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Notus
01-29-2007, 07:59 PM
I wrot this sentence and though it was fine but when I looked back at it I could never get the punctuation right. Here it is without punctuation.

The crown was made of a white metal platinum he had heard it called once it shone slightly in the candlelight.

Sweetlebee
01-29-2007, 08:11 PM
The crown was made of a white metal--platinum, he had heard it called once. It shone slightly in the candlelight.

CaroGirl
01-29-2007, 08:12 PM
You have at least two sentences here, and one too many adjectives to describe platinum. It's actually redundant to call platinum "metal". Try this:

The crown was made of a white platinum; at least, he had once heard it called platinum. It shone slightly in the candlelight.

I'm sure someone else will have a better idea.

AnAirplane
01-29-2007, 08:35 PM
The crown, made of a white metal he had once heard called platinum, shone slightly in the candlelight.

If you wanted it as one sentence.

Arkie
02-01-2007, 07:15 PM
Hemingway would write it: "The platinum crown shown in the candlelight."

But that is telling. To show, write: "The platinum crown sparkled in the candlelight."

You are probably not interested in my opinion; however, "was made" and "had heard" are passive and "slightly" is redundant compared to "shone."

maestrowork
02-01-2007, 07:35 PM
The crown was made of a white metal platinum he had heard it called once it shone slightly in the candlelight.

So many ways to rewrite this but this is about grammar and punctuation, so...

The crown was made of a white metal -- he had heard it called "platinum" once -- and it shone slightly in the candlelight.

scarletpeaches
02-01-2007, 08:37 PM
Confused 'by' grammar. ;)

ErylRavenwell
02-02-2007, 02:58 AM
The crown was made of a white metal--platinum, he had heard it called once. It shone slightly in the candlelight.


Pretty much agree with that.

By the way you can do a solid em dash by using the following command: alt + 0151 (make sure you have num lock on) ;)

Jamesaritchie
02-02-2007, 02:59 AM
Hemingway would write it: "The platinum crown shown in the candlelight."

But that is telling. To show, write: "The platinum crown sparkled in the candlelight."

You are probably not interested in my opinion; however, "was made" and "had heard" are passive and "slightly" is redundant compared to "shone."

You just used the same sentence Hemingway did, and in the same way. Changing "shown" to "sparkled" doesn't make any difference.

ErylRavenwell
02-02-2007, 03:27 AM
I'd write it differently. But I'm not you, each his style. I'm exhaustive.

In his mind's eye, he pictured the crown, shining gloriously in the light. He dug into his memory for the name of the rare, silvery metal of the crown; but still, it eluded him. Damn It! What was that name? Platinum!

Notus
02-08-2007, 10:52 PM
^ i like that all except from the last bit "Damn It! What was that name? Platinum!" it doesn't fit the character but i like the rest :) would it be possible if i use it in my book? if it is should i mention you somewhere at the end...?