because in a universe where existence is based on perception, and perception is based on assumtion, then to Not Be is the standard upon which all things rest until they are called into existence by someone who percieves such. Therefore the answer to this question is also yes.

That is the question.

That is not a question, but the answer is also yes. I dunno why, but it is.

Why does gravity pull people down instead of levitating them up?

02-13-2007, 02:09 AM
Well technically, gravity doesn't pull us down. In fact, gravity isn't pulling anything as it does not originate with the Earth we're standing on. Gravity actually pushes us down, from above. It's a basic function of space to want all humans to remain ON this planet, and not venture off. Sadly, mankind has found ways to push through that force and get out into space - but when the astronaughts hit their heads on the ceiling going around the moon, they realized not only what gravity really was, but also that -- while the earth is round -- space is not.

All space travel is now filmed on a sound stage in Vancouver BC.

What I'd like to know is; How can a battery die if it was never "alive" as we know it?

Ol' Fashioned Girl
02-13-2007, 06:51 AM
Well, you see, it's like this... and it all hearkens back to what used to be known as 'The Divine Spark'. All life must have an electrical charge to both initiate and sustain it or it's not life. Therefore, all things with electrical sparks - whether they be batteries, staticky hair and/or nylon slips, atoms, generators, what-have-you - are alive.

The kicker in your question is 'as we know it'. Leaves a loophole the size of the Great Barrier Reef for us to drive through.

Much more central to the debate, however: what is the height of stupidity?

Silver King
02-13-2007, 07:00 AM
what is the height of stupidity?
I've been informed by reliable sources comprising of a good portion of the scientific community that estimates the height of stupidity extends precisely to the top of my head.

Where have all the flowers gone?

02-13-2007, 09:50 PM
The mothership came last week - didn't you get the memo? It was really something to see, all those roses, daisies, mums - even the weeds packed up and left. All but the pansies. We still have the pansies. The captain of their mothership was too nervous about flying all this way.

I'd like to know why a paperclip is shaped the way it is.

Ol' Fashioned Girl
02-14-2007, 02:49 AM
I need some clarification, MM, before I can answer. Which one (http://www.life.umd.edu/labs/delwiche/bsci348s/misc/Paperclips.jpg)?

02-14-2007, 02:53 AM

Ol' Fashioned Girl
02-14-2007, 03:15 AM
Oh, thank goodness! I thought you were going to make it difficult or something. You're wanting to know why a plain ol' vanilla paperclip is shaped the way it is? Well, to tell you the truth, it's all part of the CCSP (Corporate Coding System Protocol). You must never haved worked as an executive secretary. Documents are prioritized according to the shape - and size, as well as color - of their clips. In the illustration, C is a fairly common, run-of-the-mill, non-threatening missive that usually informs the recipient of every-day info. IE: there's a Pot Luck on Friday at Noon in the Conference Room on the 3rd Floor; Paula will be on vacation next week. Ginger will be filling in; Carl's Retirement Party is scheduled for Saturday evening, 8PM, at Hooter's. That sort of thing.

Paperclip T, on the other hand, is reserved for documents of the utmost importance. An example of this kind of communication would be: You're Fired. The clip would attach your final check to the document.

And if you, as an executive secretary, were to have to distribute a document secured with the clip at the X position, it's time to order supplies. If you received one, it's time to lobby for the termination of the sender.

The circular one, looks like it may be designated with a '1', is reserved for the executives themselves. Some of them like to think they make them special or give them special powers.

The burning issue is, however, where do we go from here?

02-14-2007, 03:39 AM
Ah, easy one! "Where do we go from here?" is dialogue used near the end of lengthy, high-brow works of fiction when the writer has no idea how he/she should end it and decides to leave everyone hanging. So, the answer: we go to our own imaginations, or to get a tuna on rye, or throw in a load of laundry, etc.

What's the price of tea in China?

02-14-2007, 04:28 AM
The cost of tea in China is a Yin & Yang. Whisper your request in the person’s ear and you will receive a nod as a response. When they turn away, yell Yin and hide under the counter until your order is ready, they will shout Yang.

What causes your knuckles to crack?

02-14-2007, 11:02 AM
Agent Orange causes all knuckle cracking. The government's been slipping it into the drinking water for the past 5 decades. Soon, every joint we have will crack; we'll sound like little symphonies as we move, albeit sort of gross ones. But this "music" will attract the helpful aliens who will show us "the way", and possibly give us a death ray to use on other lands we don't like, so the government is quite looking forward to when everyone cracks all the time. Which is scheduled for next Tuesday, barring rain.

Would a rose, by any other name, truly smell as sweet?

Ol' Fashioned Girl
02-14-2007, 04:25 PM
Of course not! A rose by any other name might be 'crap' or 'poop' or 'smegma' (and if you look that up, you're gonna wish you hadn't). It might be 'snot' or 'limburger' or 'flatus'. No... 'rose' shouldn't be named any other name. As it is, the worst that can happen to it is getting confused with a light pink wine.

But just who was 'Mona Lisa', any way?

02-14-2007, 06:08 PM
Mona Lisa was my great aunt's second cousin (by marriage). She had a habit of cleaning her teeth with the thread she then sewed with. I have an heirloom quilt right here on my lap that she made!

But what I want to know is did they ever discover where waldo really was?

02-15-2007, 01:54 AM
Waldo was both everywhere and nowhere. Turns out that Waldo was the government code for "air". Something to do with pollution and counter-terrorism stuff. The funding to "find Waldo" was cut off in 2005, which is why you don't see him/it around any more. But there is still air. For now.

Is a penny earned truly a penny saved?

02-15-2007, 01:59 AM
In factoring in the exchange rate of Canadian currency against the Euro, the fair market value of a Penny Earned is -.245 cents. According to US Stock Market research, the value of a Penny Saved is roughly Shark Fin Soup.

Further research is required, however the accepted working theory is: Buy More Lotto Tickets.

What I need to know is; Who invented the QWERY keyboard?

02-15-2007, 02:08 AM
The QWERY Keyboard was created by Dr. Samuel QWERY in 1922. It came into widespread use in 1934, but the advent of WWII caused it to fall out of favor because both the Axis and the Allies had QWERY keyboards and so couldn't hide messages from each other very well. It came back into favor in 1962, but again was tossed aside, because Timothy Leary said that QWERY wasn't cool and wouldn't drop acid.

Interesting side note -- Dr. QWERY's name appears in all caps because his ancestors were so excitable that the magistrate chose to spell their names this way to warn others that they were in the presence of hyperly-active individuals.

What is the Crocodile Rock, exactly, and how do you "do" it?

Silver King
02-15-2007, 02:51 AM
What is the Crocodile Rock, exactly, and how do you "do" it?
The dance was perfected by Elton John and consists mainly of prancing on stage wearing gaudy glasses while a live crocodile continually snaps at your backside. If you stop moving and the croc gets you, as the man says, "I never knew me a better time, and I guess I never will..."

While we're on the topic of music, who wrote the book of love?

02-15-2007, 04:18 AM
While we're on the topic of music, who wrote the book of love?I did using an outrageous name to avoid being tracked. My friends and family asked for love advice, so I wrote out my responses and published the book.

Why doesn’t Earth have a ring around it like Saturn?

Silver King
02-15-2007, 04:49 AM
Why doesn’t Earth have a ring around it like Saturn?
Each time the Space Shuttle is launched, a huge payload of Tidy Bowl is on board. The cleanser is released while the space craft orbits the earth to clean the unsightly stain. A mission to Saturn was announced recently to dissolve its ring using the same method.

If the universe is forever expanding, what happens when it runs out of room?

02-15-2007, 05:42 AM
Actually, the universe will eventually round back on itself until it all collides into one mass until it becomes too condensed, which will result in another big bang.

Why do Americans drive on the opposite side of the road as the English?

02-15-2007, 08:10 AM
Americans drive on the opposite side of the road from the Brits because all British cars are made backwards. This stems from one engineer, a dyslexic, who traced the plans the way he saw them -- backwards -- and this started a trend that continues to this day. British roads are built from the end to the start, as well as on the wrong side. They also tried this with building construction, with rather limited success.

Why are operatic sopranos pictured as overweight in cartoons?

02-16-2007, 05:03 AM
Operatic sopranos are pictured as heavy in cartoons because in reality, all sopranos are skinny little twigs. However, the Operatic Standards Society deemed in 1687 that all sopranos, regardless of sex, MUST be heavy. Anyone either being or depicting a soprano who was not heavy was immediately executed by someone playing Wagner 24/7. Most died within hours. The OSS has relaxed its rules a bit, but most cartoonists don't make enough money to handle the lawsuits, so they continue to show sopranos as heavy.

Why do fools fall in love?

02-16-2007, 05:06 AM
Fools fall in love because its a trickery of the mind. As neuro-chemicals that fuel the brains built in reward system triggers, the brain releases dopamine using the desire for sex. Serotonin levels plumet, creating that 'cant live with you' feeling. The attachment chemicals also kick in at this stage, and you either go with it, or disregard it. It's more of an illusion, than anything. Love is only an emotion and the 'in love' experience temporarily meets that need. In other words, it's an an emotional obsession and it's fiction rather than fact. Falling 'in love' is not an act of the will or a conscious choice, it is not real love neither because, its effortless and the 'in love' experience does not focus on our own growth and the growth and development of the other person involved. So, thats all the reasons why, and its easy to fall 'in love' with someone so quickly, as falling 'out of love' and re-continuing the cycle of addictiviness.

There you go, my own interpretation

Where do the words that we talk, come from?

02-16-2007, 05:18 AM
The words we "talk" come from the great Speechometer, circa 1582. Created by Benzaclear Monks, it formulated all the words necessary and put them out into the world. All new words, such as "SexyBack" or "Dawg" come from the Speechometer. It's location is, sadly, a well-guarded secret.

If I think, does that mean I am?

02-16-2007, 09:28 PM
Technically, if you THINK, it doesn't mean that you "am" but rather that you "are woman." It's a common misconception attributed to the quote: "Behind every great man, is a woman doing his work, cleaning his house, paying his bills, washing his laundry, cooking his food, walking his dog, keeping him happy. I think I need a woman."

Through the years, it was shortened to: I think (therefore I need a woman) and I am (going to go get me one).

As you can see, it's been bastardized to merely: I think, therefore I am.

What I need to know is - Why do tires have air inside, instead of being solid rubber?

02-17-2007, 04:31 AM
Tires actually don't have air inside them, either. They are hollow, because that's where the squirrels, who actually power your car by running on many little wheels that are hidden in the engine block, sleep when you're not driving. The squirrels make the car go so fast that it's propelled without ever actually touching the ground. The tires just make it LOOK like it's touching the ground. So, be careful of how you dispose of an old tire, because your car-squirrel could be asleep in it.

But, I need to know -- who said "to be or not to be" and what was he talking about?

Ol' Fashioned Girl
02-17-2007, 07:39 PM
Jeanne, this ties in with MidnightMuse's explanation for 'I think, therefore I am.'.

Consensus believes 'To be or not to be' relates to contemplation of suicide but those 'in the know' know it's truly the soul searching every young woman must go through before deciding to actually BE a woman and take on all the rights, privileges and responsibilities appertaining thereto. Shakespeare's mother related her personal coming of age story to her son and was himself pondering the question when he was inspired to write it into 'Hamlet' - only he switched the gender of the speaker, dropped the references to being a woman and ended up with one of the most well-known soliloquies in literature.

But what's the story behind those Nazca Lines?

02-20-2007, 01:15 AM
The Nazca Lines relate to ancient Mayan and Incan myths. Nazca was the Goddess of Power and Fertility for both races. Nazca Lines are what some today call "The Happy Trail"...the line of fur that leads from a man's stomach to his groinal regions.

But, why is the mascot for happiness a bluebird, and how do you know you've spotted the right one?

David McAfee
02-21-2007, 01:44 AM
Actually, that's a trick question. The official UN mascot for happiness is in reality the spotted pygmy hyena. These 5 inch canids are so happy they frequently die of overexcitment before the reach the mating age. It's a sad, sad thing to see.

How do you know if you've spotted the right one? The truth is, you are very unlikely to spot a pygmy hyena. The little guys are masters at camoflage. Even more amazing is they're incredibly prolific and can be found just about anywhere. In fact, odds are good there's a tiny spotted pygmy hyena hiding under your desk right now, living off the crumbs you drop when you raid your snack drawer.

So....does the light REALLY go go out when you close the refrigerator door?

02-21-2007, 04:58 AM
Not only does the light NOT go go out, but while the door is closed - those sounds they told you were the ice maker - are really being made by your dethawed chicken cutlets doing the go go. Sometimes the mayo plays Karaoke, other times the sliced cheese plays "bull ring" with the pickles. It's a party in there, and you're not invited.

What I'd like to know is - what's the best F-stop for outdoor landscape photography?

02-22-2007, 07:54 AM
The best F-stop for outdoor photography is always 250. For indoor it's 500. For while you're in a moving vehicle it's 1000.

But, if you're using a digital phone, then you have to hit the * and # keys at the same time, then hit your F-stop of choice on the keypad, and THEN snap your shot. But it'll come out as good as any 34mm that way.

But, I need to know -- why do I, personally, get so much spam email?

Ol' Fashioned Girl
02-24-2007, 03:15 AM
JeanneTGC, I'm SO sorry no one's answered your question! I read it day-before-yesterday and thought surely someone would beat me to the keyboard.

The reason you get so much spam email is the proliferation of 'progressive email parties' where Spam is served! Believe it or not, here in grassroots America, Spam parties are all the rage! Didn't anyone tell you how to play? You start at one house, forward all the Spam and then at that house, your spam is added to their Spam and both piles are forwarded to the next house, etc., etc., etc., ad infinitum - until there it is in JeanneTGC's box! The results of an exponential progression!

What you have to do now is bundle it all up and forward it to utc@ftc.gov... where they'll handle it once and for all.

Yeah. Right. Okay... next question:

What the heck is String Theory?

02-24-2007, 03:20 AM
Oh heck, String Theory is an easy one! Simply put: It's a measurement of the amount of needed force - or 'pull' - applied to one single string that will accomplish the complete unravelling of one's sweater. This varies, of course, based on sweater size, yarn thickness, the extent to which said string is already protruding from normal space/time, etc.

It's all very scientific. Very complicated. Very Cosmic.

What I wanna know is . . . Where DO babies come from?

02-24-2007, 03:47 AM
Babies come from the Baby Planet, located to the west of the North Star. It's in the same solar system that provides the Dog Planet, the Cat Planet, the Horse Planet, the Small Furred Beasts Planet, the Reptiles & Amphibian Planet, the Bird Planet, and the Planet That Covers Everything Else Odd.

Storks, which are capable of space travel and always have been (denizens of the Bird Planet are good that way), have been bringing babies to Earth for millenia, due to the massive overpopulation of the Baby Planet.

But, what I need to know is, why does Uncle Sam want ME?

02-24-2007, 04:00 AM
Same reason he wants MI: because MO and MS are too far south. It's a security thing. Gotta keep that northern border under control.

Why does my hair frizz only on the sides, but looks great underneath?

02-24-2007, 04:08 AM
Unbeknownst to you, your hair dresser is actually a part of the underground Frizz Alliance. They work to ensure that all hair frizzes on a daily basis. Their numbers are legion, their methods shrouded in secrecy. They're more tied in than the Masons. Just wait...the back of your hair is going to start frizzing, too, unless you change salons as fast as possible. But then again, they're everywhere, so you could just change from one Frizz Alliance member to another. It's a scary, frizzy world out there.

But I wonder, why do things go better with Coke?

02-24-2007, 10:44 AM
Things go better with coke because the substance generally gets you so hammered you have no idea what would actually go better with much of anything---

Wait a minute. You mean Coke?

Oooo-kay then. Heh, heh. *eep*

Things go better with Coke because after it has rotted out your taste buds, you still don't know what goes with what.

Why do cars that won't start in the winter make that horrid little ree-er-ree-er-re-e-e-e-ee-eer sound?

Ol' Fashioned Girl
02-24-2007, 05:38 PM
To you, endless, that 'horrid little ree-er-ree-er-re-e-e-e-ee-eer sound' is just a mechanical response to your sticking your key in the ignition and turning it in a futile attempt to start your car... a car that, by the way, has already determined it is not going to do as you desire.

That sound you hear is really the sound of auto laughter.

But what is the End of the World and how do we know it hasn't already happened?

02-26-2007, 06:35 AM
Technically, it has happened. You see, the "world" is actually round, therefore whenever someone comes to the "end" of it, they're really just starting back up the other side. So once every 12 hours we technically come to "the end" of the world, and then start coming back up the other side. Now, if we were to ever change direction, and try to find the "left" or "right" of the world, then and only then would we truly come to an "end". Mostly we'd all just get so dizzy, we'd fall right off.

What I'd like to have explained is - why is there no truely BLUE food?

02-26-2007, 06:56 AM
Because blue food tends to turn our whole mouths blue. Ever eat blueberries, blackberries, or the blue popcicles? Very few women wear blue lipstick as this not on a top 10 list of favorite lip colors.

What I want to know is - What causes the moon to change shapes?

03-01-2007, 08:45 AM
For starters, it's not the moon; it's a different one every month. (Haven't you ever heard of a "new moon"?) A giant invisible space amoeba slowly absorbs each moon, then just as slowly excretes it. Passing space dust clings to the excreted matter, creating a new moon for the amoeba to eat.


I've heard homogenized milk is bad for you. Why would that be?

03-01-2007, 08:59 AM
Because it has the potential for contamination by genies otherwise without a home. (You can see how the description has been corrupted into a quick-and-easy word; it's a quirk of the English language.) Genies not bound by any covenant of wishes or commands can cause awful mischief, especially if accidentally ingested when they were only trying to rest up a bit in a handy bottle. (This is also why one should never drink milk directly from the bottle. Never know what might be in there!)

Why do dust bunnies always look vaguely blue?

03-01-2007, 07:59 PM
Because the color of dust, when looked closely is the color of sky blue, thus the color of dust bunnies.

Why do astronauts and rich people get to travel in space and ordinary people do not?

03-01-2007, 08:16 PM
It's the "Tom Sawyer/Br'er Rabbit" solution: Please, please don't leave us on Earth...on safe, warm, spacious earth! Take me! I'm an egocentric type A personality who should be sent to a dangerous environment, too!!!"

Why is there only frost on the windshield when we are running late for work?

03-01-2007, 08:22 PM
Minor disruptions in the fabric of space-time are what cause you to run late. Frost is a harmless residue of these disruptions. Major disruptions cause global warming. There is no paradox.

What's with those itty-bitty holes on old pencil sharpeners? Did there used to be pencils that small?

03-01-2007, 08:27 PM
Quills. That's the "feather hole," mentioned in Little House on the Prairie, Jefferson--the Writer Block years, and countless others.

Why do the bugs head for the light?

03-02-2007, 01:13 AM
Bugs head for light because their eyes have complex light receptors linked directly to the pleasure center of their brains. Their nervous systems mistake the light for a signal from the opposite sex indicating that it's time to mate.

How did the missionary position evolve?

03-02-2007, 02:16 AM
In the garden of Eden before they ate the fruit they could look at each other when they made love. Then they ate the fruit and had to come up with a look out position called Doggy style. Which is why one of their son's was naughty.

Why is it called a fly, why not a buzz?

03-02-2007, 02:45 AM
Mostly because it makes more of a 'zipping' noise when pulled up or down, not a 'buzz.' Studies have shown the word Buzz is too asthetically related to the notion of shaving very closely, and that isn't a term people are comfortable with when refering to their flys.

Why aren't snowflakes all alike?

03-02-2007, 07:39 AM
They haven't bought into this capitalist, consumerist culture of ours, man. They're just following their natures. Someday, when society has further evolved, there will even be five-sided snowflakes.

The greatest baseball player of all time was a woman? Tell me more.

03-02-2007, 12:05 PM
Eugenia II developed baseball in order to exercise and admire her hand-picked body guards. She has long been regarded as the "Mother of Baseball" because of her skill at both playing and teaching the game.

The original fans were almost entirely women and games were used to provide women with much needed respite from their cloistered lives. Uniforms were originally loin cloths but the costume quickly fell out of favor due to injuries attributed to sliding into home base. Prior to Eugenia II's involvement in the development of the game, brooms were used instead of bats. Balls, however, were not that different than modern baseballs; Eugenia hand-made the original baseballs; a tightly wound ball of string wrapped in leather.

She continued to enjoy her private games well into her 80's but here interest in the game fell off as it became more and more male dominated.


What is tapioca; where does it come from; what is the best way to make tapioca pudding so that the little "balls" disappear leaving only the pudding?

kct webber
03-02-2007, 04:29 PM
Tapioca is recycled, sterilized, ground-up remenants of all that nasty candy corn we didn't eat last year. The best way to make the pudding without the little 'balls', is to feed it to a meerkat and wait 3 hours for the pudding to make its way thought its digestive system. Then you can happily consume it 'ball' free.

How do you know when yogert (sp?) has gone bad?

03-02-2007, 10:49 PM
Yogurt is made "bad". What you need to know is when yogurt goes "good". That's 3 weeks after the listed expiration date on the carton. Enjoy!

But, I need to know, why are some people allergic to cats and why do we allow those people to stay on the planet?

03-02-2007, 10:56 PM
Cats need a never-ending supply of amusement, and nothing amuses them more than determining which person in the room would most like to avoid them. And heading straight for that person. It didn't start as amusement, though....it started as a rather grotesque form of pollinization when cats were still evolving from tiger lilys and the other feline plants. Best not to get into that sticky description, though.

What I want to know is, why does 'haste make waste?'

03-02-2007, 11:05 PM
Haste makes waste out of spite for his brother, Irv, who is always coming up with something useful.

Why do hours at my desk make my shoulders hurt?

03-02-2007, 11:20 PM
Gravity. When you're standing or sitting (without the desk), nothing is pulling your shoulders forward, just down or back, the way us lazy humans like things. With the unnatural, unevolved addition of a desk, and its change of the local gravitational pull on your shoulders, you are pulled into a bleak, unpleasureable world. Called the "World Of Repressive Kinnetics" or WORK, for short. Those bad desks!

How is a penny saved, a penny earned though?

03-03-2007, 06:27 AM
This saying is usually misunderstood. "Saving" (in the sense of "keeping") a penny already earned does not re-earn it.

But "saving" (in the sense of "rescuing") a penny from unfortunate treatment (such as being left in the street for the cars to run over, abandoned in the "change return" slot of a vending machine, glued to things by schoolchildren, or left to a life of idleness in your one-night-stand's china kangaroo) does entitle you to posess that penny, hence a penny rescued is indeed a penny earned.

Why do all children possess an innate desire to own restaurants?

Silver King
03-03-2007, 07:47 AM
Why do all children possess an innate desire to own restaurants?
Like adults who have never owned one, they feel it would be an easy way to make a living; and their friends could come over and enjoy the heat and aromas and the food; and of course the business would run itself. And don't forget prom dinner could be served right here in our very own restaurant!

Oh, wait. What's mom doing in the kitchen?

Why do the predictions of Nastrodamus seem to embrace every major historical event, whether real or imagined?

03-03-2007, 07:52 AM
Because Nostradamus believed that he molded the future in his bare, brawny hands. No one knew that it was the 'roids talking.

Why do men think that their bodily emissions are verifiable accomplishments?

Silver King
03-03-2007, 08:11 AM
Why do men think that their bodily emissions are verifiable accomplishments?
The emissions are a closely guarded and secretly enjoyed discharge to attract the opposite sex. It works, too, much the same as hunters use duck calls to bring in the flock.

Why must we die?

03-03-2007, 08:48 AM
Death is the only way we can legally escape paying our taxes. Each year death looks more attractive than writing a fat check to the IRS.

Where do all our birthday candle wishes go?

Silver King
03-03-2007, 09:08 AM
Where do all our birthday candle wishes go?
The wishes go to an ephemeral site where they're stored until you need them most. As the wishes grow stronger, and your needs rise, the candles burn stronger and the intense heat melts the resistance to be unsatisfied.

What am I doing here?

03-05-2007, 06:14 AM
You are here to contribute meaningfully to the community and culture which you belong to, but mostly to keep us amused. Do you juggle? Can you wiggle your ears? Belch the ABCs?

Is my future written in the stars?

Silver King
03-05-2007, 06:26 AM
(Phew. For a while there, I thought I had killed this thread.)

Is my future written in the stars?
Not only is your future written, but it's engraved permanently across the cosmos, the beginning, middle and end of your life imbedded in every atom that has ever existed since the Big Bang, whose theory, in fact, was named for the coming of your birth.

Why do fools fall in love?

03-05-2007, 08:47 AM
Contrary to popular folklore, fools do not actually fall in love. Fools, identified as a powerful sub-culture in the early 1980's by anthropologists in the US and Europe and characterized by the wearing of Jordache jeans and feathered hair, were known to stare intently into each others eyes but only so they could check the state of their hair and/or lip gloss in the reflection.

Is Michael Jackson really Diana Ross?

03-05-2007, 09:14 AM
Despite news reports of Michael Jackson's cosmetic surgery, together with the fact that he sings in rather a high voice, he is not in fact, Diana Ross. Michael Jackson is Barbie. It all makes sense, really. They both wear huge amounts of make up. They both have enough money to wear the latest fashions, and most convincingly of all, you never ever see them together at the same time. I believe they also share the same record label. Co-incidence? I think not!

Why do children love to lick the spoon and the bowl of the uncooked cake mix more than the actual cake?

03-05-2007, 09:30 AM
Like attracts like. Both children and uncooked cake batter are new, undeveloped, not in their final form. They have not suffered. They have not become hard. They have not had the sweetness burned out of them.

Besides, you have to wait for the cake. The batter is there right now!


Why is it that some people say "soda" and others say "pop"?

03-05-2007, 10:51 PM
It's something that dates back to the great Soda-Pop War of 1812, when what started as a minor dispute over ice cubes vs. crushed ice escalated into bottle-throwing and then into full-out war. It was finally declared a draw then the two battleships, the Popater and athe Sodamac battled for three days in the Potomic River. neither one could sink the other and they couldn't wait around for the other to biodegrade (you know how plastic is) so they finally just called it a draw, but the battlescars still remain to this day, which is why some people call it soda and some still say pop...

Okay, now what that's settled :), what exactly IS the difference between a hot dog, a wiener and a frankfurter?

Silver King
03-06-2007, 12:17 AM
Okay, now what that's settled :), what exactly IS the difference between a hot dog, a wiener and a frankfurter?
Frankfurter is a city in Germany. Weiner is a reference to the male's sexual organ. And hot dog is the nickname for Dachshunds.

Why do unattractive men who are wealthy always seem to enjoy the company of the most beautiful women?

03-08-2007, 01:48 AM
The seemingly beautiful women are really lethal doses of karma held together by Chanel and Prada. Next time you see an unattractive wealthy man with a gorgeous woman, give him the heads up so that he may save himself before she unleashes her fortune removing poison and pray that you never end up like him. Just to be on the safe side, avoid any gorgeous women you encounter. Lyle Lovett got away just in the nick of time.

Why can't I have my cake and eat it too?

Ol' Fashioned Girl
03-08-2007, 01:53 AM
Actually, that's a misconception, screenmom. You CAN have your cake and eat it, too. Stay with me here... someone hands you a piece of cake. You 'have' it, but you haven't 'eaten' it. Not yet. So... you have the cake; you take a bite. You take another bite. You take another and another until the cake that was on your plate is in your tummy. Voila'! You 'have' it (in your tummy) and yet you've eaten it, too! See?

Why can't I kiss my own elbow? And if I do, will I turn into a boy?

03-08-2007, 02:07 AM
Well, technically you could kiss your own elbow - though it requires some yoga, a warp in the space-time continium, some pasta and really good lipgloss. It's doubtful you'd turn into a boy, unless you're spinning around in that space-time continium without watching where you're going.

What I'd like to know is - If Atlas is holding up the world, what's holding up Atlas?

03-10-2007, 11:42 AM
What I'd like to know is - If Atlas is holding up the world, what's holding up Atlas?

Don't you know Atlas' mommy Annatlas is holding him up. That's what mommies do.

Why do kindergartener's not understand the hallway at school is supose to be QUIET?

(ok so it's 12:43 am and I work with kindergarteners.)

03-10-2007, 04:56 PM
It's because kindergartner's haven't yet learned words starting with "q". They start with "a" and work their way up. So "q" is a long way away. They don't learn about "q" words until they're about 8 years old. Therefore, they have absolutely no understanding of the word "quiet". I should know. I have a kindergartner and a school child.

Why do you need so much water the day after you've had so much alcohol?

03-11-2007, 08:43 AM
Poetic justice. Your kidneys, being the thinking part of peoples' bodies (hah! Most think that the brain does the thinking, but just try to ponder something when you've gotta pee) don't appreciate the extra work all that guzzling has caused. So they make you drink tons of water to get back at you.

All this rushing about helps your headache and also puts you in the right place for barfing. It really does take kidneys!

Why is sticky tape so sticky?

03-11-2007, 11:07 AM
It's an illusion. Sticky tape is, in reality, not sticky at all. The tape itself, however, attracts sticky molecules, which bond to the tape and therefore create the "stick", and the illusion that the tape is the sticky thing, as opposed to the attractor of the stick.

But, I'm wondering, when time flies, where, exactly, does it go?

03-12-2007, 05:44 AM
Time flies into people’s mouths when they yawn and since we inhale time, we age to a ripe old age. Time also flies into pants pockets and that is why some men need Viagra.

Why do people watch the cars coming at them when they walk against the light?

03-12-2007, 08:12 PM
These against-the-light walkers are all members an elite group of people that have taken the "dare" portion of an international, ultra-secret Truth or Dare game. The game is administered and policed by the US government, who is always happy to waste time and money in copious amounts.

Why does the person sitting behind me on an airplane or at the movies always kick the back of my seat?

03-12-2007, 08:27 PM
He's being thoughtful, to ensure that you don't miss the best part of "Hot Shots Part XVIII" or "Rocky Meets the Social Security Administration."

Why is it that when they say "fun for the whole family" they mean "...except Dad..." ???

03-13-2007, 12:22 AM
As of FTC rule 23.764 ¶65 §92:

"Dad has ceased to exist as a sentient entity and serves no other function than that of breadwinner, beer-drinker and football-watcher. Father's are incapable of the intricacies of Yahtzee!, Jenga and Trivial Pursuit (exception: Trivial Pursuit: Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition Edition)."

So, it's the law.

Does pushing the button more than once really make the elevator arrive sooner?

03-13-2007, 09:29 PM
Actually it has the reverse affect. You see, there are little gnome-like beings who run the elevators from inside the mechanisms. When you push the button one time, they put you on "the list" of floors to eventually get around to. However, if you push the button more than once, a red flag goes up - and we all know elevator gnome-like beings HATE the color red only slightly more than they hate flags. They see those red things flip up and suddenly pounce on them, chewing those flags into little bits and putting your floor on "the list" of floors to avoid at all costs for as long as possible.

If you push the buttons over and over again, rapidly, the indicator of your floor is completely removed from "the list" and the elevator itself, making it physically impossible for the car to stop on your floor.

So can someone explain to me exactly how or why The Grass Is Always Greener somewhere else?

03-14-2007, 02:45 AM
it really isn't greener, but when you move, your optic nerves capture less light, creating the illusion that the grass is greener. easy.

why does life hate me?

:D alice.

03-15-2007, 06:22 AM
Life doesn’t hate you it’s the little devil on your left shoulder pointing you in the wrong direction. Turn your head to the left and blow real hard that should rid the bugger of hateful comments.

When people go to wakes why do they comment on the appearance of the dead?

03-15-2007, 06:49 AM
People comment admiringly on the appearance of the dead at wakes because now that the deceased person has left their corporeal body behind, they might be anywhere in the room, taking notes on who says nice things and who says not nice things. These notes are usually left within Santa's easy reach. Beware.

Is love really blind?

03-15-2007, 11:09 PM
No, love isn't blind. It just closes they eyes of the beholder long enough to get people entangled in various stages of economical dependancy, so that separation becomes harder than staying together, thus furthering the global economics.

Is it really true that the ozone hole is widening?

03-16-2007, 09:52 AM
Dilating, to be more precise. Our atmosphere is in labor. Its child? Apocalypse.

The person below me How could I have confused two threads that have no particular connection?

03-24-2007, 07:00 AM
Confusion is a inherited gene.

How come no ones actually slipped on a banana peel in real life?

03-24-2007, 07:07 AM
Because banana peels aren't really slippery, as evidenced by the permanent stains if they touch your clothes. They're actually an ingredient in Superglue. Cartoons only show them as slippery because they're funny-looking.

Who enforces Murphy's Law?

03-24-2007, 09:09 PM
Mother-in-laws everywhere are the enforcers. Don't piss them off...EVER!

Is the tooth fairy male or female?

Ol' Fashioned Girl
03-25-2007, 08:07 PM
The tooth fairy isn't really a fairy, at all. It's a consortium. Therefore, there are tooth fairies of all genders, shapes, sizes, races, religious, political, and sexual persuasions.

Here's a question I get asked every time I see my grand-niece, and I never have the answer:


03-25-2007, 08:13 PM
Oh oh oh

All my philosophy courses in college have prepared me to answer this very question!

the answer is...Why not?

(Honestly, I got an A on the final for that answer. It's a good one, I use it often along with "Because I said so.")

Is there a simple way to balance my checkbook?

Ol' Fashioned Girl
03-27-2007, 04:04 AM
Your checkbook can be easily balanced by finding the center of its gravity and placing the checkbook on a surface that will support that center.

Or, you can do as I do and just not balance it. The checkbook itself doesn't care one way or the other.

No matter how many socks you put in a dryer, that number minus one or more is all that will come out. Where do the missing socks go?

03-27-2007, 04:27 AM
They migrate to the internet and become sock puppets.

Why is it, when the water rises to cover the road -- that's called a low water crossing?

03-27-2007, 04:32 AM
Because it’s only covering the road like a low tide. It’s enough to tickle your toes, but not enough to cool your ankles.

Why is the weather above normal during odd months?

03-27-2007, 08:20 AM
Just to bug you TrainofThought. They had to figure out how to bug you and that's how they decided to do it. Sorry!

Why can't you ever sleep when you want to but can when you dont want to?

04-12-2007, 07:26 AM
why you think you want to sleep, it's actually just your mind going into overdrive and blowing up and when you think you don't want to sleep, your mind is calm but still working well.

why can't i tell my friends i'm leaving my school?
:( d and f.

04-13-2007, 01:43 AM
Because you know that, really, they're a figment of your imagination, and you're afraid if you tell them they'll become so agitated they'll start destroying you from the inside out.

Why is most of the world on a base ten system, but our calendar still has twelve months?

04-13-2007, 05:16 PM
Teachers. They work ten months a year, so the other two months don't count--it is still base 10. As for the rest of us, while teachers regain their sanity, we are working "gratis" as far as the cosmic system of justice goes.

Why does friday night always seem to be about five minutes long?

04-13-2007, 08:54 PM
Because it is, in fact, five minutes long. That's how they make up for the whole 10 vs 12 math problem of calendars and time keeping. When the planet switched to the metric system, leaving the US out of it, things got a bit messed up. The only way to compensate, without sending the Earth spinning out of orbit and into the deep, cold blackness of space, is to render Friday Night into a span of 5 minutes.

That's how order and balance is maintained.

What I'd like to know is - Why do we have a gag reflex?

Ol' Fashioned Girl
04-13-2007, 10:04 PM
'Cause if we didn't, think of all the people who would choke to death on bananas.

Why should we care how fast car 'A' is going west while car 'B' is going east if they're destined to crash headon anyway? IOW, have you ever in your adult life ever needed the knowledge imparted to you by working such math problems?

04-14-2007, 02:11 PM
The terror strewn about by cars "A" and "B" back in the early thirties prompted the newly formed "Highway Trasnportation Safety Board" to institute just such mathematical calculations in schools throughout the country in an effort to help careful drivers avoid fatalities often involving innocent pedestrians as well as those sharing the roads with cars "A" and "B". I myself have used the formula in avoiding such incidents. It pays to know all you can about cars"A" and "B".

Why do fish travel in schools but cows travel in herds? Is there anything particularly smarter about fish over cows?

04-15-2007, 04:07 AM
well, it's not that fish are smarter; it's that they're stupider. that's why they need to travel in schools, because they need to learn, while cows are past that stage in education.

why are my parents forcing me to leave the only thing that has made me happy?

Ol' Fashioned Girl
04-17-2007, 11:42 PM
It's their job. Just as it's your job to believe they're doing it just to make you unhappy... until you have kids of your own and understand why they're really doing it.

Now, where the heck IS the Holy Grail?

04-18-2007, 12:46 AM
The search for the Holy Grail is nothing more than a metaphor for that part of each of us which strives for the good, the true, the right. Which doesn't mean the Grail itself isn't out there; it is, but no one will ever find it because it's in New Jersey.

Why is it so hard to stick to a diet?

Ol' Fashioned Girl
04-20-2007, 07:14 PM
Diets have no surface against which to stick. They are arguably the slickest known substance in the universe - as opposed to fat, which was the inspiration for Velcro. 'Diet' slides right off and you can't get hold of it to save your soul. 'Fat' runs at you from all directions and sticks to the very air you breathe.

Why does pi have so many digits after the decimal point?

04-20-2007, 07:35 PM
Honesty. Most of the other numbers are hiding scads of numerals after their decimal point. Now granted, for most integers, it would be about 400 zeros followed by a single 1 or 2 that snuck in as cosmic leftover material from the Big Bang. But Pi is, well a "stand up guy" and lets us all know right up front that there is going to be some lengthy baggage if we want to get to know him.

How can the exception possibly "prove the rule?"

Ol' Fashioned Girl
04-27-2007, 07:12 PM
Easy! You left out the correct capitalization, there, Meerkat! Or, perhaps, you've never seen it properly written as: The Rule.

The Rule is 'There's an exception to every rule.'

Therefore, 'The exception proves The Rule.'.

I've always wondered, though... can one cry underwater?

04-27-2007, 07:16 PM
Of course one can cry underwater. It's even easier to cry under water. But to cry underwater means one must first have chugged at least 8 10 ounce glasses of underwater 12 hours prior to the crying.

I've always wondered - Who put the Bop in the Whama-lama-ding-dong?

04-27-2007, 07:26 PM
James Earl Jones. No one was looking when he did it, and won't take credit for it even today.

Why are we getting 5 more inches of rain today?

04-27-2007, 07:38 PM
Because those of us too lazy to take our cars to the car wash to get rid of all that nasty pollen signed an internet petition requesting it.

When staplers go bad, the holes look exactly the same but the staples still get mangled. Why is that?

04-30-2007, 02:35 PM
Staplers aren't inherently evil, they generally "go bad" from things like hanging out with other rebellious office equipment. Cynical in nature, they love to poke holes in everything, but lack the moral fibre to do what's right, crumbling and ending up sadly bent and twisted.

Where do all of those socks actually go when they disappear to eventually leave us with no matching pairs?

JJ Cooper
04-30-2007, 03:03 PM
They don't actually disappear. They make their way back to your underwear drawer. They dig themselves in deep and turn into a pair of your old underwear. Go on have a look. I bet you find a pair of old underwear in there that you swore you had thrown out years ago.

Why do you have no memory of being six months old?

04-30-2007, 04:23 PM
Easy. So you don't remember how good life was at that time. We have enough adult-children in the world already without them and others having actual remembrances to draw from. And have you seen people who electively wear diapers? Ew sick.

Please explain to me why Jello jiggles.

Ol' Fashioned Girl
05-01-2007, 06:56 PM
Jello jiggles because of the addition of the Jiggle Gene (tm) that Jello research scientists developed and patented way back in 1845. They had been working for years on the formula, but even after it was discovered, there was very little done with it due to the potato famine and the onslaught of the Civil War. Refrigeration was hard to come by and folks couldn't figure out what all the excitement was about when they were served melted non-jiggling Jello.

How come two wrongs don't make a right?

05-02-2007, 07:56 AM
Oh that one is easy, two wrongs don't make a right because that means you would go in a circle clockwise and we all know you need to go right and then left to get it right. :D

What I want to know why do we have to fall in love?

Backward Masking
05-02-2007, 09:09 AM
Standing in love is too much of a strain on one's back (according to the FDA). During the 1960's, a government sponsored program was started to help address this crisis that was gripping our nation. The idea was that people could relieve back pressure by "falling head over heels" or "falling in love" as opposed to standing erect during human courtship.

Now I'd like to know why people are actually willing to attend a curling match?

05-02-2007, 09:15 AM
Now I'd like to know why people are actually willing to attend a curling match?

Well, you see, it began with bowling. Everyone loved watching how that ball just rolled down the lane and knocked those pins over. And one day this really enthusiastic Alaskan said,

"just imagine this on ice with instead of a round ball but a half globe."

So they tried it and it became all the rage because no one really noticed how cold it was or that perhaps they were starving but rather, if one tried hard enough they could actually make it slide right to the end of the glacier. And if one was really good at it, it meant that it was go right to the edge but NOT fall into the ocean.

So what I find particularly plaguing is, Why on earth do people like to dance?

05-02-2007, 05:47 PM
So what I find particularly plaguing is, Why on earth do people like to dance?

It's a conspiracy brought about by the music industry. They have people working undercover in hospitals all over the world, and as each baby is born, they implant a tiny bug that travels through the ear canal and attaches directly to the cerebral cortex, where it then short circuits the body's ability to control voluntary motor ability when music is played. Simply put, when we hear music, it is impossible to not dance. The reason different people dance to different genres is because agents are assigned to specific territories close to their record labels' home offices, which is why country line dancing is so predominant in the south.

What I want to know is, if there is a God, why did he invent mosquitos?

05-02-2007, 06:20 PM
What I want to know is, if there is a God, why did he invent mosquitos?

Well I don't know about a God but a Goddess, most certainly. She actually invented mosquitos to plague man and keep him humble but when the mosquitos found man's blood to be most bitter and distasteful, the Goddess gave them permission to take blood from women to balance out all the nasty with the sweet. :D

What I want to know now is, what is the purpose of testosterone?

05-02-2007, 06:26 PM
Testosterone has been known to deflect mosquitos. Early man was prone to hunting in marshy areas, while women stayed to more arid, berry supplying domains. Because they avoided mosquito infested areas, women tend to smell better.
Also, the testosterone induces hair growth, which is an additional deterrent to mosquitos.

What I can't figure out is the purpose of estrogen.

05-02-2007, 09:11 PM
What is the purpose of estrogen?

Estrogen, also known as the "putting up with BS" hormone, is found in both genders, but predominately in women. I'll leave it up to you to figure out why.

The real question is, why are diamonds considered a girl's best friend?

Silver King
05-02-2007, 09:19 PM
The real question is, why are diamonds considered a girl's best friend?
When she breaks up with the cad who gave it to her, the diamond will console her, as a friend would, and remind her she gained from the experience, in some cases, quite handsomely.

Why do we call our planet Earth when it's made up mostly of water?

05-02-2007, 09:24 PM
Ah, here we are showing our bias as land dwellers.

If we are 80% water, why can't we breathe it?

Ol' Fashioned Girl
05-02-2007, 10:51 PM
For the same reason those who are full of $#/t can't eat it. :D

What is the purpose of lint?

Rainy Night
05-02-2007, 11:00 PM
To get stuck in your belly button.

Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?

The Grift
05-02-2007, 11:04 PM
Of course they did. Contrary to popular belief, belly buttons are not just where the umbilical cords were once attached but actually serve as an independent I/O port for the fiber-optic cables we are hooked up to bi-nightly by the Darkwatchers. The information that is downloaded and uploaded is vital to the Keepers' carefully crafted illusions. Did you really think sleep was a natural thing? Come on...just shutting down for 5-12 hours a night? That makes no sense. So back to the question, because Adam and Eve were the source model (some Keepers say they should have been just another round of Betas, but that's another argument altogether) they came complete with all of the features, including the abdominal I/O ports.

Who thought "energy coffee" was a good idea?

05-03-2007, 12:06 AM
Who thought "energy coffee" was a good idea?

The same people who peddle Crystal Meth but this is just legal. Thanks 7-11 :D

What is the use of decaff coffee?

05-03-2007, 06:53 AM
So when you bite your nails, or chew your lip you can actually feel the pain.

Why do we say to children, “Do as I say, not as I do”?

05-03-2007, 08:05 AM
Why do we say to children, “Do as I say, not as I do”?

Because if we tell them don't do as I say they will want to do as we say so it is really like reverse psychology or something. But when we say, "do as I say, we are really meaning to say, "don't do as I say." so then they will want to do as we say.

What I really want to know is....Why are there so many idiot on the road?

05-03-2007, 12:50 PM
Oh, didn't you hear? The idiot convention is being held at the Civic Center but because they are idiots they can't find their way. The department of transportation is working with the highway patrol to develop a plan to get them all rounded back up and sent to GW's ranch in Texas.

Why has my oldest dog started making sounds while she is dreaming?

05-03-2007, 08:58 PM
It isn't her making those sounds, it's the voices inside her head. See, when she's awake, she can entertain those voices and keep them from bothering you - but eventually, she needs to get some sleep. Then the voices get bored, find the route through her brain to her vocal cords, and try to reach out in search of someone else to hold their conversations with.

Best you lean in real close, listen to what they're saying, and answer back through the left nostril. Be sure and speak loudly and clearly.

I'd really like to know why I get SO hungry only on those days when I've forgotten to bring food to work?

Rainy Night
05-03-2007, 11:53 PM
I'd really like to know why I get SO hungry only on those days when I've forgotten to bring food to work?

Id’ say that you were experiencing a psychophysiologic response to not having brought lunch to work as your symptoms are caused by your mental state rather than immediate physiological causes when compared to similar situations, i.e. days when you did bring lunch to work. If a medical examination can find no physical or organic cause for your hunger then it might be classified psychosomatic.

Why is the sky is blue?

05-04-2007, 03:16 AM
You see...A long time ago the sky was actually red, but God didn't like it that color because it made people angry; so God decided to do something about it. He decided to ask Hermes for help since he could fly and hermes agreed. He swept down to Earth and captured Michelangelo and brought him up to the sky with a bucket of blue paint and a large broom. Hermes dangled Michelangelo by the feet and told him to paint the sky blue and that if he stopped painting Hermes would drop him. When the sky was finished, Michelangelo was brought safely to Earth. No longer fearing heights as he previously had, Michelangelo found the courage to paint the Sistine Chapel.

What is reality?

Rainy Night
05-04-2007, 03:30 AM
Reality is a doughnut hole… that void that while defined remains empty until that which defines the existence of nothing ceases to exist and the void itself becomes only a vague memory.

Ben Afleck and Matt Damon won Oscars for screenwriting, why haven’t they written another screenplay?

Backward Masking
05-04-2007, 05:44 AM
Doppelgangers got 'em. Apparently, they were unable to duplicate their success when it comes to screenwriting.

One question I've had milling about in my head: Where's my car?

05-04-2007, 08:51 AM
One question I've had milling about in my head: Where's my car?

Oh yeah..about that...sorry had to borrow it the other day and someone stole it and...well okay that's not true. I DID borrow it but I had to jump out when the brakes gave way and it went over a cliff...hope its insured. :D

So why is it that women have so much pain and men get off scott-free?

Backward Masking
05-04-2007, 09:11 AM
Pain is the price of being pretty. The whole Scott Free business is awkward at best, but rumors are that he's planning to go on a suing spree of catastrophic proportions. I'm mean seriously. He's got the all-star lineup in terms of lawyers. Hell, he's even paid off every judge west of the Potomac. I personally wouldn't want to be any of the poor bastards that thought it would be funny to stand on top of Mr. Free.

Irregardless, why do doves cry?

05-04-2007, 09:44 AM
Pain is the price of being pretty. The whole Scott Free business is awkward at best, but rumors are that he's planning to go on a suing spree of catastrophic proportions. I'm mean seriously. He's got the all-star lineup in terms of lawyers. Hell, he's even paid off every judge west of the Potomac. I personally wouldn't want to be any of the poor bastards that thought it would be funny to stand on top of the Mr. Free.

Irregardless, why do doves cry?I am sorry but you have me giggling so hard! This one deserves a lot of reps people. :)

Why do doves cry?

Well, the story goes like this:

Once upon a time there was this beautiful princess and she only knew how to love one way, with all her heart. She also had an affinity with birds. In particular she was very fond of doves. One day, she fell in love with a handsome prince. She was so in love that she often forgot to spend time with her beloved birds.

As stories often tell the tale....the handsome prince broke her heart and she returned to her beautiful doves. However, they too were heart broken. For the time she had neglected them and then in compassion for her. So broken hearted was she, that she could not shed a tear. Her doves loved her so much that when they cry they are actually crying for her.

The end.

What is the reason for falling in love?

05-04-2007, 05:00 PM
Because two people jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge accelerate toward the water at a rate of 9.8 meters per second, those with the same wind resistance and, hence, hit the water at the same time, will feel in sync with eachother's biorhythms. This is called the Guiliani Effect, and it is said to mimic the feelings of newly found love.
Prior to the Industrial Revolution, most folks did not "fall in love;" they entered a "love apprenticeship" which was carefully monitored by parents and Nannies.

What does one do with a peck of pickled peppers?

Rainy Night
05-04-2007, 07:57 PM
What does one do with a peck of pickled peppers?

You pick them of course... what you do with them after that is entirely up to you. I will tell you however that during medieval times pickled peppers worked extremely well as dragon repellant. Which is why Peter Piper was picking them in the first place.

What happened to all the dragons?

05-04-2007, 10:34 PM
What happened to all the dragons?

They went into hiding centuries ago, to a remote uncharted island in the South Pacific. They are the true reason for global warming. As their population grows, producing more dragons breathing fire, the air around their island gets hotter and hotter, gradually spreading to the rest of the world. As soon as the ice caps have completely melted, they intend to leave their tiny island and *reintroduce* themselves to society - with detrimental consequences, of course.

What happened to all the mermaids?